A good cry was all it takes

At 13dp3dt / 16dpo, I have no more sore boobs, no crampy feelings. The crampy feelings have been gone for a while now. I had a good cry yesterday when hubby came back from work. The moment he came back, he came straight to me and gave me a kiss on my forehead and I started tearing. When he asked me what is wrong, I just couldn't say it. But somehow a while later I did tell him. I told him how useless I felt for not being able to bear him any children and now more than ever coz I am not even working. He asked me how did I know this didn't work, could I see what is going inside? Of course I said NO, but how could he understand my inner feelings. Somehow I just have the feeling. You know the feeling where you just knew.

This morning we woke up in each other's arm. Somehow being in his arms make me feel safe yet at the same time it makes me more emotional and vulnerable. The tears just flowed. As he said, I have never failed in any exams before and this to me felt like a failure. He reminded me, school exams are different. I have a way of controlling the outcome by studying but this IVF journey, we can try our very best, do the best we can but at the end of the day, the results is determined by the one above. It makes sense but somehow it just makes me feel more sad. I asked him, what if it is just gonna be the two of us till our old age. He didn't have an answer for it. He just told me, let him do the worrying. I had a good cry and somehow he managed to kiss those tears away.

Am I ready to let this go? Not yet. Till I see the dreaded visitor or till the nurse told me the negative outcome, I am not letting this go just yet. I am just coming to terms with the possibility that this wasn't my time. Did a test this morning. Saw a faint line. The faint line is definitely visible as I do not have to tilt it to the light or squint my eyes to see it. Just that it is way lighter than the first line and the digital one told me straight in my face "Not Pregnant". There is two possibility. One is that the faint line is caused by the remainder of my Pregnyl jab or perhaps I could possibly be pregnant just that the HCG in my body is too low to be detected. I am not putting my money in the 2nd possibility. Hubby didnt even want me to put the pic of the test up coz he doesnt want to be sad everytime I see it. He said let's just wait till Wednesday or whenever the dreaded visitor decide to to stop by.

How am I feeling now? Okay I guess. What matters most is that I have my husband who loves me very much and of course my family who is willing to sacrifice everything for me. I love them and they love me too...

Just for the record, symptoms for the day:

(1) BBT still high at 37.00 degrees celsius.
(2) Woke up with a headache but it was probably bcoz of the crying
(3) Greenie lines on boobs still visible.
(4) Nips still painful to the touch but the whole boobs not sore anymore.

So that's it for now. Gonna go and get ready for my weekend. With the test out of the way, I can now just enjoy my weekend without worrying too much. If it meant to be, it will be. If not I guess I will just stand up once more and try again. But that will not be anytime soon. I need to make sure I am mentally and emotionally ready this time for any outcome.

11dp3dt / 14dpo

Wow it has been a while since I came here to write. I have been reading and commenting but when it come to writing to my own post I am not sure what to write. It has been waiting/analysing and more waiting and more analysing. The last few days have been okay I guess. The tuition assignment I am having is keeping me sane. Whenever I teach, time seems to pass faster. If not, I will have barely much to do. I will just rest on the sofa and watch tv. When I lie down on the sofa, I tend to fall asleep. That's the "symptom" I have been having. LETHARGY. I have been super tired. I need to put my head on the pillow for less than 5 minutes and I will be fast asleep. This is me not working. Can you imagine if I was working full time? I really salute those of you who are going through this treatment and still working at the same time.

By the way, I had taken my last Pregnyl Jab on Wednesday. According to the nurse at my clinic I can test about 4 days after my last jab and the results will be fairly accurate. That is what I have been thinking about. Should I test or not? Half of me wants to badly find out... but there is another half that is really nervous, scared and reluctant. N what ifs start to creep back in my mind. I would like to believe whatever I am currently feeling/seeing is because I am Pregnant. But why at this current moment I dont feel pregnant. I want to be pregnant. SOmehow I am positive that this has worked and I am pregnant but...

Well I guess I just have to wait till Wednesday, that's when I am having my blood test (16dp3dt). I have to HPT in my drawer which I had secretly purchased without hubby's knowledge. I have 2 tuition assignments tomorrow, and Sunday I will be attending 2 wedding invites, then my In Laws are taking us out for a dinner treat. Yeah!!!. Hope time will fly by then. Usually the weekends will pass a little slower but hopefully with the things happening this weekend it be a weekday before I know it.

To my friend, Juliah, Thanks for being there to ease my worries. You have been a great friend. N thank you for keeping me in your prayers and wishing for my success. I am also praying for a positive outcome. May your brother heal well from his surgery. Will keep u updated via sms okay if I decide to do any HPT before BT. Hopefully AF doesnt decide to come before my BT. I am just hoping AF who has never been late in my entire life will decide not to come for the the next 10 months.

Symptoms:

(1) Still slightly sore boobs
(2) Very sensitive and painful nipples
(3) Greenie veins running across my boobs
(4) On and off cramping ( once or twice in a day) - Hope that is bcoz of my babies growing in there.
(5) LETHARGY. Ridiculously tired. Napping of at 2 - 3 hours in the afternoon. - Like now I am already yawning away when I had just woken up from a 4 hours nap in the evening.
(6) Consistently high temperature in the last few days ( bet 36.82 - 37.22). Hope that's a good sign.

That's all from me for now. Next entry will probably be on Monday when I have decided to do a HPT. If not it will be on Wednesday... Till then, pls keep me in your prayers so that I continue to remain sane in this very trying times.

Leaving it all up to Him now.

I have been reading/googling quite a bit due to my free time. Free time is not good especially not during 2WW. I have been reading quite a bit on early pregnancy symptoms but being on Pregnyl jabs, these signs and symptoms cannot be taken as real signs till at least 4 days after my last jab.

Today should be the first day of implantation. I have been feeling on and off crampings alternately from left to right. I would like to believe they are implantation bleeding. This time I knew I have embryos in me that can be potential children of mine unline all the past months/years when I wasnt even sure. The only thing that I am not sure of is whether the embryos have implanted themselves. I would like to believe so. I have done most of the dos and don'ts. N some thing I read today also make me fee very relieve and believe whatever is meant to happen will happen. It now depends to the ONE above... The drs have done their best, the nurses have done their best, so have I and hubby. Now whether it is gonna bear us a positive results or otherwise belongs to Him alone. With God's willing, I will get what I have been dreaming of... Let me copy for all of you part of the article I have read:

It's safe to travel 2-3 days after the transfer.

If you are unsure whether or not to do something, take the "path of least regret". Ask yourself - if I don't get pregnant, will I blame myself for doing this ? And if the answer is yes, don't do it ! - good point.

You may have some vaginal spotting or bleeding prior to your blood test. However, you must have the blood test done, even if you think your period has started. There are no symptoms or signs which will be able to tell you whether or not you are pregnant.

Many doctors used to advise "strict bed rest" after an embryo transfer. However, remember that your physical activity does not affect your chances of getting pregnant. Resting when you are well can be very emotionally taxing, and we encourage patients to lead as normal a life as possible. Many patients are worried that if they cough or sneeze , the embryo will "fall out". However, remember that this is physically impossible, and that if the embryo is going to implant, it will, no matter how much you exert physically. Remember that God has designed the human body with enough sense, that coughing and sneezing will not cause the embryos to "fall out". The uterine cavity is a "potential space", and once the embryos are placed here, they appose to the uterine wall and are not affect by gravitational forces. I remind patients that it's fine for them to do whatever normal couples would do after having sex - after all, how does it matter to the embryo that it arrives in the uterine cavity in the normal course of events, after the couple had sex, or after spending 2 days in the IVF laboratory and then being transferred into the cavity with a catheter ?

All those points in bold truly makes sense to me. I guess you just need someone to point it out to you before you actually believe it for yourself. ANyway I got this article from here http://www.drmalpani.com/book/chapter25c.html. Go ahead and read it if you want and take it with a pinch of salt ok...

Time for me to go and rest now... The crampings are coming on and of. Feeling a little tired too. Another progesterone injections tomorrow. Expecting the symptoms to be intensified due to the injections. Cant wait for last injection on Wednesday... Then whatever symptoms I fee will truly be from my pregnancy...

5dp3dt / I am driving myself crazy

5dp3dt / 8dpo. All these "fake" symptoms due to the medication (Pregnyl jabs) and all these waiting is truly driving me crazy. Not only have I been analysing all the little twitches and twinges, I am starting to analyse every word used by the nurses too... Hahaha... Pls pass by more quickly... Wake me up when July comes... I know, I know. The last time I wrote I said wake me up when June comes now I would like to change my mind...

The last 3 days was gd coz sis was accompanying me and she managed to make time pass faster somehow. Now that she is not around, I am a little more lonely. 5 days down, 11 more day to the blood test.

The symptoms I have been having since the day of my ET is here on and off basis. My lower abdominal cramp kinds of disappears today (or so I thought). As I was eating lunch and drinking, suddenly I had a sudden cramping in my lower abdomen. I had to stand and walk it off a bit before it went away. Since today is day 5 past ET, I would like to believe it is the first day, both my embryos have found a suitable place in the uterus and starting to implant themselves. See... I am thinking positively and visualizing a positive outcome. Hope it will bears me a positive outcome. Pls Pls Pls...

SYmptoms for today:
Boobs is still slightly sore to the touch, very very very tired, pins and needles in my legs, funny feeling in my mouth when I ate my favourite fried chicken yesterday and slight lower abdominal cramping that is on and off...

2dp3dt / Blastocyst

2dp3dt or 5dpo. According to my previous entry, my embryo is now a blastocyst. Tomorrow they should be hatching out of their shell and starting the implantation process. However today, when I went to the toilet and wipe, I notice pink spottings. Is that blood coz my uterus was iritated from the ET or was that implantation bleeding but isnt 2dp3dt too early for implantation? Well I am just praying for the best.

Today the whole day I did not feel any cramping feeling till in the cab when I started to quietly whisper to my embryos, " Pls show me a sign u are still in there doing what you are supposed to be doing." I know I sound crazy and I know it is too early for the embryos to understand me but seriously after spoke to it, I started to feel a little tingling pull/feeling in my lower abdomen. I would like to believe that that was a sign for me. At this moment, I take any sign I can get. I know I am making myself crazy from looking for symptoms but since this is my first time doing the IVF procedure and this is the closest I have been to getting myself pregnant, I am a little nervous, a little excited and lots of worry.

I have been talking it easy the last few days. Today a friend from JC came with her kid and looking at her baby, I just forgot about not supposed to carry heavy stuff. I was sitting on the chair and just hold the baby for less than 5 minutes. I hope that will not have any effect. Seriously the baby is really really cute. Look like a japanese baby. Well I am praying for one or perhaps two of my own. I am just praying everything goes well for me.

This 2WW is starting to get to me. I am just hoping time will past faster or at least I get to know the future. Both of which I know wont happen. Anyway, having my sister over is a really a blessing. We have so much time talking - that is when I am not sleeping/resting.

Symptoms for today:
(1) Boobs still sore. Nips are painful and very sensitive to the touch.
(2) Lethargy is ridiculous. I slept while waiting for my sister to arrive. Slept while waiting for both of my tuition kids to arrive. Was out for less than 2 hours and I was begging to go back. Slept again.
(3) Pinkish spotting when I wipe on the tissue.
(4) Lower abdominal cramping - just a little compare to yesterday.

So that is it for now. I will update again soon. I have a little plan for tomorrow with sis and hubby. Nothing much. Just going out for a walk to get some fresh air and to get some blood circulation.

1dp3dt / Green with Envy

I have always wanted to be able to write that down. Now I can. I was talking to hubby today after more than 24 hours of bed rest about how my butt is cramping from all that rest. Other than going to get my food and to the toilet, I have been sitting and lying down on the sofa with the tv as my companion.

I was telling hubby how I am green with envy with people who can go through pregnancy the normal way. I mean.. seriously after making love during their ovulation period, next day onwards, do you see them being careful etc? They go about their normal activity. SOme that got pregnant during their honeymoon even went hiking, mountain climbing, skiing etc yet at the end of the month, they find that they are pregnant. So why is there a difference for us who went through fertility treatment?

Hubby told me that I could always go about all the normal activity but... will I ever regret any of my actions at the end of this whole journey after spending all that money as well as going through all the pain emotionally and physically? Hearing that I decide of course I want to make sure I do my very best to ensure a healthy pregnancy and deliver a healthy baby at the end of the whole journey.

As usual when I do not have anything to watch on TV, I was seeking advice from Dr Google. N I found the following information base on a 3 day transfer:

1dpt ..embryo is growing and developing into a morula
2dpt... Embryo is now a blastocyst
3dpt....Blastocyst hatches out of shell on this day
4dpt.. Blastocyst attaches to a site on the uterine lining
5dpt.. Implantation begins,as the blastocyst begins to bury in the lining
6dpt.. Implantation process continues and morula buries deeper in the lining
7dpt.. Morula is completely inmplanted in the lining and has placenta cells & fetal cells
8dpt...Placenta cells begin to secret HCG in the blood
9dpt...More HCG is produced as fetus develops
10dpt...More HCG is produced as fetus develops
11dpt...HCG levels are now high enough to be immediately detected on HPT

Base on the information above, my 8 cells embryo would have continued to grow into a morula. Insya Allah (God's willing).

Symptoms (this is just for my own documentation):
(1) lower abdominal cramping on my left hand side
(2) constant need to pee (much higher frequency than usual)
(3) higher body temperature
(4) lethargy - just need to put my head on a pillow and less than 5 minutes I will be in dreamland)

Am I ready?

Had my early dinner. Now just resting and watching tv while waiting for hubby to come back. I have been having this weird taste in my mouth since I started on the antibiotics given by dr. YUCKS!!! Yesterday after dinner, I threw up. I hope this time around the food will stay down. Last food and drink will be at 10.30 tonight in preparation for my ER. I still feel like throwing up now. My favourite drink taste funny too.

Talking about ER... Am I ready to face the unknown? To find out whether it has always been me who has contributed to us not being able to conceive. To find out that I don't have enough quality eggs to be fertilised? Well... I am okay. Don't worry. I am just stressing over minute issues. Time to just rest and leave the rest to Allah. I have tried, I have prayed. The rest is up to Him to decide. If He feels that I am ready, I am sure He will give us what we had dreamed of for a very long time.

Will I be disappointed if I do not get the results I am hoping for? Sure. But why worry now. I will think about it when I reach at that particular stage.

I will be going back to my mum's place after my ER tomorrow coz hubby will be on afternoon shift and there is no one at home to look after me. So I will be resting at my mum's place. So friends who are waiting for an update from me have to wait till later at night when I get back okay...

Juliah I will sms you once I get out of my drowsiness... Pls pray for me okay friend... Hope to have good news to share with you.

By the way, did I mention my "twins" are in pain. They are super sensitive to the touch. N the tips are damn hard and sore. I know this is just the side effect from the Trigger shot and more is in store for me. I am ready to face anything at this juncture but pls bear with all my random ramblings. Just a way for me to express myself so that I don't blast at my hubby for no apparent reason.

Day 11 of Puregon

Gosh!!! It has been 11 days of Puregon. Not liking it very much.

Lethargy. CHECKED. CHECKED. CHECKED

Bruises on tummy. CHECKED

Lower Abdominal Cramping. CHECKED

Bloatedness. CHECKED

Slight Fever. 37.6. CHECKED

Mood Swing. CHECKED

I am ready to be off Puregon soon and I am ready to have my ER/ET in the nearest possible date. Well... Maybe you can ask me again once I have had my ER and then I will tell you whether I am liking it or not.

I am just feeling very tired at the moment. Hubby was off to work in the morning. Woke up, got him some breakfast and once he left I went back to sleep and woke up like 3 hours later. Wow!!! My whole body just feels so tired at the moment.

Hubby is on morning shift again tomorrow. Told him not to take leave. It is just gonna be another scan. Got mum to accompany me though. Having either hubby or mum around for my treatment makes me feel really secure and comfortable. I am hoping and praying for the best outcome tomorrow.

Gonna go and get some afternoon nap since students are taking a break from lessons due to holidays. I am just gonna enjoy whatever free time I am having now. I have always been right when I listen to my body and this time around my body says I need a rest. SO rest I would do... Till my next update.. which should be tomorrow.

2 more days...

It is 2 more days till I go back to the clinic for a follies check. Hope everything is growing well in there. I will be praying that I do not have to extent my Puregon injection much longer than necessary coz that jab kinds of stings. So far on the symptom side, the dizziness comes as and when they like, there is an after taste in my mouth, I can't stand strong smell (especially the smell of some people in public transport - goodness gracious don't they bathe), my "ladies" are slightly sore, lower cramping is more obvious with alternating sides, and my lower abdomen is also kind of hard (like I have not been to the toilet for long) and the lethargy is getting more and more ridiculous. Oh dont forget about the lower backache. The backache is similar to those that I usually get just before my Ovulation day. SO that is my update of the symptoms I am having so far.

Puregon injection does hurt anymore after the first 3 days. Neither do the injection site bleeds. Just that I notice there are very tiny red "mosquito" bite where I do the injection.

2 more days will also be my 28th birthday. What a nice present this will be if I were to get a BFP. Well I can dream right? N hopefully from a dream will become a reality.

I will be writing an entry in conjunction with my birthday and perhaps include a pic or two of me when I was a little baby... Hehehe...

Not Liking It

2 days of Puregon and so far I am not liking it. 2 days in a row, my injection site was bleeding. Other than that, when I press on the area, it feels as if there is a teeny bite size mark. My tummy started cramping today. Not anywhere near my Pre AF cramp. This was just little twinges as I was walking. Tummy is bloated and hard. I am also peeing and drinking alot. Lethargy? Don't even let me start about it. I am so tired. Can't even keep my eyes open in a 30 minutes bus ride. Sitting cross legged on the floor far too long will cause my back to ache.

If symptoms means, the medication are doing what they are supposed to be doing then good. If you ask me now, Suprefact injection was child play compared to Puregon. I will choose Suprefact to Puregon any day. But well... we have to move on sooner or later. I am just glad Allah is on my side and is currently moving me along as I had prayed and hoped for.

I am still keeping myself update with all of your daily updates but don't expect much from me okay. Any free time I get, I think I will try to squeeze in some nap time to help reduce my lethargy. Once I have more symptoms to "complain" about, I will write in.

I thank Allah for His blessings and for guiding me this far. Thank you to the nurses who has been very nice and sweet with regards to my procedure. Answering my question and helping me as and when I need them. Thank you to my parents for being so supportive of what we are doing and always being concern about my health and well being. Thank you also to my darling hubby for being there to do my injections, for being there to be at the end of my ranting and 'scolding'. To everyone else in the Blogsphere, who has been kind and generous with their advices, THANK YOU. I truly appreciate it.

10 days and counting

Today is the 10th day I am on Supre.fact injection. As I was reading others blogs I realise that not many or none really have any symptoms while on hormones suppression. So today I decided to ask Dr Goo.gle for some answers. N this was what he came up with. I understand that this is teh period of time when the injection is supposed to suppress my hormones ( I believe it is the Estrogen Level).

At this current moment based on my current symptoms, the injections are doing what they are supposed to be doing and my estrogen level is suppressed. Based on Dr Goo.gle, the following are symptoms of low level of estrogen:

Sign and Symptoms of Low Estrogen Levels:

Rapid pulse rate
Bloating (Checked)
Fatigue that worsens during the day (Checked)
Constant fatigue, lethargy and fatigue on light exertion. (Checked)
Short-term memory failure
Poor Memory
Hot flashes (Checked)
Joint pain, swelling and stiffness (on my fingers -Checked)
Decreased Sex Drive (A little - I am not so sure coz currently having AF)
Depression
Headaches (Checked)
Osteoarthritis
Low Back Pain
Dry skin
Vaginal Dryness
Recent unexplained weight gain

So that explains my constant lethargy and laziness to get my ass of the couch. Yes some of you might think that I am just making up excuses for being lazy but truly I can't keep my eyes open especially in the late afternoon (like now).

Bro is discharge. Thank goodness. He is currently home thus I don't have to travel to and fro the hospital anymore. 4 more days of injection then I will be going in for my estrogen level check. Let's hope this time it will be it. I am praying this will be the silver lining we are looking for. I am hoping that God will pay off our patience all this while. Will update again once I have had my appointment this coming Friday. Till then have a good week ahead.

To Tammy and Mark ~ You are in my prayers throughout this difficult time. Stay strong despite all the challenges presented to you. May things get easier for you in the near future.

Back earlier than expected

Hey I am back. Earlier than expected. Been spending some time on my own, reading and praying and getting close to my creator. IT is amazing what some quiet moment can do for you. I was sitting by the sea side the other day, looking at a group of kids playing in the sand. I was like thinking, "if only one of that kid is mine". I am not asking for many just one. Then I look out to the vast ocean, and see how God has His reasons for doing the things He does. Have you ever wondered, why is the sea blue?

Well I am just rambling here. Just wanted to write that I have been kind of sick the last few days. Have been coughing like a mad dog, sneezing non stop and running a slight temperature. Been taking my medication regularly. Hopefully I am going to get well before I start my treatment.

Did I mention how much my bo.obs hurt? IT was super painful to the touch. N the nips get super sharp and sensitive everytime the hub try to touch. His hands got snubbed by me many many times... Hahaha... Hands like octopus. Serves him right. N I cannot hold my bladder very long too.

OKay time for me to take my medication and go to bed... See you all around.

Somehow I have a feeling that AF could be round the corner.

14dpo

It is 14dpo. Unlike previous months, and the months before my surgery, there isn't any painful cramps, bad backaches whatsoever. It has been pretty quiet. Too quiet for comfort sometimes.

Went out for lunch with hubby just now. On our way back, we stopped by a pharmacy and purchased the following...


So there you have it. I have 2 tests in hand but I am not testing yet. I mean let see what tomorrow brings. Hubby was excited at the possibility but I told him not to put too much hope. I am not confident at all. He said what ever the result is, we still have each other. That's the most important.

This weekend a major family event is taking place. I am worried. All the what ifs that has been going on in my head for the past 5 years is going to come through starting from this weekend. Am I worried? YES!!! Things are looking bleak for us and for them it is the starting point. It will give my sister-in-law another reason to criticise us or to be more precise ME. Yes I have never been pregnant and might not be able to give my husband the child he/we so much desire. But I love hubby very deeply. N I know no one will be able to love him the way I do. I believe that is more than enough. Like what he said children are a bonus. Well, I guess we just have to wait and see what God has in plan for us.

Waiting one more day... Will see how the wait goes.

1 more day...

My 2WW is coming to an end. It is my 13dpo. Was wondering whether I should test at all. I mean I was not that hopeful about this cycle since it was the first after my surgery. Let's wait till I am truly late then I will decide on my next course of action.

I mean there are no signficant symptoms. My boobs are not at all swollen. Just a little cramping in my lower abdomen, sometimes on the left sometimes on the right and the persistent headache which is causing me to feel really lethargic. Other than that nothing much. I am still hopeful though. Still wishing for a miracle to happen. One more day...

Whatever the result is whether positive or negative, I will let you guys know, that's a promise.

On another note, hubby just received an sms from his good friend. Another poly friend of his, whose wife just gave birth on Monday has been hit by the worse news ever. Their baby who was born healthy and normal, just passed away at about 7pm tonight. May the baby's soul rest in peace. May the parents find peace and tranquility in God's challenge and obstacle. May Allah bless them all.

Last shot!!!

Hooray, today was a good day after all. It didnt start off good at all. First my Monday time table stinks lah. No breather at all. Then came the students' attitude. Wah I truly feel like slapping him in the face. The attitude he shows is just ridiculous. N he calls himself a student. But after recess, after I have calm myself down with some prayers taught by my mum, he actually came to me along the corridor and apologise and promise to be a good boy. Strange but okay.

This was after i shed a tear during recess quietly at my desk. Well who else can I share my "problems" with. Here I have no close friends to go to. Neither do I trust anyone much. Well... Let's not dwell on the past. As I was talking to mama today, she mentioned we must learn to be appreciative of what we have. In this case, being here, I have more free time after school and thus I am able to leave as early as 3pm and can go proceed with my treatment without having to take time off or leave or MC. Just like today.

Went to school as per normal. Then mama came to fetch me at 3pm. We made our way to KK hospital. Took a while to find a parking lot. Then the queue at the pharmacy was a nightmare. Luckily we managed to get to the clinic by 4.15pm. Waited for a bit and got Nurse Catherine to do my final Lucrin shot before I start on my IVF journey once again. This is getting so exciting. I can't wait and I have been counting down. I have also conscientiously try to not bring work home during the weekdays and to spend a little more time for myself.

With this last shot of Lucrin, I seem to be having double the dosage of symptoms: Hot Flushes, High Temperature, Mood Swings, Bloatedness, lower abdomen cramping and many more little symptoms that I feel is too small to note.

Currently during my free time (whatever I am left with after my work) I am reading the last book of the Twilight Series - Breaking Dawn.


The book kind of consist 4 in 1 book. From Bella's point of view as well as Jacob. The book is so intriguing. I regret not reading it earlier but better late than never right?

I am also into another craze - Diner Dash. I thought I was the only one playing but according to hubby some of his friends had to give up using the computer coz their wife wanted to play Diner Dash on comp. Haha... N hubby said luckily I have my own comp. It is a fun game. SO many stages and it really puts your mind in alert mode.

Okaylah enough entry for today. I am going back to relaxing mode... Till my next entry!!!

One down one more to go

4 days ago I was supposed to be getting my menses. But thanks to the suppression AF didnt come. Can you hear the hint of sarcasm there? AF has always be prompt with her visit. The only way it was going to be kept away is by suppressing it.So yes, for the first time in my 27years of life, AF has gone missing thanks to Lucrin. One month missing, one more month to go. I am due for another injection on the 9th of February - that's 8 days away and according to my ticker countdown, I am 11 days away from ovulation. Hmmm... Won't that then be too late to suppress my hormones? Well I am sure the Dr knows what she's doing.

I am just praying that I will still be able to handle the menopausal symptoms. Last month it has been tough. Hubby has been at the end of some of it but most of the time it was my students. Blame them for being so ridiculously lazy. Not only will they not listen when you are teaching, they won't even do their homework. N worse of all how rude some of these kids are. Their sentence are punctuated with the F-word. What is the world coming to? What are their parents doing? When I see these kids, I think twice about having my own children but then again it is all about the nurture. If you do it right from the beginning, I am sure with God's willing, they will turn out just fine.

Back to my symptoms. Damn the weather has been hot. The hot flushes is making me ridiculously hot in the face. It is so hot that it hurts. A few days ago, I started having slight twinges and cramping in my lower abdomen. Nothing to really worry about I guess coz I have had worse crampings in the past. I have been having the runs too. It has been very watery. Not sure whether it was something I ate or what. But I hope it will improve. I am planning to not waste any MCs unnecessarily. I have better plans for them in the near future.

With a weekly housekeeper, I have more time for ME time. With my lessons preparations for the next 3 weeks done, I have more time for an entry as well as to use the computer. I am currently reading the following...


My sis has gotten me hook to this. She has lent me this book for about 3 weeks now. I have just started reading a few days ago and I can't seem to put it down. It is keeping my mind off TTC issues at least for now.

Since February is the month of LOVE, I will be ending my entries for this month with banners dedicated to my loved ones especially hubby. Thank you for all the love and support you have showered me. You have been my pillar of strength and the love of my life.

I am still alive and kicking

It has been a while since I last wrote. Well first thing first I have been swarmed like crazy at work. There are just far too many things to do. At work, marking is never ending. Lesson preparation is non stop. Worksheet creation is an everyday affair. My work is taking my time away from hubby. We are spending just so little time together. With this long weekend (4 days to be exact), I am hoping I will get to spend some real quality time with him.

Today he is on afternoon shift. Since he is at work, I am planning to finish up some work and do some reading so that when he is home I can just spend time with him. We went to the supermarket today to purchase some groceries since the shop is gonna be closed till Wednesday. For now I have not started any work yet. I am just dragging and procrastinating. No work on Monday means it gives me more time to do things for me.

We do not have plans for anything yet tomorrow. We shall see. But Monday we are going to the place we first dated at, celebrated pur birthday together... Here...


It is going to be a family outing. I know there are gonna be tons of people there but who cares as long as I am spending time with loved ones.

Now back to my journey to motherhood... Nothing much is happening on that front. I am currently still suffering from all the symptoms of menopause. Some days they are bearable, some days they just get really horrible. The hot flashes, mood swings you name it. Hubby has been on the receiving end of my symptoms. Poor hubby!!!

Tentatively my period is supposed to come in 4 days time. But because of the suppression it won't be coming till April. When it does come, it will be time for me to continue with my IVF journey. I am very excited. I told hubby that if I get a positive result from it, I wanna take the full 60 days of hospitalisation leave. I want my 1st trimester to be over before coming back to work. If only I was at my old workplace, this decision would have been so much easier. Here, it is a little tougher because I am still trying to plant my feet firmly into the ground. Previously my position was more or less stable. Hmmm... Do I regret my decision? Sometimes I do. Was it a hasty decision on my part? Maybe. But then again here, I have more time after work. I am done as early as 3pm and only on certain days do I finish at 6pm.

Well let's not turn back now. Let's make the best out of the situations that I am currently in. If I choose to take all the leave I have what can the management do. Possibly give me a D at the review meeting but other than that I guess I should be okay. So which is more important at this moment: WORK or STARTING A FAMILY? That's a no brainer. Of course starting a family!!! So when the time comes and I have to choose, I will choose whatever that will lead me towards starting a family.

With that I shall take my leave now. Need to start a little on my work. Till I write again. SHould be soon enough since I will not be at work till Wednesday.

Short entry for the week

As usual busy as a bee. The day started off hectic at work. What's new right? Anyway,I rush off to KK today after work. Manage to reach the pharmacy before 4pm, got my medicine and off to Room 2 at Clinic D. The staff nurse that attended to me was very nice and friendly. She tried to chat with me while giving the injection so that I don't really feel the tinge. We talked and she asked whether I have had any symptoms taking the injection. Let me tell you...it is one damn expensive medicine ok. For a one month supply it cost me $256. On top of that the medicine will supposedly give me menopausal symptoms like hot flushes, irritability etc. How nice!!! I paid so much for something that is going to makes me feel bad???

Then she said..."You are still young so why go through IVF?" I explained about the low motility and count plus the persistent cysts in my ovaries. You see... IF doesn't only affect the older group. It can affect us, 'younger' ones too. By the way, I don't think I am getting any younger. I will 28 this year... 2 years to 30 and I do want to have my own kids before I reach the BIG 30... Well I can plan but the rest is truly in Allah's hands. I can just hope and pray for the best.

By the way, my reason for writing is to say that the symptoms is starting to take effect. I woke up from my nap feeling very hot. I was really feeling very warm. My face is all hot. N it is only the first day... Oh God please give me strength!!!

Time to sign off. Got lots of work to do. Till the weekend.