At 13dp3dt / 16dpo, I have no more sore boobs, no crampy feelings. The crampy feelings have been gone for a while now. I had a good cry yesterday when hubby came back from work. The moment he came back, he came straight to me and gave me a kiss on my forehead and I started tearing. When he asked me what is wrong, I just couldn't say it. But somehow a while later I did tell him. I told him how useless I felt for not being able to bear him any children and now more than ever coz I am not even working. He asked me how did I know this didn't work, could I see what is going inside? Of course I said NO, but how could he understand my inner feelings. Somehow I just have the feeling. You know the feeling where you just knew.
This morning we woke up in each other's arm. Somehow being in his arms make me feel safe yet at the same time it makes me more emotional and vulnerable. The tears just flowed. As he said, I have never failed in any exams before and this to me felt like a failure. He reminded me, school exams are different. I have a way of controlling the outcome by studying but this IVF journey, we can try our very best, do the best we can but at the end of the day, the results is determined by the one above. It makes sense but somehow it just makes me feel more sad. I asked him, what if it is just gonna be the two of us till our old age. He didn't have an answer for it. He just told me, let him do the worrying. I had a good cry and somehow he managed to kiss those tears away.
Am I ready to let this go? Not yet. Till I see the dreaded visitor or till the nurse told me the negative outcome, I am not letting this go just yet. I am just coming to terms with the possibility that this wasn't my time. Did a test this morning. Saw a faint line. The faint line is definitely visible as I do not have to tilt it to the light or squint my eyes to see it. Just that it is way lighter than the first line and the digital one told me straight in my face "Not Pregnant". There is two possibility. One is that the faint line is caused by the remainder of my Pregnyl jab or perhaps I could possibly be pregnant just that the HCG in my body is too low to be detected. I am not putting my money in the 2nd possibility. Hubby didnt even want me to put the pic of the test up coz he doesnt want to be sad everytime I see it. He said let's just wait till Wednesday or whenever the dreaded visitor decide to to stop by.
How am I feeling now? Okay I guess. What matters most is that I have my husband who loves me very much and of course my family who is willing to sacrifice everything for me. I love them and they love me too...
Just for the record, symptoms for the day:
(1) BBT still high at 37.00 degrees celsius.
(2) Woke up with a headache but it was probably bcoz of the crying
(3) Greenie lines on boobs still visible.
(4) Nips still painful to the touch but the whole boobs not sore anymore.
So that's it for now. Gonna go and get ready for my weekend. With the test out of the way, I can now just enjoy my weekend without worrying too much. If it meant to be, it will be. If not I guess I will just stand up once more and try again. But that will not be anytime soon. I need to make sure I am mentally and emotionally ready this time for any outcome.
This morning we woke up in each other's arm. Somehow being in his arms make me feel safe yet at the same time it makes me more emotional and vulnerable. The tears just flowed. As he said, I have never failed in any exams before and this to me felt like a failure. He reminded me, school exams are different. I have a way of controlling the outcome by studying but this IVF journey, we can try our very best, do the best we can but at the end of the day, the results is determined by the one above. It makes sense but somehow it just makes me feel more sad. I asked him, what if it is just gonna be the two of us till our old age. He didn't have an answer for it. He just told me, let him do the worrying. I had a good cry and somehow he managed to kiss those tears away.
Am I ready to let this go? Not yet. Till I see the dreaded visitor or till the nurse told me the negative outcome, I am not letting this go just yet. I am just coming to terms with the possibility that this wasn't my time. Did a test this morning. Saw a faint line. The faint line is definitely visible as I do not have to tilt it to the light or squint my eyes to see it. Just that it is way lighter than the first line and the digital one told me straight in my face "Not Pregnant". There is two possibility. One is that the faint line is caused by the remainder of my Pregnyl jab or perhaps I could possibly be pregnant just that the HCG in my body is too low to be detected. I am not putting my money in the 2nd possibility. Hubby didnt even want me to put the pic of the test up coz he doesnt want to be sad everytime I see it. He said let's just wait till Wednesday or whenever the dreaded visitor decide to to stop by.
How am I feeling now? Okay I guess. What matters most is that I have my husband who loves me very much and of course my family who is willing to sacrifice everything for me. I love them and they love me too...
Just for the record, symptoms for the day:
(1) BBT still high at 37.00 degrees celsius.
(2) Woke up with a headache but it was probably bcoz of the crying
(3) Greenie lines on boobs still visible.
(4) Nips still painful to the touch but the whole boobs not sore anymore.
So that's it for now. Gonna go and get ready for my weekend. With the test out of the way, I can now just enjoy my weekend without worrying too much. If it meant to be, it will be. If not I guess I will just stand up once more and try again. But that will not be anytime soon. I need to make sure I am mentally and emotionally ready this time for any outcome.
3 comments:
I can't wait for your beta! I hope that faint line is the beginning of a sticky BFP. Praying that the line gets darker.
Hi Flower,
I hope I had the same amount of confidence as you do. I am praying that faint line will turn darker too but at the same time I am keeping my expectations as low as possible since the Digital HPT decides to tell me otherwise.
I am just hoping my Beta will turn out the way I want it to be. Thanks for your prayers. Truly appreciate it.
Oh, I'm so excited for you! Will you test again tomorrow or wait for the blood test? I'm sending lots of BFP vibes your way! {{{hugs}}} to get you through the hard wait
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