Does that make me less of a woman?

I woke up today to a rainy Sunday. N today is the day I decide to feel sorry for myself. I woke up feeling so low. I messaged hubby who was at work and tears started welling my eyes. ALL I wanted is a child with him, the love of my life. I am not asking for anything more. But time and time again, I was tested. First it was the low sperm count and motility, then come the HUGE cysts, then come the hormones suppression. What's next?

With the hormones suppression, my menses will not come. I feel so much less of a woman. I mean what is the use of me being a woman if I can't have my menses, produce my own eggs and have my own baby. Yes it will only be for 3 months but it is 3 months too long. Hmmm...

Messaged hubby about my fears. Fear that I won't be able to have our own kids, fear that he might leave me for another. Fear that I can't get through all these obstcles and challenges. His next messgae did not totally rid me of my fears but it does make me feel better.

"Of course you can get through this. You got me. I love you sayang. You can't put a timetable of when you want a child. Plan yes. Execute yes. The rest is beyond our powers. Sayang I got you. That's enough for me. Children are the bonus. You can't give up hope just bcoz of small Tests by Allah. U never lose any limbs or senses. To me all this just keeps reminding me of how blessed I am to have you as my wife. Every obstacles we overcome just reinforced my belief that something wonderful is awaiting us at the end of it."

So here I am... Yes, in the next few months I will at times wake up feeling very insecure about my womanhood. I will at times wake up with the most unreasonable fear that my husband gonna love me less and leave me for another. But at the end of the day, with God's Grace, I believe me and hubby will get through this and when we do get through this I know we will be a stronger couple.

On time as usual

As usual, the dreaded visitor came to visit in the wee hours of the morning. On the dot Day 29. In my 27 years (15 years of receiving her visits), never once had she been late. I used to think how lucky I was but then now that I am on this route, I just wish that for once she comes later than usual. But I guess not.

Now with her presence, I can start counting down to the 10th of December. Of course I am not looking forward to it but if it going to make my journey to parenthood a little smoother so be it. Hubby was lying on the sofa then he called for me. He held me in his arms and mumbled something. He said he did not like that I had to go through surgery. I said then perhaps he can go through it for me. N what he said next brought tears to my eyes. If I could I would. How romantic is that?

I mean after being together for almost 7 years and married for 4, you wouldn't expect that sort of thing, would you? We love each other, I love him more than anything else. We still walk hand in hand, feed each other food and steal a kiss once in a while in public. But we are not the kind that verbalise our feelings. We usually show our feelings through our everyday actions rather than through words. But what he said yesterday was truly very sweet and it touched me deeply.

So here I am right now, waiting for my surgery date. Am I scared? Of course I am. Am I worried? Definitely. During the surgery, you never know what's going to happen since you are under anasthesia. Will I wake up only to discover that the worst had happen? Well for now, I am just going to think positive and remain strong for both me and hubby. I can't look scared or worried in front of hubby as it will affect him. I know I can get through this. Insya Allah.

Oh oh... Tell me...

It is not what I think it is. In the many months that I have been married. This is the first time I am wishing and praying that that was not a sign. This is the first time I wish "it" won't happen. Seriously I was not sure what it was. It is way to early to say anything. But suddenly today, out of no where, I had a crampy feeling in my lower abdomen. I have read somewhere that a sudden pain in your lower abdomen could be a sign of the cysts getting in the way of the normal system, perhaps a twisting of the tube etc.

"Ya Allah. Sesungguhnya kau Maha Mengetahui. Please keep me save and healthy to go through with the pending surgery. I pray to You, please do not let there be any complications. Please guide the Doctor's hands to remove what was suppose to be remove and leave what is not suppose to be removed in there save and sound."

My tummy feels so bloated today. It is making me so uncomfortable. I feel so full in the upper abdomen and crampy feeling in the lower abdomen. I couldn't take the pain, decide to pop a panadol. N after which I manage to catch a short nap while waiting for hubby to come back from his soccer game. The weather didn't look too good. It was definitely good for sleeping in. The heavy rain, dark clouds, lightning and thunder. I was scared but lucky my weekly housekeeper was there to keep me company. She went about her work while I catch a nap on the sofa. Woke up feeling refresh now. Perhaps I am gonna continue reading my book and finish it today. See whether I am up to it.

So OUR journey continues...

But in a totally different direction. Mama, dad and sis accompanied me to the hospital today.

Thanks to Allah for my wonderful family.They have been my pillar of strength since I was young till now that I am a married woman. They have never failed to be a part of my life whether good or bad.

Not having hubby by my side was difficult but having mama there beside me throughout my 4 hours there was more than enough. I went for another vaginal scan. I guess I have made really good friends with that 'dildo' look a like thingy. Hehehe...

I arrived as early as 8.30am at KKH. Met Nurse Josephine at the registration counter and was registered as a walk in. WIth so many people outside, I am amazed that Dr Sadhana managed to squeeze me into her schedule. Was sent to another Clinic A for a scan. Did my usual business. This is becoming a routine already. After which was given the picture of my scan. Looking from my untrained eyes, I can even tell where the cysts are. looking at the scan I already know something needs to be done. They were huge. But being not medically trained, of course I had to wait till teh report was out.

Went back to se Dr Sadhana. Was told by Nurse Josephine that my report will only be out in 1 hours time. With a rumbling tummy, looked at dad and asked whether we could go out to have breakfast. Off we went... SO where did we go? Here...


Although not many of the stalls are open, we managed to get to a stall by the corner. The food is nice. I had noodle soup, dad had chicken porridge, sis had mee hongkong and mama ate rice with chap chye. To those of you not in the 2ww or doing any procedure at the moment, go ahead and try the top 10 dishes.

Okay back to my appointment. Went back to hospital at 11am. Waited a while. Met with Dr Sadhana. She pointed out the report to me. So here it goes...

I have 1 cyst on my left ovary measuring 58mm, 2 cysts on my right ovary measuring 54mm and 34mm. Darn!!!! They are huge. No wonder I have such painful periods. The cysts are not cancerous. Thank Allah for that. But my previous guess was wrong. I don't have the 3rd type of cysts. Mine is the endometrial cysts.

Dr Sadhana has scheduled a bilateral laparoscopy/cystectomy/hydrotubation (that is alot of surgery at one go for someone who is scared of needles but since she is opening me up might as well do all at one time.)on the 10th of December 2008. According to her as I came early, she won't have to remove my ovaries. Just remove the cysts. That's another blessing once again. However she did mention that with this kind of cysts, usually it will reduce the number of egss produced during the IVF procedure. My question is Will there still be egg? YES and that is all that matters.

So yes there you go. That's our journey for the time being. If you read the right hand side of my blog, you will notice that there is some changes in our journey. Our 1st IVF cycle for #1 will start in April 2009. With God's grace that is. Insya Allah.

What a bummer!!!

I was getting ready to go out with hubby when I received a call from an unfamiliar number. Usually I will never pick up a call from an unknown caller. But today was different. I answered and I was greated by a very soft-spoken lady whom I remembered clearly - Dr Sadhana. After my Friday's sonogram, I was expecting her call actually but I didn't know that it was gonna be this soon. She voiced her concern about the many cysts in my ovaries. She was also concern about their sizes.

Hey to tell you the truth, since Friday I was concern too. I was worried.

She did mention that if I wanna do the IVF I need to do a surgery to first remove the cysts. Well yup... There goes my IVF journey for the time being. It has come to a screeching halt. Was I upset? Surprising no... I was much stronger than I expected myself to be. No tears, nothing. In fact I was calm. When she asked me to come down tomorrow for another scan, I was ready. In fact even if the size of the cysts are not that big, I might still go for the surgery after all. Just to be sure that my body is in its most prime condition for the IVF procedure.

So yes Alyssa_r, I will not be able to be you cycle buddy this time around. I wish all the best for you. May you achieve your dreams in the nearest time possible.

Some of you might wonder. Wasn't I so eager and excited to start on this IVF journey? YES I was. In fact I am still excited about the journey and the possibility of it. But I am more concern in getting rid of this persistent back ache that I am having as well as the horrible monthly AF. Perhaps with the cysts removed, things will improved for me. No more squirming and screaming in pain everytime AF come to visit.

Wasn't I the least upset? 1 week ago I might have sat down on the floor crying over the obstacles after obstacles that I am faced with. But today, no I am not upset. Coz after my appointment with the MSW I have learnt to let go. I have learnt that there are so much you can plan for but some things are just beyond your comprehension and reach. I have 2 ways of looking at this. Sit down and mourn about my life or get back on my feet and do the best I can to face whatever obstacles that is put in our path. I have a new motto in life:

"We all fail at some point in life. It is not the failing that hurts but rather knowing that we didn't try our best. As long as you have done your best, lift up your head... life must go on"

Dr Google answers to CYSTS...

My lower back is starting to ache again. What's wrong with me? Is it even back sprain at all or is it something more serious? Asking Dr Google cause me to be more suspicious of this lower back pain. I really do not want to take any more painkillers. I hope this will improves on it its own somehow.

Alright let us handle one issue at a time. The first issue that was of great concern for me was the A LOT of CYSTS comments by Dr Saline Sonogram... So I did my research and questionings and this was what I got.

There are 3 types of ovarian cysts. Mainly follicular cysts,corpus luteum cyst and theca lutein cysts.

(1) Follicular Cysts
Follicular cysts are hands down the most frequent types of cysts that occur in the ovaries. These cysts can often be found more than one per ovary and measure from a few millimeters (tiny) to a 15-centimeter (6-inch) cyst. They are best diagnosed with ultrasound, because your doctor can see inside it to make sure there are no suspicious solid areas.

What are the most common symptoms of follicular cysts?

In addition to the pain from fluid or blood leaking out and the abnormal uterine bleeding (abnormal periods), other symptoms can occur. Some of these are annoying, such as a pressure feeling in the pelvis, and some are basically surgical emergencies such as torsion (twisting of the ovary on it’s own blood supply), which is a wrenching pain that can double you over, cause nausea, then let go, only to repeat itself over an over. If this happens, you should act on it rapidly or you can lose one of your ovaries, because the blood supply to it is cut off.

How are follicular cysts treated?

The truth is that if you wait, almost all ovarian follicular cysts will just go away. Surgery is not needed in most cases, and most often your doctor will simply repeat the ultrasound in about 6 to 8 weeks. In the vast majority of cases, the cyst disappears on its own by silently leaking and rupturing.

My Comments: Great!!! After all that I have to wait again. 6 - 8 weeks somemore. perhaps all these waiting months after months have resulted in all those cysts in there.

(2) Corpus Luteum Cysts (CLC)

Another type of physiologic or functional cyst is known as a corpus luteum cyst (CLC). These are less frequent than a follicular cyst but can cause more problems and emergencies, especially internal bleeding. Why do you need to know the difference? Because your doctor is likely to throw names around that distinguish between these cysts and the specific dangers and treatment options. These cysts also produce different hormones that affect your body and hormone balance. If you don’t know the difference, you can be fooled into thinking something is safe when it is not or getting a surgery that you don’t need.

You can get some of these cysts during early pregnancy, which is perfectly normal. They usually go away by the second trimester. Some do not, and if they do not look suspicious on the ultrasound, it is safe to leave them alone. In most cases, they eventually go away after pregnancy.

How do you know if you have a CLC?

A missed period followed by some spotting, one-sided pelvic pain and a pelvic examination, which finds a tender ovarian mass, suggest that a persistent CLC is the culprit. It is important to make sure, however, that a pregnancy test is ordered, because these same findings may be there for an ectopic pregnancy (tubal pregnancy). An ultrasound may not be able to tell these two apart and the treatment would be completely different. There is another nonphysiologic cyst, which can cause similar symptoms, called an "endometrioma" that you need to be familiar with. That is treated in yet another way, often involving surgery, and is a whole separate topic.

When a CLC ruptures, the amount of bleeding and/or pain may cause this to be a surgical emergency. This is unusual, but there are medications and herbs you may be taking that could make it much worse. In particular, these include aspirin, non-steroidal anti-inflammatory drugs (e.g. ibuprofen), Vitamin E and ginko biloba. There are others, but basically stay away from anything that may "thin the blood" and cause easy bruising or bleeding. Review all the medications, herbals and supplements you are taking with your regular doctor and/or nutritionist or naturopathic doctor.

Unfortunately, one third of women (33%) who have a problem with bleeding from a CLC will have it happen again, possibly over and over. So knowing what to avoid can save more than one trip to the operating room or possibly even your life.

By the way, pelvic pain with or without ovarian cysts being present does not mean the pain is coming from a gynecologic organ. In other words, there are other things down there in your pelvis. You could have appendicitis or other bowel problems, which have nothing to do with your gynecologic organs.

If surgery is necessary because of bleeding, it is often possible to do it through a laparoscope (bandaid surgery). Usually the ovary does not have to be removed. Only the cyst is removed and bleeding stopped.

If the cyst is NOT ruptured, and there is no bleeding or torsion, it is reasonable to avoid surgery and “wait it out." Why? Because surgery, no matter how small, causes scars or adhesions to form. You want to avoid surgery if your doctor thinks it is safe based on all of the things you just read about.

(3) Theca Lutein Cysts

The least common type of physiologic or functional cysts are called "theca lutein cysts" (TLC). The key difference is that these are usually multiple, on both ovaries, and occur all at the same time. Each of these cysts can be 1cm to 10cm in size, so if there are multiple cysts, the ovaries can be massively enlarged: up to 20 to 30cm (about 10 inches or more) on both sides. How does this happen? The answer is simply hormonal overstimulation of the ovaries due to pregnancy.

Most often this occurs due to very high beta-hCG levels (a hormone of pregnancy) often seen with twins or abnormalities called "molar pregnancy," where the placenta develops but the fetus does not. This is a highly oversimplified explanation, but the point is that high levels of hCG stimulate the ovary. The reason for this overstimulation should be evaluated. Sometimes these cysts can even look like cancer to the untrained eye. Quite a scare, but usually you just need to ask the right questions and in most cases it is not cancer.

My Comments: Ask the right questions??? What if I don't know what questions to ask? Cant the Dr just explain to me what time of cysts I am having the moment they see these things? I believe I have the last type of cysts. I mean after going through IUI twice, the risk of over stimulation is possible right? I usually have a perfect 7 days cycle but since 2006, my cycle have dwindled to 4 - 5days. Of course I wasn't complaining then but now perhaps I should have brought it up to my then gynae. Hmmm...

My trip to the clinic...

This is going to be a long entry. An entry full of questions and perhaps graphic in nature. A little Too Much Information too... So if you are not up for a long whiny entry, please skip this one. Some basic information first. The text in black is my normal entry, italics is me thinking out loud and white are text/answers I got from Dr Google.

I consider yesterday to be my first major step towards this IVF journey. It was the day I meet up with my Medical Social Worker as well as my Saline Sonogram. How come no one told me that the sonogram can be one painful experience? It was nothing like the HCG. Okay let's do this one apointment at a time.

Appointment with Medical Social Worker (MSW) @ 2pm

We arrived a little early. Thus decide to have breakfast/lunch at Macdonald's. Arrived at the MSW office 5 minutes to 2pm. But she was not around. So we waited. Me getting anxious by the minute as I have another appointment at the Digital Imaging site. She came back at 2.30pm after being called by the receptionist. She is this very nice lady who is warm. She make us feel at ease. We spoke. She even told us about her IVF journey. The ups and downs that we should be thinking about and expecting. She said she like my positive nature and she hopes that my positive nature will give me a slightly higher chance of success. She also asked us to start thinking of our Risk Management Plan. She says at the end of this journey, there is a result - either +ve or -ve. So what happens if it is +ve? N what happens if it is -ve? If it is +ve and we have twins what are we gonna do? Well, me and hubby have talked and have discussed. So generally the session was a breeze. We ended the session with her wishing me good luck on this journey. She also said that she is a little greedy so she wished that I have 2. I like her and I believe I can relate to her as she knows how I feel and what I am going through. She left me her card with her number and email address on it. Thus I will be emailing her soon. To thank her for a wonderful afternoon. We spent about 45 minutes in her office. At 3.15pm, we made our way to the Digital Imaging office. N this were my horror starts. Well i am exaggerating a little here.

Saline Sonogram @ 3pm

I registered at the reception. The nurse fumbled with my registration. She wasn't sure of what she was clicking. That set us back by another 15 minutes. Well, never mind I wasn't really in any hurry. I wasn't really looking forward to this actually. But since my Dr requested for it, I went ahead with it. After registration, I made my went with the nurse and was told to change into a robe. After changing, signed some papers and was told to go for a scan. AGAIN!!! I just did last month. But never mind. So I was brought to the scanning area via the back way. Everyone else in the waiting area was in their normal clothes and I was in a robe. That was fun. N hubby isnt there with me. To cut the story short, I went in for scan. The person who did it was some Filipino lady and did she pressed on my lower abdomen. I cringe at every pics taken. I can feel her pressing on my pelvic bone. D*&m.

Then she asked me to clear my bladder which I did. Was brought to another room. The person there asked me to wait for the doctor to come. While waiting she looked at my scan and asked me to empty my bladder again as it was full. What??? I seriously don't feel like emptying my bladder anymore. But I tried. Came back. Dr was there. Spoke to the other nurse and said in a voice that is neither too soft nor too loud. BUt still it was loud enough for me to hear. "There is a lot of cysts in there?" Excuse me, define alot here? Give me a slight explanation pls. But no!!! she's gonna give my results to my Dr and my appointment with my dr is only in January. Hello!!!! How to wait so long? What if these cysts have been the reason why I have painful periods and why we have yet to conceive?

After looking through my scans, she started with my saline sonogram. The nurse said it was gonna be like my pap smear exam. But no!!! That was not be. First she raised the bed. Then the Dr said. I can't see. She might have retroverted uterus. WHAT???? Repeat that pls... Hmmm... She raised me higher and proceeded with putting in the speculum. Wow that was the longest pap smear exam I have. After the speculum was in, she washed my "inside" with saline solution. I can feel the crampy feeling. It was worse then my monthly period. N for this, i cant even move. Then she inflate the balloon so that when the inject the saline solution, it won't come out. That makes me feel worse. An inflated balloon down there. SHUCKS!!!!

She proceeded with the procedure. A few minutes later I was told it was over. The crampy feeling was horrible. As i got up the bed, I saw some bleeding on the bed. Went to change and waited a bit before was discharged by the nurse. After that i have so many questions in my head. Cysts, retoverted uterus... So many questions, so little answers. Should I email the Dr and get an answer? Or should I just proceed with my IVF journey? What if all the above will affect the outcome of my IVF journey? Hmmm....

WOW!!! This has been a very long entry. Perhaps I shall post Dr Googles answer in another entry. Time for me to get change and go to my mum's place again. Hubby is working night shift again. Till my next entry.

I am Back!!!

Ouch!!!!!!!!!!!! I am in pain. A little crampy, a little bleeding. Going to sleep over at my mum's place tonight. Hubby working night shift today. I will update again when I get back tomorrow morning. That is if I am up for it. Got lots of things to write. I am currently very concern about a few issues. But I shall go and rest first, check with Dr Google tomorrow and I will update. Hope the rest of you have had a good day. Yeah!!! The weekend is here.