7 Not So Random Things About Me

I was tagged by Virginia a few weeks back. I have been drafting the entry for a very long time. It is just that this post is not that easy. I can't seem to find the 7 not so random things about me. Hmmm...

1. I have had 5 ex boyfriends (the 1st bf was when I was 12) before I met up with hubby during my university days. My longest relationship with my ex boyfriend never last longer than a year. Once they get too close, I start to run. Hubby was the only stubborn one who doesn't want to go away. I tried ways and means to make him go away. Ask him how much we fought and argued. But he still stayed on.
2. I "met" hubby through another guy whom I got to know through the net. The other guy asked hubby how I looked like from my college magazine and hubby said I am not that guy's type. The guy didn't meet up with me and just stop messaging. When hubby started dating me, the guy got upset with hubby. Hahaha..
3. I hate eating my veges. I tried once in a while but it just doesn't go well with my throat. I will pick at my food. For example if I am eating fried noodles and there are bean sprouts in it, I will take my time and pick out the bean sprout one by one.
4. I am a movie freak. I will catch most movies at the cinema. But if I dont get to do that, I will purchase the VCDs and catch them at home. I have more than 100 VCDs now.
5. I know where I live is summer all year round but I love Spring. I visited Korea during Spring and it was awesome. Weather was cooling. Not humid.
6. My work is my passion. I have dreamt of doing what I am doing since I was a young girl. I used to line up my teddy bears and distribute books and pretend I was teaching them. And now I am doing what I love doing.
7. Last but not least I hate plain water. I don't really drink my water without any flavour. I need them sweet. Syrup, isotonic drinks anything except plain water.

SO there you have it. 7 NOT so random things about me. That took me longer than I had expected. Now I am supposed to pass this on to few more people to get it going. Hmmm... I am not sure whether any of you have done this before. If you have, then please ignore this tag of mine. They are:

• My Grasp at Sanity
• The Wayward Stork
• Wishing4one
• Fertile Ramblings

Wrecked. Disappointed. Hurt

That's an understatement of how I am feeling right now. I am a wrecked. That's a better word. I am a mess. Emotions are running haywire. Yes maybe it was the hormones. But at the end of the day my question is why can't you just try to understand how I feel. Why can't you put yourself in my shoes? I have always tried to be there for you in everything you do so why can't you support me now? I don't really need you to do anything beyond your capabilities. I just need you to be there as my moral support. Stand by my side. Listen and once it was over we can leave.

But no. You had to make a big fuss over it. Give all kind of excuses that just doesn't make sense to me. If you don't want to be there just say it don't have to twist and turn and make up excuses after excuses. I am so disappointed at this very moment. I am not sure whether I am more disappointed with him or with myself. Perhaps I should just learn to control my emotions a little more. But at the end of the day, if he can raise his voice and not even try to control his emotions why should I.

Tears are welling in my eyes as I wrote this entry. I don't even know why. Perhaps I am just so upset. Upset at how much he has changed. He used to be there for me for EVERYTHING. He used to support me in ALL that I do. But for some reason, he has decided that that has to change. Or perhaps I was the one who had changed.

My work has been my passion since young. I love my kids. They are like the kids that I can't have. I spent more than 8 hours a day with them. I laughed with them, cried with them, joked with them and advised them on life. Now all I wanted to do was be there for them when they receive their results. N I want him to be there with me. This is the last time I am going to be seeing them. The last time I am going to step foot in that building. ONE LAST TIME. Why can't he just understand that?

Well perhaps it is just my hormones reacting. Or perhaps it is a legitimate fear. Fear that he has change into someone I don't know anymore. Fear that this is the start of a horrible nightmare.

You are my personal brand of heroin...

Okay I know that this blog is specifically set up to write about my journey towards motherhood but since I can't start on my treatment anytime soon, there is really nothing much for me to write about. Therefore more often than not, in the next 3 months my entry will be somewhat similar to the following entry.

I was out with sis and hubby today and we had fun. Like we always do. The day started off with us making our way to Jalan Besar Stadium to purchase this...

So me, hubby and sis are going to show our support to the National Team in the 2nd leg of the semi finals. Let's hope they do well tomorrow in Vietnam so that they will come in with an advantage.

After purchasing the soccer tickets, we went to collect our movie tickets next which was showing at 2.40pm. Since we were early we went to have lunch first at an Indonesian Restaurant. The food was really not bad. But since I am still recuperating from my surgery, I am watching what I eat - some soup and fish with rice. So what movie did we watch... Let me give you a clue: "The lion has fallen for the lamb"....

Still no idea??? "Twilight, again. Another ending. No matter how perfect the day is, it always has to end." That should help right??? Let me leave all of you with a few pictures of the movie... ooohhhh...I AM IN LOVE!!!

Does that make me less of a woman?

I woke up today to a rainy Sunday. N today is the day I decide to feel sorry for myself. I woke up feeling so low. I messaged hubby who was at work and tears started welling my eyes. ALL I wanted is a child with him, the love of my life. I am not asking for anything more. But time and time again, I was tested. First it was the low sperm count and motility, then come the HUGE cysts, then come the hormones suppression. What's next?

With the hormones suppression, my menses will not come. I feel so much less of a woman. I mean what is the use of me being a woman if I can't have my menses, produce my own eggs and have my own baby. Yes it will only be for 3 months but it is 3 months too long. Hmmm...

Messaged hubby about my fears. Fear that I won't be able to have our own kids, fear that he might leave me for another. Fear that I can't get through all these obstcles and challenges. His next messgae did not totally rid me of my fears but it does make me feel better.

"Of course you can get through this. You got me. I love you sayang. You can't put a timetable of when you want a child. Plan yes. Execute yes. The rest is beyond our powers. Sayang I got you. That's enough for me. Children are the bonus. You can't give up hope just bcoz of small Tests by Allah. U never lose any limbs or senses. To me all this just keeps reminding me of how blessed I am to have you as my wife. Every obstacles we overcome just reinforced my belief that something wonderful is awaiting us at the end of it."

So here I am... Yes, in the next few months I will at times wake up feeling very insecure about my womanhood. I will at times wake up with the most unreasonable fear that my husband gonna love me less and leave me for another. But at the end of the day, with God's Grace, I believe me and hubby will get through this and when we do get through this I know we will be a stronger couple.

My Surgery - Laparoscopy/Cystectomy

I just got back from hospital today. Feeling much better than I was 2 days ago. Still feeling a little drowsy from all the drugs. Now resting at home with the help of my sister and mother. She has been cooking porridge and soup for me. Yesterday was chicken soup with fishball and today was beefball with potatoes. I wouldn't be eating this kind of food if I am not sick. Walking is still a pain. The 3 "punctured" wounds are are healing but it is still a bit swollen. Sitting, walking trying to get up is a pain.

Anyway, my surgery went rather well. I wake up at 5.15am on Wednesday. Bathe, got ready and sent dad to work first before we headed to KKH. Reached hospital at 6.50am, checked in with the nurse and was asked to change into my operation gown. Hubby not around yet as he was working night shift. But having mama, sis, bro and his fiance there was a relief. I was scared but I just prayed for the best. I was brought in at 8am. Waited in the OT room for Dr Sadhana to arrive. She arrived 15 minutes later. Talked to me, explained to me about my surgery. The MO and anasthesist came in, talk to me for a while, injected some medication into my IV and I felt as if I was dreaming and flying into the air, saw a mask put on me then before I knew it I was woken up. That was almost 3 hours later at around 12 noon. The pictures below showed my womb before and after the surgery.


The first picture shows my ovaries. Can you see that white bloated thing? That's my right ovary with all the endometriosis inside. Normal ovary size will only be one eighth of that. So you can imagine how big my cysts are. My womb is behind that ovary. and my left ovary is hidden behind the womb. My tubes are Thank God not blocked just swollen. The third picture shows my shrunk ovaries and the 4th one are all the blood being sucked out. That was one painful surgery but i hope everything goes well after this.

In my previous entry I did mention that we are going to start naturally once my wound heals but then after the surgery, Dr Sadhana suggest that I let my wound heals thoroughly. So she is putting me on a GNHR injection for the next 3 months starting from yesterday to suppressed my hormones and prevent my menses for coming for the next 3 months. This is to prevent the endometriosis to come back and affect my surgery area. So yes. No 2ww for the next 3 months. Just me and hubby enjoying ourself, on our honeymoon once more. Then comes April once my menses arrive, I will call KKIVF and start on my IVF cycle. Let's hope everything goes well after this.

For all those who are having very painful period as well one that is heavy for 2 days then light for the rest of the days pls get yourself check out before your cysts gets too big. Coz if it is small you can reduce it just by taking medication rather than surgery. So learn from me and get yourself check out okay...

I am gonna get some rest now. See you all another time once I am feeling much better.

Friends - Real or Imaginary?

Just a little introduction for the entry coz I do not want people to misunderstand the nature of this entry. I am not writing this because I am angry with the lady friend of mine mention in it. This blog has never been about other people. It is about me. How I am worried about making this site a public one. N how I have lost someone I called a friend. N how I am afraid of losing more friends if they knew about my IF.

Here I am in in this world of IF. I used to be denial saying that it can't be happening to me. Of all people why me? But after 2 years, I began to come to terms with it. Along the way, I have gotten to know people (in real life) that are in the same boat as me. Thinking that they will understand how I felt, I too share my story with them. A few became my close friends, while there is one who has somehow along the way turn her back on me. I am not sure what her reasons are.

Due to this reason I have become more and more sceptical about being friends in real life with people who has face IF. I worry the same thing will happen all over again. It hurts to lose a friend you know. That is why I have kept this blog of mine a faceless one. I appreciate the friendship, advices, wishes and prayers from all you ladies out there. But to make this blog an open one, I am not ready. I have to think of my husband, my family and our friends. What if they stumble about this blog and finds out our problem? Will they remain my friends? Or like the lady I mention above, turn their back on me and leave as if I have a contagious, dreaded disease?

So what happens with that particular lady you may ask? Well, just like me she faces IF too. Just that our issues are totally different. Mine being Male IF factor, hers is because of a blocked fallopian tube. Even after an op to supposedly repair the tube, she was still not able to conceive. During this time, I was trying IUI. After her op, she tried IVF for the first time and with God's Grace, she got pregnant. I was truly happy for her. I prayed for her safe pregnancy and wishes her all the best. But somehow, after telling me that she was pregnant, she suffered a miscarriage. She was angry. She was upset. In fact, I forgave her for the unpleasant things she said to me during the moment of anger. I understood her feelings although I, myself have never experienced such loss before. Since then our friendship began to distance.

6 months later, I happen to stumble upon her blog once again and learn that she has gone through IVF for a second time and now she is pregnant with triplets. I was happy for her. I messaged her and wished her all the best. She didn't reply my message, never return my call and practically blew me off. Why the arrogance? Why the attitude? I understand your need for privacy but since you put it up on the net, it means that you want to share it with people, right? Wrong?

So yes here I am losing a friend. Am I ready to lose more friends? No I am not. But I sure am glad I shared my stories here as through this site, I have manage to "meet" people from all over the world that I can truly call a friend. A real friend to share my ups and downs (which is more common in this journey of overcoming IFs), more real than those that I personally know in real life.

"To all you ladies who has been my pillar of strength, my support, my advisor, I would like to say a HUGE THANK YOU. You are my real friends."

Adoption and Surrogacy...

2 commonly used terms among people in the IF sphere. After trying IUI/IVF for many many years and still not able to conceive, what's next? Adoption or surrogacy? This particular entry of mine is NOT to impose my opinion on others. It is just something I strongly feel about. I apologise in advance if whatever I am going to write will hurt anyone's feelings. This is just MY opinion. To each is his own. Personally if God decides that I am not going to be able to be pregnant with my own kids after IUI/IVF, I will choose adoption over surrogacy.

Before I go into the reasons behind my choice. Let's take a look at what surrogacy is all about. Surrogacy is a method of reproduction whereby a woman agrees to become pregnant and deliver a child for a contracted party. She may be the child's genetic mother (the more traditional form of surrogacy), or she may, as a gestational carrier, carry the pregnancy to delivery after having been implanted with an embryo. Or it could just be donor sperm/egg.

There are 4 types of surrogacy.
(1) In traditional surrogacy (aka the Straight method) the surrogate is pregnant with her own biological child, but this child was conceived with the intention of relinquishing the child to be raised by others; by the biological father and possibly his spouse or partner, either male or female. The child may be conceived via home artificial insemination using fresh or frozen sperm or impregnated via IUI (intrauterine insemination), or ICI (intra cervical insemination) which is performed at a fertility clinic.

(2) In gestational surrogacy (aka the Host method) the surrogate becomes pregnant via embryo transfer with a child of which she is not the biological mother. She may have made an arrangement to relinquish it to the biological mother or father to raise, or to a parent who is themselves unrelated to the child (e. g. because the child was conceived using egg donation, sperm donation or is the result of a donated embryo). The surrogate mother may be called the gestational carrier.

(3) Altruistic surrogacy is a situation where the surrogate receives no financial reward for her pregnancy or the relinquishment of the child (although usually all expenses related to the pregnancy and birth are paid by the intended parents such as medical expenses, maternity clothing, and other related expenses).[1]

(4) Commercial surrogacy is a form of surrogacy in which a gestational carrier is paid to carry a child to maturity in her womb and is usually resorted to by well off infertile couples who can afford the cost involved or people who save and borrow in order to complete their dream of being parents. This procedure is legal in several countries including in India where due to excellent medical infrastructure, high international demand and ready availability of poor surrogates it is reaching industry proportions. Commercial surrogacy is sometimes referred to by the emotionally charged and potentially offensive terms "wombs for rent", "outsourced pregnancies" or "baby farms".

Okay now back to why I choose Adoption over surrogacy. Personally, although I know that adoption will means that that child is not my own, at least I know that I am giving that child a place called home. Surrogacy especially one that uses a donor egg/sperm is firstly NOT ALLOWED in my religion. How I see it is, it is almost similar to having my husband be intimate with another woman and vice versa. This is one of the reasons why I will not be able to see myself using donor eggs/sperms. This is also the reason why I choose to get rid of my frozen embryo once my 10 years for storage is up. I can't foresee knowing that somehow there are "my kids" running around out there that I don't know about. What if in the long run, that kid meet with my kid and they fell in love. Wouldn't that be a HUGE disaster??? So yes, if Fate has it that I am not meant to be a mother to my own kids, I will resort to Adoption and be a mother to kids that are need.

P.S: No harm is intended from this entry of mine. I am just stating my own opinion. Hope I didn't hurt anyone whether intentionally or unintentionally.

4 more days and counting down

I have been counting down and it is 4 more days to my surgery. Was out with hubby to the market today. Yes I go to the market. That might be surprising. But yes I do cook. From time to time. Ermmmm okay ocassionally....

We went to the market to get some ingredients for the dishes that I am going to prepare. What am I going to prepare? Still tentative I think. My mind says one thing but my body says another. I am still getting back into gear after my vacation. That's the thing about holidays. You feel tired way after the vacation is over. N have I mention that I have still ALOT of laundry to do. Luckily my housekeeper is coming in today. At least she can help me with the ironing and vacuuming and mopping. Yup I do only stay in a 5 Room Flat but the cleaning can take me ages to do.

We have bought some chicken, beef and prawns.All of them are in the fridge right now. I am just procrastinating on what to do. Hubby just left for work. He is on afternoon shif today. He has promised to help me with the frying when he gets back... So yes while I am fretting over what to cook for this coming Sunday, time is ticking.

Keep me in your prayers okay ladies. If I don't get to write till my surgery, I wish all ladies who are doing their IVF/IUI cycle all the best. To those waiting for the BT, good luck and May God Bless you with a bundle of joy soon.

On time as usual

As usual, the dreaded visitor came to visit in the wee hours of the morning. On the dot Day 29. In my 27 years (15 years of receiving her visits), never once had she been late. I used to think how lucky I was but then now that I am on this route, I just wish that for once she comes later than usual. But I guess not.

Now with her presence, I can start counting down to the 10th of December. Of course I am not looking forward to it but if it going to make my journey to parenthood a little smoother so be it. Hubby was lying on the sofa then he called for me. He held me in his arms and mumbled something. He said he did not like that I had to go through surgery. I said then perhaps he can go through it for me. N what he said next brought tears to my eyes. If I could I would. How romantic is that?

I mean after being together for almost 7 years and married for 4, you wouldn't expect that sort of thing, would you? We love each other, I love him more than anything else. We still walk hand in hand, feed each other food and steal a kiss once in a while in public. But we are not the kind that verbalise our feelings. We usually show our feelings through our everyday actions rather than through words. But what he said yesterday was truly very sweet and it touched me deeply.

So here I am right now, waiting for my surgery date. Am I scared? Of course I am. Am I worried? Definitely. During the surgery, you never know what's going to happen since you are under anasthesia. Will I wake up only to discover that the worst had happen? Well for now, I am just going to think positive and remain strong for both me and hubby. I can't look scared or worried in front of hubby as it will affect him. I know I can get through this. Insya Allah.

I am BACK!!!

Did anyone miss me while I was gone? Hehehe... I know I am shameless. But well to tell you the truth I miss you ladies. I miss reading your entry, your comments etc.

"To Lisa, CONGRATS girl. Both you and hubby deserve all the happiness after all that you have been through."

So where have I been? I have been here...

I truly enjoyed myself. We had a difficult time when it comes to food at Disneyland. But when we were in Hong Kong itself, we were in a food and shopping paradise. There were so many Muslim food available. I was in heaven. For a moment I did forget about my pending surgery and my postponed IVF treatment. I was living the moment.

Now that I am back, I am starting to worry about the outcome of my surgery and the possibility of our dreams coming true. With God's Grace it will happen. It is just that we don't know when. To all those whom I have missed your BFP - Congrats from me. Pls take care of yourself and the little one. Have a smooth 9 months ahead.

Alyssa_r - How are your treatments coming along. Hope to hear good
news from you soon.

Liana, Farhan & Juliah - Where have you ladies
been? Hope you ladies are doing well. Do keep in touch ok.