My wishes for all

Something happened I do not know how to reversed it. I was reading Flower's site - With God All Things Are Possible. I wanted to leave a comment for her but then I got a message saying a Pop Up Blocker is activated but when I checked it was not... Well I hope Flower drops by here. I really want to wish her all the best for her upcoming lining check as well as FET on the 20th. My prayers are for you dear. You have been a very good friend with a shoulder for me to lean on during my difficult moment. I would like to be here for you too...

I will be going for my check up with gynae tomorrow. To find out what went wrong on my first cycle. I am not blaming anyone. It was just not meant to be. Not the right time yet. But I will definitely going to aske her about my poor response to the medication. I mean they only managed to retrieve 8 eggs. So yeah. Perhaps I will ask her whether she can increase my Puregon dosage. Other than that, the rest is in God's hands.

Life for me has been pretty mundane. Everyday I will do some household chores. After which I will be preparing to have tuition assignments with my students. Life has been like that since my failed cycle. Nothing much to report. Just that I have booked a family vacation to a very beautiful island in Malaysia. We will be leaving on the 24th of July. That is what I am currently looking forward to. Time away from Singapore, away from treatment and just to relax my mind.

Will update again when i have something to report. Till then, to all who are in their 2WW, Good Luck and may this be the month for all of you. I love you all to pieces.

Why does it still hurt?

2 more days till my BT. SOmehow I have a feeling AF is coming before my BT. I don't know. Just a gut feeling. I have prepared myself for the worst yet why does it still hurt so much? I guess there is always a first time for everything. Ahhhh... Well I guess I have sigh enough in the last 2 days to last me a lifetime... Will update you guys as and when there is something to update. For now, I am going to just lie down on the sofa and just mourn my life a little bit more...

I Survived...

The Pregnyl trigger shot. It wasn't as painful as I thought it gonna be. There was a sting at the beginning just like the normal injection but the needle was in me for a slightly longer time. The leg was a little numb immediately after the injection. But once u walk it off it was kind of alright. That's all. Thanks to Juliah for preparing me mentally for it. It truly helps.

This was one of the first thing with regards to IVF that I am nervous about other than the number and quality of my egg follicles. SO after one final scan in the morning, with number of follicles being the same but a slight increase in the size. Currently I have a 19mm, 17.5mm, 17mm, and a 15mm. Others measurable ones are at 12.5mm, 12.5mm, 10.5mm and 9mm. They say they are probably looking at the first 3. Others not so sure. I will be very happy with whatever they can retrieved. Hopefully at least 5 are fertilised and I can transfer 2.

I am hoping the other follicles will catch up in size in the next 2 days. N hopefully they have sufficient mature eggs to fertilised. One obstacle down, another one to go on Friday (ER). I am still not sure when the ET will be but I will be very happy to have a successful ET and a healthy baby at the end of the whole procedure.

I am just gonna rest and take it easy the next few days. I will try to squeeze in an update as and when I am capable of doing so.

Till then, whoever are in the ER/ET stage or the 2WW, all teh best to all of you. May we get the positive outcome that we are looking for.

Till my next entry...

Birthday Post....

Nothing much for me to write for now. I am just wishing that after 5 years, my birthday wish will come true. I will update with regards to my follies check scan and my dr appointment when I get back later in the day.



I wish this is the year I will start a new with new addition. I am praying and wishing extra hard this year.

Pre Birthday Entry

This is the pre birthday entry as promised. Hahaha... I will be turning 28 tomorrow. It has been a good life so far except for some very minor glitches. First of all I would like to metion all the good things that has happened in my life then perhaps the little glitches/obstacles I have faced.

I am thankful for giving me a wonderful family who is caring and concern about my well being, who has provided me with a good life and education which I can now use to provide for my own family. In terms of relationship, I have had my fair shares of heart break. After which I met hubby when I was in my first year un Uni. We dated, had our ups and downs and here we are 5 years later, happily married.

Both of us love kids and had wanted our own kid right away but I guess God has other plans for us. After 2 years of trying and no results we decide to take a break from TTC and go travelling. We travelled to many parts of the world - Turkey, Korea, Hong Kong etc and we learned more about each other and became much closer to each other and God. N now in the year that I turn 28... we are ready to try again and hopefully by the time I celebrate my 29th birthday I will have kid/kids in tow.

Oh yes... n below are my younger days photos as promised. Please don't laugh. I was born slightly premature. Then I grew and become chubbier. Heheh...

Taken when I was 3 years old
Taken when I was two
Taken when I was 6 months old
Taken when I was 3 months old
Taken when I was 2 months old

8 X 8 All About Me

I got Tagged!

The Rules:
Mentioned who tagged you: Flower over at (http://flower1908.blogspot.com/)

Complete the list of 8’s
Tag 8 people

8 THINGS I AM LOOKING FORWARD TO:

(1) Getting a BFP on my 1st IVF cycle (current cycle) :)
(2) Starting my FET if this cycle is a bust and getting a BFP
(3) Being a Stay At Home Mum
(4) Going on a vacation to our dream place (Switzerland)
(5) Celebrating our 5th wedding anniversary on 4th September
(6) Getting closer to God
(7) Finding peace with Infertility
(8) Suuporting my parents till their old age

8 THINGS I DID YESTERDAY

(1) WOke up in the morning
(2) Did my laundry
(3) Took my jabs
(4) Prepared for my tuition assignments
(5) Checked my FB account
(6) Go to the market
(7) Wished my dad, "Happy Birthday"
(8) Talked to my mum

8 THINGS I WISH I COULD DO

(1) Become pregnant on my 1st IVF Cycle
(2) Have a healthy pregnancy
(3) Have a healthy baby/babies
(4) Provide a better home for my parents
(5) Find peace
(6) Stop being angry
(7) Travel the world with my husband

8 SHOWS I WATCH

(1) America's Next Top Model
(2) Survivor
(3) The price is right
(4) Ellen Degeneres
(5) CSI Miami/New York
(6) Bones
(7) Criminal Minds
(8) Leverage

8 FAVORITE FRUITS

(1) Grapes
(2) Watermelon
(3) Mango
(4) Honeydew
(5) Dragon fruit
(6) Apple
(7) Durian

8 PLACES I’D LIKE TO TRAVEL

(1) Hawaii
(2) Switzerland
(3) Greece
(4) France
(5) Rome
(6) Japan
(7) South Africa
(8) Niagara Falls in US

8 PLACES I’VE LIVED

(1) Ang Mo Kio (Singapore)
(2) Tampines (Singapore)
(3) Hougang (Singapore)
(4) Simei (Singapore)
(5) Punggol (Singapore)
(6) -
(7) -
(8) -

8 FOLKS I’M TAGGING

Hmmm.... Anyone who is in their 2WW and would like to past their time, could you please do this for me... Thanks.

On Schedule

I am just glad everything is on schedule. I was about to give my nurse a call on Monday if my Af still was not here. But today, as schedule it arrived with a full vengence. So far I am right on track. N I am half way through with the suprefact injection. I have been ridiculously tired the last few days. I wonder how I will be when I am doing other shot. We'll see how it goes.

Last few days have been really tiring for me not because of my treatment but because I have been travelling to and fro from the hospital. My bro met with an accident with a van on his way back from work. Physically he looks fine with just minor scratches. Or so we thought. Yesterday at about 5pm, mum called me to say that bro had to go in for an emergency operation. After an ultrasound, they found that one of his testes is crushed. No way of saving it. (People who knows me in person, please do not mention this to anyone coz I do not want my bro to be anymore traumatize as it is.)

After the op yesterday, the surgeon mention to my mum that this was one of the worse case he had ever seen. He tried to save whatever remaining that is good. Now it depends on my bro's will power. Whatever that has been saved, will either remain good or the cells might just die off. If it dies off, then he will have to go in for another surgery. We are all praying for the best. Dr said that at the moment, he won't have problem having kids in future coz all he need is just one but Dr is not sure the condition of what remains. The whole family is behind him at the moment, providing him with all the support he needs. He is still feeling down but he is showing signs of improvement.

Till my next entry... Have a good weekend everyone.

9 more days to go

Things have been pretty quiet here. Nothing much to report. I have however been getting constant crampings, you know the kind where you know AF is around the corner. But for me the cramping has been happening since I started the injection but till now no sign of AF yet.

I am kind of concern though, is it usual not to have AF during this first round of injections? Well, I shall wait it out a few more days. If it is still not here, I shall call the nurse and find out about this. I have been pretty tired too the last few days. I hate dragging my feet out of bed in the morning. I will sleep in till about 9. Have breakfast. Check my mail, facebook, twitter, play a little online games etc then I usually fall asleep again on the sofa. Sometimes up to a stretch of 2 - 3 hours. Gosh...I am turning into a lazy bum. Luckily I am no longer working or I will forsee my MC rates to go up drastically. But I am still glad I have the tuition assignments to keep me sane/busy.

At least with the assignments, I get to go out and travel to my kids place and when they come over, I get to make use of my brain cells and teach them the things that I love most - MATHS!!!!

Back to the injection, after the first day of injections, the rest of the days are much easier. Hubby is becoming a pro at it. It hurts/stings badly on the 3rd day. I have always like to lie down when hubby gives me the injection coz I will be at my most relax position. But on the 3rd day, hubby decides that it would be easier if I stand so I listened and it stings bad. I started tearing. Hubby was so worried he said from now on, we just do it your way. Man - Why can't they just stick to the way that has always worked? Why do they need to just "test the waters"? 4th and 5th day went witout a hitch.

Other than the usual tiredness sinking in, my bo.obs are kind of sore (probably bcoz AF is around the corner) and my desire to be intimate with hubby has kind of dwindle a little due to me being tired. Common??? NO??? Well, hubby has been very nice aboout all this but before he starts complaining, I better get it on. Hehehe...

Okay people, will catch up with all of you again soon. To all ladies who has been coming by to drop a comment or two. THANKS so much. I do visit your sites too but sometimes, I am just at a lost for words on what to say. My mum always advice me "It is best we keep quiet and just pray for the person in silent if we don't have anything nice/right to say."

I have been in this journey for almost 4 years and I roughly know what are the kind of things that people may say (whether intentionally or unintentionally) that can throw me off the cliff. Sometimes I usually have to write and rewrite my comments a few times before I send it just to make sure I have phrase my words in the way that I know if I was at the receiving end I won't be hurt.

Time for my afternoon nap. Hubby is snoring awya at my sofa... Need to find a new 'port' now.

Back earlier than expected

Hey I am back. Earlier than expected. Been spending some time on my own, reading and praying and getting close to my creator. IT is amazing what some quiet moment can do for you. I was sitting by the sea side the other day, looking at a group of kids playing in the sand. I was like thinking, "if only one of that kid is mine". I am not asking for many just one. Then I look out to the vast ocean, and see how God has His reasons for doing the things He does. Have you ever wondered, why is the sea blue?

Well I am just rambling here. Just wanted to write that I have been kind of sick the last few days. Have been coughing like a mad dog, sneezing non stop and running a slight temperature. Been taking my medication regularly. Hopefully I am going to get well before I start my treatment.

Did I mention how much my bo.obs hurt? IT was super painful to the touch. N the nips get super sharp and sensitive everytime the hub try to touch. His hands got snubbed by me many many times... Hahaha... Hands like octopus. Serves him right. N I cannot hold my bladder very long too.

OKay time for me to take my medication and go to bed... See you all around.

Somehow I have a feeling that AF could be round the corner.

Where is He in all this?

I have been questioning myself on this for a very long time. Since I first learnt about our infertility issues. I love kids, so does hubby. So why are we not blessed to have kids on our own yet there are others (teenagers included) who cant afford kids and can never bring up their kids properly have kid or in some cases kids. Instead of owning up to the mistakes, they make even more mistakes. Sometimes their mistakes cost the life of the little ones. The question that keep popping up in my head is - Where was God in all this?

I have been blog hopping and from the many sites I have visited, I realised that many women out there are getting closer to God in times of difficulty/challenging. As for me, I am trying to get close but at times I am just so angry. Angry for being tested the way that I was. Many people have said that God tested those that he loves. If He doesn't love you, he would have just left you alone. In that case, I would have rather been left alone. Or is that just my angry self talking.

Yes I still pray 5 times a day as required by my religion. However I still feel empty. I don't seem to be any connection. I limit my conversation with Him. Reason? Well I have been trying to communicate to Him how much we wanted a kid of our own. Not only have He not answered my prayers, He has tested me over and over again.

As my IVF journey is drawing closer and closer, I would like my conversation with Him to be more meaningful and I would like to be closer to Him. Thus I would like to take a short hiatus - just a week or so. To calm myself, to be in sync with everything around me and to be closer to God. I will be back in exactly a week when I will start my lucrin injections. Hopefully by then, I will get the answers that I have been seeking.

To all you nice bloggers out there who are currently in your 2 week wait, my prayers are with you and may you receive the BFP you have been seeking.

Readers of my blog, do check back on me in exactly a weeks time. Will be back with an entry. Till then... Have a great weekend...

18 kids and counting...

I have started watching this show on Dicovery Travel and Living - Human Story. The story about the Dugg.ers Family who currently has 18 kids. Boy am I envious. Not that I want 18 kids but the fact that she is able to have kids like at the click of a finger whil here I am struggling to even have one.

But the good thing about this family - at least from what I read they are currently debt free, they did everything on their own (even built their own steel house), the kids are all organized, had a buddy system to have the mum with the household chores and parents learnt along the way with the kids as they homeschooled them. AMAZING!!!

Did you know that they did not have kids right away? They were on the pills for 4 years after which she stopped and they got pregnant. After which she decided to go back on the pills but somehow by miracle, she got pregnant but suffered a miscarriage and they believed it was the pill. After that they started praying and asked God to give them as many kids as He wants and here they are... 18 kids and counting...

Why am I writing? No apparent reason. I am just amazed and at awe how the mother is able to cope and handle all 18 kids without any help except from her own children. I am also amazed at how she managed her finances. They did mention in a site somewhere that they didn't spend more than $2000 to feed everyone.

As for me I am just counting to number 1. Hopefully soon enough and once the One has arrived probably number 2, 3 and 4 will tag along. Yup you see that right. I am still hoping and praying to have 4 kids. But we shall see wait and see for this first treatment. Hopefully everything goes well. 9 days to go...

1 more day...

My 2WW is coming to an end. It is my 13dpo. Was wondering whether I should test at all. I mean I was not that hopeful about this cycle since it was the first after my surgery. Let's wait till I am truly late then I will decide on my next course of action.

I mean there are no signficant symptoms. My boobs are not at all swollen. Just a little cramping in my lower abdomen, sometimes on the left sometimes on the right and the persistent headache which is causing me to feel really lethargic. Other than that nothing much. I am still hopeful though. Still wishing for a miracle to happen. One more day...

Whatever the result is whether positive or negative, I will let you guys know, that's a promise.

On another note, hubby just received an sms from his good friend. Another poly friend of his, whose wife just gave birth on Monday has been hit by the worse news ever. Their baby who was born healthy and normal, just passed away at about 7pm tonight. May the baby's soul rest in peace. May the parents find peace and tranquility in God's challenge and obstacle. May Allah bless them all.

Waiting Game Again

I have been playing the waiting for as long as I could remember. Before I was married, I was waiting for the right man to come along to sweep me off my feet. This is after many failed relationships that have left me all bruised. After waiting and waiting, finally hubby came by and turn my life around. He was there for me for every single event that mattered - like my graduation after getting my degree, my 2nd graduation after my post graduate diploma, my grand dad's passing away, my ups and downs at work and many more. He has always been there for me. Thank you Hubby...

I knew I was going to marry this man but that was not after 3 years later. The 3 years of waiting till we become one can be rather lonely at times but I survived. After marriage, we started thinking about starting our own family. We wanted 4 kids. But how was I supposed to know that 1 will take this long to come along. Months turns to years and we are still waiting. Every month I waited for AF to be late but times and times again she arrived without prior warning. After almost 4 years 2 months and 2 weeks, I am still waiting.

I am currently in my 2 Week Wait. This could be possibly the last unmedicated 2 Week Wait. If things does not go the way we wanted, we will start the medicated cycle. probably by the middle of next month. It is exciting at the same time scary. There are far too many things on my mind. There are so many "what ifs" going on in my head. I am excited yet I do not want to put too high an expectation that will in the end crush me if things don't go my way.

Okay so what has been going on the last few days? Hmmm... nothing much really. According to my counter, it is 10 days till testing. Not as if I will get the chance to test at all. In the last 4 years, never once did I need to test. AF comes on schedule. But whatever the outcome is, i will share with everyone here in 10 days time.

TMI ALERT: But since the operation, while on Lucrin injections, I realised my 'u know where' has been very dry. As dry as a desert. It could hurt sometimes when hubby and I becam intimate but after my last shot and my last missed period which was supposed to be on hubby's birthday, my 'u know where' has been pretty "watered". The last few days starting from the day of my supposed Ovulation Day, I have been getting this little twinges in my lower abdomen. The twinges is more apparent near my surgical area. I am trying not to think too much about it but hey who knows...I have pretty lethargic too. Everytime I lie on the sofa, my eyes will close shut and I will be napping for an hour or two. I know, I know I am scrutinising over every little detail but I will put my hands on anything that will tell me that I am PUPO.

I shall end my entry now. Will be back soon enough with another entry with regards to my meeting with a dear online friend. Till then, I shall go and try do something so that time will past more quickly.

HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY

To all the readers of my blog, here is wishing you a very Happy Valentine's Day. May you enjoy today with your loved ones. I am currently enjoying myself just waking up late in the hands of my beloved hubby. We are going out soon. We are going to attend some carnival. After which we are going out for dinner to celebrate my mum's birthday. So exciting!!!

Will write more when I get back. There is nothing much happening in the last week or so except for feeling really bloated. Hot flushes thank god is under control. Not as bad. Currently waiting for this cycle to end. After that count down time. Not sure how I am gonna inform the management when I start to take leave often. Not sure whether I should let them in on what I am going through but then again, being new that's probably not a good idea. I am trying to time my treatment as much as possible so that it won't affect my work.

I have roughly about 66 days to think about it. That's about 2 months. Should give me ample time to think. Okaylah enough ranting. Time for me to go get ready. Mum is coming to fetch us soon.

One down one more to go

4 days ago I was supposed to be getting my menses. But thanks to the suppression AF didnt come. Can you hear the hint of sarcasm there? AF has always be prompt with her visit. The only way it was going to be kept away is by suppressing it.So yes, for the first time in my 27years of life, AF has gone missing thanks to Lucrin. One month missing, one more month to go. I am due for another injection on the 9th of February - that's 8 days away and according to my ticker countdown, I am 11 days away from ovulation. Hmmm... Won't that then be too late to suppress my hormones? Well I am sure the Dr knows what she's doing.

I am just praying that I will still be able to handle the menopausal symptoms. Last month it has been tough. Hubby has been at the end of some of it but most of the time it was my students. Blame them for being so ridiculously lazy. Not only will they not listen when you are teaching, they won't even do their homework. N worse of all how rude some of these kids are. Their sentence are punctuated with the F-word. What is the world coming to? What are their parents doing? When I see these kids, I think twice about having my own children but then again it is all about the nurture. If you do it right from the beginning, I am sure with God's willing, they will turn out just fine.

Back to my symptoms. Damn the weather has been hot. The hot flushes is making me ridiculously hot in the face. It is so hot that it hurts. A few days ago, I started having slight twinges and cramping in my lower abdomen. Nothing to really worry about I guess coz I have had worse crampings in the past. I have been having the runs too. It has been very watery. Not sure whether it was something I ate or what. But I hope it will improve. I am planning to not waste any MCs unnecessarily. I have better plans for them in the near future.

With a weekly housekeeper, I have more time for ME time. With my lessons preparations for the next 3 weeks done, I have more time for an entry as well as to use the computer. I am currently reading the following...


My sis has gotten me hook to this. She has lent me this book for about 3 weeks now. I have just started reading a few days ago and I can't seem to put it down. It is keeping my mind off TTC issues at least for now.

Since February is the month of LOVE, I will be ending my entries for this month with banners dedicated to my loved ones especially hubby. Thank you for all the love and support you have showered me. You have been my pillar of strength and the love of my life.

Believe me when I say...

Friends, please believe me when I say that I am truly very happy and excited for all of you if you were to receive the BFP. I am but please don't rub it in my face. I will be very glad if you share the news with me. It makes me feel as if I am important enough in your life that you want to share such a news with me.

"Farhan, I am very happy for you. I wish you all the best in your pregnancy. I pray that everything will go as plan and may you have a smooth pregnancy and have a bouncing baby boy/girl in 9 months time. The following entry is NOT about you ok

My weekend was almost perfect. That is until I receive THE news. I was told that my bestfriend who was married to my hubby's besfriend who was married a year later than us is expecting their second child. Hmmmm... If that wasn't bad enough. I was reminded that I still had nothing when my best friend is already going to have 2. Not that I do not want any. I just can't have them yet. I wish the situation is different. I wish .... Well what is the point of wishing if you know it is not going to come true.

According to my count down ticker counter, I am supposed to be getting my period tomorrow. This will be my 2nd menses that I am gonna miss due to hormones suppression. I am sure not missing visits from AF just yet. I wish I am not receiving AF visit due to pregnancy and not because of hormones suppression but well... we just have to wait for a bit more. 83 more days to be exact!!! That seems like a long way to go. Well I truly hope that with my busy schedule at work time will pass by more quickly. I am gonna take a week at a time.

How do I show that I am truly happy when there is a part of me that do feel jealous that they are having what I have dreamt of for a very long time. 4 years 4 months to be exact. I do want to feel all they symptoms. I take the symptoms all in my stride if only I could be pregnant and have a baby/babies of my own. I am not getting any younger and my house has been rather empty and quiet for a very long time. Hubby and I are enjoying our twosome together but the stretch is getting too much to handle. I want to lose sleep looking after our babies, I want to gain weight from the pregnancy. But for now, I shall just be contented with what I have... Great friends, wonderful family and a loving, caring and understanding husband. To all my friends, I can definitely use the following...
Please strengthen me, bless me and encourage me. I am in need of it. I am currently at my lowest low. I guess it is the hormones doing the talking. I hope I will be better when weekend comes.Please don't get me wrong. Emotionally I am okay. Just a little off balance I guess. I am happy but being happy doesn't mean everything is alright/perfect. The following banner summarise everything about how I am feeling.

Weekends are here!!!

Finally the weekends are here. I am so looking forward to it. I have plan to sleep in on Saturday and Sunday. It has been a busy week for me. Let me update both on the personal as well as work front.

Personal
I went to see Dr Sadhana on the 6th of January. Took time off from work. She removed the stitches from my surgery area and we spoke a little about my plans for IVF. I still have 2 more injections of GnHR. She also mentioned that the menopausal syndromes is gonna be even greater than what I had experience previously. She had warned hubby about it. Hubby just laughed it off. I truly hope that everything is going to be okay. I seriously do not want to "blast off" at hubby you see. I am never good at handling PMS. SO I am going to KK Clinic D once more this coming Monday, 12th Jan for my second dosage of injection. Other than just waiting for my menses to come some where in March and calling KKIVF on my first day in April to get my blood works done coz it expires in April, there is really nothing much to talk about in this aspect. Can someone wake me up when April comes?

Work
I have been pretty busy. If you notice I have not written for a few days coz on weekdays when I come back usually I am just too tired to do anything. I will nap a bit then wake up and prepare work for the following day's lessons. That's my routine for the last week. N I believe it is not gonna change any time soon. How is my new environment you may ask? Well different but NICE change. I do miss my old colleagues though. I am more familiar with them and with some I have build a pretty strong friendship but well... I need to make changes.


It is kind of late. I have alot of markings to do, worksheets and notes to prepare so yup I gotta go now. Leaving all of you with a picture of my work desk that I have somehow decorated a little.

Sorry pictures had to be removed for safety reasons...

Busy time at work

People with goals succeed. I have GOALS. Hope I will achieve success in the near future.

Work has started for me on the 2nd of January. It was a short day at work before the weekend was here again. It does give me some space to breathe and time to adjust to being back at work. The kids were definitely not ready to start lesson. Basically there were only introduction and some admin matters. Lesson proper should start this coming week. Lessons and worksheets are all prepared. I wonder how the kids will respond to my lessons. I guess I will know starting from tomorrow.

Please do not expect much entry from me in the next week or so. Maybe just short update at the side. It is a busy time at work for me. I can barely breathe over the weekends. Spend some time out with hubby on Saturday, then the whole of today was spend at home finishing my lesson planning.

Tuesday I will be taking time off to go for my Dr appointment at KK. Looking forward to seeing Dr Sadhana and hearing what she has to say about my wounds as well as my plans to do IVF in April. Hope to hear good news. That will be a good start to the new year. Hubby and me looking forward to the possibility. We don't have to have a baby by this year (that is not possible if we start IVF in April unless a miracle happen between now till April) but we do really hope that we get pregnant this year. Praying and crossing my fingers and toes.

By the way did I mention that my bills for the bilateral laparascopy came a day before new year. What a present!!! I almost had a heart attack. Gosh!!! Thank god I am postponing my IVF treatment. At least it will give me some time to save some money for my medication. Choke...choke... N in this difficult times... Ouch!!!

Okay it is getting late. Time for me to get some sleep. Need to go to work later...

Goodbye 2008, Welcome 2009

As we bid goodbye to 2008 and welcome 2009, I began to reminiscene on my past year. the things that I have done that I am proud as well as ashame of. Well there are a few. But the new year shall bring me new hope. I am praying that 2009 will be a better year for both me and hubby as well as everyone we know. So what am I looking forward to in this coming 2009?

Marriage: I am praying that as we reached our 5th year of marriage our love for each other gets stronger. I pray that we will be as happy or even happier that we have been. No matter what life throws at us, we will be able to face it together. N of course if God decides to answer my previous year's wish, a little me or hubby would be nice to add to our twosome.

Work: I hope that my transfer to this new workplace had been a wonderful and correct move. I hope to make new close colleagues just like how I had in my previous workplace. I hope to be able to be a better educator, teaching my students lesson in the book as well as in life.

Family: I couldn't have asked for a better family. I wish my parents will continue to have good health and abundant wealth. I pray that my sister and brother will be able to achieve their dreams and may they grow to be better off than I am.

Last but not least to all my readers here... Let me leave all of you with something.

Better days ahead?

Today I woke up not feeling too good about myself. I just can't explain it. I guess it was just one of those days where I decide to wake up and feel sorry for myself. I don't know. I guess it is the holidays. The holidays somehow have an effect on me. You go out everywhere, you will see things that will remind you of the things that you can't have. Young couples with babies, family with kids running around, parents buying their kids presents for the holidays and families celebrating special events. I want to do all that too. I want to celebrate special events other than our birthday and anniversary. Hmmm....

Today when I woke up, I feel so different from others around me. I feel so far away. I feel so distant, so withdrawn. Am I the only one out here that is facing this problem? Perhaps not bcoz I know I have make some wonderful friends here. But why is it during the holiday/festive season, I feel so alone. I feel as if I am the only one who is facing this. I am trying my very best to stay positive, to think that I will be able to overcome this but even the weather is not on my side. It has been raining since morning.

I truly hope there is a rainbow after the rain. The sun will shine once again. Will there be better days ahead? I don't know. What I know is for now, I feel like sitting in the corner and just be miserable. For once, I just wanna be sad, cry and feel sorry for myself. I do not want to pretend that I am happy. Well, at times I am. At times I know how lucky I am. For having an understanding family, wonderful husband, good paying job and a roof over my head. There are others out there that might not even have this. But just for today, I want to feel sorry for myself. I wanna feel how much life has been a little unfair to me. For not granting me the most basic function of a woman - to bear children.

"Dear God, if you are listening to me, why haven't you grant my wish yet. I have been praying, wishing and hoping. But as days turn to weeks and weeks turn to months and months to years, I still have not heard from you. You seem to have distant yourself from me? Or is it the other way round. Have I done something wrong? Have I neglected you that is why you are now neglecting me? When will you be available again? When will you ever hear me? The new year is coming. I am done making new year's resolution. I am not even going to make anymore wishes. I will just let nature takes its course. Once you have decided that I am good enough, perhaps you will grant me that one wish I have been hoping for."

To all of you celebrating Christmas, Have a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year.