Officially OVER

Today was it. It was OFFICIALLY OVER. What you may ask? My period that is. AF has decided to make its exit. After almost 5 or was it 6 days? Well I am just glad it left before New Year. That would have stink. Anyway, AF visit this month has been pretty quiet too. Thus there hasn't been much activity.

Then there are also things happening at my work place. I started work at my new place. Attended their staff meeting on Monday. Was introduce to their staff. They look pretty friendly. Some were very helpful with the things that I need. My new work space is also much bigger compared tp the one I had previously. For now, I am doing good I guess. I did drop by my previous school to sign some form, collect some items and return some materials. I don't miss that place but I do miss some of my colleagues there. I hope I will be able to make some close colleagues here. I am psyching myself up. I know this is for the best. Especially after I went back today. I know for sure I have made the right decision. I guess between me and my preivous work place... we are OFFICIALLY OVER now.

Being new here, I might have to start learning all over again. I will have to probably make some changes and learn new things. I used to be afraid. Today I am choosing to overcome that fear and hopefully learn as much as possible. It is not gonna be easy but I have to make this change and I am not gonna let fear get in the way. CONFIDENCE is the word for today.

Follow my heart...

The last 2 days has been pretty quiet except for the fact that (TMI ALERT): my period seems to have come and visit 5 days earlier than the expected date. I was not really expecting it to come coz firstly I was on the GnHR injection for 3 months, which was supposed to suppress my hormones and to stop my menses from coming back. This is so that to give my little ovary a break from the tedious monthly "work". But 2 days ago, as I was sitting right here in front of my computer, I feel a little wet you know where. Took a tissue, wipe it and lo and behold.

So I guess, AF do decide to drop by one last time. Well one good thing about her visit this time around is, there was no back pain, no abdominal cramps, just a little mood swing. Hey if this is how her visit is gonna be after the surgery, I guess it was worth it to go for the surgery after all.

I have been very apprehensive the last few days about my pending meeting in my new school. A little nervous about it. I mean, in my previous school, you can consider me as one of the "older" staff. Here I will be one of the newbies. Don't know how the people there will react to my present. Not sure whether the students will be able to accept me as their teacher. I mean looking at it, 2 of the classes that I am taking should have been previously taught by someone else so it might not be that easy as they might already have a particular way of learning. My heart has not been at ease. Hope it will get better after tomorrow's meeting.

Then tonight, I came across the following and it somehow manage to ease me a little.

To some extent I think I should stop second guessing myself. Just like how I chose to call KKIVF and start on my IVF treatment, I should also stop second guessing myself when it comes to work matters. I should have more faith in my capabilities and know that I will do what's best for the students.

The day after Christmas

To everyone who celebrates Christmas... MERRY CHRISTMAS!!! Sorry my message came a little late but better late than never right. My most sincere apologies. Well what was I doing on Christmas day? The last I checked, nothing much. Work is starting on Monday. Not fully, just a staff meeting. Official work will start on Friday, 2nd January 2009. So yesterday, I decided to get off my couch and start with my re-packing and re-filling of all the resources that I have accumulated.

Not much was done actually. I just managed to relabel some of my filing rack and files. Did I mention that I will be teaching ALL Maths classes this coming year? It is a tentative deployment. Will be confirmed by Monday. Looking at that tentative deployment, I will also be teaching all upper sec classes. Hmmm... Am I capable of doing it? If it was in my previous school, I would say not a problem. But here, with a co-ed school. new colleagues, new management, will I be able to survive? I am praying that I will. I am hoping that things will be better here than where I was previously. I really do not wish to move again. It was painful to leave the students that I have loved and the colleagues that have become family. So we'll see. Perhaps the new year will bring me a little bit more courage to face the future and what is in store for me.

Today has been another quiet day. I don't feel like going anywhere. Reason? Please refer to previous posts. Yes, I am jealous. Jealous of people who has the family that I am struggling to start. It has been almost 4 years since I first said maybe next year we will be spending it with little me and little hubby. This year is no different from other years. It has been 8 years since we have been together, married for 4 and still nothing to show for it. Our love for each other is still strong or perhaps stronger after all that we have been through. Today shall be the last day this year that I am going to mourn and feel sorry for myself. I found something on the net today. I shall leave you all with it.

Better days ahead?

Today I woke up not feeling too good about myself. I just can't explain it. I guess it was just one of those days where I decide to wake up and feel sorry for myself. I don't know. I guess it is the holidays. The holidays somehow have an effect on me. You go out everywhere, you will see things that will remind you of the things that you can't have. Young couples with babies, family with kids running around, parents buying their kids presents for the holidays and families celebrating special events. I want to do all that too. I want to celebrate special events other than our birthday and anniversary. Hmmm....

Today when I woke up, I feel so different from others around me. I feel so far away. I feel so distant, so withdrawn. Am I the only one out here that is facing this problem? Perhaps not bcoz I know I have make some wonderful friends here. But why is it during the holiday/festive season, I feel so alone. I feel as if I am the only one who is facing this. I am trying my very best to stay positive, to think that I will be able to overcome this but even the weather is not on my side. It has been raining since morning.

I truly hope there is a rainbow after the rain. The sun will shine once again. Will there be better days ahead? I don't know. What I know is for now, I feel like sitting in the corner and just be miserable. For once, I just wanna be sad, cry and feel sorry for myself. I do not want to pretend that I am happy. Well, at times I am. At times I know how lucky I am. For having an understanding family, wonderful husband, good paying job and a roof over my head. There are others out there that might not even have this. But just for today, I want to feel sorry for myself. I wanna feel how much life has been a little unfair to me. For not granting me the most basic function of a woman - to bear children.

"Dear God, if you are listening to me, why haven't you grant my wish yet. I have been praying, wishing and hoping. But as days turn to weeks and weeks turn to months and months to years, I still have not heard from you. You seem to have distant yourself from me? Or is it the other way round. Have I done something wrong? Have I neglected you that is why you are now neglecting me? When will you be available again? When will you ever hear me? The new year is coming. I am done making new year's resolution. I am not even going to make anymore wishes. I will just let nature takes its course. Once you have decided that I am good enough, perhaps you will grant me that one wish I have been hoping for."

To all of you celebrating Christmas, Have a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year.

The good, the bad and the ugly

Okay if you are thinking that this entry has anything to do with me dealing with infertility issues, it does not. You may continue reading about me rambling about some issues involving the good, the bad and the ugly side of some Sing_poreans I came across with at the soccer match that I attended today. So yes we were here today...

The National Stadium

The Sing_apore team outplayed and outrun their opponents. However they didn't manage to outlast the other team and as a result came out on the losing end. Well, that's soccer for you. The ball is round. You kick it and it can end up at the back of anyone's net and today it decide to end up at the back of the Sing_apore's net.

I do not wish to talk about the soccer game. You can read that up on your own on the web. What I want to share is what goes on off the pitch. I happen to sit beside a very irritating uncle. Irritating is such an understatement. He is just so uncivilised, rude and disrespecful. So what happen you may ask? Let me list it down for you.

1. During the Viet_nam National Anthem, everyone was standing as a sign of respect. Guess what the uncle did? He went around giving the middle finger at all the opposition's fans. OMG!!!!
   
2. Throughout the game he keep calling the fans stupid and other rude names that I do not wish to taint my site with. If you ask me, I will say he is the stupid one. Among all the Viet_namese fans there I think at least 30% of them are University students. Who are you?
   
3. While the game was going on on the pitch, he kept taunting the opposition fans who didn't do or say anything to him.

I wonder why can't we just have a decent game of football? Why does it have to be tainted with such people? To the Sing_apore team... It is okay. Today is not your day. I am still behind you. Like what I like to say, if you think you have done your best, hold your head up high and don't be ashame of yourself. There is always next time... Let me leave all of you with some pictures I manage to capture during the match.

Popping the Pills

My ovulation day come and go without any major incident. No back pain. No cramps. Usually my back will hurt and I will be experiencing lower abdominal pain on the day of my ovulation. I guess, my ovaries are resting this month and the next 2 month. I guess it is time for my body to give those ovaries a break. Resting it is. Other than a few more little bandages that I have not removed, I am as good or perhaps better than I was before the surgery. Baby dancing aka "actions in shack" has resumed. Hahaha... That sounds a little crude but what the heck.

Of course things are a little more relax as we do not have to think of the final outcome. We are just enjoying each other's company. Perhaps after trying for almost 48months = 4 years, it is time we gave ourself this short break. My ovaries deserve it and so do I.

I have been taking 5 different types of pills in the last 9 days. Antibiotics, Vitamin E, Evening Primrose Oil, Pain Killers and something for gastric pains. I rather be popping the pills than taking any forms of injections. But after more than a week of popping those pills, I am starting to get tired of taking them. 8 more pills before I am done with the antibiotics. Thank God!!!

The Primrose Oil pill is not that bad you know. According to Dr Sadhana, the GnHR injection will give me all the menopausal symptoms. The first week after the injections, YES I felt it. I began to be sweating badly even in cold weather. Mood swings - hubby has been at the end of it all but luckily he had been warn by Dr Sadhana about it. Hubby has been pretty patient with me. Hehehe...

Okay let's talk about the Evening Primrose Oil. It's active ingredient Gamma-Linolenic Acid plays an effective role in the treatment of dry, rough skin, atopic eczema, relief of allergy-induced eczema, asthma and metabolic disorders associated with pre-menstrual syndrome and discomfort. So yes if you are looking forward to preventing PMS and what not, try out this pill. N it does help with the bowel movement too.

Now let's talk abou what I have been doing in the last few days. Hmmm... nothing much really. Sis came over to sleep at my place since mum and dad were away in KL for a relative wedding. On Friday, we went out to get ourselve a new hp. N boy am I happy with my new handphone. Hubby helped me pick it out.

My N85 front view.

My N85 back view.

In addition I also purchase a new computer for my work. N I am loving my new pink, YES PINK laptop. I am starting to use it now. It is so comfortable. The keypad, the screen and everything about it. I guess I will be writing more often now up till perhaps when I have to start working on my admin staff for the new semester. Oh My God, Time sure flash by when you are enjoying yourself. Wait till the semster begins, and time will start crawling. Okay I gotta go now. Need to get ready. I am going to watch a soccer match at the stadium with sis and hubby remember? I am crossing my fingers that the Singapore Team will play much better and will win the game today.

My Sony Vaio

7 Not So Random Things About Me

I was tagged by Virginia a few weeks back. I have been drafting the entry for a very long time. It is just that this post is not that easy. I can't seem to find the 7 not so random things about me. Hmmm...

1. I have had 5 ex boyfriends (the 1st bf was when I was 12) before I met up with hubby during my university days. My longest relationship with my ex boyfriend never last longer than a year. Once they get too close, I start to run. Hubby was the only stubborn one who doesn't want to go away. I tried ways and means to make him go away. Ask him how much we fought and argued. But he still stayed on.
2. I "met" hubby through another guy whom I got to know through the net. The other guy asked hubby how I looked like from my college magazine and hubby said I am not that guy's type. The guy didn't meet up with me and just stop messaging. When hubby started dating me, the guy got upset with hubby. Hahaha..
3. I hate eating my veges. I tried once in a while but it just doesn't go well with my throat. I will pick at my food. For example if I am eating fried noodles and there are bean sprouts in it, I will take my time and pick out the bean sprout one by one.
4. I am a movie freak. I will catch most movies at the cinema. But if I dont get to do that, I will purchase the VCDs and catch them at home. I have more than 100 VCDs now.
5. I know where I live is summer all year round but I love Spring. I visited Korea during Spring and it was awesome. Weather was cooling. Not humid.
6. My work is my passion. I have dreamt of doing what I am doing since I was a young girl. I used to line up my teddy bears and distribute books and pretend I was teaching them. And now I am doing what I love doing.
7. Last but not least I hate plain water. I don't really drink my water without any flavour. I need them sweet. Syrup, isotonic drinks anything except plain water.

SO there you have it. 7 NOT so random things about me. That took me longer than I had expected. Now I am supposed to pass this on to few more people to get it going. Hmmm... I am not sure whether any of you have done this before. If you have, then please ignore this tag of mine. They are:

• My Grasp at Sanity
• The Wayward Stork
• Wishing4one
• Fertile Ramblings

Wrecked. Disappointed. Hurt

That's an understatement of how I am feeling right now. I am a wrecked. That's a better word. I am a mess. Emotions are running haywire. Yes maybe it was the hormones. But at the end of the day my question is why can't you just try to understand how I feel. Why can't you put yourself in my shoes? I have always tried to be there for you in everything you do so why can't you support me now? I don't really need you to do anything beyond your capabilities. I just need you to be there as my moral support. Stand by my side. Listen and once it was over we can leave.

But no. You had to make a big fuss over it. Give all kind of excuses that just doesn't make sense to me. If you don't want to be there just say it don't have to twist and turn and make up excuses after excuses. I am so disappointed at this very moment. I am not sure whether I am more disappointed with him or with myself. Perhaps I should just learn to control my emotions a little more. But at the end of the day, if he can raise his voice and not even try to control his emotions why should I.

Tears are welling in my eyes as I wrote this entry. I don't even know why. Perhaps I am just so upset. Upset at how much he has changed. He used to be there for me for EVERYTHING. He used to support me in ALL that I do. But for some reason, he has decided that that has to change. Or perhaps I was the one who had changed.

My work has been my passion since young. I love my kids. They are like the kids that I can't have. I spent more than 8 hours a day with them. I laughed with them, cried with them, joked with them and advised them on life. Now all I wanted to do was be there for them when they receive their results. N I want him to be there with me. This is the last time I am going to be seeing them. The last time I am going to step foot in that building. ONE LAST TIME. Why can't he just understand that?

Well perhaps it is just my hormones reacting. Or perhaps it is a legitimate fear. Fear that he has change into someone I don't know anymore. Fear that this is the start of a horrible nightmare.

You are my personal brand of heroin...

Okay I know that this blog is specifically set up to write about my journey towards motherhood but since I can't start on my treatment anytime soon, there is really nothing much for me to write about. Therefore more often than not, in the next 3 months my entry will be somewhat similar to the following entry.

I was out with sis and hubby today and we had fun. Like we always do. The day started off with us making our way to Jalan Besar Stadium to purchase this...

So me, hubby and sis are going to show our support to the National Team in the 2nd leg of the semi finals. Let's hope they do well tomorrow in Vietnam so that they will come in with an advantage.

After purchasing the soccer tickets, we went to collect our movie tickets next which was showing at 2.40pm. Since we were early we went to have lunch first at an Indonesian Restaurant. The food was really not bad. But since I am still recuperating from my surgery, I am watching what I eat - some soup and fish with rice. So what movie did we watch... Let me give you a clue: "The lion has fallen for the lamb"....

Still no idea??? "Twilight, again. Another ending. No matter how perfect the day is, it always has to end." That should help right??? Let me leave all of you with a few pictures of the movie... ooohhhh...I AM IN LOVE!!!

Does that make me less of a woman?

I woke up today to a rainy Sunday. N today is the day I decide to feel sorry for myself. I woke up feeling so low. I messaged hubby who was at work and tears started welling my eyes. ALL I wanted is a child with him, the love of my life. I am not asking for anything more. But time and time again, I was tested. First it was the low sperm count and motility, then come the HUGE cysts, then come the hormones suppression. What's next?

With the hormones suppression, my menses will not come. I feel so much less of a woman. I mean what is the use of me being a woman if I can't have my menses, produce my own eggs and have my own baby. Yes it will only be for 3 months but it is 3 months too long. Hmmm...

Messaged hubby about my fears. Fear that I won't be able to have our own kids, fear that he might leave me for another. Fear that I can't get through all these obstcles and challenges. His next messgae did not totally rid me of my fears but it does make me feel better.

"Of course you can get through this. You got me. I love you sayang. You can't put a timetable of when you want a child. Plan yes. Execute yes. The rest is beyond our powers. Sayang I got you. That's enough for me. Children are the bonus. You can't give up hope just bcoz of small Tests by Allah. U never lose any limbs or senses. To me all this just keeps reminding me of how blessed I am to have you as my wife. Every obstacles we overcome just reinforced my belief that something wonderful is awaiting us at the end of it."

So here I am... Yes, in the next few months I will at times wake up feeling very insecure about my womanhood. I will at times wake up with the most unreasonable fear that my husband gonna love me less and leave me for another. But at the end of the day, with God's Grace, I believe me and hubby will get through this and when we do get through this I know we will be a stronger couple.

My Surgery - Laparoscopy/Cystectomy

I just got back from hospital today. Feeling much better than I was 2 days ago. Still feeling a little drowsy from all the drugs. Now resting at home with the help of my sister and mother. She has been cooking porridge and soup for me. Yesterday was chicken soup with fishball and today was beefball with potatoes. I wouldn't be eating this kind of food if I am not sick. Walking is still a pain. The 3 "punctured" wounds are are healing but it is still a bit swollen. Sitting, walking trying to get up is a pain.

Anyway, my surgery went rather well. I wake up at 5.15am on Wednesday. Bathe, got ready and sent dad to work first before we headed to KKH. Reached hospital at 6.50am, checked in with the nurse and was asked to change into my operation gown. Hubby not around yet as he was working night shift. But having mama, sis, bro and his fiance there was a relief. I was scared but I just prayed for the best. I was brought in at 8am. Waited in the OT room for Dr Sadhana to arrive. She arrived 15 minutes later. Talked to me, explained to me about my surgery. The MO and anasthesist came in, talk to me for a while, injected some medication into my IV and I felt as if I was dreaming and flying into the air, saw a mask put on me then before I knew it I was woken up. That was almost 3 hours later at around 12 noon. The pictures below showed my womb before and after the surgery.


The first picture shows my ovaries. Can you see that white bloated thing? That's my right ovary with all the endometriosis inside. Normal ovary size will only be one eighth of that. So you can imagine how big my cysts are. My womb is behind that ovary. and my left ovary is hidden behind the womb. My tubes are Thank God not blocked just swollen. The third picture shows my shrunk ovaries and the 4th one are all the blood being sucked out. That was one painful surgery but i hope everything goes well after this.

In my previous entry I did mention that we are going to start naturally once my wound heals but then after the surgery, Dr Sadhana suggest that I let my wound heals thoroughly. So she is putting me on a GNHR injection for the next 3 months starting from yesterday to suppressed my hormones and prevent my menses for coming for the next 3 months. This is to prevent the endometriosis to come back and affect my surgery area. So yes. No 2ww for the next 3 months. Just me and hubby enjoying ourself, on our honeymoon once more. Then comes April once my menses arrive, I will call KKIVF and start on my IVF cycle. Let's hope everything goes well after this.

For all those who are having very painful period as well one that is heavy for 2 days then light for the rest of the days pls get yourself check out before your cysts gets too big. Coz if it is small you can reduce it just by taking medication rather than surgery. So learn from me and get yourself check out okay...

I am gonna get some rest now. See you all another time once I am feeling much better.

Friends - Real or Imaginary?

Just a little introduction for the entry coz I do not want people to misunderstand the nature of this entry. I am not writing this because I am angry with the lady friend of mine mention in it. This blog has never been about other people. It is about me. How I am worried about making this site a public one. N how I have lost someone I called a friend. N how I am afraid of losing more friends if they knew about my IF.

Here I am in in this world of IF. I used to be denial saying that it can't be happening to me. Of all people why me? But after 2 years, I began to come to terms with it. Along the way, I have gotten to know people (in real life) that are in the same boat as me. Thinking that they will understand how I felt, I too share my story with them. A few became my close friends, while there is one who has somehow along the way turn her back on me. I am not sure what her reasons are.

Due to this reason I have become more and more sceptical about being friends in real life with people who has face IF. I worry the same thing will happen all over again. It hurts to lose a friend you know. That is why I have kept this blog of mine a faceless one. I appreciate the friendship, advices, wishes and prayers from all you ladies out there. But to make this blog an open one, I am not ready. I have to think of my husband, my family and our friends. What if they stumble about this blog and finds out our problem? Will they remain my friends? Or like the lady I mention above, turn their back on me and leave as if I have a contagious, dreaded disease?

So what happens with that particular lady you may ask? Well, just like me she faces IF too. Just that our issues are totally different. Mine being Male IF factor, hers is because of a blocked fallopian tube. Even after an op to supposedly repair the tube, she was still not able to conceive. During this time, I was trying IUI. After her op, she tried IVF for the first time and with God's Grace, she got pregnant. I was truly happy for her. I prayed for her safe pregnancy and wishes her all the best. But somehow, after telling me that she was pregnant, she suffered a miscarriage. She was angry. She was upset. In fact, I forgave her for the unpleasant things she said to me during the moment of anger. I understood her feelings although I, myself have never experienced such loss before. Since then our friendship began to distance.

6 months later, I happen to stumble upon her blog once again and learn that she has gone through IVF for a second time and now she is pregnant with triplets. I was happy for her. I messaged her and wished her all the best. She didn't reply my message, never return my call and practically blew me off. Why the arrogance? Why the attitude? I understand your need for privacy but since you put it up on the net, it means that you want to share it with people, right? Wrong?

So yes here I am losing a friend. Am I ready to lose more friends? No I am not. But I sure am glad I shared my stories here as through this site, I have manage to "meet" people from all over the world that I can truly call a friend. A real friend to share my ups and downs (which is more common in this journey of overcoming IFs), more real than those that I personally know in real life.

"To all you ladies who has been my pillar of strength, my support, my advisor, I would like to say a HUGE THANK YOU. You are my real friends."

Adoption and Surrogacy...

2 commonly used terms among people in the IF sphere. After trying IUI/IVF for many many years and still not able to conceive, what's next? Adoption or surrogacy? This particular entry of mine is NOT to impose my opinion on others. It is just something I strongly feel about. I apologise in advance if whatever I am going to write will hurt anyone's feelings. This is just MY opinion. To each is his own. Personally if God decides that I am not going to be able to be pregnant with my own kids after IUI/IVF, I will choose adoption over surrogacy.

Before I go into the reasons behind my choice. Let's take a look at what surrogacy is all about. Surrogacy is a method of reproduction whereby a woman agrees to become pregnant and deliver a child for a contracted party. She may be the child's genetic mother (the more traditional form of surrogacy), or she may, as a gestational carrier, carry the pregnancy to delivery after having been implanted with an embryo. Or it could just be donor sperm/egg.

There are 4 types of surrogacy.
(1) In traditional surrogacy (aka the Straight method) the surrogate is pregnant with her own biological child, but this child was conceived with the intention of relinquishing the child to be raised by others; by the biological father and possibly his spouse or partner, either male or female. The child may be conceived via home artificial insemination using fresh or frozen sperm or impregnated via IUI (intrauterine insemination), or ICI (intra cervical insemination) which is performed at a fertility clinic.

(2) In gestational surrogacy (aka the Host method) the surrogate becomes pregnant via embryo transfer with a child of which she is not the biological mother. She may have made an arrangement to relinquish it to the biological mother or father to raise, or to a parent who is themselves unrelated to the child (e. g. because the child was conceived using egg donation, sperm donation or is the result of a donated embryo). The surrogate mother may be called the gestational carrier.

(3) Altruistic surrogacy is a situation where the surrogate receives no financial reward for her pregnancy or the relinquishment of the child (although usually all expenses related to the pregnancy and birth are paid by the intended parents such as medical expenses, maternity clothing, and other related expenses).[1]

(4) Commercial surrogacy is a form of surrogacy in which a gestational carrier is paid to carry a child to maturity in her womb and is usually resorted to by well off infertile couples who can afford the cost involved or people who save and borrow in order to complete their dream of being parents. This procedure is legal in several countries including in India where due to excellent medical infrastructure, high international demand and ready availability of poor surrogates it is reaching industry proportions. Commercial surrogacy is sometimes referred to by the emotionally charged and potentially offensive terms "wombs for rent", "outsourced pregnancies" or "baby farms".

Okay now back to why I choose Adoption over surrogacy. Personally, although I know that adoption will means that that child is not my own, at least I know that I am giving that child a place called home. Surrogacy especially one that uses a donor egg/sperm is firstly NOT ALLOWED in my religion. How I see it is, it is almost similar to having my husband be intimate with another woman and vice versa. This is one of the reasons why I will not be able to see myself using donor eggs/sperms. This is also the reason why I choose to get rid of my frozen embryo once my 10 years for storage is up. I can't foresee knowing that somehow there are "my kids" running around out there that I don't know about. What if in the long run, that kid meet with my kid and they fell in love. Wouldn't that be a HUGE disaster??? So yes, if Fate has it that I am not meant to be a mother to my own kids, I will resort to Adoption and be a mother to kids that are need.

P.S: No harm is intended from this entry of mine. I am just stating my own opinion. Hope I didn't hurt anyone whether intentionally or unintentionally.

4 more days and counting down

I have been counting down and it is 4 more days to my surgery. Was out with hubby to the market today. Yes I go to the market. That might be surprising. But yes I do cook. From time to time. Ermmmm okay ocassionally....

We went to the market to get some ingredients for the dishes that I am going to prepare. What am I going to prepare? Still tentative I think. My mind says one thing but my body says another. I am still getting back into gear after my vacation. That's the thing about holidays. You feel tired way after the vacation is over. N have I mention that I have still ALOT of laundry to do. Luckily my housekeeper is coming in today. At least she can help me with the ironing and vacuuming and mopping. Yup I do only stay in a 5 Room Flat but the cleaning can take me ages to do.

We have bought some chicken, beef and prawns.All of them are in the fridge right now. I am just procrastinating on what to do. Hubby just left for work. He is on afternoon shif today. He has promised to help me with the frying when he gets back... So yes while I am fretting over what to cook for this coming Sunday, time is ticking.

Keep me in your prayers okay ladies. If I don't get to write till my surgery, I wish all ladies who are doing their IVF/IUI cycle all the best. To those waiting for the BT, good luck and May God Bless you with a bundle of joy soon.

On time as usual

As usual, the dreaded visitor came to visit in the wee hours of the morning. On the dot Day 29. In my 27 years (15 years of receiving her visits), never once had she been late. I used to think how lucky I was but then now that I am on this route, I just wish that for once she comes later than usual. But I guess not.

Now with her presence, I can start counting down to the 10th of December. Of course I am not looking forward to it but if it going to make my journey to parenthood a little smoother so be it. Hubby was lying on the sofa then he called for me. He held me in his arms and mumbled something. He said he did not like that I had to go through surgery. I said then perhaps he can go through it for me. N what he said next brought tears to my eyes. If I could I would. How romantic is that?

I mean after being together for almost 7 years and married for 4, you wouldn't expect that sort of thing, would you? We love each other, I love him more than anything else. We still walk hand in hand, feed each other food and steal a kiss once in a while in public. But we are not the kind that verbalise our feelings. We usually show our feelings through our everyday actions rather than through words. But what he said yesterday was truly very sweet and it touched me deeply.

So here I am right now, waiting for my surgery date. Am I scared? Of course I am. Am I worried? Definitely. During the surgery, you never know what's going to happen since you are under anasthesia. Will I wake up only to discover that the worst had happen? Well for now, I am just going to think positive and remain strong for both me and hubby. I can't look scared or worried in front of hubby as it will affect him. I know I can get through this. Insya Allah.

I am BACK!!!

Did anyone miss me while I was gone? Hehehe... I know I am shameless. But well to tell you the truth I miss you ladies. I miss reading your entry, your comments etc.

"To Lisa, CONGRATS girl. Both you and hubby deserve all the happiness after all that you have been through."

So where have I been? I have been here...

I truly enjoyed myself. We had a difficult time when it comes to food at Disneyland. But when we were in Hong Kong itself, we were in a food and shopping paradise. There were so many Muslim food available. I was in heaven. For a moment I did forget about my pending surgery and my postponed IVF treatment. I was living the moment.

Now that I am back, I am starting to worry about the outcome of my surgery and the possibility of our dreams coming true. With God's Grace it will happen. It is just that we don't know when. To all those whom I have missed your BFP - Congrats from me. Pls take care of yourself and the little one. Have a smooth 9 months ahead.

Alyssa_r - How are your treatments coming along. Hope to hear good
news from you soon.

Liana, Farhan & Juliah - Where have you ladies
been? Hope you ladies are doing well. Do keep in touch ok.