Still breathing

Since I last counted down, 22 days has passed. Now I am left with roughly 57 days till I start my IVF cycle. WOW!!! Time sure fly by. Well not as if I didnt notice. I did. There are times I feel as if the clock is crawling. But with work right on my trail, I have very little time to breathe and think about other things. Planning hubby's birthday celebration has also taken some time out of my free time. I love what I had planned for hubby. I mean yes it is taking a sum of money out from my savings but since we do not have anything plan as per now I guess it was okay for me to splurge a little to pend on us. This will give us some US time... Time rejuvenate, time to rest and relax.

I will let you know of the detailed birthday celebrations after it is done coz I know there is a possibility hubby is reading this site of mine. Hubby's birthday falls on the 25th of February. His celebration has started from the weekend. We went out on a date on Saturday Night. We went to catch a movie at Lido. Caught the following movie:


Nice romantic show. We both loved it. Before that had dinner at Royal Plaza on Scotts. NIce ambience. Lovely food. Hubby enjoyed himself. So did I.

Since his birthday is on a weekday and I can't get away, I have planned for something else this coming weekend. I am so excited. Can't wait for the weekends to come. I am sure we have a hell of a wonderful time...

On the TTC front, nothing much is happening, just that my next period is due on my hubby's birthday. How ironical!!! After which, I will be waiting for the dreaded AF visit the following month and everything will take on speed from then on. I am still hoping for some miracles that I don't even have to wait for the next AF visit. Perhaps... Maybe by some miracle I will get pregnant by then. Hahaha... There I go again hoping for something that I roughly know might not happen but who knows? Till my next entry (which I seriously don't know when). Have a good week ahead people...

Symptoms/Side effects

It is 10 more days till my next period. But I know it will not be coming once again. After the 10 days, I will be counting down to another 28 more days hoping that AF comes to visit then. If it does then I can start counting to my 21st day to once again start on my lucrin shots. Talking about lucrin. It has not been a good partnership.

I hope during the lucrin shots later I won't be feeling as much symptom as I am feeling right now. I guess it depends on the amount I have to take.

Current symptoms: Bloated tummy (my students asked whether I am pregnant- I wish I could say yes), hot flushes, weight gain that is hard to lose, the need to pee very often, tiredness, sleepiness.

Hope time will fly. I can't wait. I wish to be able to feel my babies in me and 9 months later hold them in my arms. I can wish can't I?

HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY

To all the readers of my blog, here is wishing you a very Happy Valentine's Day. May you enjoy today with your loved ones. I am currently enjoying myself just waking up late in the hands of my beloved hubby. We are going out soon. We are going to attend some carnival. After which we are going out for dinner to celebrate my mum's birthday. So exciting!!!

Will write more when I get back. There is nothing much happening in the last week or so except for feeling really bloated. Hot flushes thank god is under control. Not as bad. Currently waiting for this cycle to end. After that count down time. Not sure how I am gonna inform the management when I start to take leave often. Not sure whether I should let them in on what I am going through but then again, being new that's probably not a good idea. I am trying to time my treatment as much as possible so that it won't affect my work.

I have roughly about 66 days to think about it. That's about 2 months. Should give me ample time to think. Okaylah enough ranting. Time for me to go get ready. Mum is coming to fetch us soon.

Last shot!!!

Hooray, today was a good day after all. It didnt start off good at all. First my Monday time table stinks lah. No breather at all. Then came the students' attitude. Wah I truly feel like slapping him in the face. The attitude he shows is just ridiculous. N he calls himself a student. But after recess, after I have calm myself down with some prayers taught by my mum, he actually came to me along the corridor and apologise and promise to be a good boy. Strange but okay.

This was after i shed a tear during recess quietly at my desk. Well who else can I share my "problems" with. Here I have no close friends to go to. Neither do I trust anyone much. Well... Let's not dwell on the past. As I was talking to mama today, she mentioned we must learn to be appreciative of what we have. In this case, being here, I have more free time after school and thus I am able to leave as early as 3pm and can go proceed with my treatment without having to take time off or leave or MC. Just like today.

Went to school as per normal. Then mama came to fetch me at 3pm. We made our way to KK hospital. Took a while to find a parking lot. Then the queue at the pharmacy was a nightmare. Luckily we managed to get to the clinic by 4.15pm. Waited for a bit and got Nurse Catherine to do my final Lucrin shot before I start on my IVF journey once again. This is getting so exciting. I can't wait and I have been counting down. I have also conscientiously try to not bring work home during the weekdays and to spend a little more time for myself.

With this last shot of Lucrin, I seem to be having double the dosage of symptoms: Hot Flushes, High Temperature, Mood Swings, Bloatedness, lower abdomen cramping and many more little symptoms that I feel is too small to note.

Currently during my free time (whatever I am left with after my work) I am reading the last book of the Twilight Series - Breaking Dawn.


The book kind of consist 4 in 1 book. From Bella's point of view as well as Jacob. The book is so intriguing. I regret not reading it earlier but better late than never right?

I am also into another craze - Diner Dash. I thought I was the only one playing but according to hubby some of his friends had to give up using the computer coz their wife wanted to play Diner Dash on comp. Haha... N hubby said luckily I have my own comp. It is a fun game. SO many stages and it really puts your mind in alert mode.

Okaylah enough entry for today. I am going back to relaxing mode... Till my next entry!!!

One down one more to go

4 days ago I was supposed to be getting my menses. But thanks to the suppression AF didnt come. Can you hear the hint of sarcasm there? AF has always be prompt with her visit. The only way it was going to be kept away is by suppressing it.So yes, for the first time in my 27years of life, AF has gone missing thanks to Lucrin. One month missing, one more month to go. I am due for another injection on the 9th of February - that's 8 days away and according to my ticker countdown, I am 11 days away from ovulation. Hmmm... Won't that then be too late to suppress my hormones? Well I am sure the Dr knows what she's doing.

I am just praying that I will still be able to handle the menopausal symptoms. Last month it has been tough. Hubby has been at the end of some of it but most of the time it was my students. Blame them for being so ridiculously lazy. Not only will they not listen when you are teaching, they won't even do their homework. N worse of all how rude some of these kids are. Their sentence are punctuated with the F-word. What is the world coming to? What are their parents doing? When I see these kids, I think twice about having my own children but then again it is all about the nurture. If you do it right from the beginning, I am sure with God's willing, they will turn out just fine.

Back to my symptoms. Damn the weather has been hot. The hot flushes is making me ridiculously hot in the face. It is so hot that it hurts. A few days ago, I started having slight twinges and cramping in my lower abdomen. Nothing to really worry about I guess coz I have had worse crampings in the past. I have been having the runs too. It has been very watery. Not sure whether it was something I ate or what. But I hope it will improve. I am planning to not waste any MCs unnecessarily. I have better plans for them in the near future.

With a weekly housekeeper, I have more time for ME time. With my lessons preparations for the next 3 weeks done, I have more time for an entry as well as to use the computer. I am currently reading the following...


My sis has gotten me hook to this. She has lent me this book for about 3 weeks now. I have just started reading a few days ago and I can't seem to put it down. It is keeping my mind off TTC issues at least for now.

Since February is the month of LOVE, I will be ending my entries for this month with banners dedicated to my loved ones especially hubby. Thank you for all the love and support you have showered me. You have been my pillar of strength and the love of my life.

Believe me when I say...

Friends, please believe me when I say that I am truly very happy and excited for all of you if you were to receive the BFP. I am but please don't rub it in my face. I will be very glad if you share the news with me. It makes me feel as if I am important enough in your life that you want to share such a news with me.

"Farhan, I am very happy for you. I wish you all the best in your pregnancy. I pray that everything will go as plan and may you have a smooth pregnancy and have a bouncing baby boy/girl in 9 months time. The following entry is NOT about you ok

My weekend was almost perfect. That is until I receive THE news. I was told that my bestfriend who was married to my hubby's besfriend who was married a year later than us is expecting their second child. Hmmmm... If that wasn't bad enough. I was reminded that I still had nothing when my best friend is already going to have 2. Not that I do not want any. I just can't have them yet. I wish the situation is different. I wish .... Well what is the point of wishing if you know it is not going to come true.

According to my count down ticker counter, I am supposed to be getting my period tomorrow. This will be my 2nd menses that I am gonna miss due to hormones suppression. I am sure not missing visits from AF just yet. I wish I am not receiving AF visit due to pregnancy and not because of hormones suppression but well... we just have to wait for a bit more. 83 more days to be exact!!! That seems like a long way to go. Well I truly hope that with my busy schedule at work time will pass by more quickly. I am gonna take a week at a time.

How do I show that I am truly happy when there is a part of me that do feel jealous that they are having what I have dreamt of for a very long time. 4 years 4 months to be exact. I do want to feel all they symptoms. I take the symptoms all in my stride if only I could be pregnant and have a baby/babies of my own. I am not getting any younger and my house has been rather empty and quiet for a very long time. Hubby and I are enjoying our twosome together but the stretch is getting too much to handle. I want to lose sleep looking after our babies, I want to gain weight from the pregnancy. But for now, I shall just be contented with what I have... Great friends, wonderful family and a loving, caring and understanding husband. To all my friends, I can definitely use the following...
Please strengthen me, bless me and encourage me. I am in need of it. I am currently at my lowest low. I guess it is the hormones doing the talking. I hope I will be better when weekend comes.Please don't get me wrong. Emotionally I am okay. Just a little off balance I guess. I am happy but being happy doesn't mean everything is alright/perfect. The following banner summarise everything about how I am feeling.

I am still alive and kicking

It has been a while since I last wrote. Well first thing first I have been swarmed like crazy at work. There are just far too many things to do. At work, marking is never ending. Lesson preparation is non stop. Worksheet creation is an everyday affair. My work is taking my time away from hubby. We are spending just so little time together. With this long weekend (4 days to be exact), I am hoping I will get to spend some real quality time with him.

Today he is on afternoon shift. Since he is at work, I am planning to finish up some work and do some reading so that when he is home I can just spend time with him. We went to the supermarket today to purchase some groceries since the shop is gonna be closed till Wednesday. For now I have not started any work yet. I am just dragging and procrastinating. No work on Monday means it gives me more time to do things for me.

We do not have plans for anything yet tomorrow. We shall see. But Monday we are going to the place we first dated at, celebrated pur birthday together... Here...


It is going to be a family outing. I know there are gonna be tons of people there but who cares as long as I am spending time with loved ones.

Now back to my journey to motherhood... Nothing much is happening on that front. I am currently still suffering from all the symptoms of menopause. Some days they are bearable, some days they just get really horrible. The hot flashes, mood swings you name it. Hubby has been on the receiving end of my symptoms. Poor hubby!!!

Tentatively my period is supposed to come in 4 days time. But because of the suppression it won't be coming till April. When it does come, it will be time for me to continue with my IVF journey. I am very excited. I told hubby that if I get a positive result from it, I wanna take the full 60 days of hospitalisation leave. I want my 1st trimester to be over before coming back to work. If only I was at my old workplace, this decision would have been so much easier. Here, it is a little tougher because I am still trying to plant my feet firmly into the ground. Previously my position was more or less stable. Hmmm... Do I regret my decision? Sometimes I do. Was it a hasty decision on my part? Maybe. But then again here, I have more time after work. I am done as early as 3pm and only on certain days do I finish at 6pm.

Well let's not turn back now. Let's make the best out of the situations that I am currently in. If I choose to take all the leave I have what can the management do. Possibly give me a D at the review meeting but other than that I guess I should be okay. So which is more important at this moment: WORK or STARTING A FAMILY? That's a no brainer. Of course starting a family!!! So when the time comes and I have to choose, I will choose whatever that will lead me towards starting a family.

With that I shall take my leave now. Need to start a little on my work. Till I write again. SHould be soon enough since I will not be at work till Wednesday.

Swarm at work!!!

Goodness I barely have time to breathe. I can't write long. I was sick over the weekends thus didn't do much work. So now trying to prepare as much for the week's lessons and trying to catch up on my marking.

Se you over the long weekends. It is Chinese New Year here next Monday and Tuesday Thus I will have Saturday, Sunday, Monday and Tuesday. I hope I have more time to write by then. N more time to recover from my cold and flu. It has been lingering for a week now. It doesn't help that I have to raise my voice and "fight" with my students' noise ALL the TIME. Why can't they just pay attention???

Time for me to go... See everyone again once the weekend comes.

Short entry for the week

As usual busy as a bee. The day started off hectic at work. What's new right? Anyway,I rush off to KK today after work. Manage to reach the pharmacy before 4pm, got my medicine and off to Room 2 at Clinic D. The staff nurse that attended to me was very nice and friendly. She tried to chat with me while giving the injection so that I don't really feel the tinge. We talked and she asked whether I have had any symptoms taking the injection. Let me tell you...it is one damn expensive medicine ok. For a one month supply it cost me $256. On top of that the medicine will supposedly give me menopausal symptoms like hot flushes, irritability etc. How nice!!! I paid so much for something that is going to makes me feel bad???

Then she said..."You are still young so why go through IVF?" I explained about the low motility and count plus the persistent cysts in my ovaries. You see... IF doesn't only affect the older group. It can affect us, 'younger' ones too. By the way, I don't think I am getting any younger. I will 28 this year... 2 years to 30 and I do want to have my own kids before I reach the BIG 30... Well I can plan but the rest is truly in Allah's hands. I can just hope and pray for the best.

By the way, my reason for writing is to say that the symptoms is starting to take effect. I woke up from my nap feeling very hot. I was really feeling very warm. My face is all hot. N it is only the first day... Oh God please give me strength!!!

Time to sign off. Got lots of work to do. Till the weekend.

Weekends are here!!!

Finally the weekends are here. I am so looking forward to it. I have plan to sleep in on Saturday and Sunday. It has been a busy week for me. Let me update both on the personal as well as work front.

Personal
I went to see Dr Sadhana on the 6th of January. Took time off from work. She removed the stitches from my surgery area and we spoke a little about my plans for IVF. I still have 2 more injections of GnHR. She also mentioned that the menopausal syndromes is gonna be even greater than what I had experience previously. She had warned hubby about it. Hubby just laughed it off. I truly hope that everything is going to be okay. I seriously do not want to "blast off" at hubby you see. I am never good at handling PMS. SO I am going to KK Clinic D once more this coming Monday, 12th Jan for my second dosage of injection. Other than just waiting for my menses to come some where in March and calling KKIVF on my first day in April to get my blood works done coz it expires in April, there is really nothing much to talk about in this aspect. Can someone wake me up when April comes?

Work
I have been pretty busy. If you notice I have not written for a few days coz on weekdays when I come back usually I am just too tired to do anything. I will nap a bit then wake up and prepare work for the following day's lessons. That's my routine for the last week. N I believe it is not gonna change any time soon. How is my new environment you may ask? Well different but NICE change. I do miss my old colleagues though. I am more familiar with them and with some I have build a pretty strong friendship but well... I need to make changes.


It is kind of late. I have alot of markings to do, worksheets and notes to prepare so yup I gotta go now. Leaving all of you with a picture of my work desk that I have somehow decorated a little.

Sorry pictures had to be removed for safety reasons...