Officially OVER

Today was it. It was OFFICIALLY OVER. What you may ask? My period that is. AF has decided to make its exit. After almost 5 or was it 6 days? Well I am just glad it left before New Year. That would have stink. Anyway, AF visit this month has been pretty quiet too. Thus there hasn't been much activity.

Then there are also things happening at my work place. I started work at my new place. Attended their staff meeting on Monday. Was introduce to their staff. They look pretty friendly. Some were very helpful with the things that I need. My new work space is also much bigger compared tp the one I had previously. For now, I am doing good I guess. I did drop by my previous school to sign some form, collect some items and return some materials. I don't miss that place but I do miss some of my colleagues there. I hope I will be able to make some close colleagues here. I am psyching myself up. I know this is for the best. Especially after I went back today. I know for sure I have made the right decision. I guess between me and my preivous work place... we are OFFICIALLY OVER now.

Being new here, I might have to start learning all over again. I will have to probably make some changes and learn new things. I used to be afraid. Today I am choosing to overcome that fear and hopefully learn as much as possible. It is not gonna be easy but I have to make this change and I am not gonna let fear get in the way. CONFIDENCE is the word for today.

Follow my heart...

The last 2 days has been pretty quiet except for the fact that (TMI ALERT): my period seems to have come and visit 5 days earlier than the expected date. I was not really expecting it to come coz firstly I was on the GnHR injection for 3 months, which was supposed to suppress my hormones and to stop my menses from coming back. This is so that to give my little ovary a break from the tedious monthly "work". But 2 days ago, as I was sitting right here in front of my computer, I feel a little wet you know where. Took a tissue, wipe it and lo and behold.

So I guess, AF do decide to drop by one last time. Well one good thing about her visit this time around is, there was no back pain, no abdominal cramps, just a little mood swing. Hey if this is how her visit is gonna be after the surgery, I guess it was worth it to go for the surgery after all.

I have been very apprehensive the last few days about my pending meeting in my new school. A little nervous about it. I mean, in my previous school, you can consider me as one of the "older" staff. Here I will be one of the newbies. Don't know how the people there will react to my present. Not sure whether the students will be able to accept me as their teacher. I mean looking at it, 2 of the classes that I am taking should have been previously taught by someone else so it might not be that easy as they might already have a particular way of learning. My heart has not been at ease. Hope it will get better after tomorrow's meeting.

Then tonight, I came across the following and it somehow manage to ease me a little.

To some extent I think I should stop second guessing myself. Just like how I chose to call KKIVF and start on my IVF treatment, I should also stop second guessing myself when it comes to work matters. I should have more faith in my capabilities and know that I will do what's best for the students.

The day after Christmas

To everyone who celebrates Christmas... MERRY CHRISTMAS!!! Sorry my message came a little late but better late than never right. My most sincere apologies. Well what was I doing on Christmas day? The last I checked, nothing much. Work is starting on Monday. Not fully, just a staff meeting. Official work will start on Friday, 2nd January 2009. So yesterday, I decided to get off my couch and start with my re-packing and re-filling of all the resources that I have accumulated.

Not much was done actually. I just managed to relabel some of my filing rack and files. Did I mention that I will be teaching ALL Maths classes this coming year? It is a tentative deployment. Will be confirmed by Monday. Looking at that tentative deployment, I will also be teaching all upper sec classes. Hmmm... Am I capable of doing it? If it was in my previous school, I would say not a problem. But here, with a co-ed school. new colleagues, new management, will I be able to survive? I am praying that I will. I am hoping that things will be better here than where I was previously. I really do not wish to move again. It was painful to leave the students that I have loved and the colleagues that have become family. So we'll see. Perhaps the new year will bring me a little bit more courage to face the future and what is in store for me.

Today has been another quiet day. I don't feel like going anywhere. Reason? Please refer to previous posts. Yes, I am jealous. Jealous of people who has the family that I am struggling to start. It has been almost 4 years since I first said maybe next year we will be spending it with little me and little hubby. This year is no different from other years. It has been 8 years since we have been together, married for 4 and still nothing to show for it. Our love for each other is still strong or perhaps stronger after all that we have been through. Today shall be the last day this year that I am going to mourn and feel sorry for myself. I found something on the net today. I shall leave you all with it.

Better days ahead?

Today I woke up not feeling too good about myself. I just can't explain it. I guess it was just one of those days where I decide to wake up and feel sorry for myself. I don't know. I guess it is the holidays. The holidays somehow have an effect on me. You go out everywhere, you will see things that will remind you of the things that you can't have. Young couples with babies, family with kids running around, parents buying their kids presents for the holidays and families celebrating special events. I want to do all that too. I want to celebrate special events other than our birthday and anniversary. Hmmm....

Today when I woke up, I feel so different from others around me. I feel so far away. I feel so distant, so withdrawn. Am I the only one out here that is facing this problem? Perhaps not bcoz I know I have make some wonderful friends here. But why is it during the holiday/festive season, I feel so alone. I feel as if I am the only one who is facing this. I am trying my very best to stay positive, to think that I will be able to overcome this but even the weather is not on my side. It has been raining since morning.

I truly hope there is a rainbow after the rain. The sun will shine once again. Will there be better days ahead? I don't know. What I know is for now, I feel like sitting in the corner and just be miserable. For once, I just wanna be sad, cry and feel sorry for myself. I do not want to pretend that I am happy. Well, at times I am. At times I know how lucky I am. For having an understanding family, wonderful husband, good paying job and a roof over my head. There are others out there that might not even have this. But just for today, I want to feel sorry for myself. I wanna feel how much life has been a little unfair to me. For not granting me the most basic function of a woman - to bear children.

"Dear God, if you are listening to me, why haven't you grant my wish yet. I have been praying, wishing and hoping. But as days turn to weeks and weeks turn to months and months to years, I still have not heard from you. You seem to have distant yourself from me? Or is it the other way round. Have I done something wrong? Have I neglected you that is why you are now neglecting me? When will you be available again? When will you ever hear me? The new year is coming. I am done making new year's resolution. I am not even going to make anymore wishes. I will just let nature takes its course. Once you have decided that I am good enough, perhaps you will grant me that one wish I have been hoping for."

To all of you celebrating Christmas, Have a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year.

The good, the bad and the ugly

Okay if you are thinking that this entry has anything to do with me dealing with infertility issues, it does not. You may continue reading about me rambling about some issues involving the good, the bad and the ugly side of some Sing_poreans I came across with at the soccer match that I attended today. So yes we were here today...

The National Stadium

The Sing_apore team outplayed and outrun their opponents. However they didn't manage to outlast the other team and as a result came out on the losing end. Well, that's soccer for you. The ball is round. You kick it and it can end up at the back of anyone's net and today it decide to end up at the back of the Sing_apore's net.

I do not wish to talk about the soccer game. You can read that up on your own on the web. What I want to share is what goes on off the pitch. I happen to sit beside a very irritating uncle. Irritating is such an understatement. He is just so uncivilised, rude and disrespecful. So what happen you may ask? Let me list it down for you.

1. During the Viet_nam National Anthem, everyone was standing as a sign of respect. Guess what the uncle did? He went around giving the middle finger at all the opposition's fans. OMG!!!!
   
2. Throughout the game he keep calling the fans stupid and other rude names that I do not wish to taint my site with. If you ask me, I will say he is the stupid one. Among all the Viet_namese fans there I think at least 30% of them are University students. Who are you?
   
3. While the game was going on on the pitch, he kept taunting the opposition fans who didn't do or say anything to him.

I wonder why can't we just have a decent game of football? Why does it have to be tainted with such people? To the Sing_apore team... It is okay. Today is not your day. I am still behind you. Like what I like to say, if you think you have done your best, hold your head up high and don't be ashame of yourself. There is always next time... Let me leave all of you with some pictures I manage to capture during the match.

Popping the Pills

My ovulation day come and go without any major incident. No back pain. No cramps. Usually my back will hurt and I will be experiencing lower abdominal pain on the day of my ovulation. I guess, my ovaries are resting this month and the next 2 month. I guess it is time for my body to give those ovaries a break. Resting it is. Other than a few more little bandages that I have not removed, I am as good or perhaps better than I was before the surgery. Baby dancing aka "actions in shack" has resumed. Hahaha... That sounds a little crude but what the heck.

Of course things are a little more relax as we do not have to think of the final outcome. We are just enjoying each other's company. Perhaps after trying for almost 48months = 4 years, it is time we gave ourself this short break. My ovaries deserve it and so do I.

I have been taking 5 different types of pills in the last 9 days. Antibiotics, Vitamin E, Evening Primrose Oil, Pain Killers and something for gastric pains. I rather be popping the pills than taking any forms of injections. But after more than a week of popping those pills, I am starting to get tired of taking them. 8 more pills before I am done with the antibiotics. Thank God!!!

The Primrose Oil pill is not that bad you know. According to Dr Sadhana, the GnHR injection will give me all the menopausal symptoms. The first week after the injections, YES I felt it. I began to be sweating badly even in cold weather. Mood swings - hubby has been at the end of it all but luckily he had been warn by Dr Sadhana about it. Hubby has been pretty patient with me. Hehehe...

Okay let's talk about the Evening Primrose Oil. It's active ingredient Gamma-Linolenic Acid plays an effective role in the treatment of dry, rough skin, atopic eczema, relief of allergy-induced eczema, asthma and metabolic disorders associated with pre-menstrual syndrome and discomfort. So yes if you are looking forward to preventing PMS and what not, try out this pill. N it does help with the bowel movement too.

Now let's talk abou what I have been doing in the last few days. Hmmm... nothing much really. Sis came over to sleep at my place since mum and dad were away in KL for a relative wedding. On Friday, we went out to get ourselve a new hp. N boy am I happy with my new handphone. Hubby helped me pick it out.

My N85 front view.

My N85 back view.

In addition I also purchase a new computer for my work. N I am loving my new pink, YES PINK laptop. I am starting to use it now. It is so comfortable. The keypad, the screen and everything about it. I guess I will be writing more often now up till perhaps when I have to start working on my admin staff for the new semester. Oh My God, Time sure flash by when you are enjoying yourself. Wait till the semster begins, and time will start crawling. Okay I gotta go now. Need to get ready. I am going to watch a soccer match at the stadium with sis and hubby remember? I am crossing my fingers that the Singapore Team will play much better and will win the game today.

My Sony Vaio

7 Not So Random Things About Me

I was tagged by Virginia a few weeks back. I have been drafting the entry for a very long time. It is just that this post is not that easy. I can't seem to find the 7 not so random things about me. Hmmm...

1. I have had 5 ex boyfriends (the 1st bf was when I was 12) before I met up with hubby during my university days. My longest relationship with my ex boyfriend never last longer than a year. Once they get too close, I start to run. Hubby was the only stubborn one who doesn't want to go away. I tried ways and means to make him go away. Ask him how much we fought and argued. But he still stayed on.
2. I "met" hubby through another guy whom I got to know through the net. The other guy asked hubby how I looked like from my college magazine and hubby said I am not that guy's type. The guy didn't meet up with me and just stop messaging. When hubby started dating me, the guy got upset with hubby. Hahaha..
3. I hate eating my veges. I tried once in a while but it just doesn't go well with my throat. I will pick at my food. For example if I am eating fried noodles and there are bean sprouts in it, I will take my time and pick out the bean sprout one by one.
4. I am a movie freak. I will catch most movies at the cinema. But if I dont get to do that, I will purchase the VCDs and catch them at home. I have more than 100 VCDs now.
5. I know where I live is summer all year round but I love Spring. I visited Korea during Spring and it was awesome. Weather was cooling. Not humid.
6. My work is my passion. I have dreamt of doing what I am doing since I was a young girl. I used to line up my teddy bears and distribute books and pretend I was teaching them. And now I am doing what I love doing.
7. Last but not least I hate plain water. I don't really drink my water without any flavour. I need them sweet. Syrup, isotonic drinks anything except plain water.

SO there you have it. 7 NOT so random things about me. That took me longer than I had expected. Now I am supposed to pass this on to few more people to get it going. Hmmm... I am not sure whether any of you have done this before. If you have, then please ignore this tag of mine. They are:

• My Grasp at Sanity
• The Wayward Stork
• Wishing4one
• Fertile Ramblings

Wrecked. Disappointed. Hurt

That's an understatement of how I am feeling right now. I am a wrecked. That's a better word. I am a mess. Emotions are running haywire. Yes maybe it was the hormones. But at the end of the day my question is why can't you just try to understand how I feel. Why can't you put yourself in my shoes? I have always tried to be there for you in everything you do so why can't you support me now? I don't really need you to do anything beyond your capabilities. I just need you to be there as my moral support. Stand by my side. Listen and once it was over we can leave.

But no. You had to make a big fuss over it. Give all kind of excuses that just doesn't make sense to me. If you don't want to be there just say it don't have to twist and turn and make up excuses after excuses. I am so disappointed at this very moment. I am not sure whether I am more disappointed with him or with myself. Perhaps I should just learn to control my emotions a little more. But at the end of the day, if he can raise his voice and not even try to control his emotions why should I.

Tears are welling in my eyes as I wrote this entry. I don't even know why. Perhaps I am just so upset. Upset at how much he has changed. He used to be there for me for EVERYTHING. He used to support me in ALL that I do. But for some reason, he has decided that that has to change. Or perhaps I was the one who had changed.

My work has been my passion since young. I love my kids. They are like the kids that I can't have. I spent more than 8 hours a day with them. I laughed with them, cried with them, joked with them and advised them on life. Now all I wanted to do was be there for them when they receive their results. N I want him to be there with me. This is the last time I am going to be seeing them. The last time I am going to step foot in that building. ONE LAST TIME. Why can't he just understand that?

Well perhaps it is just my hormones reacting. Or perhaps it is a legitimate fear. Fear that he has change into someone I don't know anymore. Fear that this is the start of a horrible nightmare.

You are my personal brand of heroin...

Okay I know that this blog is specifically set up to write about my journey towards motherhood but since I can't start on my treatment anytime soon, there is really nothing much for me to write about. Therefore more often than not, in the next 3 months my entry will be somewhat similar to the following entry.

I was out with sis and hubby today and we had fun. Like we always do. The day started off with us making our way to Jalan Besar Stadium to purchase this...

So me, hubby and sis are going to show our support to the National Team in the 2nd leg of the semi finals. Let's hope they do well tomorrow in Vietnam so that they will come in with an advantage.

After purchasing the soccer tickets, we went to collect our movie tickets next which was showing at 2.40pm. Since we were early we went to have lunch first at an Indonesian Restaurant. The food was really not bad. But since I am still recuperating from my surgery, I am watching what I eat - some soup and fish with rice. So what movie did we watch... Let me give you a clue: "The lion has fallen for the lamb"....

Still no idea??? "Twilight, again. Another ending. No matter how perfect the day is, it always has to end." That should help right??? Let me leave all of you with a few pictures of the movie... ooohhhh...I AM IN LOVE!!!

Does that make me less of a woman?

I woke up today to a rainy Sunday. N today is the day I decide to feel sorry for myself. I woke up feeling so low. I messaged hubby who was at work and tears started welling my eyes. ALL I wanted is a child with him, the love of my life. I am not asking for anything more. But time and time again, I was tested. First it was the low sperm count and motility, then come the HUGE cysts, then come the hormones suppression. What's next?

With the hormones suppression, my menses will not come. I feel so much less of a woman. I mean what is the use of me being a woman if I can't have my menses, produce my own eggs and have my own baby. Yes it will only be for 3 months but it is 3 months too long. Hmmm...

Messaged hubby about my fears. Fear that I won't be able to have our own kids, fear that he might leave me for another. Fear that I can't get through all these obstcles and challenges. His next messgae did not totally rid me of my fears but it does make me feel better.

"Of course you can get through this. You got me. I love you sayang. You can't put a timetable of when you want a child. Plan yes. Execute yes. The rest is beyond our powers. Sayang I got you. That's enough for me. Children are the bonus. You can't give up hope just bcoz of small Tests by Allah. U never lose any limbs or senses. To me all this just keeps reminding me of how blessed I am to have you as my wife. Every obstacles we overcome just reinforced my belief that something wonderful is awaiting us at the end of it."

So here I am... Yes, in the next few months I will at times wake up feeling very insecure about my womanhood. I will at times wake up with the most unreasonable fear that my husband gonna love me less and leave me for another. But at the end of the day, with God's Grace, I believe me and hubby will get through this and when we do get through this I know we will be a stronger couple.

My Surgery - Laparoscopy/Cystectomy

I just got back from hospital today. Feeling much better than I was 2 days ago. Still feeling a little drowsy from all the drugs. Now resting at home with the help of my sister and mother. She has been cooking porridge and soup for me. Yesterday was chicken soup with fishball and today was beefball with potatoes. I wouldn't be eating this kind of food if I am not sick. Walking is still a pain. The 3 "punctured" wounds are are healing but it is still a bit swollen. Sitting, walking trying to get up is a pain.

Anyway, my surgery went rather well. I wake up at 5.15am on Wednesday. Bathe, got ready and sent dad to work first before we headed to KKH. Reached hospital at 6.50am, checked in with the nurse and was asked to change into my operation gown. Hubby not around yet as he was working night shift. But having mama, sis, bro and his fiance there was a relief. I was scared but I just prayed for the best. I was brought in at 8am. Waited in the OT room for Dr Sadhana to arrive. She arrived 15 minutes later. Talked to me, explained to me about my surgery. The MO and anasthesist came in, talk to me for a while, injected some medication into my IV and I felt as if I was dreaming and flying into the air, saw a mask put on me then before I knew it I was woken up. That was almost 3 hours later at around 12 noon. The pictures below showed my womb before and after the surgery.


The first picture shows my ovaries. Can you see that white bloated thing? That's my right ovary with all the endometriosis inside. Normal ovary size will only be one eighth of that. So you can imagine how big my cysts are. My womb is behind that ovary. and my left ovary is hidden behind the womb. My tubes are Thank God not blocked just swollen. The third picture shows my shrunk ovaries and the 4th one are all the blood being sucked out. That was one painful surgery but i hope everything goes well after this.

In my previous entry I did mention that we are going to start naturally once my wound heals but then after the surgery, Dr Sadhana suggest that I let my wound heals thoroughly. So she is putting me on a GNHR injection for the next 3 months starting from yesterday to suppressed my hormones and prevent my menses for coming for the next 3 months. This is to prevent the endometriosis to come back and affect my surgery area. So yes. No 2ww for the next 3 months. Just me and hubby enjoying ourself, on our honeymoon once more. Then comes April once my menses arrive, I will call KKIVF and start on my IVF cycle. Let's hope everything goes well after this.

For all those who are having very painful period as well one that is heavy for 2 days then light for the rest of the days pls get yourself check out before your cysts gets too big. Coz if it is small you can reduce it just by taking medication rather than surgery. So learn from me and get yourself check out okay...

I am gonna get some rest now. See you all another time once I am feeling much better.

Friends - Real or Imaginary?

Just a little introduction for the entry coz I do not want people to misunderstand the nature of this entry. I am not writing this because I am angry with the lady friend of mine mention in it. This blog has never been about other people. It is about me. How I am worried about making this site a public one. N how I have lost someone I called a friend. N how I am afraid of losing more friends if they knew about my IF.

Here I am in in this world of IF. I used to be denial saying that it can't be happening to me. Of all people why me? But after 2 years, I began to come to terms with it. Along the way, I have gotten to know people (in real life) that are in the same boat as me. Thinking that they will understand how I felt, I too share my story with them. A few became my close friends, while there is one who has somehow along the way turn her back on me. I am not sure what her reasons are.

Due to this reason I have become more and more sceptical about being friends in real life with people who has face IF. I worry the same thing will happen all over again. It hurts to lose a friend you know. That is why I have kept this blog of mine a faceless one. I appreciate the friendship, advices, wishes and prayers from all you ladies out there. But to make this blog an open one, I am not ready. I have to think of my husband, my family and our friends. What if they stumble about this blog and finds out our problem? Will they remain my friends? Or like the lady I mention above, turn their back on me and leave as if I have a contagious, dreaded disease?

So what happens with that particular lady you may ask? Well, just like me she faces IF too. Just that our issues are totally different. Mine being Male IF factor, hers is because of a blocked fallopian tube. Even after an op to supposedly repair the tube, she was still not able to conceive. During this time, I was trying IUI. After her op, she tried IVF for the first time and with God's Grace, she got pregnant. I was truly happy for her. I prayed for her safe pregnancy and wishes her all the best. But somehow, after telling me that she was pregnant, she suffered a miscarriage. She was angry. She was upset. In fact, I forgave her for the unpleasant things she said to me during the moment of anger. I understood her feelings although I, myself have never experienced such loss before. Since then our friendship began to distance.

6 months later, I happen to stumble upon her blog once again and learn that she has gone through IVF for a second time and now she is pregnant with triplets. I was happy for her. I messaged her and wished her all the best. She didn't reply my message, never return my call and practically blew me off. Why the arrogance? Why the attitude? I understand your need for privacy but since you put it up on the net, it means that you want to share it with people, right? Wrong?

So yes here I am losing a friend. Am I ready to lose more friends? No I am not. But I sure am glad I shared my stories here as through this site, I have manage to "meet" people from all over the world that I can truly call a friend. A real friend to share my ups and downs (which is more common in this journey of overcoming IFs), more real than those that I personally know in real life.

"To all you ladies who has been my pillar of strength, my support, my advisor, I would like to say a HUGE THANK YOU. You are my real friends."

Adoption and Surrogacy...

2 commonly used terms among people in the IF sphere. After trying IUI/IVF for many many years and still not able to conceive, what's next? Adoption or surrogacy? This particular entry of mine is NOT to impose my opinion on others. It is just something I strongly feel about. I apologise in advance if whatever I am going to write will hurt anyone's feelings. This is just MY opinion. To each is his own. Personally if God decides that I am not going to be able to be pregnant with my own kids after IUI/IVF, I will choose adoption over surrogacy.

Before I go into the reasons behind my choice. Let's take a look at what surrogacy is all about. Surrogacy is a method of reproduction whereby a woman agrees to become pregnant and deliver a child for a contracted party. She may be the child's genetic mother (the more traditional form of surrogacy), or she may, as a gestational carrier, carry the pregnancy to delivery after having been implanted with an embryo. Or it could just be donor sperm/egg.

There are 4 types of surrogacy.
(1) In traditional surrogacy (aka the Straight method) the surrogate is pregnant with her own biological child, but this child was conceived with the intention of relinquishing the child to be raised by others; by the biological father and possibly his spouse or partner, either male or female. The child may be conceived via home artificial insemination using fresh or frozen sperm or impregnated via IUI (intrauterine insemination), or ICI (intra cervical insemination) which is performed at a fertility clinic.

(2) In gestational surrogacy (aka the Host method) the surrogate becomes pregnant via embryo transfer with a child of which she is not the biological mother. She may have made an arrangement to relinquish it to the biological mother or father to raise, or to a parent who is themselves unrelated to the child (e. g. because the child was conceived using egg donation, sperm donation or is the result of a donated embryo). The surrogate mother may be called the gestational carrier.

(3) Altruistic surrogacy is a situation where the surrogate receives no financial reward for her pregnancy or the relinquishment of the child (although usually all expenses related to the pregnancy and birth are paid by the intended parents such as medical expenses, maternity clothing, and other related expenses).[1]

(4) Commercial surrogacy is a form of surrogacy in which a gestational carrier is paid to carry a child to maturity in her womb and is usually resorted to by well off infertile couples who can afford the cost involved or people who save and borrow in order to complete their dream of being parents. This procedure is legal in several countries including in India where due to excellent medical infrastructure, high international demand and ready availability of poor surrogates it is reaching industry proportions. Commercial surrogacy is sometimes referred to by the emotionally charged and potentially offensive terms "wombs for rent", "outsourced pregnancies" or "baby farms".

Okay now back to why I choose Adoption over surrogacy. Personally, although I know that adoption will means that that child is not my own, at least I know that I am giving that child a place called home. Surrogacy especially one that uses a donor egg/sperm is firstly NOT ALLOWED in my religion. How I see it is, it is almost similar to having my husband be intimate with another woman and vice versa. This is one of the reasons why I will not be able to see myself using donor eggs/sperms. This is also the reason why I choose to get rid of my frozen embryo once my 10 years for storage is up. I can't foresee knowing that somehow there are "my kids" running around out there that I don't know about. What if in the long run, that kid meet with my kid and they fell in love. Wouldn't that be a HUGE disaster??? So yes, if Fate has it that I am not meant to be a mother to my own kids, I will resort to Adoption and be a mother to kids that are need.

P.S: No harm is intended from this entry of mine. I am just stating my own opinion. Hope I didn't hurt anyone whether intentionally or unintentionally.

4 more days and counting down

I have been counting down and it is 4 more days to my surgery. Was out with hubby to the market today. Yes I go to the market. That might be surprising. But yes I do cook. From time to time. Ermmmm okay ocassionally....

We went to the market to get some ingredients for the dishes that I am going to prepare. What am I going to prepare? Still tentative I think. My mind says one thing but my body says another. I am still getting back into gear after my vacation. That's the thing about holidays. You feel tired way after the vacation is over. N have I mention that I have still ALOT of laundry to do. Luckily my housekeeper is coming in today. At least she can help me with the ironing and vacuuming and mopping. Yup I do only stay in a 5 Room Flat but the cleaning can take me ages to do.

We have bought some chicken, beef and prawns.All of them are in the fridge right now. I am just procrastinating on what to do. Hubby just left for work. He is on afternoon shif today. He has promised to help me with the frying when he gets back... So yes while I am fretting over what to cook for this coming Sunday, time is ticking.

Keep me in your prayers okay ladies. If I don't get to write till my surgery, I wish all ladies who are doing their IVF/IUI cycle all the best. To those waiting for the BT, good luck and May God Bless you with a bundle of joy soon.

On time as usual

As usual, the dreaded visitor came to visit in the wee hours of the morning. On the dot Day 29. In my 27 years (15 years of receiving her visits), never once had she been late. I used to think how lucky I was but then now that I am on this route, I just wish that for once she comes later than usual. But I guess not.

Now with her presence, I can start counting down to the 10th of December. Of course I am not looking forward to it but if it going to make my journey to parenthood a little smoother so be it. Hubby was lying on the sofa then he called for me. He held me in his arms and mumbled something. He said he did not like that I had to go through surgery. I said then perhaps he can go through it for me. N what he said next brought tears to my eyes. If I could I would. How romantic is that?

I mean after being together for almost 7 years and married for 4, you wouldn't expect that sort of thing, would you? We love each other, I love him more than anything else. We still walk hand in hand, feed each other food and steal a kiss once in a while in public. But we are not the kind that verbalise our feelings. We usually show our feelings through our everyday actions rather than through words. But what he said yesterday was truly very sweet and it touched me deeply.

So here I am right now, waiting for my surgery date. Am I scared? Of course I am. Am I worried? Definitely. During the surgery, you never know what's going to happen since you are under anasthesia. Will I wake up only to discover that the worst had happen? Well for now, I am just going to think positive and remain strong for both me and hubby. I can't look scared or worried in front of hubby as it will affect him. I know I can get through this. Insya Allah.

I am BACK!!!

Did anyone miss me while I was gone? Hehehe... I know I am shameless. But well to tell you the truth I miss you ladies. I miss reading your entry, your comments etc.

"To Lisa, CONGRATS girl. Both you and hubby deserve all the happiness after all that you have been through."

So where have I been? I have been here...

I truly enjoyed myself. We had a difficult time when it comes to food at Disneyland. But when we were in Hong Kong itself, we were in a food and shopping paradise. There were so many Muslim food available. I was in heaven. For a moment I did forget about my pending surgery and my postponed IVF treatment. I was living the moment.

Now that I am back, I am starting to worry about the outcome of my surgery and the possibility of our dreams coming true. With God's Grace it will happen. It is just that we don't know when. To all those whom I have missed your BFP - Congrats from me. Pls take care of yourself and the little one. Have a smooth 9 months ahead.

Alyssa_r - How are your treatments coming along. Hope to hear good
news from you soon.

Liana, Farhan & Juliah - Where have you ladies
been? Hope you ladies are doing well. Do keep in touch ok.

Today could have been the start

As I woke up this morning, I felt so surreal. A little empty inside too. I mean I have been looking forward to this day for a very long time. Then when the time drew nearer, Fate plays a cruel joke on me. N here I am looking at the calendar and wishing that today could have been the day that I start my Lucrin Injections. Ahhhh....

Sorry people I am just trying to let it go. I have always been a control freaked. I need to be in control of my life. But when I started facing IF, control was the last thing that I had. My body just decides to do what it feels like doing. Just like how this cysts have decided to grow so out of proportion and now I am just waiting for my surgery date.

When I read the IVF support group thread, I sometimes feel like I want to leave a note/message but then what do I know about IVF when I havent even done it before? I am happy for every single one of them who has started or who are going to start the cycle soon. For those of them who are in the midst of the cycle, my prayers are with them. Hoping that they will achieve the success that they had dream of for the longest time ever. As for me, yes April will be the month I will start on the cycle, provided nothing else gets in the way. Could it be earlier? I don't think so as at this point of time I don't think I want to miss work.

Yes! At the current moment, I am still thinking about work. I really respect all the ladies in the thread that has quit their job to be on this journey. I don't think I can afford it. I still want my financial independence. I really do not like to be fully dependent on my hubby. Not that I don't trust him or anything but at this current moment, I can do what I want with my own money. Purchase all the books I want to meet my needs for intellectual stimulation, travel with him around the world, eat out with my family and friends. But without work, I have to put all these aside. Am I willing to let go of that? Seriously? NO.

Yes I am being selfish. But this is for my own sanity. Can you imagine what I will become if I were to quit my job and then this journey doesn't end the way I want it to be? Anyway, hopefully with me working I will be able to do more cycles if (touch wood) the first try doesnt work.

Okay got to go now. Gotta pack my luggage. I am leaving in 2 days and my luggage is still empty. Just too lazy to do it. But I am looking forward to the trip. Hahaha... How much more confused can I get?

Oh oh... Tell me...

It is not what I think it is. In the many months that I have been married. This is the first time I am wishing and praying that that was not a sign. This is the first time I wish "it" won't happen. Seriously I was not sure what it was. It is way to early to say anything. But suddenly today, out of no where, I had a crampy feeling in my lower abdomen. I have read somewhere that a sudden pain in your lower abdomen could be a sign of the cysts getting in the way of the normal system, perhaps a twisting of the tube etc.

"Ya Allah. Sesungguhnya kau Maha Mengetahui. Please keep me save and healthy to go through with the pending surgery. I pray to You, please do not let there be any complications. Please guide the Doctor's hands to remove what was suppose to be remove and leave what is not suppose to be removed in there save and sound."

My tummy feels so bloated today. It is making me so uncomfortable. I feel so full in the upper abdomen and crampy feeling in the lower abdomen. I couldn't take the pain, decide to pop a panadol. N after which I manage to catch a short nap while waiting for hubby to come back from his soccer game. The weather didn't look too good. It was definitely good for sleeping in. The heavy rain, dark clouds, lightning and thunder. I was scared but lucky my weekly housekeeper was there to keep me company. She went about her work while I catch a nap on the sofa. Woke up feeling refresh now. Perhaps I am gonna continue reading my book and finish it today. See whether I am up to it.

Swept me off my feet

Where have I been the last few days? Well on the fertility side nothing much really. My ovulation day come and go without me fretting over it. I mean I was reminded to have either abstinence or safe sex to prevent any accidental pregnancy just before the surgery. Well total abstinence was out of the question of course... So yes there were some actions but we were careful. VERY CAREFUL!!! So no 2WW this months. There will not be any 2 WW for another 2-3 months. I am making sure I am truly well before we actively try again. This doesn't me that we are not gonna try. We might start once my wound heals but we are not trying actively, no medication, no injection. All naturale... Then if still nothing, when April comes, we will start our IVF cycle.

So what have I planned for this holiday? Well since I am moving to a new work environment, I will be busy preparing work materials. There are just far too many files and boxes in my store right now. Need to sought them out before I go for surgery.

By the way, since my IVF cycle is postponed, me and hubby bringing my parents and sister to Hong Kong/Disneyland next week. Yup I will be going for a short holiday. My family has been everything for me. They have always been there for me when I needed them so this is sort of my gift to them.

Since last week, I have been swept of my feet a couple of times. Not by any person in particular. People who knows me will know that I LOVE READING. But due to busy schedule that has slowed down tremendously. Last week, my sister has introduced me to 2 wonderful writers: Susan Elizabeth Phillips and Jodi Picoult.The first book by Susan that I read is called "Kiss An Angel".

It blew me away. The story is funny, sensual and at times makes you feel the same way as the characters in her books. YOu might laugh with them and cry with them. Went out with a good friend of mine and bought 2 more books of hers. That isnt satisfying enough. So I bought a few more ONLINE!!! Bless whoever created online shopping. Hehehe... Hubby might freaked out when my packages start arriving from 3rd December onwards...

Currently reading the above.

Well, I love reading books by a certain author I won't be satisfied until I have read every one of their books. So yes, I am going to occupy my holidays doing the things I love doing. Travelling and Reading.

So OUR journey continues...

But in a totally different direction. Mama, dad and sis accompanied me to the hospital today.

Thanks to Allah for my wonderful family.They have been my pillar of strength since I was young till now that I am a married woman. They have never failed to be a part of my life whether good or bad.

Not having hubby by my side was difficult but having mama there beside me throughout my 4 hours there was more than enough. I went for another vaginal scan. I guess I have made really good friends with that 'dildo' look a like thingy. Hehehe...

I arrived as early as 8.30am at KKH. Met Nurse Josephine at the registration counter and was registered as a walk in. WIth so many people outside, I am amazed that Dr Sadhana managed to squeeze me into her schedule. Was sent to another Clinic A for a scan. Did my usual business. This is becoming a routine already. After which was given the picture of my scan. Looking from my untrained eyes, I can even tell where the cysts are. looking at the scan I already know something needs to be done. They were huge. But being not medically trained, of course I had to wait till teh report was out.

Went back to se Dr Sadhana. Was told by Nurse Josephine that my report will only be out in 1 hours time. With a rumbling tummy, looked at dad and asked whether we could go out to have breakfast. Off we went... SO where did we go? Here...


Although not many of the stalls are open, we managed to get to a stall by the corner. The food is nice. I had noodle soup, dad had chicken porridge, sis had mee hongkong and mama ate rice with chap chye. To those of you not in the 2ww or doing any procedure at the moment, go ahead and try the top 10 dishes.

Okay back to my appointment. Went back to hospital at 11am. Waited a while. Met with Dr Sadhana. She pointed out the report to me. So here it goes...

I have 1 cyst on my left ovary measuring 58mm, 2 cysts on my right ovary measuring 54mm and 34mm. Darn!!!! They are huge. No wonder I have such painful periods. The cysts are not cancerous. Thank Allah for that. But my previous guess was wrong. I don't have the 3rd type of cysts. Mine is the endometrial cysts.

Dr Sadhana has scheduled a bilateral laparoscopy/cystectomy/hydrotubation (that is alot of surgery at one go for someone who is scared of needles but since she is opening me up might as well do all at one time.)on the 10th of December 2008. According to her as I came early, she won't have to remove my ovaries. Just remove the cysts. That's another blessing once again. However she did mention that with this kind of cysts, usually it will reduce the number of egss produced during the IVF procedure. My question is Will there still be egg? YES and that is all that matters.

So yes there you go. That's our journey for the time being. If you read the right hand side of my blog, you will notice that there is some changes in our journey. Our 1st IVF cycle for #1 will start in April 2009. With God's grace that is. Insya Allah.

What a bummer!!!

I was getting ready to go out with hubby when I received a call from an unfamiliar number. Usually I will never pick up a call from an unknown caller. But today was different. I answered and I was greated by a very soft-spoken lady whom I remembered clearly - Dr Sadhana. After my Friday's sonogram, I was expecting her call actually but I didn't know that it was gonna be this soon. She voiced her concern about the many cysts in my ovaries. She was also concern about their sizes.

Hey to tell you the truth, since Friday I was concern too. I was worried.

She did mention that if I wanna do the IVF I need to do a surgery to first remove the cysts. Well yup... There goes my IVF journey for the time being. It has come to a screeching halt. Was I upset? Surprising no... I was much stronger than I expected myself to be. No tears, nothing. In fact I was calm. When she asked me to come down tomorrow for another scan, I was ready. In fact even if the size of the cysts are not that big, I might still go for the surgery after all. Just to be sure that my body is in its most prime condition for the IVF procedure.

So yes Alyssa_r, I will not be able to be you cycle buddy this time around. I wish all the best for you. May you achieve your dreams in the nearest time possible.

Some of you might wonder. Wasn't I so eager and excited to start on this IVF journey? YES I was. In fact I am still excited about the journey and the possibility of it. But I am more concern in getting rid of this persistent back ache that I am having as well as the horrible monthly AF. Perhaps with the cysts removed, things will improved for me. No more squirming and screaming in pain everytime AF come to visit.

Wasn't I the least upset? 1 week ago I might have sat down on the floor crying over the obstacles after obstacles that I am faced with. But today, no I am not upset. Coz after my appointment with the MSW I have learnt to let go. I have learnt that there are so much you can plan for but some things are just beyond your comprehension and reach. I have 2 ways of looking at this. Sit down and mourn about my life or get back on my feet and do the best I can to face whatever obstacles that is put in our path. I have a new motto in life:

"We all fail at some point in life. It is not the failing that hurts but rather knowing that we didn't try our best. As long as you have done your best, lift up your head... life must go on"

Dr Google answers to CYSTS...

My lower back is starting to ache again. What's wrong with me? Is it even back sprain at all or is it something more serious? Asking Dr Google cause me to be more suspicious of this lower back pain. I really do not want to take any more painkillers. I hope this will improves on it its own somehow.

Alright let us handle one issue at a time. The first issue that was of great concern for me was the A LOT of CYSTS comments by Dr Saline Sonogram... So I did my research and questionings and this was what I got.

There are 3 types of ovarian cysts. Mainly follicular cysts,corpus luteum cyst and theca lutein cysts.

(1) Follicular Cysts
Follicular cysts are hands down the most frequent types of cysts that occur in the ovaries. These cysts can often be found more than one per ovary and measure from a few millimeters (tiny) to a 15-centimeter (6-inch) cyst. They are best diagnosed with ultrasound, because your doctor can see inside it to make sure there are no suspicious solid areas.

What are the most common symptoms of follicular cysts?

In addition to the pain from fluid or blood leaking out and the abnormal uterine bleeding (abnormal periods), other symptoms can occur. Some of these are annoying, such as a pressure feeling in the pelvis, and some are basically surgical emergencies such as torsion (twisting of the ovary on it’s own blood supply), which is a wrenching pain that can double you over, cause nausea, then let go, only to repeat itself over an over. If this happens, you should act on it rapidly or you can lose one of your ovaries, because the blood supply to it is cut off.

How are follicular cysts treated?

The truth is that if you wait, almost all ovarian follicular cysts will just go away. Surgery is not needed in most cases, and most often your doctor will simply repeat the ultrasound in about 6 to 8 weeks. In the vast majority of cases, the cyst disappears on its own by silently leaking and rupturing.

My Comments: Great!!! After all that I have to wait again. 6 - 8 weeks somemore. perhaps all these waiting months after months have resulted in all those cysts in there.

(2) Corpus Luteum Cysts (CLC)

Another type of physiologic or functional cyst is known as a corpus luteum cyst (CLC). These are less frequent than a follicular cyst but can cause more problems and emergencies, especially internal bleeding. Why do you need to know the difference? Because your doctor is likely to throw names around that distinguish between these cysts and the specific dangers and treatment options. These cysts also produce different hormones that affect your body and hormone balance. If you don’t know the difference, you can be fooled into thinking something is safe when it is not or getting a surgery that you don’t need.

You can get some of these cysts during early pregnancy, which is perfectly normal. They usually go away by the second trimester. Some do not, and if they do not look suspicious on the ultrasound, it is safe to leave them alone. In most cases, they eventually go away after pregnancy.

How do you know if you have a CLC?

A missed period followed by some spotting, one-sided pelvic pain and a pelvic examination, which finds a tender ovarian mass, suggest that a persistent CLC is the culprit. It is important to make sure, however, that a pregnancy test is ordered, because these same findings may be there for an ectopic pregnancy (tubal pregnancy). An ultrasound may not be able to tell these two apart and the treatment would be completely different. There is another nonphysiologic cyst, which can cause similar symptoms, called an "endometrioma" that you need to be familiar with. That is treated in yet another way, often involving surgery, and is a whole separate topic.

When a CLC ruptures, the amount of bleeding and/or pain may cause this to be a surgical emergency. This is unusual, but there are medications and herbs you may be taking that could make it much worse. In particular, these include aspirin, non-steroidal anti-inflammatory drugs (e.g. ibuprofen), Vitamin E and ginko biloba. There are others, but basically stay away from anything that may "thin the blood" and cause easy bruising or bleeding. Review all the medications, herbals and supplements you are taking with your regular doctor and/or nutritionist or naturopathic doctor.

Unfortunately, one third of women (33%) who have a problem with bleeding from a CLC will have it happen again, possibly over and over. So knowing what to avoid can save more than one trip to the operating room or possibly even your life.

By the way, pelvic pain with or without ovarian cysts being present does not mean the pain is coming from a gynecologic organ. In other words, there are other things down there in your pelvis. You could have appendicitis or other bowel problems, which have nothing to do with your gynecologic organs.

If surgery is necessary because of bleeding, it is often possible to do it through a laparoscope (bandaid surgery). Usually the ovary does not have to be removed. Only the cyst is removed and bleeding stopped.

If the cyst is NOT ruptured, and there is no bleeding or torsion, it is reasonable to avoid surgery and “wait it out." Why? Because surgery, no matter how small, causes scars or adhesions to form. You want to avoid surgery if your doctor thinks it is safe based on all of the things you just read about.

(3) Theca Lutein Cysts

The least common type of physiologic or functional cysts are called "theca lutein cysts" (TLC). The key difference is that these are usually multiple, on both ovaries, and occur all at the same time. Each of these cysts can be 1cm to 10cm in size, so if there are multiple cysts, the ovaries can be massively enlarged: up to 20 to 30cm (about 10 inches or more) on both sides. How does this happen? The answer is simply hormonal overstimulation of the ovaries due to pregnancy.

Most often this occurs due to very high beta-hCG levels (a hormone of pregnancy) often seen with twins or abnormalities called "molar pregnancy," where the placenta develops but the fetus does not. This is a highly oversimplified explanation, but the point is that high levels of hCG stimulate the ovary. The reason for this overstimulation should be evaluated. Sometimes these cysts can even look like cancer to the untrained eye. Quite a scare, but usually you just need to ask the right questions and in most cases it is not cancer.

My Comments: Ask the right questions??? What if I don't know what questions to ask? Cant the Dr just explain to me what time of cysts I am having the moment they see these things? I believe I have the last type of cysts. I mean after going through IUI twice, the risk of over stimulation is possible right? I usually have a perfect 7 days cycle but since 2006, my cycle have dwindled to 4 - 5days. Of course I wasn't complaining then but now perhaps I should have brought it up to my then gynae. Hmmm...

My trip to the clinic...

This is going to be a long entry. An entry full of questions and perhaps graphic in nature. A little Too Much Information too... So if you are not up for a long whiny entry, please skip this one. Some basic information first. The text in black is my normal entry, italics is me thinking out loud and white are text/answers I got from Dr Google.

I consider yesterday to be my first major step towards this IVF journey. It was the day I meet up with my Medical Social Worker as well as my Saline Sonogram. How come no one told me that the sonogram can be one painful experience? It was nothing like the HCG. Okay let's do this one apointment at a time.

Appointment with Medical Social Worker (MSW) @ 2pm

We arrived a little early. Thus decide to have breakfast/lunch at Macdonald's. Arrived at the MSW office 5 minutes to 2pm. But she was not around. So we waited. Me getting anxious by the minute as I have another appointment at the Digital Imaging site. She came back at 2.30pm after being called by the receptionist. She is this very nice lady who is warm. She make us feel at ease. We spoke. She even told us about her IVF journey. The ups and downs that we should be thinking about and expecting. She said she like my positive nature and she hopes that my positive nature will give me a slightly higher chance of success. She also asked us to start thinking of our Risk Management Plan. She says at the end of this journey, there is a result - either +ve or -ve. So what happens if it is +ve? N what happens if it is -ve? If it is +ve and we have twins what are we gonna do? Well, me and hubby have talked and have discussed. So generally the session was a breeze. We ended the session with her wishing me good luck on this journey. She also said that she is a little greedy so she wished that I have 2. I like her and I believe I can relate to her as she knows how I feel and what I am going through. She left me her card with her number and email address on it. Thus I will be emailing her soon. To thank her for a wonderful afternoon. We spent about 45 minutes in her office. At 3.15pm, we made our way to the Digital Imaging office. N this were my horror starts. Well i am exaggerating a little here.

Saline Sonogram @ 3pm

I registered at the reception. The nurse fumbled with my registration. She wasn't sure of what she was clicking. That set us back by another 15 minutes. Well, never mind I wasn't really in any hurry. I wasn't really looking forward to this actually. But since my Dr requested for it, I went ahead with it. After registration, I made my went with the nurse and was told to change into a robe. After changing, signed some papers and was told to go for a scan. AGAIN!!! I just did last month. But never mind. So I was brought to the scanning area via the back way. Everyone else in the waiting area was in their normal clothes and I was in a robe. That was fun. N hubby isnt there with me. To cut the story short, I went in for scan. The person who did it was some Filipino lady and did she pressed on my lower abdomen. I cringe at every pics taken. I can feel her pressing on my pelvic bone. D*&m.

Then she asked me to clear my bladder which I did. Was brought to another room. The person there asked me to wait for the doctor to come. While waiting she looked at my scan and asked me to empty my bladder again as it was full. What??? I seriously don't feel like emptying my bladder anymore. But I tried. Came back. Dr was there. Spoke to the other nurse and said in a voice that is neither too soft nor too loud. BUt still it was loud enough for me to hear. "There is a lot of cysts in there?" Excuse me, define alot here? Give me a slight explanation pls. But no!!! she's gonna give my results to my Dr and my appointment with my dr is only in January. Hello!!!! How to wait so long? What if these cysts have been the reason why I have painful periods and why we have yet to conceive?

After looking through my scans, she started with my saline sonogram. The nurse said it was gonna be like my pap smear exam. But no!!! That was not be. First she raised the bed. Then the Dr said. I can't see. She might have retroverted uterus. WHAT???? Repeat that pls... Hmmm... She raised me higher and proceeded with putting in the speculum. Wow that was the longest pap smear exam I have. After the speculum was in, she washed my "inside" with saline solution. I can feel the crampy feeling. It was worse then my monthly period. N for this, i cant even move. Then she inflate the balloon so that when the inject the saline solution, it won't come out. That makes me feel worse. An inflated balloon down there. SHUCKS!!!!

She proceeded with the procedure. A few minutes later I was told it was over. The crampy feeling was horrible. As i got up the bed, I saw some bleeding on the bed. Went to change and waited a bit before was discharged by the nurse. After that i have so many questions in my head. Cysts, retoverted uterus... So many questions, so little answers. Should I email the Dr and get an answer? Or should I just proceed with my IVF journey? What if all the above will affect the outcome of my IVF journey? Hmmm....

WOW!!! This has been a very long entry. Perhaps I shall post Dr Googles answer in another entry. Time for me to get change and go to my mum's place again. Hubby is working night shift again. Till my next entry.

I am Back!!!

Ouch!!!!!!!!!!!! I am in pain. A little crampy, a little bleeding. Going to sleep over at my mum's place tonight. Hubby working night shift today. I will update again when I get back tomorrow morning. That is if I am up for it. Got lots of things to write. I am currently very concern about a few issues. But I shall go and rest first, check with Dr Google tomorrow and I will update. Hope the rest of you have had a good day. Yeah!!! The weekend is here.

Short Update

Just a short update from me. Got to go and get ready for my appointment at KK. Hope the sonogram goes well. Hope nothing is wrong with my uterine wall. Oh God, pls listen to my prayers and answer it.

I have not been updating due to a tight and busy schedule at work. Meeting and reports to be done and since result of my transfer is out, I have been busy clearing and packing my desk too... Okay back to my journey to motherhood.

So far everything is going smoothly. I have been trying to keep myself healthy for this cycle. Drinking milk, eating right, light exercise and meditating for a calm mind. Other than that it has been waiting and more waiting. But I am glad and thankful that I have a supportive hubby and family. YES!!! I have finally broke the news to my mum and dad. I mean, they brought us to the hospital last week remember when I had my blood test. So after that, we went for breakfast and we talked and chatted and we decide to let them in on it. We did tell them however, the results might not be positive all the time. Mama being the very religious one in the family, reminds me that what matters the most is we have tried and done our best. The outcome is beyond our control. We have to have faith in God's action. Mum and dad are very supportive in our journey. My sis is too young to understand ( I think she is but in actual fact she is much more mature than her age). My bro was informed of our plans some time back when I told him I had to save lots of money. (Not sure whether he remembered but the fact is he knows).

I am actually glad that they know what I going through. I mean it is then easier for me to discuss issues with my mum and dad won't say things that he feels might hurt our feelings and as for the rest of our relatives, at least mama can help to fend off all questions on my behalf. I know I am very lucky in this aspect as not many have such an understanding family. MY DEAR FAMILY, I LOVE YOU!!!

Okay now back to what I was supposed to write. Warning: There will be TMI.You know the 2 - 3 weeks before you start your lucrin injection where you are told to practice safe sex/abstinence? How do you gals do it? Hubby and I have not been practising safe since we first did it. I mean there was no sex before marriage and the moment we got married there was no BCP or condoms... N now to make that purchase at the pharmacy... hmmm...I am feeling a little shy here and to have complete abstinence, that's even tougher. So how??? Well, we will see how it goes today. We might make a purchase (even if we buy one, we have never use it, we might just stumble when putting it on. Hahahah) or perhaps we will just wait it out.

Okay it seems that my short update has become a long one. Hehehe... Time for me to really go and get ready. I will update again soon with regards to my appointment today.

Speed bump overcame

The day once again started off on a bad note for me. I had difficulty sleeping again. Was kept awake by hubby's snoring. Went out of the bed room at 2am, guess manage to nap for an hour. Woke up at 3am and went back into the room. But still couldn't get to sleep. Went back to the sofa at 3.30am. I think while watching "Fashion House" I manage to fall asleep again. But I was once again woken up at around 4.20am. Went back into the bedroom and somehow manage to sleep despite the snoring. N before I knew it my alarm rang at 5.45am, a signal for me to wake up to go to work. Oh what a headache I had the moment I woke up. Don't even ask how groggy I was. I could have snapped at hubby at any time. Luckily he didn't ask any questions.

Went off to work, had breakfast and attended the meeting. I was still holding on to my hp and waiting for that phone call. By 11am when I didnt received any call, I decided to pick up the phone and give them a call. Not easy to get through. Must have been a busy morning. I can imagine seeing all the nurses running around to settle all the cases that they have for the morning. I do feel for them. Some of the nurses are really trying their very best to help us. I can't say for all but most of them are trying and I shouldn't have gotten upset yesterday. But with hormones running wild in me and my anxiety attack, you can't blame me for getting irritated okay.

Okay back to the phone call. After approximately the 7th time, there was finally a ringing tone. Spoke to a nurse, I believe her name was Sara. Very sweet sounding lady. I told her how someone was supposed to call me back but never did. She tried to get my records. She said she thought she saw it somewhere. She put me on hold and when she got back to me she said that she will call me back within the next 10 minutes. Promise!! That was so sweet of her.

N true enough she did call me back within the next 10 minutes. She asked me some general questions, told me that all my blood works came back normal and told me i can come down to the clinic on the 26th of November for my lucrin injections. So there you go... Speed bump overcame.

I just need to be more relax and not be so kancheong. I am sure the nurses know what they are doing and they won't go to the extent of losing my case file. See what wild hormones can do to the brain. I need to go occupy myself before I start thinking of things I am not supposed to be thinking of. Whatever that may be. Till my next entry.

I shall leave you with my bloodwork results:

FSH --> 6.2 -->1.7 - 7.7
LH -->3.3 -->1.0 - 11.4
E2 -->92.9 --> 36.7 - 404

Prolactin -->13.4 -->5.0 - 27.7

Testosterone --> 0.7 -->0.2 - 3.00

Progesterone -->41.2 -->24.7 - 86.8

The first column is the types of hormones they are checking for, the second number is my results and the 3rd column is the reference range. So I guess base on the results, all my results are within the reference range thus it's good. Time for me to sleep. No more thinking of what's next. At least not for the next 2 days. Will be back at the clinic on Friday.

A little speed bump in our journey

Alright now!!! To whoever is reading my blog can you please help explain to me what is going on back at the hospital. So far this is what happen. I had my hormonal blood test on Saturday. Was told to call back on Monday for the results as well as the date when I can collect my lucrin injections. On that Saturday, I have also submitted my marriage cert as requested. One of the nurse told me to come back one day to sign the consent forms which I told her that I have already done together with the nurse and the doctor. Then she said ok.

So today I made the phone call to the clinic to get my blood test results. The person who answered my call said they will call me back. So I waited. I was in the cab about to fetch my husband, someone called me. She asked me when can I come down to sign the consent forms. To which I explain we have already done. Together with the doctor and the nurse. Then she said she will call again which up till now I have not received. Come on!!!! What's going on? I have already signed the forms. All of it should be in my files. Check it pls. Or have you lost my file somewhere... Pls dont tell me I have to do any more test because of your carelessness.

Okay I shall not stress myself out. I shall call them once again tomorrow and see what they have to say. I know they are very busy. Helping me and many more ladies out there to achieve our dreams. Just please don't tell me that you have lost my file. That would really piss me off... Time to go and rest. Back to work tomorrow. Meeting first thing in the morning.

One more baby step

I was looking forward to this day. Looking forward to doing my blood work then I can start my IVF cycle. However, it started very badly. Hubby was working night shift yesterday. I had asked my mum to come over this morning at 7am to bring me to the hospital. However at around 10pm just before hubby went to work, I was starting to experience lower back ache. It was hurting quite a bit. Hubby got the hot and cold pack and placed it on my back. It improved a little. Sent him to the door and I was back at my favourite sofa. Lying down makes the hurt worse. Thus I sat on the floor with my hands stretched out on the coffee table. It helps lessen the pain and somehow I manage to fall asleep.

Woke up at 1.45am. Had pins and needles on my leg but my back doesnt hurt anymore. Went into my room and hope that it remains the way it is. Out of a sudden, I was woken up with a sharp pang in my lower back. Looked at the watch and it was 2.45am. WHAT!!! i have only slept for 1 hour. Oh no!!! I am sleepy and tired but the hurt was so bad. I can't sit, I can't lie down, i cant walk. I toss and turn in bed and tried to go back to sleep but the pain was just unbearables. Called hubby at his workplace. My tears just flowed when I talked to him. I can sense his concern. How he was worried that I was all alone at home and in pain. He asked me to called my mum. At first I do not want to as it is so early in the morning and I might just worry her. But at around 3.30am, the pain got so bad. Slight movement will result in me screaming in pain. It was that painful... (or perhaps my threshold of pain was just not that high)

Mama arrived 15 minutes later. I literally crawled to open the door for her. She started massaging for me. When the pain did not subside, my bro being the medic that he is, called the ambulance and I was brought to the hospital. I was in pain throughout the journey. I cant lie straight. It was the worse journey for me. Once i reached the hospital, they took my blood pressure and did nothing else. Waited and waited and waited. What the heck??? Where the hell is the doctor? After the longest 30 minutes wait, the doctor came and look at me. N I mean look. He just looked, no touching or checking and diagnosed me with muscle strain and gave me an injection of painkiller. N asked me to wait it out. You gave me a painkiller injection of course the pain subsided. N the nurse who gave me the injection, don't even let me start on her. This is the worse service I have gotten from a govt. hospital. But it was not a shocker. I have received a poor service from them before.

They asked me to do a urine test to confirm that I was not pregnant. HELLO!!! Didnt I tell you that I am currently having my menses. Whatever. Did it for the sake of doing it. Told me that I was not pregnant? WOW!!! How smart of you? Even i can tell you that. Then he send me for an x ray to check that it was not kidney stones. At around 7am, doctor came back and tell that they cant detect any kidney stones. Diagnose me with muscle sprain and gave me some muscle relaxant, painkillers and a 3 day Outpatient Sick Leaves.

Went to mama's place after that, ate some bread, took medication and sleep and waited for hubby to come back before we make our way to the next hospital where we are getting our fertility treatment. After being treated so badly at the first hospital, it was nice to have a decent treatment for once. The senior nurse who took my blood was kind enough to chat me through it knowing that I had needles and injections. How she speak to me on her past patients. I was once again positive about govt hospitals. If only all govt hospitals will provide such good service. Anyway, hubby and me had a good laugh at the payment counter. We lauged at how I had to donate blood and at the same time make payments for it and it was not a cheap one. It set us back by $140.81... Well, mama commented that if we have this baby/babies, it is gonna be one expensive baby/babies.

Alright, it has been a long entry. time to take my medication and rest. My back is starting to feel the strain. Hope you ladies had a better day today. N I saw many ladies at the Fertility Clinic today. Could one of you be one of the ladies I have made friends with here? Hmmm... I will never know will I. I am just wishing that all of us will achieve our dreams soon...

"She" came with a vengence

Today is only the 6th. I wasn't expecting her visit till a day later. But this morning I woke up to a very wet you know where. I went to the living room and told hubby that AF might have visited a day earlier. No fairy tale ending like what I have prayed and hoped for. Was I upset? Well... after almost 45 months of trying, I have started getting use to it. Her visit is nothing out of the ordinary. Not getting her visit would be a miracle.

SO what happened today? Well we, Hubby and I had plan to go out and spend some quality time together but I told Hubby perhaps we should wait it out a little. If today is really my CD 1 then I will have to make some phone calls. We waited till noon and it was confirmed. So I grabbed the hp and make the call to the clinic. Was wondering whether I should come in tomorrow or Saturday for the blood test. They said they are open on Saturday from 0730 to 12 noon. So I have decided. Saturday, 8th November, it is for the blood test. Then one more phone call to the digital imaging. The lady said she will ask the person in charge to call me back in a while. 10 minutes later, an appointment was set for the 14th of November for my saline sonogram at 3pm. One last phone call after that... The medical social worker sounded so sweet. I felt so comfortable with her. I believe I will be at ease when talking to her. I have been in her position before. So yes appointment with medical social worker will be on the 14th of November at 2pm.

With all that done, we got ready and went out. By this time, I was having the worse cramp ever. It was so painful that it was so difficult to walk. Hubby and I had lunch before making our way to the movies. The latest bond movie is cool and action pack. Halfway through the movie I began to get this painful cramps, like someone pulling and twisting and turning my ovaries inside out. I started shifting from right to left and to right again. All I can think about now is going home and lying on my soft bed. Somehow I fell asleep midst the pain. I woke up somewhere when bond was caught in an explosion. Hmmmm.....

Back to the pain, it was on and off. The cab ride back was making my back hurts. It was a nice date with hubby but I was miserable because of the cramps. my boob.s are hurting too... Did I mention that there was no hints of her arrival? Usually I will have spotting on CD1 and CD 2 will be when I get my full flow. There was a slight change this month. Was it because of the change in my diet? Or does my body knows that there is going to be more changes to come?

What ever it is... It is official!!! Today is my CD 1 and I am ready to embark on my next journey. IVF here we come...

2 days to go...

The last few days have been really horrible for me. I was really tired. Exhausted more like it. I have been peeing like every 2 hours. My boob.s hurts like crazy. My stomach is bloated like nobody's business. People can mistake me for being 12 - 14 weeks pregnant. (If only I was, then I won't be here complaining)Come on AF won't you just make your appearance already!!!

I have been sleeping a lot. Not sure what's wrong but my body's system is a bit out this month. My cough, flu and fever could be partly to blame but the temperature has gone down for a while now. So what's up man!!! I am counting down to Friday. Then it will be blood test on Saturday. Please let it be Saturday. i wouldn't want to go alone on Monday, especially not for a blood test. Then there are the many phone calls I have to make.

(1) Call medical social worker for an appointment

(2) Call the digital imaging department for my saline sonogram

(3) Call KKIVF about my hormonal blood test.

All these to be done on Friday. Guess I will do it after I come back from work. I am not telling anyone at work about this. No one will understand my situation. Everyone at my work place seems to be super fertile. Questions never seem to stop. Especially the first 2 years of my marriage. Then they just stopped asking up front. But the talk behind your back never did.

How come she is still not pregnant? Is she planning? Is she not able to have kids? But how come she has gain so much weight since the wedding?

Stop with the questions already. N please mind your own business. Stop talking behind my back will you? The walls have ears. Don't you know? Even if you don't say it out loud. Sooner or later it will reach me somehow. Just please give me a break. I can't wait to get out of here.

Show and Tell (1)

Dear ladies, I have found a very interesting site that you may want to join where you can share things every week. Click here for more information.

Okay where do I start. This is the first time I am sharing so I am not sure whether what I am sharing is interesting at all... I love cooking but I hate cleaning up. But due to work commitments I seldom do any cooking and since there are only 2 of us at the moment, we usually get take outs but on days that I feel like being a house wife, I will cook up a storm. Check out the following dishes I have tried cooking during the festive season...

Prawn Chili

Chicken cooked in red chilli

Chicken Rice with soup

BBQ Chicken in Black Sauce

Yum yum... Boy am I making myself hungry... Care to have some???