Waiting Game Again

I have been playing the waiting for as long as I could remember. Before I was married, I was waiting for the right man to come along to sweep me off my feet. This is after many failed relationships that have left me all bruised. After waiting and waiting, finally hubby came by and turn my life around. He was there for me for every single event that mattered - like my graduation after getting my degree, my 2nd graduation after my post graduate diploma, my grand dad's passing away, my ups and downs at work and many more. He has always been there for me. Thank you Hubby...

I knew I was going to marry this man but that was not after 3 years later. The 3 years of waiting till we become one can be rather lonely at times but I survived. After marriage, we started thinking about starting our own family. We wanted 4 kids. But how was I supposed to know that 1 will take this long to come along. Months turns to years and we are still waiting. Every month I waited for AF to be late but times and times again she arrived without prior warning. After almost 4 years 2 months and 2 weeks, I am still waiting.

I am currently in my 2 Week Wait. This could be possibly the last unmedicated 2 Week Wait. If things does not go the way we wanted, we will start the medicated cycle. probably by the middle of next month. It is exciting at the same time scary. There are far too many things on my mind. There are so many "what ifs" going on in my head. I am excited yet I do not want to put too high an expectation that will in the end crush me if things don't go my way.

Okay so what has been going on the last few days? Hmmm... nothing much really. According to my counter, it is 10 days till testing. Not as if I will get the chance to test at all. In the last 4 years, never once did I need to test. AF comes on schedule. But whatever the outcome is, i will share with everyone here in 10 days time.

TMI ALERT: But since the operation, while on Lucrin injections, I realised my 'u know where' has been very dry. As dry as a desert. It could hurt sometimes when hubby and I becam intimate but after my last shot and my last missed period which was supposed to be on hubby's birthday, my 'u know where' has been pretty "watered". The last few days starting from the day of my supposed Ovulation Day, I have been getting this little twinges in my lower abdomen. The twinges is more apparent near my surgical area. I am trying not to think too much about it but hey who knows...I have pretty lethargic too. Everytime I lie on the sofa, my eyes will close shut and I will be napping for an hour or two. I know, I know I am scrutinising over every little detail but I will put my hands on anything that will tell me that I am PUPO.

I shall end my entry now. Will be back soon enough with another entry with regards to my meeting with a dear online friend. Till then, I shall go and try do something so that time will past more quickly.

One down one more to go

4 days ago I was supposed to be getting my menses. But thanks to the suppression AF didnt come. Can you hear the hint of sarcasm there? AF has always be prompt with her visit. The only way it was going to be kept away is by suppressing it.So yes, for the first time in my 27years of life, AF has gone missing thanks to Lucrin. One month missing, one more month to go. I am due for another injection on the 9th of February - that's 8 days away and according to my ticker countdown, I am 11 days away from ovulation. Hmmm... Won't that then be too late to suppress my hormones? Well I am sure the Dr knows what she's doing.

I am just praying that I will still be able to handle the menopausal symptoms. Last month it has been tough. Hubby has been at the end of some of it but most of the time it was my students. Blame them for being so ridiculously lazy. Not only will they not listen when you are teaching, they won't even do their homework. N worse of all how rude some of these kids are. Their sentence are punctuated with the F-word. What is the world coming to? What are their parents doing? When I see these kids, I think twice about having my own children but then again it is all about the nurture. If you do it right from the beginning, I am sure with God's willing, they will turn out just fine.

Back to my symptoms. Damn the weather has been hot. The hot flushes is making me ridiculously hot in the face. It is so hot that it hurts. A few days ago, I started having slight twinges and cramping in my lower abdomen. Nothing to really worry about I guess coz I have had worse crampings in the past. I have been having the runs too. It has been very watery. Not sure whether it was something I ate or what. But I hope it will improve. I am planning to not waste any MCs unnecessarily. I have better plans for them in the near future.

With a weekly housekeeper, I have more time for ME time. With my lessons preparations for the next 3 weeks done, I have more time for an entry as well as to use the computer. I am currently reading the following...


My sis has gotten me hook to this. She has lent me this book for about 3 weeks now. I have just started reading a few days ago and I can't seem to put it down. It is keeping my mind off TTC issues at least for now.

Since February is the month of LOVE, I will be ending my entries for this month with banners dedicated to my loved ones especially hubby. Thank you for all the love and support you have showered me. You have been my pillar of strength and the love of my life.

Believe me when I say...

Friends, please believe me when I say that I am truly very happy and excited for all of you if you were to receive the BFP. I am but please don't rub it in my face. I will be very glad if you share the news with me. It makes me feel as if I am important enough in your life that you want to share such a news with me.

"Farhan, I am very happy for you. I wish you all the best in your pregnancy. I pray that everything will go as plan and may you have a smooth pregnancy and have a bouncing baby boy/girl in 9 months time. The following entry is NOT about you ok

My weekend was almost perfect. That is until I receive THE news. I was told that my bestfriend who was married to my hubby's besfriend who was married a year later than us is expecting their second child. Hmmmm... If that wasn't bad enough. I was reminded that I still had nothing when my best friend is already going to have 2. Not that I do not want any. I just can't have them yet. I wish the situation is different. I wish .... Well what is the point of wishing if you know it is not going to come true.

According to my count down ticker counter, I am supposed to be getting my period tomorrow. This will be my 2nd menses that I am gonna miss due to hormones suppression. I am sure not missing visits from AF just yet. I wish I am not receiving AF visit due to pregnancy and not because of hormones suppression but well... we just have to wait for a bit more. 83 more days to be exact!!! That seems like a long way to go. Well I truly hope that with my busy schedule at work time will pass by more quickly. I am gonna take a week at a time.

How do I show that I am truly happy when there is a part of me that do feel jealous that they are having what I have dreamt of for a very long time. 4 years 4 months to be exact. I do want to feel all they symptoms. I take the symptoms all in my stride if only I could be pregnant and have a baby/babies of my own. I am not getting any younger and my house has been rather empty and quiet for a very long time. Hubby and I are enjoying our twosome together but the stretch is getting too much to handle. I want to lose sleep looking after our babies, I want to gain weight from the pregnancy. But for now, I shall just be contented with what I have... Great friends, wonderful family and a loving, caring and understanding husband. To all my friends, I can definitely use the following...
Please strengthen me, bless me and encourage me. I am in need of it. I am currently at my lowest low. I guess it is the hormones doing the talking. I hope I will be better when weekend comes.Please don't get me wrong. Emotionally I am okay. Just a little off balance I guess. I am happy but being happy doesn't mean everything is alright/perfect. The following banner summarise everything about how I am feeling.

Goodbye 2008, Welcome 2009

As we bid goodbye to 2008 and welcome 2009, I began to reminiscene on my past year. the things that I have done that I am proud as well as ashame of. Well there are a few. But the new year shall bring me new hope. I am praying that 2009 will be a better year for both me and hubby as well as everyone we know. So what am I looking forward to in this coming 2009?

Marriage: I am praying that as we reached our 5th year of marriage our love for each other gets stronger. I pray that we will be as happy or even happier that we have been. No matter what life throws at us, we will be able to face it together. N of course if God decides to answer my previous year's wish, a little me or hubby would be nice to add to our twosome.

Work: I hope that my transfer to this new workplace had been a wonderful and correct move. I hope to make new close colleagues just like how I had in my previous workplace. I hope to be able to be a better educator, teaching my students lesson in the book as well as in life.

Family: I couldn't have asked for a better family. I wish my parents will continue to have good health and abundant wealth. I pray that my sister and brother will be able to achieve their dreams and may they grow to be better off than I am.

Last but not least to all my readers here... Let me leave all of you with something.

The day after Christmas

To everyone who celebrates Christmas... MERRY CHRISTMAS!!! Sorry my message came a little late but better late than never right. My most sincere apologies. Well what was I doing on Christmas day? The last I checked, nothing much. Work is starting on Monday. Not fully, just a staff meeting. Official work will start on Friday, 2nd January 2009. So yesterday, I decided to get off my couch and start with my re-packing and re-filling of all the resources that I have accumulated.

Not much was done actually. I just managed to relabel some of my filing rack and files. Did I mention that I will be teaching ALL Maths classes this coming year? It is a tentative deployment. Will be confirmed by Monday. Looking at that tentative deployment, I will also be teaching all upper sec classes. Hmmm... Am I capable of doing it? If it was in my previous school, I would say not a problem. But here, with a co-ed school. new colleagues, new management, will I be able to survive? I am praying that I will. I am hoping that things will be better here than where I was previously. I really do not wish to move again. It was painful to leave the students that I have loved and the colleagues that have become family. So we'll see. Perhaps the new year will bring me a little bit more courage to face the future and what is in store for me.

Today has been another quiet day. I don't feel like going anywhere. Reason? Please refer to previous posts. Yes, I am jealous. Jealous of people who has the family that I am struggling to start. It has been almost 4 years since I first said maybe next year we will be spending it with little me and little hubby. This year is no different from other years. It has been 8 years since we have been together, married for 4 and still nothing to show for it. Our love for each other is still strong or perhaps stronger after all that we have been through. Today shall be the last day this year that I am going to mourn and feel sorry for myself. I found something on the net today. I shall leave you all with it.

Does that make me less of a woman?

I woke up today to a rainy Sunday. N today is the day I decide to feel sorry for myself. I woke up feeling so low. I messaged hubby who was at work and tears started welling my eyes. ALL I wanted is a child with him, the love of my life. I am not asking for anything more. But time and time again, I was tested. First it was the low sperm count and motility, then come the HUGE cysts, then come the hormones suppression. What's next?

With the hormones suppression, my menses will not come. I feel so much less of a woman. I mean what is the use of me being a woman if I can't have my menses, produce my own eggs and have my own baby. Yes it will only be for 3 months but it is 3 months too long. Hmmm...

Messaged hubby about my fears. Fear that I won't be able to have our own kids, fear that he might leave me for another. Fear that I can't get through all these obstcles and challenges. His next messgae did not totally rid me of my fears but it does make me feel better.

"Of course you can get through this. You got me. I love you sayang. You can't put a timetable of when you want a child. Plan yes. Execute yes. The rest is beyond our powers. Sayang I got you. That's enough for me. Children are the bonus. You can't give up hope just bcoz of small Tests by Allah. U never lose any limbs or senses. To me all this just keeps reminding me of how blessed I am to have you as my wife. Every obstacles we overcome just reinforced my belief that something wonderful is awaiting us at the end of it."

So here I am... Yes, in the next few months I will at times wake up feeling very insecure about my womanhood. I will at times wake up with the most unreasonable fear that my husband gonna love me less and leave me for another. But at the end of the day, with God's Grace, I believe me and hubby will get through this and when we do get through this I know we will be a stronger couple.

Friends - Real or Imaginary?

Just a little introduction for the entry coz I do not want people to misunderstand the nature of this entry. I am not writing this because I am angry with the lady friend of mine mention in it. This blog has never been about other people. It is about me. How I am worried about making this site a public one. N how I have lost someone I called a friend. N how I am afraid of losing more friends if they knew about my IF.

Here I am in in this world of IF. I used to be denial saying that it can't be happening to me. Of all people why me? But after 2 years, I began to come to terms with it. Along the way, I have gotten to know people (in real life) that are in the same boat as me. Thinking that they will understand how I felt, I too share my story with them. A few became my close friends, while there is one who has somehow along the way turn her back on me. I am not sure what her reasons are.

Due to this reason I have become more and more sceptical about being friends in real life with people who has face IF. I worry the same thing will happen all over again. It hurts to lose a friend you know. That is why I have kept this blog of mine a faceless one. I appreciate the friendship, advices, wishes and prayers from all you ladies out there. But to make this blog an open one, I am not ready. I have to think of my husband, my family and our friends. What if they stumble about this blog and finds out our problem? Will they remain my friends? Or like the lady I mention above, turn their back on me and leave as if I have a contagious, dreaded disease?

So what happens with that particular lady you may ask? Well, just like me she faces IF too. Just that our issues are totally different. Mine being Male IF factor, hers is because of a blocked fallopian tube. Even after an op to supposedly repair the tube, she was still not able to conceive. During this time, I was trying IUI. After her op, she tried IVF for the first time and with God's Grace, she got pregnant. I was truly happy for her. I prayed for her safe pregnancy and wishes her all the best. But somehow, after telling me that she was pregnant, she suffered a miscarriage. She was angry. She was upset. In fact, I forgave her for the unpleasant things she said to me during the moment of anger. I understood her feelings although I, myself have never experienced such loss before. Since then our friendship began to distance.

6 months later, I happen to stumble upon her blog once again and learn that she has gone through IVF for a second time and now she is pregnant with triplets. I was happy for her. I messaged her and wished her all the best. She didn't reply my message, never return my call and practically blew me off. Why the arrogance? Why the attitude? I understand your need for privacy but since you put it up on the net, it means that you want to share it with people, right? Wrong?

So yes here I am losing a friend. Am I ready to lose more friends? No I am not. But I sure am glad I shared my stories here as through this site, I have manage to "meet" people from all over the world that I can truly call a friend. A real friend to share my ups and downs (which is more common in this journey of overcoming IFs), more real than those that I personally know in real life.

"To all you ladies who has been my pillar of strength, my support, my advisor, I would like to say a HUGE THANK YOU. You are my real friends."

Adoption and Surrogacy...

2 commonly used terms among people in the IF sphere. After trying IUI/IVF for many many years and still not able to conceive, what's next? Adoption or surrogacy? This particular entry of mine is NOT to impose my opinion on others. It is just something I strongly feel about. I apologise in advance if whatever I am going to write will hurt anyone's feelings. This is just MY opinion. To each is his own. Personally if God decides that I am not going to be able to be pregnant with my own kids after IUI/IVF, I will choose adoption over surrogacy.

Before I go into the reasons behind my choice. Let's take a look at what surrogacy is all about. Surrogacy is a method of reproduction whereby a woman agrees to become pregnant and deliver a child for a contracted party. She may be the child's genetic mother (the more traditional form of surrogacy), or she may, as a gestational carrier, carry the pregnancy to delivery after having been implanted with an embryo. Or it could just be donor sperm/egg.

There are 4 types of surrogacy.
(1) In traditional surrogacy (aka the Straight method) the surrogate is pregnant with her own biological child, but this child was conceived with the intention of relinquishing the child to be raised by others; by the biological father and possibly his spouse or partner, either male or female. The child may be conceived via home artificial insemination using fresh or frozen sperm or impregnated via IUI (intrauterine insemination), or ICI (intra cervical insemination) which is performed at a fertility clinic.

(2) In gestational surrogacy (aka the Host method) the surrogate becomes pregnant via embryo transfer with a child of which she is not the biological mother. She may have made an arrangement to relinquish it to the biological mother or father to raise, or to a parent who is themselves unrelated to the child (e. g. because the child was conceived using egg donation, sperm donation or is the result of a donated embryo). The surrogate mother may be called the gestational carrier.

(3) Altruistic surrogacy is a situation where the surrogate receives no financial reward for her pregnancy or the relinquishment of the child (although usually all expenses related to the pregnancy and birth are paid by the intended parents such as medical expenses, maternity clothing, and other related expenses).[1]

(4) Commercial surrogacy is a form of surrogacy in which a gestational carrier is paid to carry a child to maturity in her womb and is usually resorted to by well off infertile couples who can afford the cost involved or people who save and borrow in order to complete their dream of being parents. This procedure is legal in several countries including in India where due to excellent medical infrastructure, high international demand and ready availability of poor surrogates it is reaching industry proportions. Commercial surrogacy is sometimes referred to by the emotionally charged and potentially offensive terms "wombs for rent", "outsourced pregnancies" or "baby farms".

Okay now back to why I choose Adoption over surrogacy. Personally, although I know that adoption will means that that child is not my own, at least I know that I am giving that child a place called home. Surrogacy especially one that uses a donor egg/sperm is firstly NOT ALLOWED in my religion. How I see it is, it is almost similar to having my husband be intimate with another woman and vice versa. This is one of the reasons why I will not be able to see myself using donor eggs/sperms. This is also the reason why I choose to get rid of my frozen embryo once my 10 years for storage is up. I can't foresee knowing that somehow there are "my kids" running around out there that I don't know about. What if in the long run, that kid meet with my kid and they fell in love. Wouldn't that be a HUGE disaster??? So yes, if Fate has it that I am not meant to be a mother to my own kids, I will resort to Adoption and be a mother to kids that are need.

P.S: No harm is intended from this entry of mine. I am just stating my own opinion. Hope I didn't hurt anyone whether intentionally or unintentionally.

On time as usual

As usual, the dreaded visitor came to visit in the wee hours of the morning. On the dot Day 29. In my 27 years (15 years of receiving her visits), never once had she been late. I used to think how lucky I was but then now that I am on this route, I just wish that for once she comes later than usual. But I guess not.

Now with her presence, I can start counting down to the 10th of December. Of course I am not looking forward to it but if it going to make my journey to parenthood a little smoother so be it. Hubby was lying on the sofa then he called for me. He held me in his arms and mumbled something. He said he did not like that I had to go through surgery. I said then perhaps he can go through it for me. N what he said next brought tears to my eyes. If I could I would. How romantic is that?

I mean after being together for almost 7 years and married for 4, you wouldn't expect that sort of thing, would you? We love each other, I love him more than anything else. We still walk hand in hand, feed each other food and steal a kiss once in a while in public. But we are not the kind that verbalise our feelings. We usually show our feelings through our everyday actions rather than through words. But what he said yesterday was truly very sweet and it touched me deeply.

So here I am right now, waiting for my surgery date. Am I scared? Of course I am. Am I worried? Definitely. During the surgery, you never know what's going to happen since you are under anasthesia. Will I wake up only to discover that the worst had happen? Well for now, I am just going to think positive and remain strong for both me and hubby. I can't look scared or worried in front of hubby as it will affect him. I know I can get through this. Insya Allah.

Today could have been the start

As I woke up this morning, I felt so surreal. A little empty inside too. I mean I have been looking forward to this day for a very long time. Then when the time drew nearer, Fate plays a cruel joke on me. N here I am looking at the calendar and wishing that today could have been the day that I start my Lucrin Injections. Ahhhh....

Sorry people I am just trying to let it go. I have always been a control freaked. I need to be in control of my life. But when I started facing IF, control was the last thing that I had. My body just decides to do what it feels like doing. Just like how this cysts have decided to grow so out of proportion and now I am just waiting for my surgery date.

When I read the IVF support group thread, I sometimes feel like I want to leave a note/message but then what do I know about IVF when I havent even done it before? I am happy for every single one of them who has started or who are going to start the cycle soon. For those of them who are in the midst of the cycle, my prayers are with them. Hoping that they will achieve the success that they had dream of for the longest time ever. As for me, yes April will be the month I will start on the cycle, provided nothing else gets in the way. Could it be earlier? I don't think so as at this point of time I don't think I want to miss work.

Yes! At the current moment, I am still thinking about work. I really respect all the ladies in the thread that has quit their job to be on this journey. I don't think I can afford it. I still want my financial independence. I really do not like to be fully dependent on my hubby. Not that I don't trust him or anything but at this current moment, I can do what I want with my own money. Purchase all the books I want to meet my needs for intellectual stimulation, travel with him around the world, eat out with my family and friends. But without work, I have to put all these aside. Am I willing to let go of that? Seriously? NO.

Yes I am being selfish. But this is for my own sanity. Can you imagine what I will become if I were to quit my job and then this journey doesn't end the way I want it to be? Anyway, hopefully with me working I will be able to do more cycles if (touch wood) the first try doesnt work.

Okay got to go now. Gotta pack my luggage. I am leaving in 2 days and my luggage is still empty. Just too lazy to do it. But I am looking forward to the trip. Hahaha... How much more confused can I get?

Swept me off my feet

Where have I been the last few days? Well on the fertility side nothing much really. My ovulation day come and go without me fretting over it. I mean I was reminded to have either abstinence or safe sex to prevent any accidental pregnancy just before the surgery. Well total abstinence was out of the question of course... So yes there were some actions but we were careful. VERY CAREFUL!!! So no 2WW this months. There will not be any 2 WW for another 2-3 months. I am making sure I am truly well before we actively try again. This doesn't me that we are not gonna try. We might start once my wound heals but we are not trying actively, no medication, no injection. All naturale... Then if still nothing, when April comes, we will start our IVF cycle.

So what have I planned for this holiday? Well since I am moving to a new work environment, I will be busy preparing work materials. There are just far too many files and boxes in my store right now. Need to sought them out before I go for surgery.

By the way, since my IVF cycle is postponed, me and hubby bringing my parents and sister to Hong Kong/Disneyland next week. Yup I will be going for a short holiday. My family has been everything for me. They have always been there for me when I needed them so this is sort of my gift to them.

Since last week, I have been swept of my feet a couple of times. Not by any person in particular. People who knows me will know that I LOVE READING. But due to busy schedule that has slowed down tremendously. Last week, my sister has introduced me to 2 wonderful writers: Susan Elizabeth Phillips and Jodi Picoult.The first book by Susan that I read is called "Kiss An Angel".

It blew me away. The story is funny, sensual and at times makes you feel the same way as the characters in her books. YOu might laugh with them and cry with them. Went out with a good friend of mine and bought 2 more books of hers. That isnt satisfying enough. So I bought a few more ONLINE!!! Bless whoever created online shopping. Hehehe... Hubby might freaked out when my packages start arriving from 3rd December onwards...

Currently reading the above.

Well, I love reading books by a certain author I won't be satisfied until I have read every one of their books. So yes, I am going to occupy my holidays doing the things I love doing. Travelling and Reading.

Dr Google answers to CYSTS...

My lower back is starting to ache again. What's wrong with me? Is it even back sprain at all or is it something more serious? Asking Dr Google cause me to be more suspicious of this lower back pain. I really do not want to take any more painkillers. I hope this will improves on it its own somehow.

Alright let us handle one issue at a time. The first issue that was of great concern for me was the A LOT of CYSTS comments by Dr Saline Sonogram... So I did my research and questionings and this was what I got.

There are 3 types of ovarian cysts. Mainly follicular cysts,corpus luteum cyst and theca lutein cysts.

(1) Follicular Cysts
Follicular cysts are hands down the most frequent types of cysts that occur in the ovaries. These cysts can often be found more than one per ovary and measure from a few millimeters (tiny) to a 15-centimeter (6-inch) cyst. They are best diagnosed with ultrasound, because your doctor can see inside it to make sure there are no suspicious solid areas.

What are the most common symptoms of follicular cysts?

In addition to the pain from fluid or blood leaking out and the abnormal uterine bleeding (abnormal periods), other symptoms can occur. Some of these are annoying, such as a pressure feeling in the pelvis, and some are basically surgical emergencies such as torsion (twisting of the ovary on it’s own blood supply), which is a wrenching pain that can double you over, cause nausea, then let go, only to repeat itself over an over. If this happens, you should act on it rapidly or you can lose one of your ovaries, because the blood supply to it is cut off.

How are follicular cysts treated?

The truth is that if you wait, almost all ovarian follicular cysts will just go away. Surgery is not needed in most cases, and most often your doctor will simply repeat the ultrasound in about 6 to 8 weeks. In the vast majority of cases, the cyst disappears on its own by silently leaking and rupturing.

My Comments: Great!!! After all that I have to wait again. 6 - 8 weeks somemore. perhaps all these waiting months after months have resulted in all those cysts in there.

(2) Corpus Luteum Cysts (CLC)

Another type of physiologic or functional cyst is known as a corpus luteum cyst (CLC). These are less frequent than a follicular cyst but can cause more problems and emergencies, especially internal bleeding. Why do you need to know the difference? Because your doctor is likely to throw names around that distinguish between these cysts and the specific dangers and treatment options. These cysts also produce different hormones that affect your body and hormone balance. If you don’t know the difference, you can be fooled into thinking something is safe when it is not or getting a surgery that you don’t need.

You can get some of these cysts during early pregnancy, which is perfectly normal. They usually go away by the second trimester. Some do not, and if they do not look suspicious on the ultrasound, it is safe to leave them alone. In most cases, they eventually go away after pregnancy.

How do you know if you have a CLC?

A missed period followed by some spotting, one-sided pelvic pain and a pelvic examination, which finds a tender ovarian mass, suggest that a persistent CLC is the culprit. It is important to make sure, however, that a pregnancy test is ordered, because these same findings may be there for an ectopic pregnancy (tubal pregnancy). An ultrasound may not be able to tell these two apart and the treatment would be completely different. There is another nonphysiologic cyst, which can cause similar symptoms, called an "endometrioma" that you need to be familiar with. That is treated in yet another way, often involving surgery, and is a whole separate topic.

When a CLC ruptures, the amount of bleeding and/or pain may cause this to be a surgical emergency. This is unusual, but there are medications and herbs you may be taking that could make it much worse. In particular, these include aspirin, non-steroidal anti-inflammatory drugs (e.g. ibuprofen), Vitamin E and ginko biloba. There are others, but basically stay away from anything that may "thin the blood" and cause easy bruising or bleeding. Review all the medications, herbals and supplements you are taking with your regular doctor and/or nutritionist or naturopathic doctor.

Unfortunately, one third of women (33%) who have a problem with bleeding from a CLC will have it happen again, possibly over and over. So knowing what to avoid can save more than one trip to the operating room or possibly even your life.

By the way, pelvic pain with or without ovarian cysts being present does not mean the pain is coming from a gynecologic organ. In other words, there are other things down there in your pelvis. You could have appendicitis or other bowel problems, which have nothing to do with your gynecologic organs.

If surgery is necessary because of bleeding, it is often possible to do it through a laparoscope (bandaid surgery). Usually the ovary does not have to be removed. Only the cyst is removed and bleeding stopped.

If the cyst is NOT ruptured, and there is no bleeding or torsion, it is reasonable to avoid surgery and “wait it out." Why? Because surgery, no matter how small, causes scars or adhesions to form. You want to avoid surgery if your doctor thinks it is safe based on all of the things you just read about.

(3) Theca Lutein Cysts

The least common type of physiologic or functional cysts are called "theca lutein cysts" (TLC). The key difference is that these are usually multiple, on both ovaries, and occur all at the same time. Each of these cysts can be 1cm to 10cm in size, so if there are multiple cysts, the ovaries can be massively enlarged: up to 20 to 30cm (about 10 inches or more) on both sides. How does this happen? The answer is simply hormonal overstimulation of the ovaries due to pregnancy.

Most often this occurs due to very high beta-hCG levels (a hormone of pregnancy) often seen with twins or abnormalities called "molar pregnancy," where the placenta develops but the fetus does not. This is a highly oversimplified explanation, but the point is that high levels of hCG stimulate the ovary. The reason for this overstimulation should be evaluated. Sometimes these cysts can even look like cancer to the untrained eye. Quite a scare, but usually you just need to ask the right questions and in most cases it is not cancer.

My Comments: Ask the right questions??? What if I don't know what questions to ask? Cant the Dr just explain to me what time of cysts I am having the moment they see these things? I believe I have the last type of cysts. I mean after going through IUI twice, the risk of over stimulation is possible right? I usually have a perfect 7 days cycle but since 2006, my cycle have dwindled to 4 - 5days. Of course I wasn't complaining then but now perhaps I should have brought it up to my then gynae. Hmmm...

My trip to the clinic...

This is going to be a long entry. An entry full of questions and perhaps graphic in nature. A little Too Much Information too... So if you are not up for a long whiny entry, please skip this one. Some basic information first. The text in black is my normal entry, italics is me thinking out loud and white are text/answers I got from Dr Google.

I consider yesterday to be my first major step towards this IVF journey. It was the day I meet up with my Medical Social Worker as well as my Saline Sonogram. How come no one told me that the sonogram can be one painful experience? It was nothing like the HCG. Okay let's do this one apointment at a time.

Appointment with Medical Social Worker (MSW) @ 2pm

We arrived a little early. Thus decide to have breakfast/lunch at Macdonald's. Arrived at the MSW office 5 minutes to 2pm. But she was not around. So we waited. Me getting anxious by the minute as I have another appointment at the Digital Imaging site. She came back at 2.30pm after being called by the receptionist. She is this very nice lady who is warm. She make us feel at ease. We spoke. She even told us about her IVF journey. The ups and downs that we should be thinking about and expecting. She said she like my positive nature and she hopes that my positive nature will give me a slightly higher chance of success. She also asked us to start thinking of our Risk Management Plan. She says at the end of this journey, there is a result - either +ve or -ve. So what happens if it is +ve? N what happens if it is -ve? If it is +ve and we have twins what are we gonna do? Well, me and hubby have talked and have discussed. So generally the session was a breeze. We ended the session with her wishing me good luck on this journey. She also said that she is a little greedy so she wished that I have 2. I like her and I believe I can relate to her as she knows how I feel and what I am going through. She left me her card with her number and email address on it. Thus I will be emailing her soon. To thank her for a wonderful afternoon. We spent about 45 minutes in her office. At 3.15pm, we made our way to the Digital Imaging office. N this were my horror starts. Well i am exaggerating a little here.

Saline Sonogram @ 3pm

I registered at the reception. The nurse fumbled with my registration. She wasn't sure of what she was clicking. That set us back by another 15 minutes. Well, never mind I wasn't really in any hurry. I wasn't really looking forward to this actually. But since my Dr requested for it, I went ahead with it. After registration, I made my went with the nurse and was told to change into a robe. After changing, signed some papers and was told to go for a scan. AGAIN!!! I just did last month. But never mind. So I was brought to the scanning area via the back way. Everyone else in the waiting area was in their normal clothes and I was in a robe. That was fun. N hubby isnt there with me. To cut the story short, I went in for scan. The person who did it was some Filipino lady and did she pressed on my lower abdomen. I cringe at every pics taken. I can feel her pressing on my pelvic bone. D*&m.

Then she asked me to clear my bladder which I did. Was brought to another room. The person there asked me to wait for the doctor to come. While waiting she looked at my scan and asked me to empty my bladder again as it was full. What??? I seriously don't feel like emptying my bladder anymore. But I tried. Came back. Dr was there. Spoke to the other nurse and said in a voice that is neither too soft nor too loud. BUt still it was loud enough for me to hear. "There is a lot of cysts in there?" Excuse me, define alot here? Give me a slight explanation pls. But no!!! she's gonna give my results to my Dr and my appointment with my dr is only in January. Hello!!!! How to wait so long? What if these cysts have been the reason why I have painful periods and why we have yet to conceive?

After looking through my scans, she started with my saline sonogram. The nurse said it was gonna be like my pap smear exam. But no!!! That was not be. First she raised the bed. Then the Dr said. I can't see. She might have retroverted uterus. WHAT???? Repeat that pls... Hmmm... She raised me higher and proceeded with putting in the speculum. Wow that was the longest pap smear exam I have. After the speculum was in, she washed my "inside" with saline solution. I can feel the crampy feeling. It was worse then my monthly period. N for this, i cant even move. Then she inflate the balloon so that when the inject the saline solution, it won't come out. That makes me feel worse. An inflated balloon down there. SHUCKS!!!!

She proceeded with the procedure. A few minutes later I was told it was over. The crampy feeling was horrible. As i got up the bed, I saw some bleeding on the bed. Went to change and waited a bit before was discharged by the nurse. After that i have so many questions in my head. Cysts, retoverted uterus... So many questions, so little answers. Should I email the Dr and get an answer? Or should I just proceed with my IVF journey? What if all the above will affect the outcome of my IVF journey? Hmmm....

WOW!!! This has been a very long entry. Perhaps I shall post Dr Googles answer in another entry. Time for me to get change and go to my mum's place again. Hubby is working night shift again. Till my next entry.

Short Update

Just a short update from me. Got to go and get ready for my appointment at KK. Hope the sonogram goes well. Hope nothing is wrong with my uterine wall. Oh God, pls listen to my prayers and answer it.

I have not been updating due to a tight and busy schedule at work. Meeting and reports to be done and since result of my transfer is out, I have been busy clearing and packing my desk too... Okay back to my journey to motherhood.

So far everything is going smoothly. I have been trying to keep myself healthy for this cycle. Drinking milk, eating right, light exercise and meditating for a calm mind. Other than that it has been waiting and more waiting. But I am glad and thankful that I have a supportive hubby and family. YES!!! I have finally broke the news to my mum and dad. I mean, they brought us to the hospital last week remember when I had my blood test. So after that, we went for breakfast and we talked and chatted and we decide to let them in on it. We did tell them however, the results might not be positive all the time. Mama being the very religious one in the family, reminds me that what matters the most is we have tried and done our best. The outcome is beyond our control. We have to have faith in God's action. Mum and dad are very supportive in our journey. My sis is too young to understand ( I think she is but in actual fact she is much more mature than her age). My bro was informed of our plans some time back when I told him I had to save lots of money. (Not sure whether he remembered but the fact is he knows).

I am actually glad that they know what I going through. I mean it is then easier for me to discuss issues with my mum and dad won't say things that he feels might hurt our feelings and as for the rest of our relatives, at least mama can help to fend off all questions on my behalf. I know I am very lucky in this aspect as not many have such an understanding family. MY DEAR FAMILY, I LOVE YOU!!!

Okay now back to what I was supposed to write. Warning: There will be TMI.You know the 2 - 3 weeks before you start your lucrin injection where you are told to practice safe sex/abstinence? How do you gals do it? Hubby and I have not been practising safe since we first did it. I mean there was no sex before marriage and the moment we got married there was no BCP or condoms... N now to make that purchase at the pharmacy... hmmm...I am feeling a little shy here and to have complete abstinence, that's even tougher. So how??? Well, we will see how it goes today. We might make a purchase (even if we buy one, we have never use it, we might just stumble when putting it on. Hahahah) or perhaps we will just wait it out.

Okay it seems that my short update has become a long one. Hehehe... Time for me to really go and get ready. I will update again soon with regards to my appointment today.

When hope seems so far away...

I have been sick since the last 2 days - coughing, fever and flu. Dr gave me 2 days MC to rest but the pain doesnt seem to go away. The cough is really causing and irritation in my throat. throat hurts so bad. But today after taking some medicine, I dragged my feet out of bed and followed hubby to make booking for our family getaway. Nothing is confirmed yet but hopefully everything goes well. At least it will give me some time to get away from all these treatments.

I know I have mentioned in my previous entries that I am not putting so much hope in this cycle but the hope is still there. I was still hoping and praying that perhaps by some miracle, I will get pregnant naturally. But with my cough, fever and flu, that hope seems so far away. You know sometimes I really wish that I do not have to go through all those injections and scannings (I don't know but sometimes I feel that these scannings can be rather intrusive.) But if this is the only way that I can be pregnant so be it.

I was reading through the forum and I understand that for some ladies there the moment their first Semen Analysis shows a 1% morphology, they do not qualify for IUI and was recommended to do IVF straightaway. So why was I asked to do IUI first (twice for that matter), and why wasn't I recommended IVF at all. I considered it myself. I decided to go to KKIVF myself.

Perhaps there is a reason behind all this. Just like how at first I was supposed to be on the short antagonist cycle but because the lab is going to be closed during the week that I am supposed to do my pick up and transfer, they say I should start in my Nov/Dec cycle. N because of that also I am now able to go on that trip with my whole family. I guess there is a blessing behind everything that happens.

Hopefully with a little more time to rest and take medications to prepare my body for the long IVF journey, it will bear me fruits.

What is the world coming to?

I was looking through the pictures and article I have saved in my folders and guess what I came across.



This newspaper article was from some years back I believe. I came across it during the time when I was trying very hard to conceive. I was so annoyed and angry at what some people are willing to do to cover up their bad deeds. I mean YES I was very very angry. Here I am (n so many others out there) trying to be pregnant and there they are (teenagers and even some adults) who can easily get pregnant, just decide to either abort or in this case throw the new born baby down the rubbish chute. What was the mother thinking? Okay maybe that's the problem, she was not thinking.

Even if for one reason or another she can't keep the baby, why can't she put the baby up for adoption? There are o many couples who totally can't have a kid on their own and depend on adoption. Why does she have to throw the baby down the rubbish chute. I am just thinking how the baby was feeling in the last few minutes of his/her life.

Sometimes I also question, why do people who do not want kids can easily get one while people who truly wants one cant have it. Why life is so unfair sometimes? Why are they more deserving than we are? Aren't children God's give to people? So why are they given such important gifts when they have done so many bad things? Why are they given such gifts when they dont want it?

Then again who am I to judge them. Perhaps God feels that I am more worse off than these people are. Perhaps, He feels that I am strong that is why He tests me in such a way. God, please listen to my prayers. I am not as strong as you think I am. I am weak. Haven't you seen or heard the number of times I have cried over your tests? Despite my sometimes wavering faith, I continue to pray to you and continue to believe in the miracles you can create.

CD 14 /15 - Time to ovulate

Well as the tinker says on the right. It is Day 15 and it time for me to ovulate. But somehow personally I feel that the tinker might be a bit off. I had that very painful cramps 2 days ago about CD12/CD13. The pain that has kept me away from the net. I can't really sit properly. My back hurst badly. Just had to lie down on the sofa with the tv as my company. So I was thinking perhaps my Ovulation happen during that time.

Well what ever it is, me and hubby was not really banking in on achieving pregnancy naturally. I mean we know where our problem lies. It will be a reall miracle if we do get pregnant in this cycle (which is by far, the month where we put in the least effort). Hubby didn't want me to get stress over the results. He said let's just do according to what our body says. No need to force it just so that we get the exact timing, which I don't even know if we are getting it right. So after 2 days of rest, the aching back and cramps are gone. I guess my uterus has gone back to its resting position, either preparing for implantation (if I am pregnant) or preparing the lining to be displace out of my body by beginning of next month.

In the past 2 weeks wait was a torture. By the 4 week, I will usually read into all the symptoms. But when we learn about our situation, I stop thinking of the symptoms coz I know at a specific time AF will arrive somehow (just whether she got into a traffic jam or not). This month it will be no different from other months. No looking into symptoms. I am just going to let this cycle past, and then proceed with our plans/schedule.

I seriously can't wait for this cycle to past as quickly as possible.

My Fears...

Well this entry is written after my 'conversation' with 2 friends I just gotten to know. Being human, YES I have ALOT of fears... When I first decide to get married, I was worried whether I can be a good wife, a good daughter in law a good mother. After being married and still not pregnant after 1 year, I began getting scared, what if I can't get pregnant for one reason or another. Then when I started the IUI journey, I was scared everytime I am waiting for the day I can test. What if I fail again? Will I be able to handle it? Will I be able to accept it if it failed again?

I thought I was gonna break down and cry and never ever stand up again. But I was lucky to have a very supportive husband. He is the strong one in the relationship. He is also the more positive one. Too positive sometimes. He is the one who sees the glass half full yet I am the one who sees the glass half empty. After the 2 failed IUI, I was depressed. I told hubby no more. I am done. So we stopped all fertility treatment. I mean financial constraint was also a problem. So we took a break. A very long break.

We travelled, we learnt more about each other, we try to bring ourself closer to God. N I am glad with his support and my mum (who is my constant supporter) I got through the difficult period. I learnt to accept AF visit month after month. After almost 2 years of trying on our own with no results, I am finally ready for another round of fertility treatment. This time IVF.

I am doing as much reading as possible before embarking on this journey. I am also trying to prepare myself and hubby for any possibilities. I mean we can always try but at the end of the day it is all left to God. I have read successful stories of ladies who went through IVF. I also have read the failures. Some manage to get back up on their feet. Some just sunk lower. I am praying that I will be able to get over whatever outcome.

IVF does not come without its worry. Premature babies, stillborn, no heartbeart at a later part of 1st trimester, miscarriages etc... You think I don't think about it? I do... All the time!!! But I guess for now I will just take one step at a time and I will overcome whatever obstacles when I reach it.

Getting Pregnant Is Easy: Facts Vs Myths

I have been at work since morning but there was nothing much to do. Perhaps I should have thought about this earlier, took leave earlier and start my IVF cycle earlier. Well what is past is past. Let's not think about it. Let's look ahead. But you know sometimes you just can't help but think. If I had gone for the treatment earlier, would I have been pregnant earlier. If I had gone straight to IVF instead of IUI, would it have bear us fruits sooner and save us alot of money.

Well let's not think about it and move on. Was doing some reading online since I was free.And found the following article. By the way, the one in italics are my own comments.

Many misperceptions surround the subjects of conception and fertility, in large part due to the fact that these topics aren’t generally discussed among friends and family, and many people don’t even bring them up with their doctors. The following are some common myths about fertility and the facts that may surprise you.

Myth: Getting pregnant is easy.

Fact: While it may appear some women can get pregnant easily, the fact is one in eight couples in the United States will experience problems with fertility.

What about in Singapore. What is the statistics like? I tried searching but no conclusive results.

Myth: Lots of women are waiting until their 40s to start a family, so I have plenty of time.

Fact: While news abounds about celebrities having children well into their 40s, some of these women may actually be using donor eggs, or even surrogate carriers. The truth of the matter is the longer you wait to try to become pregnant, the slimmer your chances of conceiving. Fertility begins to decline for women at age 27 and dramatically declines by the age of 35. After age 40, women who do become pregnant face a 50 percent chance of miscarriage, so the earlier a couple seeks a fertility evaluation, the better able they’ll be to take steps to conceive.

In Singapore, I guess this is pretty untrue. There are of course cases where women think about career first and family later but I don't think it reach a stage where they wait till they are 40 to start a family. Look at me... I was 24 when I started trying to conceive actively but I am still unsuccessful. I am currently 27, turning 28 next year. According to results fertility begins to decline at age 27 so I guess it was a good decision on my part to start IVF this year.

Myth: If you have a regular period, you can conceive.

Fact: A woman’s fertility can be impacted even though there are no disruptions with her menstrual cycle. A period does not necessarily mean that a woman is ovulating or releasing an egg. A couple should speak to their physician if they are under the age of 35 and have been attempting to conceive for one year without success. If the couple is over the age of 35, they should seek treatment if they have been trying to conceive without success for six months.

So NOT true. I have regular periods. My period is on the dot. 28 days and AF will appear on the 29th day. But here I am 4 years down the road of TTC with no results.

Myth: A couple’s fertility problems are caused by the woman.

Fact: This is one of the most commonly believed fertility myths. In fact, fertility problems can be attributed to the man 35 percent of the time and to the woman 35 percent. In 20 percent of cases, it is a combined man/woman problem and in 10 percent of cases the problem is unexplained. Should they suspect problems, both the man and the woman should undergo a full fertility evaluation.

In my case, Dr diagnosed it as male factors. So guys out there, please do not just blame the ladies. You can be responsible for your current situation too. Just go with your wife for the check up.

Myth: Home remedies, such as taking cough syrup, can help you get pregnant.

Fact: It is never a good idea to self-medicate based on these kinds of legends. There is no proof, either in clinical or observational studies, that these products have any effect on fertility. Talking to your doctor about your options to become pregnant is the best way to help you conceive.

Tried and tested... Maybe others have succeeded but not in my case. I mean maybe the situations are different in all cases.

Myth: An OB/Gyn specializes in fertility and can provide all of the services needed to treat fertility problems.

Fact: When a couple experiences trouble getting pregnant, they should first speak with the woman’s OB/Gyn about their concerns. While most OB/Gyns do not have a specialty in fertility, they will be able to answer a couple’s basic questions and some may offer limited services to treat fertility problems. However, when these preliminary tests and treatments do not resolve a fertility problem, an OB/Gyn may refer the couple to a specialist, known as a reproductive endocrinologist (RE). REs have special training and equipment that enable them to provide the treatment and attention needed for couples facing fertility issues.

I went straight to a gynae. Here once you mention that you have been trying actively for more than a year and yet have not conceive, they will take in your case and not oush you away. You just need to overcome the original barrier. The shame etc. You can't feel ashame to get help if you want to achieve your dream.

Myth: If you stop worrying and just relax, you’ll get pregnant.

Fact: Fertility problems are often medical in nature and can be treated. The associated stress is a result - not a cause - of these problems. While reducing the stress associated with fertility problems may improve your overall quality of life, it does not mean that you will conceive if you “just relax.” Talk to your doctor about ways to incorporate stress reduction into your fertility treatment plan to make the process easier on you and your partner.

Relax??? Hahaha very funny. First of all with family and relatives asking every month whether you have conceived..how to be relax? Even if you do get a chance to be relax, if the sperms and eggs are not meeting, no fertilisation will take place, no babies are gonna appear.

The best way to debunk common misperceptions and learn the facts on fertility and conception is to talk to your doctor and educate yourself through trusted sources, such as www.fertilityjourney.com.

Courtesy of ARAcontent

I Have Support

I am not sure if anyone of you have had this feeling before. A feeling that your husband don't really understand your need to have a child/children. Well when we first got married, we never really thought that we will be one of the statistics. When we still didnt conceive after 1 year, we went to our gynae for a little help. Wasn't really serious then. Just thought that perhaps we are one of those that needs a little more nudge. 1 year turns to 2 and now 4 years down the road we are still travelling along this long lonely road (so I thought). That is until I accidentally stumble upon a portal for women in Singapore who are some like me have been trying but to no avail. In this portal I seek solace knowing that I am not alone.

Okay as my first line has says it. I am starting to feel as if my hubby is not as interested as I am in my seek of having our own kids. I have been doing some reading yet he has just been pretty quiet. He doesn't even ask me the details of the procedure that we are embarking in. Am I just being paranoid? Or are all men like that? They show like they don't care but they actually do...

At some point in the beginning I did feel that my hubby was partly to blame for me still not being pregnant. The results says it all. But after calming myself and thinking it through, it takes two to tango. Anyway, when I first got married I remember saying that we will be together in health and in sickness, in good times and bad. I guess this is the bad time that was mentioned. I no longer blame my husband for our situation. It just that I just feel lonely when he behaves like he don't care.

It doesn't help when every single year when we go visiting for the festive season, my relatives and his will be asking why we are still a twosome and he does nothing but smiles. Help me please!!! I am tired of answering their never ending questions. It will definitely help if you can offer some of your sense of humour.

But since I found this portal, I am a happier person. I am able to clarify my doubts, get encouragement, meet people who are in the cycle or have moved on into the next phase of the cycle. I am happy that I have support.