Officially OVER

Today was it. It was OFFICIALLY OVER. What you may ask? My period that is. AF has decided to make its exit. After almost 5 or was it 6 days? Well I am just glad it left before New Year. That would have stink. Anyway, AF visit this month has been pretty quiet too. Thus there hasn't been much activity.

Then there are also things happening at my work place. I started work at my new place. Attended their staff meeting on Monday. Was introduce to their staff. They look pretty friendly. Some were very helpful with the things that I need. My new work space is also much bigger compared tp the one I had previously. For now, I am doing good I guess. I did drop by my previous school to sign some form, collect some items and return some materials. I don't miss that place but I do miss some of my colleagues there. I hope I will be able to make some close colleagues here. I am psyching myself up. I know this is for the best. Especially after I went back today. I know for sure I have made the right decision. I guess between me and my preivous work place... we are OFFICIALLY OVER now.

Being new here, I might have to start learning all over again. I will have to probably make some changes and learn new things. I used to be afraid. Today I am choosing to overcome that fear and hopefully learn as much as possible. It is not gonna be easy but I have to make this change and I am not gonna let fear get in the way. CONFIDENCE is the word for today.

Follow my heart...

The last 2 days has been pretty quiet except for the fact that (TMI ALERT): my period seems to have come and visit 5 days earlier than the expected date. I was not really expecting it to come coz firstly I was on the GnHR injection for 3 months, which was supposed to suppress my hormones and to stop my menses from coming back. This is so that to give my little ovary a break from the tedious monthly "work". But 2 days ago, as I was sitting right here in front of my computer, I feel a little wet you know where. Took a tissue, wipe it and lo and behold.

So I guess, AF do decide to drop by one last time. Well one good thing about her visit this time around is, there was no back pain, no abdominal cramps, just a little mood swing. Hey if this is how her visit is gonna be after the surgery, I guess it was worth it to go for the surgery after all.

I have been very apprehensive the last few days about my pending meeting in my new school. A little nervous about it. I mean, in my previous school, you can consider me as one of the "older" staff. Here I will be one of the newbies. Don't know how the people there will react to my present. Not sure whether the students will be able to accept me as their teacher. I mean looking at it, 2 of the classes that I am taking should have been previously taught by someone else so it might not be that easy as they might already have a particular way of learning. My heart has not been at ease. Hope it will get better after tomorrow's meeting.

Then tonight, I came across the following and it somehow manage to ease me a little.

To some extent I think I should stop second guessing myself. Just like how I chose to call KKIVF and start on my IVF treatment, I should also stop second guessing myself when it comes to work matters. I should have more faith in my capabilities and know that I will do what's best for the students.

The day after Christmas

To everyone who celebrates Christmas... MERRY CHRISTMAS!!! Sorry my message came a little late but better late than never right. My most sincere apologies. Well what was I doing on Christmas day? The last I checked, nothing much. Work is starting on Monday. Not fully, just a staff meeting. Official work will start on Friday, 2nd January 2009. So yesterday, I decided to get off my couch and start with my re-packing and re-filling of all the resources that I have accumulated.

Not much was done actually. I just managed to relabel some of my filing rack and files. Did I mention that I will be teaching ALL Maths classes this coming year? It is a tentative deployment. Will be confirmed by Monday. Looking at that tentative deployment, I will also be teaching all upper sec classes. Hmmm... Am I capable of doing it? If it was in my previous school, I would say not a problem. But here, with a co-ed school. new colleagues, new management, will I be able to survive? I am praying that I will. I am hoping that things will be better here than where I was previously. I really do not wish to move again. It was painful to leave the students that I have loved and the colleagues that have become family. So we'll see. Perhaps the new year will bring me a little bit more courage to face the future and what is in store for me.

Today has been another quiet day. I don't feel like going anywhere. Reason? Please refer to previous posts. Yes, I am jealous. Jealous of people who has the family that I am struggling to start. It has been almost 4 years since I first said maybe next year we will be spending it with little me and little hubby. This year is no different from other years. It has been 8 years since we have been together, married for 4 and still nothing to show for it. Our love for each other is still strong or perhaps stronger after all that we have been through. Today shall be the last day this year that I am going to mourn and feel sorry for myself. I found something on the net today. I shall leave you all with it.

Better days ahead?

Today I woke up not feeling too good about myself. I just can't explain it. I guess it was just one of those days where I decide to wake up and feel sorry for myself. I don't know. I guess it is the holidays. The holidays somehow have an effect on me. You go out everywhere, you will see things that will remind you of the things that you can't have. Young couples with babies, family with kids running around, parents buying their kids presents for the holidays and families celebrating special events. I want to do all that too. I want to celebrate special events other than our birthday and anniversary. Hmmm....

Today when I woke up, I feel so different from others around me. I feel so far away. I feel so distant, so withdrawn. Am I the only one out here that is facing this problem? Perhaps not bcoz I know I have make some wonderful friends here. But why is it during the holiday/festive season, I feel so alone. I feel as if I am the only one who is facing this. I am trying my very best to stay positive, to think that I will be able to overcome this but even the weather is not on my side. It has been raining since morning.

I truly hope there is a rainbow after the rain. The sun will shine once again. Will there be better days ahead? I don't know. What I know is for now, I feel like sitting in the corner and just be miserable. For once, I just wanna be sad, cry and feel sorry for myself. I do not want to pretend that I am happy. Well, at times I am. At times I know how lucky I am. For having an understanding family, wonderful husband, good paying job and a roof over my head. There are others out there that might not even have this. But just for today, I want to feel sorry for myself. I wanna feel how much life has been a little unfair to me. For not granting me the most basic function of a woman - to bear children.

"Dear God, if you are listening to me, why haven't you grant my wish yet. I have been praying, wishing and hoping. But as days turn to weeks and weeks turn to months and months to years, I still have not heard from you. You seem to have distant yourself from me? Or is it the other way round. Have I done something wrong? Have I neglected you that is why you are now neglecting me? When will you be available again? When will you ever hear me? The new year is coming. I am done making new year's resolution. I am not even going to make anymore wishes. I will just let nature takes its course. Once you have decided that I am good enough, perhaps you will grant me that one wish I have been hoping for."

To all of you celebrating Christmas, Have a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year.

The good, the bad and the ugly

Okay if you are thinking that this entry has anything to do with me dealing with infertility issues, it does not. You may continue reading about me rambling about some issues involving the good, the bad and the ugly side of some Sing_poreans I came across with at the soccer match that I attended today. So yes we were here today...

The National Stadium

The Sing_apore team outplayed and outrun their opponents. However they didn't manage to outlast the other team and as a result came out on the losing end. Well, that's soccer for you. The ball is round. You kick it and it can end up at the back of anyone's net and today it decide to end up at the back of the Sing_apore's net.

I do not wish to talk about the soccer game. You can read that up on your own on the web. What I want to share is what goes on off the pitch. I happen to sit beside a very irritating uncle. Irritating is such an understatement. He is just so uncivilised, rude and disrespecful. So what happen you may ask? Let me list it down for you.

1. During the Viet_nam National Anthem, everyone was standing as a sign of respect. Guess what the uncle did? He went around giving the middle finger at all the opposition's fans. OMG!!!!
   
2. Throughout the game he keep calling the fans stupid and other rude names that I do not wish to taint my site with. If you ask me, I will say he is the stupid one. Among all the Viet_namese fans there I think at least 30% of them are University students. Who are you?
   
3. While the game was going on on the pitch, he kept taunting the opposition fans who didn't do or say anything to him.

I wonder why can't we just have a decent game of football? Why does it have to be tainted with such people? To the Sing_apore team... It is okay. Today is not your day. I am still behind you. Like what I like to say, if you think you have done your best, hold your head up high and don't be ashame of yourself. There is always next time... Let me leave all of you with some pictures I manage to capture during the match.

Popping the Pills

My ovulation day come and go without any major incident. No back pain. No cramps. Usually my back will hurt and I will be experiencing lower abdominal pain on the day of my ovulation. I guess, my ovaries are resting this month and the next 2 month. I guess it is time for my body to give those ovaries a break. Resting it is. Other than a few more little bandages that I have not removed, I am as good or perhaps better than I was before the surgery. Baby dancing aka "actions in shack" has resumed. Hahaha... That sounds a little crude but what the heck.

Of course things are a little more relax as we do not have to think of the final outcome. We are just enjoying each other's company. Perhaps after trying for almost 48months = 4 years, it is time we gave ourself this short break. My ovaries deserve it and so do I.

I have been taking 5 different types of pills in the last 9 days. Antibiotics, Vitamin E, Evening Primrose Oil, Pain Killers and something for gastric pains. I rather be popping the pills than taking any forms of injections. But after more than a week of popping those pills, I am starting to get tired of taking them. 8 more pills before I am done with the antibiotics. Thank God!!!

The Primrose Oil pill is not that bad you know. According to Dr Sadhana, the GnHR injection will give me all the menopausal symptoms. The first week after the injections, YES I felt it. I began to be sweating badly even in cold weather. Mood swings - hubby has been at the end of it all but luckily he had been warn by Dr Sadhana about it. Hubby has been pretty patient with me. Hehehe...

Okay let's talk about the Evening Primrose Oil. It's active ingredient Gamma-Linolenic Acid plays an effective role in the treatment of dry, rough skin, atopic eczema, relief of allergy-induced eczema, asthma and metabolic disorders associated with pre-menstrual syndrome and discomfort. So yes if you are looking forward to preventing PMS and what not, try out this pill. N it does help with the bowel movement too.

Now let's talk abou what I have been doing in the last few days. Hmmm... nothing much really. Sis came over to sleep at my place since mum and dad were away in KL for a relative wedding. On Friday, we went out to get ourselve a new hp. N boy am I happy with my new handphone. Hubby helped me pick it out.

My N85 front view.

My N85 back view.

In addition I also purchase a new computer for my work. N I am loving my new pink, YES PINK laptop. I am starting to use it now. It is so comfortable. The keypad, the screen and everything about it. I guess I will be writing more often now up till perhaps when I have to start working on my admin staff for the new semester. Oh My God, Time sure flash by when you are enjoying yourself. Wait till the semster begins, and time will start crawling. Okay I gotta go now. Need to get ready. I am going to watch a soccer match at the stadium with sis and hubby remember? I am crossing my fingers that the Singapore Team will play much better and will win the game today.

My Sony Vaio

7 Not So Random Things About Me

I was tagged by Virginia a few weeks back. I have been drafting the entry for a very long time. It is just that this post is not that easy. I can't seem to find the 7 not so random things about me. Hmmm...

1. I have had 5 ex boyfriends (the 1st bf was when I was 12) before I met up with hubby during my university days. My longest relationship with my ex boyfriend never last longer than a year. Once they get too close, I start to run. Hubby was the only stubborn one who doesn't want to go away. I tried ways and means to make him go away. Ask him how much we fought and argued. But he still stayed on.
2. I "met" hubby through another guy whom I got to know through the net. The other guy asked hubby how I looked like from my college magazine and hubby said I am not that guy's type. The guy didn't meet up with me and just stop messaging. When hubby started dating me, the guy got upset with hubby. Hahaha..
3. I hate eating my veges. I tried once in a while but it just doesn't go well with my throat. I will pick at my food. For example if I am eating fried noodles and there are bean sprouts in it, I will take my time and pick out the bean sprout one by one.
4. I am a movie freak. I will catch most movies at the cinema. But if I dont get to do that, I will purchase the VCDs and catch them at home. I have more than 100 VCDs now.
5. I know where I live is summer all year round but I love Spring. I visited Korea during Spring and it was awesome. Weather was cooling. Not humid.
6. My work is my passion. I have dreamt of doing what I am doing since I was a young girl. I used to line up my teddy bears and distribute books and pretend I was teaching them. And now I am doing what I love doing.
7. Last but not least I hate plain water. I don't really drink my water without any flavour. I need them sweet. Syrup, isotonic drinks anything except plain water.

SO there you have it. 7 NOT so random things about me. That took me longer than I had expected. Now I am supposed to pass this on to few more people to get it going. Hmmm... I am not sure whether any of you have done this before. If you have, then please ignore this tag of mine. They are:

• My Grasp at Sanity
• The Wayward Stork
• Wishing4one
• Fertile Ramblings

Wrecked. Disappointed. Hurt

That's an understatement of how I am feeling right now. I am a wrecked. That's a better word. I am a mess. Emotions are running haywire. Yes maybe it was the hormones. But at the end of the day my question is why can't you just try to understand how I feel. Why can't you put yourself in my shoes? I have always tried to be there for you in everything you do so why can't you support me now? I don't really need you to do anything beyond your capabilities. I just need you to be there as my moral support. Stand by my side. Listen and once it was over we can leave.

But no. You had to make a big fuss over it. Give all kind of excuses that just doesn't make sense to me. If you don't want to be there just say it don't have to twist and turn and make up excuses after excuses. I am so disappointed at this very moment. I am not sure whether I am more disappointed with him or with myself. Perhaps I should just learn to control my emotions a little more. But at the end of the day, if he can raise his voice and not even try to control his emotions why should I.

Tears are welling in my eyes as I wrote this entry. I don't even know why. Perhaps I am just so upset. Upset at how much he has changed. He used to be there for me for EVERYTHING. He used to support me in ALL that I do. But for some reason, he has decided that that has to change. Or perhaps I was the one who had changed.

My work has been my passion since young. I love my kids. They are like the kids that I can't have. I spent more than 8 hours a day with them. I laughed with them, cried with them, joked with them and advised them on life. Now all I wanted to do was be there for them when they receive their results. N I want him to be there with me. This is the last time I am going to be seeing them. The last time I am going to step foot in that building. ONE LAST TIME. Why can't he just understand that?

Well perhaps it is just my hormones reacting. Or perhaps it is a legitimate fear. Fear that he has change into someone I don't know anymore. Fear that this is the start of a horrible nightmare.

You are my personal brand of heroin...

Okay I know that this blog is specifically set up to write about my journey towards motherhood but since I can't start on my treatment anytime soon, there is really nothing much for me to write about. Therefore more often than not, in the next 3 months my entry will be somewhat similar to the following entry.

I was out with sis and hubby today and we had fun. Like we always do. The day started off with us making our way to Jalan Besar Stadium to purchase this...

So me, hubby and sis are going to show our support to the National Team in the 2nd leg of the semi finals. Let's hope they do well tomorrow in Vietnam so that they will come in with an advantage.

After purchasing the soccer tickets, we went to collect our movie tickets next which was showing at 2.40pm. Since we were early we went to have lunch first at an Indonesian Restaurant. The food was really not bad. But since I am still recuperating from my surgery, I am watching what I eat - some soup and fish with rice. So what movie did we watch... Let me give you a clue: "The lion has fallen for the lamb"....

Still no idea??? "Twilight, again. Another ending. No matter how perfect the day is, it always has to end." That should help right??? Let me leave all of you with a few pictures of the movie... ooohhhh...I AM IN LOVE!!!

Does that make me less of a woman?

I woke up today to a rainy Sunday. N today is the day I decide to feel sorry for myself. I woke up feeling so low. I messaged hubby who was at work and tears started welling my eyes. ALL I wanted is a child with him, the love of my life. I am not asking for anything more. But time and time again, I was tested. First it was the low sperm count and motility, then come the HUGE cysts, then come the hormones suppression. What's next?

With the hormones suppression, my menses will not come. I feel so much less of a woman. I mean what is the use of me being a woman if I can't have my menses, produce my own eggs and have my own baby. Yes it will only be for 3 months but it is 3 months too long. Hmmm...

Messaged hubby about my fears. Fear that I won't be able to have our own kids, fear that he might leave me for another. Fear that I can't get through all these obstcles and challenges. His next messgae did not totally rid me of my fears but it does make me feel better.

"Of course you can get through this. You got me. I love you sayang. You can't put a timetable of when you want a child. Plan yes. Execute yes. The rest is beyond our powers. Sayang I got you. That's enough for me. Children are the bonus. You can't give up hope just bcoz of small Tests by Allah. U never lose any limbs or senses. To me all this just keeps reminding me of how blessed I am to have you as my wife. Every obstacles we overcome just reinforced my belief that something wonderful is awaiting us at the end of it."

So here I am... Yes, in the next few months I will at times wake up feeling very insecure about my womanhood. I will at times wake up with the most unreasonable fear that my husband gonna love me less and leave me for another. But at the end of the day, with God's Grace, I believe me and hubby will get through this and when we do get through this I know we will be a stronger couple.