Believe me when I say...

Friends, please believe me when I say that I am truly very happy and excited for all of you if you were to receive the BFP. I am but please don't rub it in my face. I will be very glad if you share the news with me. It makes me feel as if I am important enough in your life that you want to share such a news with me.

"Farhan, I am very happy for you. I wish you all the best in your pregnancy. I pray that everything will go as plan and may you have a smooth pregnancy and have a bouncing baby boy/girl in 9 months time. The following entry is NOT about you ok

My weekend was almost perfect. That is until I receive THE news. I was told that my bestfriend who was married to my hubby's besfriend who was married a year later than us is expecting their second child. Hmmmm... If that wasn't bad enough. I was reminded that I still had nothing when my best friend is already going to have 2. Not that I do not want any. I just can't have them yet. I wish the situation is different. I wish .... Well what is the point of wishing if you know it is not going to come true.

According to my count down ticker counter, I am supposed to be getting my period tomorrow. This will be my 2nd menses that I am gonna miss due to hormones suppression. I am sure not missing visits from AF just yet. I wish I am not receiving AF visit due to pregnancy and not because of hormones suppression but well... we just have to wait for a bit more. 83 more days to be exact!!! That seems like a long way to go. Well I truly hope that with my busy schedule at work time will pass by more quickly. I am gonna take a week at a time.

How do I show that I am truly happy when there is a part of me that do feel jealous that they are having what I have dreamt of for a very long time. 4 years 4 months to be exact. I do want to feel all they symptoms. I take the symptoms all in my stride if only I could be pregnant and have a baby/babies of my own. I am not getting any younger and my house has been rather empty and quiet for a very long time. Hubby and I are enjoying our twosome together but the stretch is getting too much to handle. I want to lose sleep looking after our babies, I want to gain weight from the pregnancy. But for now, I shall just be contented with what I have... Great friends, wonderful family and a loving, caring and understanding husband. To all my friends, I can definitely use the following...
Please strengthen me, bless me and encourage me. I am in need of it. I am currently at my lowest low. I guess it is the hormones doing the talking. I hope I will be better when weekend comes.Please don't get me wrong. Emotionally I am okay. Just a little off balance I guess. I am happy but being happy doesn't mean everything is alright/perfect. The following banner summarise everything about how I am feeling.

I am still alive and kicking

It has been a while since I last wrote. Well first thing first I have been swarmed like crazy at work. There are just far too many things to do. At work, marking is never ending. Lesson preparation is non stop. Worksheet creation is an everyday affair. My work is taking my time away from hubby. We are spending just so little time together. With this long weekend (4 days to be exact), I am hoping I will get to spend some real quality time with him.

Today he is on afternoon shift. Since he is at work, I am planning to finish up some work and do some reading so that when he is home I can just spend time with him. We went to the supermarket today to purchase some groceries since the shop is gonna be closed till Wednesday. For now I have not started any work yet. I am just dragging and procrastinating. No work on Monday means it gives me more time to do things for me.

We do not have plans for anything yet tomorrow. We shall see. But Monday we are going to the place we first dated at, celebrated pur birthday together... Here...


It is going to be a family outing. I know there are gonna be tons of people there but who cares as long as I am spending time with loved ones.

Now back to my journey to motherhood... Nothing much is happening on that front. I am currently still suffering from all the symptoms of menopause. Some days they are bearable, some days they just get really horrible. The hot flashes, mood swings you name it. Hubby has been on the receiving end of my symptoms. Poor hubby!!!

Tentatively my period is supposed to come in 4 days time. But because of the suppression it won't be coming till April. When it does come, it will be time for me to continue with my IVF journey. I am very excited. I told hubby that if I get a positive result from it, I wanna take the full 60 days of hospitalisation leave. I want my 1st trimester to be over before coming back to work. If only I was at my old workplace, this decision would have been so much easier. Here, it is a little tougher because I am still trying to plant my feet firmly into the ground. Previously my position was more or less stable. Hmmm... Do I regret my decision? Sometimes I do. Was it a hasty decision on my part? Maybe. But then again here, I have more time after work. I am done as early as 3pm and only on certain days do I finish at 6pm.

Well let's not turn back now. Let's make the best out of the situations that I am currently in. If I choose to take all the leave I have what can the management do. Possibly give me a D at the review meeting but other than that I guess I should be okay. So which is more important at this moment: WORK or STARTING A FAMILY? That's a no brainer. Of course starting a family!!! So when the time comes and I have to choose, I will choose whatever that will lead me towards starting a family.

With that I shall take my leave now. Need to start a little on my work. Till I write again. SHould be soon enough since I will not be at work till Wednesday.

Swarm at work!!!

Goodness I barely have time to breathe. I can't write long. I was sick over the weekends thus didn't do much work. So now trying to prepare as much for the week's lessons and trying to catch up on my marking.

Se you over the long weekends. It is Chinese New Year here next Monday and Tuesday Thus I will have Saturday, Sunday, Monday and Tuesday. I hope I have more time to write by then. N more time to recover from my cold and flu. It has been lingering for a week now. It doesn't help that I have to raise my voice and "fight" with my students' noise ALL the TIME. Why can't they just pay attention???

Time for me to go... See everyone again once the weekend comes.

Short entry for the week

As usual busy as a bee. The day started off hectic at work. What's new right? Anyway,I rush off to KK today after work. Manage to reach the pharmacy before 4pm, got my medicine and off to Room 2 at Clinic D. The staff nurse that attended to me was very nice and friendly. She tried to chat with me while giving the injection so that I don't really feel the tinge. We talked and she asked whether I have had any symptoms taking the injection. Let me tell you...it is one damn expensive medicine ok. For a one month supply it cost me $256. On top of that the medicine will supposedly give me menopausal symptoms like hot flushes, irritability etc. How nice!!! I paid so much for something that is going to makes me feel bad???

Then she said..."You are still young so why go through IVF?" I explained about the low motility and count plus the persistent cysts in my ovaries. You see... IF doesn't only affect the older group. It can affect us, 'younger' ones too. By the way, I don't think I am getting any younger. I will 28 this year... 2 years to 30 and I do want to have my own kids before I reach the BIG 30... Well I can plan but the rest is truly in Allah's hands. I can just hope and pray for the best.

By the way, my reason for writing is to say that the symptoms is starting to take effect. I woke up from my nap feeling very hot. I was really feeling very warm. My face is all hot. N it is only the first day... Oh God please give me strength!!!

Time to sign off. Got lots of work to do. Till the weekend.

Weekends are here!!!

Finally the weekends are here. I am so looking forward to it. I have plan to sleep in on Saturday and Sunday. It has been a busy week for me. Let me update both on the personal as well as work front.

Personal
I went to see Dr Sadhana on the 6th of January. Took time off from work. She removed the stitches from my surgery area and we spoke a little about my plans for IVF. I still have 2 more injections of GnHR. She also mentioned that the menopausal syndromes is gonna be even greater than what I had experience previously. She had warned hubby about it. Hubby just laughed it off. I truly hope that everything is going to be okay. I seriously do not want to "blast off" at hubby you see. I am never good at handling PMS. SO I am going to KK Clinic D once more this coming Monday, 12th Jan for my second dosage of injection. Other than just waiting for my menses to come some where in March and calling KKIVF on my first day in April to get my blood works done coz it expires in April, there is really nothing much to talk about in this aspect. Can someone wake me up when April comes?

Work
I have been pretty busy. If you notice I have not written for a few days coz on weekdays when I come back usually I am just too tired to do anything. I will nap a bit then wake up and prepare work for the following day's lessons. That's my routine for the last week. N I believe it is not gonna change any time soon. How is my new environment you may ask? Well different but NICE change. I do miss my old colleagues though. I am more familiar with them and with some I have build a pretty strong friendship but well... I need to make changes.


It is kind of late. I have alot of markings to do, worksheets and notes to prepare so yup I gotta go now. Leaving all of you with a picture of my work desk that I have somehow decorated a little.

Sorry pictures had to be removed for safety reasons...

Busy time at work

People with goals succeed. I have GOALS. Hope I will achieve success in the near future.

Work has started for me on the 2nd of January. It was a short day at work before the weekend was here again. It does give me some space to breathe and time to adjust to being back at work. The kids were definitely not ready to start lesson. Basically there were only introduction and some admin matters. Lesson proper should start this coming week. Lessons and worksheets are all prepared. I wonder how the kids will respond to my lessons. I guess I will know starting from tomorrow.

Please do not expect much entry from me in the next week or so. Maybe just short update at the side. It is a busy time at work for me. I can barely breathe over the weekends. Spend some time out with hubby on Saturday, then the whole of today was spend at home finishing my lesson planning.

Tuesday I will be taking time off to go for my Dr appointment at KK. Looking forward to seeing Dr Sadhana and hearing what she has to say about my wounds as well as my plans to do IVF in April. Hope to hear good news. That will be a good start to the new year. Hubby and me looking forward to the possibility. We don't have to have a baby by this year (that is not possible if we start IVF in April unless a miracle happen between now till April) but we do really hope that we get pregnant this year. Praying and crossing my fingers and toes.

By the way did I mention that my bills for the bilateral laparascopy came a day before new year. What a present!!! I almost had a heart attack. Gosh!!! Thank god I am postponing my IVF treatment. At least it will give me some time to save some money for my medication. Choke...choke... N in this difficult times... Ouch!!!

Okay it is getting late. Time for me to get some sleep. Need to go to work later...

Goodbye 2008, Welcome 2009

As we bid goodbye to 2008 and welcome 2009, I began to reminiscene on my past year. the things that I have done that I am proud as well as ashame of. Well there are a few. But the new year shall bring me new hope. I am praying that 2009 will be a better year for both me and hubby as well as everyone we know. So what am I looking forward to in this coming 2009?

Marriage: I am praying that as we reached our 5th year of marriage our love for each other gets stronger. I pray that we will be as happy or even happier that we have been. No matter what life throws at us, we will be able to face it together. N of course if God decides to answer my previous year's wish, a little me or hubby would be nice to add to our twosome.

Work: I hope that my transfer to this new workplace had been a wonderful and correct move. I hope to make new close colleagues just like how I had in my previous workplace. I hope to be able to be a better educator, teaching my students lesson in the book as well as in life.

Family: I couldn't have asked for a better family. I wish my parents will continue to have good health and abundant wealth. I pray that my sister and brother will be able to achieve their dreams and may they grow to be better off than I am.

Last but not least to all my readers here... Let me leave all of you with something.

Officially OVER

Today was it. It was OFFICIALLY OVER. What you may ask? My period that is. AF has decided to make its exit. After almost 5 or was it 6 days? Well I am just glad it left before New Year. That would have stink. Anyway, AF visit this month has been pretty quiet too. Thus there hasn't been much activity.

Then there are also things happening at my work place. I started work at my new place. Attended their staff meeting on Monday. Was introduce to their staff. They look pretty friendly. Some were very helpful with the things that I need. My new work space is also much bigger compared tp the one I had previously. For now, I am doing good I guess. I did drop by my previous school to sign some form, collect some items and return some materials. I don't miss that place but I do miss some of my colleagues there. I hope I will be able to make some close colleagues here. I am psyching myself up. I know this is for the best. Especially after I went back today. I know for sure I have made the right decision. I guess between me and my preivous work place... we are OFFICIALLY OVER now.

Being new here, I might have to start learning all over again. I will have to probably make some changes and learn new things. I used to be afraid. Today I am choosing to overcome that fear and hopefully learn as much as possible. It is not gonna be easy but I have to make this change and I am not gonna let fear get in the way. CONFIDENCE is the word for today.

Follow my heart...

The last 2 days has been pretty quiet except for the fact that (TMI ALERT): my period seems to have come and visit 5 days earlier than the expected date. I was not really expecting it to come coz firstly I was on the GnHR injection for 3 months, which was supposed to suppress my hormones and to stop my menses from coming back. This is so that to give my little ovary a break from the tedious monthly "work". But 2 days ago, as I was sitting right here in front of my computer, I feel a little wet you know where. Took a tissue, wipe it and lo and behold.

So I guess, AF do decide to drop by one last time. Well one good thing about her visit this time around is, there was no back pain, no abdominal cramps, just a little mood swing. Hey if this is how her visit is gonna be after the surgery, I guess it was worth it to go for the surgery after all.

I have been very apprehensive the last few days about my pending meeting in my new school. A little nervous about it. I mean, in my previous school, you can consider me as one of the "older" staff. Here I will be one of the newbies. Don't know how the people there will react to my present. Not sure whether the students will be able to accept me as their teacher. I mean looking at it, 2 of the classes that I am taking should have been previously taught by someone else so it might not be that easy as they might already have a particular way of learning. My heart has not been at ease. Hope it will get better after tomorrow's meeting.

Then tonight, I came across the following and it somehow manage to ease me a little.

To some extent I think I should stop second guessing myself. Just like how I chose to call KKIVF and start on my IVF treatment, I should also stop second guessing myself when it comes to work matters. I should have more faith in my capabilities and know that I will do what's best for the students.

The day after Christmas

To everyone who celebrates Christmas... MERRY CHRISTMAS!!! Sorry my message came a little late but better late than never right. My most sincere apologies. Well what was I doing on Christmas day? The last I checked, nothing much. Work is starting on Monday. Not fully, just a staff meeting. Official work will start on Friday, 2nd January 2009. So yesterday, I decided to get off my couch and start with my re-packing and re-filling of all the resources that I have accumulated.

Not much was done actually. I just managed to relabel some of my filing rack and files. Did I mention that I will be teaching ALL Maths classes this coming year? It is a tentative deployment. Will be confirmed by Monday. Looking at that tentative deployment, I will also be teaching all upper sec classes. Hmmm... Am I capable of doing it? If it was in my previous school, I would say not a problem. But here, with a co-ed school. new colleagues, new management, will I be able to survive? I am praying that I will. I am hoping that things will be better here than where I was previously. I really do not wish to move again. It was painful to leave the students that I have loved and the colleagues that have become family. So we'll see. Perhaps the new year will bring me a little bit more courage to face the future and what is in store for me.

Today has been another quiet day. I don't feel like going anywhere. Reason? Please refer to previous posts. Yes, I am jealous. Jealous of people who has the family that I am struggling to start. It has been almost 4 years since I first said maybe next year we will be spending it with little me and little hubby. This year is no different from other years. It has been 8 years since we have been together, married for 4 and still nothing to show for it. Our love for each other is still strong or perhaps stronger after all that we have been through. Today shall be the last day this year that I am going to mourn and feel sorry for myself. I found something on the net today. I shall leave you all with it.