A month into the process

I know many ladies out there are almost an expert in the IVF procedure. They have gone through many rounds of treatment unlike me. It will be 4 more days before I reach 28 days since I started IVF. 28 days = 1 month. This is nothing compared to the 5 years I have let it passed without any BFP. Yup no BFP. Not even once. I have never known how it feels like to be pregnant. I have never known how it is like to feel the symptoms. I will not promise that I won't complain once the symptoms comes but I will definitely embrace all of the good and the bad that comes with a pregnancy.

I have been lucky coz I have a great support system who has selflessly share their procedure and process with me so that I could roughly gauge what to expect. I am also lucky I have great online friends who I can cry on if I was faced with many mroe hurdles. They are always ready with a virtual hug and words of encouragement and advice which I truly appreciate. Some of them are becoming more of a friend to me than any of my real friends are. Reason - I am sharing the most intimate details of my life with you, my online friends rather than my real friends. How do I tell a fertile friend what I am going through. How to explain the reason I am not with kids yet is not because I love my life of a twosome?

Believe me I have tried explaining. Instead of getting a hug or a pat on the shoulder (which is usually what I need) I will get some smart a$#@ advice - why don't u just relax?, maybe if try a variety of positions (like we haven't), why do you want kids, I would do anything to exchange places with you (wait till you are really in my position and see what you have to say). Some people have the nerves...

Anyway, like many of my counterparts in this journey, I have a plan in hand. I have an idea on how many times I am gonna try. This process despite help from government can be very expensive. Not only that, it can also affect your relationship with hubby. It is a roller coaster ride of emotions. Sometimes you are up, sometimes you are at your lowest low.

Let me share anothe secrets with you my friend. I have been to a psychiatrist to help me deal with my depression. Yes, I HAVE BEEN DEPRESSED!!! I had problems sleeping, crying out of the blue for no apparent reason, getting angry at hubby most of the time (blaming will never solve the issues at hand). DId it affect my marriage? Thank God NO!!!. Like many of you, I am blessed to be married to the most understanding guy I can ever asked for. He was supportive. There was a time when he got angry but NEVER at me. It was at himself. For not being able to give me what I want most in life. At that point of time, I realised I need help. I have to help myself before I self destruct. SO I dragged my feet to Buangkok Green and set an appointment with a psychiatrist. He helped me overcome all my underlying issues, gave me medication to help me with my lack of sleep and depression. N 6 months later here I am... a more cheerful and positive person inside and out. I have been discharged from the psychiatrist clinic since then.

I believe that was one of my better decisions in life. To seek help for myself. To say that I am an expert in this process, I am far from it but if there are any of you out there who requires information or a shoulder to cry on, believe me when I say I am here for you. If I can't answer your questions, I will pass it on to my lovely online 'sisters' and I am sure there will be someone who can give you the information you need.

I will be going for another follies check tomorrow. Let's hope the follies have grown significantly from the last scan. I have been good in taking my chicken essence and folic acid. I will update everyone once I get back.

Appreciate your mum and MIL the same...

I have always been talking about my mum. How strong a woman she is and how she has sacrificed so much for the family. Not often do I mention about my Mother In Law. I know how some woman out there has not been blessed with a good MIL. But for me, thankfully, I have been blessed and is very lucky to have a very caring, understanding and loving PILs.

Today me and hubby went to their place. She cooked a wonderful lunch for us to enjoy. We had a wonderful time conversing, telling each other what's going on in our life. She has never mentioned, not even once how much she wants a grandkid. But today she told us how she went to the Keramat Habib Noh, prayed and was asked by a religious leader there what are wishes and who is she praying for. N she told the religious leader that she prayed that she will have a grandchild soon. She had wanted a grandchild for a long time.

I really wanted to hug her at that moment but me being me, is not good at showing my emotion. So yup in silence, I thank her.

I truly hope her prayers and wishes will come true with this upcoming procedure. I am putting my 110% effort and emotions into this. Once I start this there is no going back. My heart and soul will be in it. If it works good for me. If it doesn't (touch wood), I am hoping/praying that I am strong enough to overcome that obstacles. 10 more days to go till my lucrin injections. Hoping time will pass by faster.

Family Support

When you are faced with difficulties or at a crossroad, it is always nice to know that your family is always there to support your every step of the way. When I first decided to leave my profession and be a full time housewife, I was thinking how would my parents react. After all that they had sacrificed so that I could go to university and get a good job, suddenly I decided to just stay home. How am I supposed to be able to repay them if I am not earning any form of income. Somehow, I was expecting my parents to react in a different way. I was kind of expecting them to ask me to think it over but instead, they were so supportive of it. They said, if that is what I feel I need to do, then do it. Don't worry about them. They will make do with whatever they have.

I was definitely glad but I have also promised them that as long as I am healthy, I will try my best to provide for them. Maybe I will not be able to provide as much as when I was working full time but I will try. N hubby has also supported my decision on that.

On top of that, I have also decided to inform my mum about the IVF journey. She did ask how the procedure goes. I explained. As she is a massage therapist, she learns from many of her clients that they too did IVF. She found out more about the process. She says as and when if hubby is not around and I need to go to the clinic just give her a ring and she will accompany me. I am truly grateful that my mum is so understanding. She says if we didnt try how are we going to succeed. We can't possibly just wait and pray for things to happen. God asked us to try and not just sit and wait. I know some of our relatives has been making life difficult for my mum - asking when I am going to be pregnant etc. As if she knows? N some of them bragging that their kids who married later are already pregnant and thus they want to book her to do the post natal massage. I am sorry mum. I have tried but I guess Allah has other plans for me and hubby.

Oh and not forgetting my wonderful internet friends. Although we have not met, some of you felt like family to me. You are there with answers when I am in need of one. You are there with hugs when I was down. You were there with a listening ear and a shoulder to cry on when I feel like no one understands. I might not say it very often but I truly appreciate your 'presence'.

To everyone... THANK YOU!!!