Biggest worry has come true

Sorry for not writing for a while now. Been a little busy with assignments and finding a new job. Trying to find something totally different to do. More in the line of counselling which I majored in Uni. Been a month since I sent in my resumes but till now no call or reply. Getting a little worried. Once end of October comes, I will have no more assignments as students will be taking a break from school thus none will be going for tuition. No assignment means no income. So I have exactly 2 months to get myself an interview. I guess I need to be a little more aggressive in my job search.

But that is not my biggest worry. If you have been reading my site in the past month, my worry is what if my brother in law's wife who were married in end March 2009 will be pregnant first before me. N true enough, God do want to test us more specifically ME. Yesterday, I learnt from my mother in law that she is currently 18 weeks pregnant. She got pregnant immediately after the wedding. In fact she didnt even realise she was pregnant coz she was kind of bleeding/spotting throughout the four months. *SIGH*

SO yeah, that's my life story for now. 5 years into my wedding and I still have nothing to show for. N she is into her 5th month anniversary and she is 18 weeks pregnant. OUCH! What a stab in the heart. So I will once again go and lie in a corner and mourn my life AGAIN! Nothing much to report on the TTC front. This Friday - 4th of Sept is my 5th wedding anniversary and what an irony that will also be the day I am expecting AF to come. I am hoping and praying for a miracle but deep down inside I just don't feel it anymore. The closest I got to getting pregnant was my last failed IVF. So will see about the rest. About 1 month plus to my next fresh cycle. So looking forward to being injected again. Can you hear my sarcasm?

Time to say goodbye...

As I had predicted... As I had have an instinct about...

When the pimples start popping, when the lower abdomen starts cramping, when the lower back starts aching and when I started having brown spotting... I should have known... N true enough today, AF came knocking with a vengence. Fierce and heavy.

I had cried enough in the last 2 days. There are no more tears for me to cry. Went in for an early blood test today. Results was out quick too... The nurse was very nice about it... She said that HCG is in the 84. Huh? How could that be possible? Her answer is it was a chemical pregnancy. She said coz I don't have any frozen embryo, I can't do FET so I need to rest my body for at least 3 months before doing my next fresh cycle. I told her that I would have taken a break too if I don't have too. I am not ready for another emotional heart break. The physical pain I could take but the heart break. It is just too painful for me.

SO what is my next plan? I am taking a break from treatment for this 3 months. I am gonna rest my body from all the medications. I am gonna try naturally during this 3 months. Maybe just maybe, since we can have perfect embryo in the lab, we can perfect embryo made in my womb too... N hopefully by then, my womb lining is strong enough to hold a real pregnancy. I know I am thinking of a miracles but miracles do happen. N for now I am praying for a miracle.

My whole family together with bro and fiance are planning a family getaway at the end of the month. That would be great right? Yes, I need time away. This will be my last entry for now... I will be back soon when I have something to write. For now, I am just gonna recuperate. Heal my broken hearts. To all my lovely internet friends, thanks for your wonderful support but this is just isn't my time. I love you all no matter where you are...

Why does it still hurt?

2 more days till my BT. SOmehow I have a feeling AF is coming before my BT. I don't know. Just a gut feeling. I have prepared myself for the worst yet why does it still hurt so much? I guess there is always a first time for everything. Ahhhh... Well I guess I have sigh enough in the last 2 days to last me a lifetime... Will update you guys as and when there is something to update. For now, I am going to just lie down on the sofa and just mourn my life a little bit more...

A good cry was all it takes

At 13dp3dt / 16dpo, I have no more sore boobs, no crampy feelings. The crampy feelings have been gone for a while now. I had a good cry yesterday when hubby came back from work. The moment he came back, he came straight to me and gave me a kiss on my forehead and I started tearing. When he asked me what is wrong, I just couldn't say it. But somehow a while later I did tell him. I told him how useless I felt for not being able to bear him any children and now more than ever coz I am not even working. He asked me how did I know this didn't work, could I see what is going inside? Of course I said NO, but how could he understand my inner feelings. Somehow I just have the feeling. You know the feeling where you just knew.

This morning we woke up in each other's arm. Somehow being in his arms make me feel safe yet at the same time it makes me more emotional and vulnerable. The tears just flowed. As he said, I have never failed in any exams before and this to me felt like a failure. He reminded me, school exams are different. I have a way of controlling the outcome by studying but this IVF journey, we can try our very best, do the best we can but at the end of the day, the results is determined by the one above. It makes sense but somehow it just makes me feel more sad. I asked him, what if it is just gonna be the two of us till our old age. He didn't have an answer for it. He just told me, let him do the worrying. I had a good cry and somehow he managed to kiss those tears away.

Am I ready to let this go? Not yet. Till I see the dreaded visitor or till the nurse told me the negative outcome, I am not letting this go just yet. I am just coming to terms with the possibility that this wasn't my time. Did a test this morning. Saw a faint line. The faint line is definitely visible as I do not have to tilt it to the light or squint my eyes to see it. Just that it is way lighter than the first line and the digital one told me straight in my face "Not Pregnant". There is two possibility. One is that the faint line is caused by the remainder of my Pregnyl jab or perhaps I could possibly be pregnant just that the HCG in my body is too low to be detected. I am not putting my money in the 2nd possibility. Hubby didnt even want me to put the pic of the test up coz he doesnt want to be sad everytime I see it. He said let's just wait till Wednesday or whenever the dreaded visitor decide to to stop by.

How am I feeling now? Okay I guess. What matters most is that I have my husband who loves me very much and of course my family who is willing to sacrifice everything for me. I love them and they love me too...

Just for the record, symptoms for the day:

(1) BBT still high at 37.00 degrees celsius.
(2) Woke up with a headache but it was probably bcoz of the crying
(3) Greenie lines on boobs still visible.
(4) Nips still painful to the touch but the whole boobs not sore anymore.

So that's it for now. Gonna go and get ready for my weekend. With the test out of the way, I can now just enjoy my weekend without worrying too much. If it meant to be, it will be. If not I guess I will just stand up once more and try again. But that will not be anytime soon. I need to make sure I am mentally and emotionally ready this time for any outcome.

Day 11 of Puregon

Gosh!!! It has been 11 days of Puregon. Not liking it very much.

Lethargy. CHECKED. CHECKED. CHECKED

Bruises on tummy. CHECKED

Lower Abdominal Cramping. CHECKED

Bloatedness. CHECKED

Slight Fever. 37.6. CHECKED

Mood Swing. CHECKED

I am ready to be off Puregon soon and I am ready to have my ER/ET in the nearest possible date. Well... Maybe you can ask me again once I have had my ER and then I will tell you whether I am liking it or not.

I am just feeling very tired at the moment. Hubby was off to work in the morning. Woke up, got him some breakfast and once he left I went back to sleep and woke up like 3 hours later. Wow!!! My whole body just feels so tired at the moment.

Hubby is on morning shift again tomorrow. Told him not to take leave. It is just gonna be another scan. Got mum to accompany me though. Having either hubby or mum around for my treatment makes me feel really secure and comfortable. I am hoping and praying for the best outcome tomorrow.

Gonna go and get some afternoon nap since students are taking a break from lessons due to holidays. I am just gonna enjoy whatever free time I am having now. I have always been right when I listen to my body and this time around my body says I need a rest. SO rest I would do... Till my next update.. which should be tomorrow.

Wake me up when June is here...

3 days of May has pass. I am not looking forward to May as much as I was looking forward to the months after. I mean. first and foremost, May will be the month when I start my injectibles. I believe I have mention more than once about my NOT so good relationship with injections. Have never liked it and I believe never will. But being a woman undergoing fertility treatment, injections is a must. So well... 12 more days till I start my lucrin injection. Just sitting around, waiting stinks. I hope the days will pass by faster.

In addition May is also the month where everywhere you turn you will be reminded how much less of a woman you are. Yes you are right if you guess Mother's Day. Next weekend, every mother around the world will be celebrating Mother's Day with their children. Me? After 4 years, it is still a lonely weekend. Of course, being the a daughter, I will be celebrating it with my beloved mum and family. Let's talk about my mother.

My mum is a very strong lady. In every sense of the word. She got married to my dad in 1980. She wasn't really the choice daughter in law. My grandma had wanted to marry my dad off to someone in the family but my dad being my dad, chose my mother. She had to face criticisms from all around her. But she was patient. When I was born, relatives commented about me. They said, "hey look, she is as dark as the mother." Well yes, I look more like my mother. My father look more chinese. My two younger siblings followed my dad. But I never feel that I was at a disadvantage looking more tan than my siblings. My mum was the one who supported me when relatives looked down on me and now when relatives talked behind my back about my infertility, she is always there with a rebuttal. She is always there with a shoulder for me to cry on. I truly appreciate her presence. Mum, THANKS.

Let's pray and hope, this is the last time I will be celebrating Mother's Day alone. Hopefully, by this time next year, I have kid/s of my own.

CD 60... FINALLY

Watch Out: TMI - Today is CD 60 for me. My goodness. That's the first in the history of my cycle. But today when I was in the toilet while getting ready for my assignments, I realise there was some wet discharge. Wipe it off and there was a tinge of redness in it. Just to be safe, I wore a pad.

But when I came back, there was still nothing. But when I peed, more blood clots. Not a heavy flow yet. But with ongoing cramping and the visible tinge of blood, I know (and hope) that full flow will come soon. Then I can give KK a call latest by Tuesday. Oh goodness. I am getting a little excited now. But still tring to keep my excitement at bay. Just in case.

Was just wondering though if I need Provera to bring about AF this month, do I need to take Provera again next month? Do I have to inform my RE about the Provera thing? How will the number of eggs be affected because of this?

You know after all that has happen, I was thinking that I don't have to have ET in the same cycle, we can do an FET too. All I care and worry about is the number of eggs that they are gonna retrieve and the quality of the eggs. The next is of course the quality of hubby's sperms and the ability of my eggs to be fertilised. OMG!!! So much worries. Time to relax and just go with the flow.

Hey Nichole, hope you will get your AF visit too. Then our cycle will really be super close. I know how it feels to be just sitting and waiting. Crossing my fingers and toes that AF will come with a vengence in the next 24 - 48 hours. That's the first for me and hopefully the last.

Update: Still no full flow, just on and off clots and bleeding when I swipe with tissue. Other than that my pad is not soaked at all... Hmmm should I wait one more day before calling KK? I guess it should be okay to just wait one more day. The cramping is still lingering thus Af should still be hanging out for a little while longer.

CD 58 and counting...

YES you saw that correctly... CD 58. I missed a period last month and I thought perhaps there was still some lucrin leftover in my body so I ignored it. This month AF decided to avoid me again. If only I was pregnant that would have been wonderful news. However, that was not the case. So where the heck is AF? Why did she decide to make a huge detour. Has the laparoscopy resulted in my period being haywire?

One month of waiting is fine. BUt 2 months is getting unbearable. I have decided, what the heck, let's go and meet my private dr and do a scan and check out what's going on in there. I mean with a scan she will be able to tell me about the condition of my ovaries and my lining right? N she can roughly gauge whether the dreaded AF is around the corner. Called the clinic but I believe today it is only opne in the afternoon. Shall call again later at 2pm. See whether she can fit me in either today or tomorrow afternoon. The sooner the better. I need an answer soon. This is driving me crazy.

I just need to know, where I am exactly in my cycle. I had my blood test done in April. it will expire in 6 months. That means I have till October to do my IVF before I have to re do the blood test again (which cost money - something we are trying to save as much as we can). To wait that long and at the same time not working, that is just ridiculous. What was I thinking? I don't know. I guess I am just tired. Tired of being judge.

Okay will let you people know the outcome of the scan or the arrival of AF whichever comes first. Till then, thank you to all those who have left me nice messages and words of encouragement. It really helps to calm my nerves a little knowing that this is not really weird. People has faced/are facing what I am facing at the moment.

To ladies, like Nichole, Cdah and others who have left me a message. THANK YOU!!! I truly appreciate them.

UPDATED: Managed to get an appointment with my Dr on Wednesday afternoon. She is fully booked till then. Well I guess better than nothing. I shall wait till then hoping that AF comes to visit. Hopefully the Provera would have done its magic by then. If not at least I will get some answers on Wednesday.

Hope to start fresh in May... This is one of the many obstacles I was hoping I do not have to face.

Monday Blues

Change of plans. Something happen and I had to cancel my original plans. To protect the people involved, I shall not mention any details. Currently waiting for hubby then off we go. I can't sit still waiting. My heart is in a mess. Hope everything is okay. I hope it is just a minor incident. Oh God please keep him safe.

To Juliah: "Sorry dear. I make it up to you some day"

Still surviving and counting

I am still here. Have just been busy with work. End of term before the one week break thus need to tie up some loose ends.

Today I just happen to look at this 'dusty' blog of mine and I realise something. Could this be it? COuld it happen without any help? It will definitely be a miracle if it does happen. Thinking positive...

If things are right, starting tomorrow shall be my 2 week wait. Haha... Not as if I am putting much hope into it after almost 48 months. But like I said things could happen. N I will put my faith and belief in anything at this moment.

Despite whatever hubby and I still "tried". If AF decides to drop by on the 25th of March as counted, then no more trying naturally. Either way, I am thinking positive.

Oh one more thing, I have made plans to meet with a friend I have made online. She has succeeded in her journey and I am looking forward to hearing her stories. Perhaps she can share with me all her experiences so that I can better prepared. She is so sweet as to take leave on that day... Will write more soon enough...

Symptoms/Side effects

It is 10 more days till my next period. But I know it will not be coming once again. After the 10 days, I will be counting down to another 28 more days hoping that AF comes to visit then. If it does then I can start counting to my 21st day to once again start on my lucrin shots. Talking about lucrin. It has not been a good partnership.

I hope during the lucrin shots later I won't be feeling as much symptom as I am feeling right now. I guess it depends on the amount I have to take.

Current symptoms: Bloated tummy (my students asked whether I am pregnant- I wish I could say yes), hot flushes, weight gain that is hard to lose, the need to pee very often, tiredness, sleepiness.

Hope time will fly. I can't wait. I wish to be able to feel my babies in me and 9 months later hold them in my arms. I can wish can't I?

HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY

To all the readers of my blog, here is wishing you a very Happy Valentine's Day. May you enjoy today with your loved ones. I am currently enjoying myself just waking up late in the hands of my beloved hubby. We are going out soon. We are going to attend some carnival. After which we are going out for dinner to celebrate my mum's birthday. So exciting!!!

Will write more when I get back. There is nothing much happening in the last week or so except for feeling really bloated. Hot flushes thank god is under control. Not as bad. Currently waiting for this cycle to end. After that count down time. Not sure how I am gonna inform the management when I start to take leave often. Not sure whether I should let them in on what I am going through but then again, being new that's probably not a good idea. I am trying to time my treatment as much as possible so that it won't affect my work.

I have roughly about 66 days to think about it. That's about 2 months. Should give me ample time to think. Okaylah enough ranting. Time for me to go get ready. Mum is coming to fetch us soon.

One down one more to go

4 days ago I was supposed to be getting my menses. But thanks to the suppression AF didnt come. Can you hear the hint of sarcasm there? AF has always be prompt with her visit. The only way it was going to be kept away is by suppressing it.So yes, for the first time in my 27years of life, AF has gone missing thanks to Lucrin. One month missing, one more month to go. I am due for another injection on the 9th of February - that's 8 days away and according to my ticker countdown, I am 11 days away from ovulation. Hmmm... Won't that then be too late to suppress my hormones? Well I am sure the Dr knows what she's doing.

I am just praying that I will still be able to handle the menopausal symptoms. Last month it has been tough. Hubby has been at the end of some of it but most of the time it was my students. Blame them for being so ridiculously lazy. Not only will they not listen when you are teaching, they won't even do their homework. N worse of all how rude some of these kids are. Their sentence are punctuated with the F-word. What is the world coming to? What are their parents doing? When I see these kids, I think twice about having my own children but then again it is all about the nurture. If you do it right from the beginning, I am sure with God's willing, they will turn out just fine.

Back to my symptoms. Damn the weather has been hot. The hot flushes is making me ridiculously hot in the face. It is so hot that it hurts. A few days ago, I started having slight twinges and cramping in my lower abdomen. Nothing to really worry about I guess coz I have had worse crampings in the past. I have been having the runs too. It has been very watery. Not sure whether it was something I ate or what. But I hope it will improve. I am planning to not waste any MCs unnecessarily. I have better plans for them in the near future.

With a weekly housekeeper, I have more time for ME time. With my lessons preparations for the next 3 weeks done, I have more time for an entry as well as to use the computer. I am currently reading the following...


My sis has gotten me hook to this. She has lent me this book for about 3 weeks now. I have just started reading a few days ago and I can't seem to put it down. It is keeping my mind off TTC issues at least for now.

Since February is the month of LOVE, I will be ending my entries for this month with banners dedicated to my loved ones especially hubby. Thank you for all the love and support you have showered me. You have been my pillar of strength and the love of my life.

Weekends are here!!!

Finally the weekends are here. I am so looking forward to it. I have plan to sleep in on Saturday and Sunday. It has been a busy week for me. Let me update both on the personal as well as work front.

Personal
I went to see Dr Sadhana on the 6th of January. Took time off from work. She removed the stitches from my surgery area and we spoke a little about my plans for IVF. I still have 2 more injections of GnHR. She also mentioned that the menopausal syndromes is gonna be even greater than what I had experience previously. She had warned hubby about it. Hubby just laughed it off. I truly hope that everything is going to be okay. I seriously do not want to "blast off" at hubby you see. I am never good at handling PMS. SO I am going to KK Clinic D once more this coming Monday, 12th Jan for my second dosage of injection. Other than just waiting for my menses to come some where in March and calling KKIVF on my first day in April to get my blood works done coz it expires in April, there is really nothing much to talk about in this aspect. Can someone wake me up when April comes?

Work
I have been pretty busy. If you notice I have not written for a few days coz on weekdays when I come back usually I am just too tired to do anything. I will nap a bit then wake up and prepare work for the following day's lessons. That's my routine for the last week. N I believe it is not gonna change any time soon. How is my new environment you may ask? Well different but NICE change. I do miss my old colleagues though. I am more familiar with them and with some I have build a pretty strong friendship but well... I need to make changes.


It is kind of late. I have alot of markings to do, worksheets and notes to prepare so yup I gotta go now. Leaving all of you with a picture of my work desk that I have somehow decorated a little.

Sorry pictures had to be removed for safety reasons...

Better days ahead?

Today I woke up not feeling too good about myself. I just can't explain it. I guess it was just one of those days where I decide to wake up and feel sorry for myself. I don't know. I guess it is the holidays. The holidays somehow have an effect on me. You go out everywhere, you will see things that will remind you of the things that you can't have. Young couples with babies, family with kids running around, parents buying their kids presents for the holidays and families celebrating special events. I want to do all that too. I want to celebrate special events other than our birthday and anniversary. Hmmm....

Today when I woke up, I feel so different from others around me. I feel so far away. I feel so distant, so withdrawn. Am I the only one out here that is facing this problem? Perhaps not bcoz I know I have make some wonderful friends here. But why is it during the holiday/festive season, I feel so alone. I feel as if I am the only one who is facing this. I am trying my very best to stay positive, to think that I will be able to overcome this but even the weather is not on my side. It has been raining since morning.

I truly hope there is a rainbow after the rain. The sun will shine once again. Will there be better days ahead? I don't know. What I know is for now, I feel like sitting in the corner and just be miserable. For once, I just wanna be sad, cry and feel sorry for myself. I do not want to pretend that I am happy. Well, at times I am. At times I know how lucky I am. For having an understanding family, wonderful husband, good paying job and a roof over my head. There are others out there that might not even have this. But just for today, I want to feel sorry for myself. I wanna feel how much life has been a little unfair to me. For not granting me the most basic function of a woman - to bear children.

"Dear God, if you are listening to me, why haven't you grant my wish yet. I have been praying, wishing and hoping. But as days turn to weeks and weeks turn to months and months to years, I still have not heard from you. You seem to have distant yourself from me? Or is it the other way round. Have I done something wrong? Have I neglected you that is why you are now neglecting me? When will you be available again? When will you ever hear me? The new year is coming. I am done making new year's resolution. I am not even going to make anymore wishes. I will just let nature takes its course. Once you have decided that I am good enough, perhaps you will grant me that one wish I have been hoping for."

To all of you celebrating Christmas, Have a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year.

The good, the bad and the ugly

Okay if you are thinking that this entry has anything to do with me dealing with infertility issues, it does not. You may continue reading about me rambling about some issues involving the good, the bad and the ugly side of some Sing_poreans I came across with at the soccer match that I attended today. So yes we were here today...

The National Stadium

The Sing_apore team outplayed and outrun their opponents. However they didn't manage to outlast the other team and as a result came out on the losing end. Well, that's soccer for you. The ball is round. You kick it and it can end up at the back of anyone's net and today it decide to end up at the back of the Sing_apore's net.

I do not wish to talk about the soccer game. You can read that up on your own on the web. What I want to share is what goes on off the pitch. I happen to sit beside a very irritating uncle. Irritating is such an understatement. He is just so uncivilised, rude and disrespecful. So what happen you may ask? Let me list it down for you.

1. During the Viet_nam National Anthem, everyone was standing as a sign of respect. Guess what the uncle did? He went around giving the middle finger at all the opposition's fans. OMG!!!!
   
2. Throughout the game he keep calling the fans stupid and other rude names that I do not wish to taint my site with. If you ask me, I will say he is the stupid one. Among all the Viet_namese fans there I think at least 30% of them are University students. Who are you?
   
3. While the game was going on on the pitch, he kept taunting the opposition fans who didn't do or say anything to him.

I wonder why can't we just have a decent game of football? Why does it have to be tainted with such people? To the Sing_apore team... It is okay. Today is not your day. I am still behind you. Like what I like to say, if you think you have done your best, hold your head up high and don't be ashame of yourself. There is always next time... Let me leave all of you with some pictures I manage to capture during the match.

Wrecked. Disappointed. Hurt

That's an understatement of how I am feeling right now. I am a wrecked. That's a better word. I am a mess. Emotions are running haywire. Yes maybe it was the hormones. But at the end of the day my question is why can't you just try to understand how I feel. Why can't you put yourself in my shoes? I have always tried to be there for you in everything you do so why can't you support me now? I don't really need you to do anything beyond your capabilities. I just need you to be there as my moral support. Stand by my side. Listen and once it was over we can leave.

But no. You had to make a big fuss over it. Give all kind of excuses that just doesn't make sense to me. If you don't want to be there just say it don't have to twist and turn and make up excuses after excuses. I am so disappointed at this very moment. I am not sure whether I am more disappointed with him or with myself. Perhaps I should just learn to control my emotions a little more. But at the end of the day, if he can raise his voice and not even try to control his emotions why should I.

Tears are welling in my eyes as I wrote this entry. I don't even know why. Perhaps I am just so upset. Upset at how much he has changed. He used to be there for me for EVERYTHING. He used to support me in ALL that I do. But for some reason, he has decided that that has to change. Or perhaps I was the one who had changed.

My work has been my passion since young. I love my kids. They are like the kids that I can't have. I spent more than 8 hours a day with them. I laughed with them, cried with them, joked with them and advised them on life. Now all I wanted to do was be there for them when they receive their results. N I want him to be there with me. This is the last time I am going to be seeing them. The last time I am going to step foot in that building. ONE LAST TIME. Why can't he just understand that?

Well perhaps it is just my hormones reacting. Or perhaps it is a legitimate fear. Fear that he has change into someone I don't know anymore. Fear that this is the start of a horrible nightmare.

Does that make me less of a woman?

I woke up today to a rainy Sunday. N today is the day I decide to feel sorry for myself. I woke up feeling so low. I messaged hubby who was at work and tears started welling my eyes. ALL I wanted is a child with him, the love of my life. I am not asking for anything more. But time and time again, I was tested. First it was the low sperm count and motility, then come the HUGE cysts, then come the hormones suppression. What's next?

With the hormones suppression, my menses will not come. I feel so much less of a woman. I mean what is the use of me being a woman if I can't have my menses, produce my own eggs and have my own baby. Yes it will only be for 3 months but it is 3 months too long. Hmmm...

Messaged hubby about my fears. Fear that I won't be able to have our own kids, fear that he might leave me for another. Fear that I can't get through all these obstcles and challenges. His next messgae did not totally rid me of my fears but it does make me feel better.

"Of course you can get through this. You got me. I love you sayang. You can't put a timetable of when you want a child. Plan yes. Execute yes. The rest is beyond our powers. Sayang I got you. That's enough for me. Children are the bonus. You can't give up hope just bcoz of small Tests by Allah. U never lose any limbs or senses. To me all this just keeps reminding me of how blessed I am to have you as my wife. Every obstacles we overcome just reinforced my belief that something wonderful is awaiting us at the end of it."

So here I am... Yes, in the next few months I will at times wake up feeling very insecure about my womanhood. I will at times wake up with the most unreasonable fear that my husband gonna love me less and leave me for another. But at the end of the day, with God's Grace, I believe me and hubby will get through this and when we do get through this I know we will be a stronger couple.

4 more days and counting down

I have been counting down and it is 4 more days to my surgery. Was out with hubby to the market today. Yes I go to the market. That might be surprising. But yes I do cook. From time to time. Ermmmm okay ocassionally....

We went to the market to get some ingredients for the dishes that I am going to prepare. What am I going to prepare? Still tentative I think. My mind says one thing but my body says another. I am still getting back into gear after my vacation. That's the thing about holidays. You feel tired way after the vacation is over. N have I mention that I have still ALOT of laundry to do. Luckily my housekeeper is coming in today. At least she can help me with the ironing and vacuuming and mopping. Yup I do only stay in a 5 Room Flat but the cleaning can take me ages to do.

We have bought some chicken, beef and prawns.All of them are in the fridge right now. I am just procrastinating on what to do. Hubby just left for work. He is on afternoon shif today. He has promised to help me with the frying when he gets back... So yes while I am fretting over what to cook for this coming Sunday, time is ticking.

Keep me in your prayers okay ladies. If I don't get to write till my surgery, I wish all ladies who are doing their IVF/IUI cycle all the best. To those waiting for the BT, good luck and May God Bless you with a bundle of joy soon.

Today could have been the start

As I woke up this morning, I felt so surreal. A little empty inside too. I mean I have been looking forward to this day for a very long time. Then when the time drew nearer, Fate plays a cruel joke on me. N here I am looking at the calendar and wishing that today could have been the day that I start my Lucrin Injections. Ahhhh....

Sorry people I am just trying to let it go. I have always been a control freaked. I need to be in control of my life. But when I started facing IF, control was the last thing that I had. My body just decides to do what it feels like doing. Just like how this cysts have decided to grow so out of proportion and now I am just waiting for my surgery date.

When I read the IVF support group thread, I sometimes feel like I want to leave a note/message but then what do I know about IVF when I havent even done it before? I am happy for every single one of them who has started or who are going to start the cycle soon. For those of them who are in the midst of the cycle, my prayers are with them. Hoping that they will achieve the success that they had dream of for the longest time ever. As for me, yes April will be the month I will start on the cycle, provided nothing else gets in the way. Could it be earlier? I don't think so as at this point of time I don't think I want to miss work.

Yes! At the current moment, I am still thinking about work. I really respect all the ladies in the thread that has quit their job to be on this journey. I don't think I can afford it. I still want my financial independence. I really do not like to be fully dependent on my hubby. Not that I don't trust him or anything but at this current moment, I can do what I want with my own money. Purchase all the books I want to meet my needs for intellectual stimulation, travel with him around the world, eat out with my family and friends. But without work, I have to put all these aside. Am I willing to let go of that? Seriously? NO.

Yes I am being selfish. But this is for my own sanity. Can you imagine what I will become if I were to quit my job and then this journey doesn't end the way I want it to be? Anyway, hopefully with me working I will be able to do more cycles if (touch wood) the first try doesnt work.

Okay got to go now. Gotta pack my luggage. I am leaving in 2 days and my luggage is still empty. Just too lazy to do it. But I am looking forward to the trip. Hahaha... How much more confused can I get?