Better days ahead?

Today I woke up not feeling too good about myself. I just can't explain it. I guess it was just one of those days where I decide to wake up and feel sorry for myself. I don't know. I guess it is the holidays. The holidays somehow have an effect on me. You go out everywhere, you will see things that will remind you of the things that you can't have. Young couples with babies, family with kids running around, parents buying their kids presents for the holidays and families celebrating special events. I want to do all that too. I want to celebrate special events other than our birthday and anniversary. Hmmm....

Today when I woke up, I feel so different from others around me. I feel so far away. I feel so distant, so withdrawn. Am I the only one out here that is facing this problem? Perhaps not bcoz I know I have make some wonderful friends here. But why is it during the holiday/festive season, I feel so alone. I feel as if I am the only one who is facing this. I am trying my very best to stay positive, to think that I will be able to overcome this but even the weather is not on my side. It has been raining since morning.

I truly hope there is a rainbow after the rain. The sun will shine once again. Will there be better days ahead? I don't know. What I know is for now, I feel like sitting in the corner and just be miserable. For once, I just wanna be sad, cry and feel sorry for myself. I do not want to pretend that I am happy. Well, at times I am. At times I know how lucky I am. For having an understanding family, wonderful husband, good paying job and a roof over my head. There are others out there that might not even have this. But just for today, I want to feel sorry for myself. I wanna feel how much life has been a little unfair to me. For not granting me the most basic function of a woman - to bear children.

"Dear God, if you are listening to me, why haven't you grant my wish yet. I have been praying, wishing and hoping. But as days turn to weeks and weeks turn to months and months to years, I still have not heard from you. You seem to have distant yourself from me? Or is it the other way round. Have I done something wrong? Have I neglected you that is why you are now neglecting me? When will you be available again? When will you ever hear me? The new year is coming. I am done making new year's resolution. I am not even going to make anymore wishes. I will just let nature takes its course. Once you have decided that I am good enough, perhaps you will grant me that one wish I have been hoping for."

To all of you celebrating Christmas, Have a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year.