Biggest worry has come true

Sorry for not writing for a while now. Been a little busy with assignments and finding a new job. Trying to find something totally different to do. More in the line of counselling which I majored in Uni. Been a month since I sent in my resumes but till now no call or reply. Getting a little worried. Once end of October comes, I will have no more assignments as students will be taking a break from school thus none will be going for tuition. No assignment means no income. So I have exactly 2 months to get myself an interview. I guess I need to be a little more aggressive in my job search.

But that is not my biggest worry. If you have been reading my site in the past month, my worry is what if my brother in law's wife who were married in end March 2009 will be pregnant first before me. N true enough, God do want to test us more specifically ME. Yesterday, I learnt from my mother in law that she is currently 18 weeks pregnant. She got pregnant immediately after the wedding. In fact she didnt even realise she was pregnant coz she was kind of bleeding/spotting throughout the four months. *SIGH*

SO yeah, that's my life story for now. 5 years into my wedding and I still have nothing to show for. N she is into her 5th month anniversary and she is 18 weeks pregnant. OUCH! What a stab in the heart. So I will once again go and lie in a corner and mourn my life AGAIN! Nothing much to report on the TTC front. This Friday - 4th of Sept is my 5th wedding anniversary and what an irony that will also be the day I am expecting AF to come. I am hoping and praying for a miracle but deep down inside I just don't feel it anymore. The closest I got to getting pregnant was my last failed IVF. So will see about the rest. About 1 month plus to my next fresh cycle. So looking forward to being injected again. Can you hear my sarcasm?

It has been exactly a month...

Since I failed my first IVF treatment and had AF knocking on my door. On this day one month ago, I was heartbroken. I was even asking myself whether I will be able to stand up once more and whether I will be able to do another cycle of this. The roller coaster emotional ride was too much for me to handle. But thanks to wonderful family and friends and online buddies, I managed to stand up again. N one month later here I am...

But "someone" is missing... Yup the dreaded visitor have not shown herself just yet. I said just yet is because, I have read from others experience that for those who failed their IVF usually the following month, AF will come late. I hope it doesnt come too late. I have a plan to follow in October. N I am very proud of myself that I never once was tempted to test. I am done seeing a NOT PREGNANT on the test kit. I am just gonna wait it out. Currently feeling very light headed. Gonna go lie down. I shall leave all of you with some pictures from my recent vacation.

Update from the Dr

Just to let you all know. Met my gynae, Dr Sadhana today. Appointment was at 11.55am. Arrived at 11am, had breakfast with mum and hubby first at the food court and guess who came to say hi... My onine forum friend, SIERRA79. I was so happy to see her. First and foremost, I didnt even realise it was her. I was chatting away with mum and hubby, laughing away as usual. Then came this small petite lady at my side and said hi. She is damn small in person ok. Dear, I am so happy to see you today. I believe, this friendship will be strengthen just by the fact of what we went through in the last 2 months.

Back to my appointment. Dr Sadhana was so nice okay. She was empathising with me. In fact she said, she was hoping I would get a positive result. In addition she also doesnt know why it doesnt work coz my embryo was looking very gd. She was sad for me. I told her if she was sad, I was even sadder. N she held my hand. I was amazed that I didnt cry today. I guess I had cried enough the week it failed. I am ready now to stand up again. I told her how much I have cried for 3 straight days when it failed. She said she was really sorry. Everything was textbook perfect. I guess my womb wasn't. Or it just wasn't my time. Let me say, I am really impressed with Dr Sadhana's human's touch. I know how busy the clinic can be yet she took time to be in my shoes and to understand my inner feelings.

At first she wanted to increase my dosage to 350iu in the next round but then, she said increasing the dosage will not increase the number of eggs. It will just cause the eggs to grow at a faster rate. So she changed at the last minute. Dr Sadhana suggested I try the short protocol in October. The short protocol means less injections and at the same time it is supposed to grow more eggs for me. As for my womb, she said during my laprascopy there wasn't any scar tissue so that shouldn't have prevented implantation. My womb lining at 10mm was just nice too. Currently I am feeling very positive with the traditional medication I am taking. My body somehow feels lighter just after 2 weeks of taking it. Hopefully the month of Ramadhan will bear me fruits. If not... a short protocol is waiting for me after Hari Raya.

I hope in this 3 months my womb will be more healthy, lining will be thicker to prepare for implantation and right at the back of my mind, perhaps "strike" naturally.

By the way for those who are not sure what a Short Protocol is. In October when my period come (tentatively 24th October), I will have to give KKIVF a call. Then on Day 2 I will have to go down and do a scan to determine that there is no cysts etc. After which I will be starting my Puregon. Once my follicles reach more than 13mm, I will be given injection to surpressed ovulation. N the rest is the same as the Long cycle.

After counting, I realised, my Day 2 could possibly fall on a Sunday. What happens then? Zaza if you are reading this pls help me clear this doubt. Oh well!!!, I guess I will get to it when the time comes. For now, I am not going to think about ovulation, fertile period etc. We are just gonna go with the flow. In fact it was only today when I was counting for my October cycle that I realise my ovulation date had come and gone. In fact today is Day 16. Time seems to fly by faster when you are not counting to a Blood Test or something. The short protocol would means lesser injection and shorter period to ER/ET. I am really praying, praying very hard... Nature will happen and I don't have to go through this emotional roller coaster ride again.

Still in the blogsphere...

Hi ladies, thank you very much for your support. For all the messages you have left me. The last entry when I said time to say gdbye. Pls don't get me wrong. I am not saying gdbye to the blogsphere. I am just saying gdbye to my 2embryos. The last 2 weeks have seen me at my highest and lowest points.

Today I went in for another blood test to just confirm what I have already know. My HCG has dropped to less than 10. So yes...I guess it was a chemical. I have been asked by Nurse Angeline to bring forward my appointment with Dr Sadhana. I managed to get squeeze on the 14th of July. Nurse Angeline was very nice when she told me the results. She was trying to lay it as softly as she can. Well, I already expected it. I wasn't even thinking of any miracles. I was asking her how soon can I start. SHe asked whether I have any frozen embryo. I said NOPE. N she said since that's the case, I will have to start from scratch. The queue now is already till October...

So yup, I have booked my next fresh cycle to be in October/November. See I have picked myself up. I just need a few alone moments to cry my hearts out. Once I don't have any more tears to shed, I will be okay. My heart still hurts. But thanks to prayers from family and friends I am coping much much better.

So just now after my blood test, parents drove us to JB. We went there to purchase some traditional medication to detoxify my body. It's a set of 4 products. One is to detox the body of any toxins, one is to be taken to strengthen the womb, the next is to improve the hormones in our body and I can't remember what the last one is for. There's medication for hubby too, to supposedly improve his quality of sperms... See... this is what you get when you have a mother who does massage. I am not complaining ok. In fact I am very very glad my mum is knowledgeable in this area. So that is my plan for now.... Remove toxins and all medications that has been injected in my body and try naturally. Who knows.... Meet Dr Sadhana on the 14th to discuss procedure, see where improvement can be made etc.

That's all from me for now. Ladies from the forum, I will drop by the chat with all of you once in a while but I won't be there as much coz since I am not undergoing the treatment there is really not much I can share. N at the moment, I do not wish to be a downer to the rest of the ladies who are in their 2WW. So pls don't think I have turn my back on you guys... I am still here...

Time to say goodbye...

As I had predicted... As I had have an instinct about...

When the pimples start popping, when the lower abdomen starts cramping, when the lower back starts aching and when I started having brown spotting... I should have known... N true enough today, AF came knocking with a vengence. Fierce and heavy.

I had cried enough in the last 2 days. There are no more tears for me to cry. Went in for an early blood test today. Results was out quick too... The nurse was very nice about it... She said that HCG is in the 84. Huh? How could that be possible? Her answer is it was a chemical pregnancy. She said coz I don't have any frozen embryo, I can't do FET so I need to rest my body for at least 3 months before doing my next fresh cycle. I told her that I would have taken a break too if I don't have too. I am not ready for another emotional heart break. The physical pain I could take but the heart break. It is just too painful for me.

SO what is my next plan? I am taking a break from treatment for this 3 months. I am gonna rest my body from all the medications. I am gonna try naturally during this 3 months. Maybe just maybe, since we can have perfect embryo in the lab, we can perfect embryo made in my womb too... N hopefully by then, my womb lining is strong enough to hold a real pregnancy. I know I am thinking of a miracles but miracles do happen. N for now I am praying for a miracle.

My whole family together with bro and fiance are planning a family getaway at the end of the month. That would be great right? Yes, I need time away. This will be my last entry for now... I will be back soon when I have something to write. For now, I am just gonna recuperate. Heal my broken hearts. To all my lovely internet friends, thanks for your wonderful support but this is just isn't my time. I love you all no matter where you are...

Why does it still hurt?

2 more days till my BT. SOmehow I have a feeling AF is coming before my BT. I don't know. Just a gut feeling. I have prepared myself for the worst yet why does it still hurt so much? I guess there is always a first time for everything. Ahhhh... Well I guess I have sigh enough in the last 2 days to last me a lifetime... Will update you guys as and when there is something to update. For now, I am going to just lie down on the sofa and just mourn my life a little bit more...

A good cry was all it takes

At 13dp3dt / 16dpo, I have no more sore boobs, no crampy feelings. The crampy feelings have been gone for a while now. I had a good cry yesterday when hubby came back from work. The moment he came back, he came straight to me and gave me a kiss on my forehead and I started tearing. When he asked me what is wrong, I just couldn't say it. But somehow a while later I did tell him. I told him how useless I felt for not being able to bear him any children and now more than ever coz I am not even working. He asked me how did I know this didn't work, could I see what is going inside? Of course I said NO, but how could he understand my inner feelings. Somehow I just have the feeling. You know the feeling where you just knew.

This morning we woke up in each other's arm. Somehow being in his arms make me feel safe yet at the same time it makes me more emotional and vulnerable. The tears just flowed. As he said, I have never failed in any exams before and this to me felt like a failure. He reminded me, school exams are different. I have a way of controlling the outcome by studying but this IVF journey, we can try our very best, do the best we can but at the end of the day, the results is determined by the one above. It makes sense but somehow it just makes me feel more sad. I asked him, what if it is just gonna be the two of us till our old age. He didn't have an answer for it. He just told me, let him do the worrying. I had a good cry and somehow he managed to kiss those tears away.

Am I ready to let this go? Not yet. Till I see the dreaded visitor or till the nurse told me the negative outcome, I am not letting this go just yet. I am just coming to terms with the possibility that this wasn't my time. Did a test this morning. Saw a faint line. The faint line is definitely visible as I do not have to tilt it to the light or squint my eyes to see it. Just that it is way lighter than the first line and the digital one told me straight in my face "Not Pregnant". There is two possibility. One is that the faint line is caused by the remainder of my Pregnyl jab or perhaps I could possibly be pregnant just that the HCG in my body is too low to be detected. I am not putting my money in the 2nd possibility. Hubby didnt even want me to put the pic of the test up coz he doesnt want to be sad everytime I see it. He said let's just wait till Wednesday or whenever the dreaded visitor decide to to stop by.

How am I feeling now? Okay I guess. What matters most is that I have my husband who loves me very much and of course my family who is willing to sacrifice everything for me. I love them and they love me too...

Just for the record, symptoms for the day:

(1) BBT still high at 37.00 degrees celsius.
(2) Woke up with a headache but it was probably bcoz of the crying
(3) Greenie lines on boobs still visible.
(4) Nips still painful to the touch but the whole boobs not sore anymore.

So that's it for now. Gonna go and get ready for my weekend. With the test out of the way, I can now just enjoy my weekend without worrying too much. If it meant to be, it will be. If not I guess I will just stand up once more and try again. But that will not be anytime soon. I need to make sure I am mentally and emotionally ready this time for any outcome.

Hope for the best, prepared for the worst.

At 12dp3dt / 15dpo, I am strating to lose all signs of early pregnancy. Am I losing that glimmer of hope? Maybe. I just had an outburst after talking to hubby on the phone. Didnt even mention anything about the upcoming results. We just chatted and talked about why he hadn't called the whole day. I wasn't upset with him or anything. I don't know. It is just that just before we hang up, I just felt so sad. LIke I have not done enough for him. LIke I am not good enough. Like he deserves better.

You know how much he had to sacrifice to allow me to be a Stay AT Home Wife and if this fails, what's next? What do I have to look forward to? Am I ready for it to fail? NO. But have I prepared for the worst? Probably. Will I be upset if the results is not in my favour? Definitely. Will I be able to stand back up? I am not sure.

Sorry people... I am feeling really down today. I am just not feeling it anymore. Call it "Mother's Instinct" but I just don't feel it.

11dp3dt / 14dpo

Wow it has been a while since I came here to write. I have been reading and commenting but when it come to writing to my own post I am not sure what to write. It has been waiting/analysing and more waiting and more analysing. The last few days have been okay I guess. The tuition assignment I am having is keeping me sane. Whenever I teach, time seems to pass faster. If not, I will have barely much to do. I will just rest on the sofa and watch tv. When I lie down on the sofa, I tend to fall asleep. That's the "symptom" I have been having. LETHARGY. I have been super tired. I need to put my head on the pillow for less than 5 minutes and I will be fast asleep. This is me not working. Can you imagine if I was working full time? I really salute those of you who are going through this treatment and still working at the same time.

By the way, I had taken my last Pregnyl Jab on Wednesday. According to the nurse at my clinic I can test about 4 days after my last jab and the results will be fairly accurate. That is what I have been thinking about. Should I test or not? Half of me wants to badly find out... but there is another half that is really nervous, scared and reluctant. N what ifs start to creep back in my mind. I would like to believe whatever I am currently feeling/seeing is because I am Pregnant. But why at this current moment I dont feel pregnant. I want to be pregnant. SOmehow I am positive that this has worked and I am pregnant but...

Well I guess I just have to wait till Wednesday, that's when I am having my blood test (16dp3dt). I have to HPT in my drawer which I had secretly purchased without hubby's knowledge. I have 2 tuition assignments tomorrow, and Sunday I will be attending 2 wedding invites, then my In Laws are taking us out for a dinner treat. Yeah!!!. Hope time will fly by then. Usually the weekends will pass a little slower but hopefully with the things happening this weekend it be a weekday before I know it.

To my friend, Juliah, Thanks for being there to ease my worries. You have been a great friend. N thank you for keeping me in your prayers and wishing for my success. I am also praying for a positive outcome. May your brother heal well from his surgery. Will keep u updated via sms okay if I decide to do any HPT before BT. Hopefully AF doesnt decide to come before my BT. I am just hoping AF who has never been late in my entire life will decide not to come for the the next 10 months.

Symptoms:

(1) Still slightly sore boobs
(2) Very sensitive and painful nipples
(3) Greenie veins running across my boobs
(4) On and off cramping ( once or twice in a day) - Hope that is bcoz of my babies growing in there.
(5) LETHARGY. Ridiculously tired. Napping of at 2 - 3 hours in the afternoon. - Like now I am already yawning away when I had just woken up from a 4 hours nap in the evening.
(6) Consistently high temperature in the last few days ( bet 36.82 - 37.22). Hope that's a good sign.

That's all from me for now. Next entry will probably be on Monday when I have decided to do a HPT. If not it will be on Wednesday... Till then, pls keep me in your prayers so that I continue to remain sane in this very trying times.

Leaving it all up to Him now.

I have been reading/googling quite a bit due to my free time. Free time is not good especially not during 2WW. I have been reading quite a bit on early pregnancy symptoms but being on Pregnyl jabs, these signs and symptoms cannot be taken as real signs till at least 4 days after my last jab.

Today should be the first day of implantation. I have been feeling on and off crampings alternately from left to right. I would like to believe they are implantation bleeding. This time I knew I have embryos in me that can be potential children of mine unline all the past months/years when I wasnt even sure. The only thing that I am not sure of is whether the embryos have implanted themselves. I would like to believe so. I have done most of the dos and don'ts. N some thing I read today also make me fee very relieve and believe whatever is meant to happen will happen. It now depends to the ONE above... The drs have done their best, the nurses have done their best, so have I and hubby. Now whether it is gonna bear us a positive results or otherwise belongs to Him alone. With God's willing, I will get what I have been dreaming of... Let me copy for all of you part of the article I have read:

It's safe to travel 2-3 days after the transfer.

If you are unsure whether or not to do something, take the "path of least regret". Ask yourself - if I don't get pregnant, will I blame myself for doing this ? And if the answer is yes, don't do it ! - good point.

You may have some vaginal spotting or bleeding prior to your blood test. However, you must have the blood test done, even if you think your period has started. There are no symptoms or signs which will be able to tell you whether or not you are pregnant.

Many doctors used to advise "strict bed rest" after an embryo transfer. However, remember that your physical activity does not affect your chances of getting pregnant. Resting when you are well can be very emotionally taxing, and we encourage patients to lead as normal a life as possible. Many patients are worried that if they cough or sneeze , the embryo will "fall out". However, remember that this is physically impossible, and that if the embryo is going to implant, it will, no matter how much you exert physically. Remember that God has designed the human body with enough sense, that coughing and sneezing will not cause the embryos to "fall out". The uterine cavity is a "potential space", and once the embryos are placed here, they appose to the uterine wall and are not affect by gravitational forces. I remind patients that it's fine for them to do whatever normal couples would do after having sex - after all, how does it matter to the embryo that it arrives in the uterine cavity in the normal course of events, after the couple had sex, or after spending 2 days in the IVF laboratory and then being transferred into the cavity with a catheter ?

All those points in bold truly makes sense to me. I guess you just need someone to point it out to you before you actually believe it for yourself. ANyway I got this article from here http://www.drmalpani.com/book/chapter25c.html. Go ahead and read it if you want and take it with a pinch of salt ok...

Time for me to go and rest now... The crampings are coming on and of. Feeling a little tired too. Another progesterone injections tomorrow. Expecting the symptoms to be intensified due to the injections. Cant wait for last injection on Wednesday... Then whatever symptoms I fee will truly be from my pregnancy...

5dp3dt / I am driving myself crazy

5dp3dt / 8dpo. All these "fake" symptoms due to the medication (Pregnyl jabs) and all these waiting is truly driving me crazy. Not only have I been analysing all the little twitches and twinges, I am starting to analyse every word used by the nurses too... Hahaha... Pls pass by more quickly... Wake me up when July comes... I know, I know. The last time I wrote I said wake me up when June comes now I would like to change my mind...

The last 3 days was gd coz sis was accompanying me and she managed to make time pass faster somehow. Now that she is not around, I am a little more lonely. 5 days down, 11 more day to the blood test.

The symptoms I have been having since the day of my ET is here on and off basis. My lower abdominal cramp kinds of disappears today (or so I thought). As I was eating lunch and drinking, suddenly I had a sudden cramping in my lower abdomen. I had to stand and walk it off a bit before it went away. Since today is day 5 past ET, I would like to believe it is the first day, both my embryos have found a suitable place in the uterus and starting to implant themselves. See... I am thinking positively and visualizing a positive outcome. Hope it will bears me a positive outcome. Pls Pls Pls...

SYmptoms for today:
Boobs is still slightly sore to the touch, very very very tired, pins and needles in my legs, funny feeling in my mouth when I ate my favourite fried chicken yesterday and slight lower abdominal cramping that is on and off...

2dp3dt / Blastocyst

2dp3dt or 5dpo. According to my previous entry, my embryo is now a blastocyst. Tomorrow they should be hatching out of their shell and starting the implantation process. However today, when I went to the toilet and wipe, I notice pink spottings. Is that blood coz my uterus was iritated from the ET or was that implantation bleeding but isnt 2dp3dt too early for implantation? Well I am just praying for the best.

Today the whole day I did not feel any cramping feeling till in the cab when I started to quietly whisper to my embryos, " Pls show me a sign u are still in there doing what you are supposed to be doing." I know I sound crazy and I know it is too early for the embryos to understand me but seriously after spoke to it, I started to feel a little tingling pull/feeling in my lower abdomen. I would like to believe that that was a sign for me. At this moment, I take any sign I can get. I know I am making myself crazy from looking for symptoms but since this is my first time doing the IVF procedure and this is the closest I have been to getting myself pregnant, I am a little nervous, a little excited and lots of worry.

I have been talking it easy the last few days. Today a friend from JC came with her kid and looking at her baby, I just forgot about not supposed to carry heavy stuff. I was sitting on the chair and just hold the baby for less than 5 minutes. I hope that will not have any effect. Seriously the baby is really really cute. Look like a japanese baby. Well I am praying for one or perhaps two of my own. I am just praying everything goes well for me.

This 2WW is starting to get to me. I am just hoping time will past faster or at least I get to know the future. Both of which I know wont happen. Anyway, having my sister over is a really a blessing. We have so much time talking - that is when I am not sleeping/resting.

Symptoms for today:
(1) Boobs still sore. Nips are painful and very sensitive to the touch.
(2) Lethargy is ridiculous. I slept while waiting for my sister to arrive. Slept while waiting for both of my tuition kids to arrive. Was out for less than 2 hours and I was begging to go back. Slept again.
(3) Pinkish spotting when I wipe on the tissue.
(4) Lower abdominal cramping - just a little compare to yesterday.

So that is it for now. I will update again soon. I have a little plan for tomorrow with sis and hubby. Nothing much. Just going out for a walk to get some fresh air and to get some blood circulation.

1dp3dt / Green with Envy

I have always wanted to be able to write that down. Now I can. I was talking to hubby today after more than 24 hours of bed rest about how my butt is cramping from all that rest. Other than going to get my food and to the toilet, I have been sitting and lying down on the sofa with the tv as my companion.

I was telling hubby how I am green with envy with people who can go through pregnancy the normal way. I mean.. seriously after making love during their ovulation period, next day onwards, do you see them being careful etc? They go about their normal activity. SOme that got pregnant during their honeymoon even went hiking, mountain climbing, skiing etc yet at the end of the month, they find that they are pregnant. So why is there a difference for us who went through fertility treatment?

Hubby told me that I could always go about all the normal activity but... will I ever regret any of my actions at the end of this whole journey after spending all that money as well as going through all the pain emotionally and physically? Hearing that I decide of course I want to make sure I do my very best to ensure a healthy pregnancy and deliver a healthy baby at the end of the whole journey.

As usual when I do not have anything to watch on TV, I was seeking advice from Dr Google. N I found the following information base on a 3 day transfer:

1dpt ..embryo is growing and developing into a morula
2dpt... Embryo is now a blastocyst
3dpt....Blastocyst hatches out of shell on this day
4dpt.. Blastocyst attaches to a site on the uterine lining
5dpt.. Implantation begins,as the blastocyst begins to bury in the lining
6dpt.. Implantation process continues and morula buries deeper in the lining
7dpt.. Morula is completely inmplanted in the lining and has placenta cells & fetal cells
8dpt...Placenta cells begin to secret HCG in the blood
9dpt...More HCG is produced as fetus develops
10dpt...More HCG is produced as fetus develops
11dpt...HCG levels are now high enough to be immediately detected on HPT

Base on the information above, my 8 cells embryo would have continued to grow into a morula. Insya Allah (God's willing).

Symptoms (this is just for my own documentation):
(1) lower abdominal cramping on my left hand side
(2) constant need to pee (much higher frequency than usual)
(3) higher body temperature
(4) lethargy - just need to put my head on a pillow and less than 5 minutes I will be in dreamland)

ET went well

Today was the day I have been so worried about thus far. I was so worried that I could not sleep the night before. Ny thought was just one - did my eggs managed to be fertilised.

I got ready at 0515, bathe, prayed and at 0630, I went out to fetch hubby. Throughout the journey my heart was pumping very hard. Not to forget that my bladder is also full. We reached the clinic bright an early at 0715 when the clinic is not even open. Since I cant have breakfast we just waited in front of the clinic. When we entered the clinic at 0730, there were already many people. MAny like us should be going in for a transfer too. Met with the nurse at 0830, she said our transfer could be in half an hours time. SO we waited and waited and waited. We only went on at 0945. Till this point we still do not know how our embryo is doing and whether we do have any to be transferred.

At 0945 our name was called in and I was asked to change and my legs were put on the a stirrup and we waited for the doctor. She greated us with her smile and she went in to checked on our embryo. Then she came in. I was waiting for the worse/inevitable. I had prepared myself. LIke hubby said...All we need is one. "One is a miracle, two is a bonus."

We waited and she said....., "Your embryo is looking very good. They are of very good quality, Grade 4. You have a very high chance. Now go back and rest" Looking at the picture given, one of the embryo is looking perfect with its uniform 8 cell, the other one is a little cluttered, cells a bit difficult to distinct. BUt I am not gonna worry too much now. I am gonna do my very best hoping that both of them will continue to grow healthily.

Hearing that me and hubby held each others hands and we were looking forward to the possibility. BUt I am keeping my excitement at a minimum level. Until I get to bring home my healthy baby/babies, I will never stop worrying. For now I am just basking in this new found knowledge that I have brought my embryos home. Hope they will find a comfortable place and snuggle in tightly for the next 9 months.

The not so good news though I dont have any for freezing. This is it. But I am positively confident about my chances. The little thing called "Hope" is sneaking its way back into my life.

I am currently given Pregnyl jabs. I have to take 4 dosage of that every 3 days. This Saturday I will be doing a blood test to check my progesterone level whether it is sufficient or not. Then next blood/pregnancy test will be on the 1st of July. I have come so far and I am a few more steps to realising my dream. After that step, I will have many more steps to go...

Till then I would like to believe I am PUPO. For those who are not familiar with the term it means... I would consider myself Pregnant Until Proven Otherwise.

Expect the next few entries from me to be my documentation of the symptoms I am having coz this is the closest I have been to being pregnant.

What happens to my eggs if/after they are fertilized?

Well, when I am not preparing for my tuition or spending time with hubby and family members, I am fretting over the little of things. Today is 1 day after Retrieval and since I came back from my in laws place (actually after I had taken my very long nap), I was asking Dr Google many many questions. He has been helpful with the answers. However, with his answers I have more questions. This is truly getting ridiculous. I must get my life back. I can't let what is not beyond my control, control my life. I am sure Allah has His plans. If it is our time to be parents, Insya Allah (God's Willing) we will have a fruitful Monday and a successful transfer. This will be my last post till Monday. No more fretting and no more googling.

So what happens to my eggs if/after they are fertilized?


Approximately 6 hours after egg retrieval, fertilization is accomplished by placing a small concentration of sperm onto each egg, or by ICSI (where a single sperm is injected into an egg.)

Approximately 18 hours after retrieval (the day after egg retrieval) we will evaluate fertilization of the eggs. Normally, fertilized eggs will have two pronuclei.

Zygotes are fertilized eggs. It has two pronuclei. One pronucleus is a packet containing half of the mother’s DNA. The other pronucleus contains half of the father’s DNA. This genetic material will unite to form the full complement of genetic material that will make an embryo. If fertilization takes place ( I am praying and hoping it does), this is where my eggs are currently at now. A ZYGOTE!!! The closest I have been to being pregnant.

The embryos are cultured (or grown) in incubators with an environment designed to mimic the human fallopian tube. A careful balance of carbon dioxide, oxygen, and nutrients are maintained at the correct pH (acid content) to promote embryo growth.

Only normally fertilized eggs are kept in culture. Not all embryos will grow in culture. Some of them will be genetically abnormal. Others cease to grow for unknown reasons. Embryos destined to result in pregnancy will progress through several well defined stages including zygote, cleavage and blastocyst stages.

Cleavage stage embryos are those which are dividing into progressively smaller cells. Two days after fertilization, normal embryos are between 2 and 6 cells. Three days after fertilization, most normal embryos are between 7 and 9 cells.

On the second, third and fifth day after retrieval, the embryologist will evaluate the embryos and grade them. Day 2 and 3 embryos are evaluated on a 1-5 scale, with 1 being the highest grade. Embryos which lag behind in development, those with fragmentation, or those with other abnormalities are given lower grades. A low grade doesn’t necessarily mean the embryo is genetically abnormal. Normal pregnancies may result from low grade embryos; however, embryos with higher grades more frequently result in pregnancy.

Grade 1-2 embryos have a 20-35% implantation rate, depending on the age of the woman. Shall leave a picture of the various stages of the embryo. I am praying and hoping things are going well in the lab.

"Ya Allah pls listen to my prayers and answer them. Pls keep my embryos safe. Pls ensure that they keep growing healthily. Pls let my dreams come true."

Egg Retrieval

Today for the first time since we started TTC, I had my egg retrieval. I was so nervous that I couldn't have a good night sleep. Was tossing and turning in bed last night. Just as I was about to fall into a deep sleep, my alarm sounded at 0515. I need to iron my clothes and bathe waking hubby up. After I was ready, woke hubby up. He too was nervous about having to produce a semen sample that the quantity wasnt really much. Well with IVF/ICSI all we need is one good egg and one good sperm to produce a viable embryo. That is all I am praying for right now. I am not asking for much.

Mum picked us up at 0645 and we headed for the hospital. I was kind of nervous coz the 90 minutes window was almost up and they still do not want to collect the sperm sample. Well I guess they know what they are doing. Not only that, I took my Pregnyl injection at 2030 on Wednesday night so 36 hours later would mean 0830 this morning but due to some delay in the first case, I had my ER at about 0900. Hope that doesnt affect the quality of my eggs.

Anyway, the anasthesist was really very nice. He talked me through about the procedure and what to expect. How he was gonna make me comfortable. I was nervous coz I was not sure what level of pain was I am going to to expect. ANyway, I didnt feel a thing during the procedure. I might have even fallen asleep. Hahaha... Half an hour later the nurse pushed me to the recovery lounge. My heart rate and blood pressure was monitored evert 15 minutes for 3 hours. After which I was given a cup of hot milo and was told I can go home once hubby is here to fetch me.

I asked the nurse and was tol only 8 follicles was retrieved. Although doing the procedure for the first time, I still know that that isnt a good number. But I am just praying for the best. I am not gonna ask for much. Just one will do. BUt two would be good too. :)

Before I left I asked thenurse whether they will call me whether fertilization have taken placed and they said... NO!!! What ??? YOu mean I have to wait till Monday to find out? Gosh there goes my weekend. I will fretting ove rthe fact whether my eggs have been fertilised. Time pls pass faster. Let see... tomorrow I am gonna be going to my in laws place, then will be home alone as hubby is on night shift. SUnday, I will have a date with hubby. Perhaps might catch a movie. Hope Monday will come sooner. I just want to know how my eggs/embryo are doing.

JUst wondering though, how come here in Singapore they never tell us whether the eggs are fertilised and we have to come personally on Monday to find out myself where else in US, the nurse will call the following day to inform the progress. I guess the nurses here are very busy. GOSH!!!!

OKay, time for me to stop worrying and go to sleep. Time for me to leave everything in Allah's hands. We have tried, now the rest is up to Him.

Am I ready?

Had my early dinner. Now just resting and watching tv while waiting for hubby to come back. I have been having this weird taste in my mouth since I started on the antibiotics given by dr. YUCKS!!! Yesterday after dinner, I threw up. I hope this time around the food will stay down. Last food and drink will be at 10.30 tonight in preparation for my ER. I still feel like throwing up now. My favourite drink taste funny too.

Talking about ER... Am I ready to face the unknown? To find out whether it has always been me who has contributed to us not being able to conceive. To find out that I don't have enough quality eggs to be fertilised? Well... I am okay. Don't worry. I am just stressing over minute issues. Time to just rest and leave the rest to Allah. I have tried, I have prayed. The rest is up to Him to decide. If He feels that I am ready, I am sure He will give us what we had dreamed of for a very long time.

Will I be disappointed if I do not get the results I am hoping for? Sure. But why worry now. I will think about it when I reach at that particular stage.

I will be going back to my mum's place after my ER tomorrow coz hubby will be on afternoon shift and there is no one at home to look after me. So I will be resting at my mum's place. So friends who are waiting for an update from me have to wait till later at night when I get back okay...

Juliah I will sms you once I get out of my drowsiness... Pls pray for me okay friend... Hope to have good news to share with you.

By the way, did I mention my "twins" are in pain. They are super sensitive to the touch. N the tips are damn hard and sore. I know this is just the side effect from the Trigger shot and more is in store for me. I am ready to face anything at this juncture but pls bear with all my random ramblings. Just a way for me to express myself so that I don't blast at my hubby for no apparent reason.

2nd Follicles Scan

Today was my 2nd follicles scan. There are some good and some not so good news. Let us start off with the good news first. I have 2 additional follicles. 15 so far but 8 are still too small and the dr dont think that they will catch up so they are concentrating on the 7 (well better than nothing right).

Left - 19, 17.5, 16
Right - 15, 14, 13, 10.5

Now back to the not so good news. Dr also feel that my cyst seem to have come back. The cyst measures 2.5 x 3.7. Definitely much smaller than the one I had previously and only one compared to 3 the last time. BUT to me a cyst is still a cyst. The cyst has caused me much pain in the past. Recently during my stimulation stage I start having the backache I used to have before I had my surgery. So I guess that answers my question on why I am having my backache again.

So yup, I have been given another box of Puregon and will be going back to the clinic on Wednesday for my third follicle scan. Dr said tentatively ER will be on Friday. It all depends on what happen in the next 2 days. Pls follicles grow a little bit more for mummy...

If ER is on Friday that means I will have my Pregnyl Injection on Wednesday night. Any advice? I heard the injection kind of stings very badly. You know me... I hate needles. Currently my tummy looks like a map of god knows what... Bruises, green and black.

Okay people that is my update for now. Currently very tired and sleepy. Shall go and nap first. Nadia, I will answer your email once I wake up okay... Now a little groggy from the lack of sleep.

A month into the process

I know many ladies out there are almost an expert in the IVF procedure. They have gone through many rounds of treatment unlike me. It will be 4 more days before I reach 28 days since I started IVF. 28 days = 1 month. This is nothing compared to the 5 years I have let it passed without any BFP. Yup no BFP. Not even once. I have never known how it feels like to be pregnant. I have never known how it is like to feel the symptoms. I will not promise that I won't complain once the symptoms comes but I will definitely embrace all of the good and the bad that comes with a pregnancy.

I have been lucky coz I have a great support system who has selflessly share their procedure and process with me so that I could roughly gauge what to expect. I am also lucky I have great online friends who I can cry on if I was faced with many mroe hurdles. They are always ready with a virtual hug and words of encouragement and advice which I truly appreciate. Some of them are becoming more of a friend to me than any of my real friends are. Reason - I am sharing the most intimate details of my life with you, my online friends rather than my real friends. How do I tell a fertile friend what I am going through. How to explain the reason I am not with kids yet is not because I love my life of a twosome?

Believe me I have tried explaining. Instead of getting a hug or a pat on the shoulder (which is usually what I need) I will get some smart a$#@ advice - why don't u just relax?, maybe if try a variety of positions (like we haven't), why do you want kids, I would do anything to exchange places with you (wait till you are really in my position and see what you have to say). Some people have the nerves...

Anyway, like many of my counterparts in this journey, I have a plan in hand. I have an idea on how many times I am gonna try. This process despite help from government can be very expensive. Not only that, it can also affect your relationship with hubby. It is a roller coaster ride of emotions. Sometimes you are up, sometimes you are at your lowest low.

Let me share anothe secrets with you my friend. I have been to a psychiatrist to help me deal with my depression. Yes, I HAVE BEEN DEPRESSED!!! I had problems sleeping, crying out of the blue for no apparent reason, getting angry at hubby most of the time (blaming will never solve the issues at hand). DId it affect my marriage? Thank God NO!!!. Like many of you, I am blessed to be married to the most understanding guy I can ever asked for. He was supportive. There was a time when he got angry but NEVER at me. It was at himself. For not being able to give me what I want most in life. At that point of time, I realised I need help. I have to help myself before I self destruct. SO I dragged my feet to Buangkok Green and set an appointment with a psychiatrist. He helped me overcome all my underlying issues, gave me medication to help me with my lack of sleep and depression. N 6 months later here I am... a more cheerful and positive person inside and out. I have been discharged from the psychiatrist clinic since then.

I believe that was one of my better decisions in life. To seek help for myself. To say that I am an expert in this process, I am far from it but if there are any of you out there who requires information or a shoulder to cry on, believe me when I say I am here for you. If I can't answer your questions, I will pass it on to my lovely online 'sisters' and I am sure there will be someone who can give you the information you need.

I will be going for another follies check tomorrow. Let's hope the follies have grown significantly from the last scan. I have been good in taking my chicken essence and folic acid. I will update everyone once I get back.

Follies Checked

Today hubby and I was due for a dr's appointment at 0800. However, due to a late night, watching Federar came back from behind to win his semi finals match, we missed our alarm clock and was almost late for our appointment. Today was the day I was supposed to get my follies checked. Checked I did.

The dr said there was about 13 eggs. However only 5 are of measurable size - 18, 15, 13, 12 and 8. The other 8 are too small for them to measure for now. I was hoping I will have more eggs that I can use and freeze for future use. Dr did mention that usually people will either decide to abort the cycle or still continue. After much discussion, hubby and me decided that we are just gonna continue and try and leave the rest to fate. I have been asked to continue with 200 units of Puregon for 2 more days. I will come in again on Monday to check on the follicles size and decide when the egg pick up will be.

I am a little sad with the outcome of the egg size. I was hoping for better results. Dr said that I could be a poor responder to the medication. If I am a poor responder why didnt they increase my dosage. Well I guess they know what they are doing.

Well that is my update for now. By the way today, I was given a different kind of Puregon. The injection doesnt use the normal pen. It uses the normal syringe. N the medicine kinds of stings a little more than usual... Like a wound area getting chillied. Well I just hope my eggs will keep growing and growing. Will update again when I feel like up to it.