Results are OUT

What was I thinking? Why was I putting my hopes high only to know that it will be crushed... Here was a pic from this morning test...


Was I disappointed? Well a little bit but not so much that I was distraught. Being out sick the last few days has set me thinking. Really thinking. I want to be healthy and as much rested as I possibly can during the procedure. If I am spending so much money on it I want to know that I have put 110% in the cycle. I do not want to be waking up and saying hey I could have done better if only there was no stress. I do not want what if to be in the picture anymore. If things were to fail (touch wood), I wanna know that I have done my best to get rid of any stress factors. I just wanna be at home resting, growing my eggs and growing my embryos and not be in a classroom shouting at the top of my lungs. What if all those screaming and shouting will reduce my chances? I kind of have think things through. Just need to share this information with hubby and see what he has to say. I am hoping he understands and will give me his full support.

Okay people, I am going to wallow myself in self pity for a bit then I should be back. Someone's wedding is coming up this weekend.

My blood test have to be postpone till my period comes, I guess that should be in April now. Please come already... Please don't make me wait in vain any longer. Everything now has to be pushed forward. ER should be in late May, ET in June and so on... I am crossing my fingers and just praying for the best.

14dpo

It is 14dpo. Unlike previous months, and the months before my surgery, there isn't any painful cramps, bad backaches whatsoever. It has been pretty quiet. Too quiet for comfort sometimes.

Went out for lunch with hubby just now. On our way back, we stopped by a pharmacy and purchased the following...


So there you have it. I have 2 tests in hand but I am not testing yet. I mean let see what tomorrow brings. Hubby was excited at the possibility but I told him not to put too much hope. I am not confident at all. He said what ever the result is, we still have each other. That's the most important.

This weekend a major family event is taking place. I am worried. All the what ifs that has been going on in my head for the past 5 years is going to come through starting from this weekend. Am I worried? YES!!! Things are looking bleak for us and for them it is the starting point. It will give my sister-in-law another reason to criticise us or to be more precise ME. Yes I have never been pregnant and might not be able to give my husband the child he/we so much desire. But I love hubby very deeply. N I know no one will be able to love him the way I do. I believe that is more than enough. Like what he said children are a bonus. Well, I guess we just have to wait and see what God has in plan for us.

Waiting one more day... Will see how the wait goes.

1 more day...

My 2WW is coming to an end. It is my 13dpo. Was wondering whether I should test at all. I mean I was not that hopeful about this cycle since it was the first after my surgery. Let's wait till I am truly late then I will decide on my next course of action.

I mean there are no signficant symptoms. My boobs are not at all swollen. Just a little cramping in my lower abdomen, sometimes on the left sometimes on the right and the persistent headache which is causing me to feel really lethargic. Other than that nothing much. I am still hopeful though. Still wishing for a miracle to happen. One more day...

Whatever the result is whether positive or negative, I will let you guys know, that's a promise.

On another note, hubby just received an sms from his good friend. Another poly friend of his, whose wife just gave birth on Monday has been hit by the worse news ever. Their baby who was born healthy and normal, just passed away at about 7pm tonight. May the baby's soul rest in peace. May the parents find peace and tranquility in God's challenge and obstacle. May Allah bless them all.

Monday Blues

Change of plans. Something happen and I had to cancel my original plans. To protect the people involved, I shall not mention any details. Currently waiting for hubby then off we go. I can't sit still waiting. My heart is in a mess. Hope everything is okay. I hope it is just a minor incident. Oh God please keep him safe.

To Juliah: "Sorry dear. I make it up to you some day"

Waiting Game Again

I have been playing the waiting for as long as I could remember. Before I was married, I was waiting for the right man to come along to sweep me off my feet. This is after many failed relationships that have left me all bruised. After waiting and waiting, finally hubby came by and turn my life around. He was there for me for every single event that mattered - like my graduation after getting my degree, my 2nd graduation after my post graduate diploma, my grand dad's passing away, my ups and downs at work and many more. He has always been there for me. Thank you Hubby...

I knew I was going to marry this man but that was not after 3 years later. The 3 years of waiting till we become one can be rather lonely at times but I survived. After marriage, we started thinking about starting our own family. We wanted 4 kids. But how was I supposed to know that 1 will take this long to come along. Months turns to years and we are still waiting. Every month I waited for AF to be late but times and times again she arrived without prior warning. After almost 4 years 2 months and 2 weeks, I am still waiting.

I am currently in my 2 Week Wait. This could be possibly the last unmedicated 2 Week Wait. If things does not go the way we wanted, we will start the medicated cycle. probably by the middle of next month. It is exciting at the same time scary. There are far too many things on my mind. There are so many "what ifs" going on in my head. I am excited yet I do not want to put too high an expectation that will in the end crush me if things don't go my way.

Okay so what has been going on the last few days? Hmmm... nothing much really. According to my counter, it is 10 days till testing. Not as if I will get the chance to test at all. In the last 4 years, never once did I need to test. AF comes on schedule. But whatever the outcome is, i will share with everyone here in 10 days time.

TMI ALERT: But since the operation, while on Lucrin injections, I realised my 'u know where' has been very dry. As dry as a desert. It could hurt sometimes when hubby and I becam intimate but after my last shot and my last missed period which was supposed to be on hubby's birthday, my 'u know where' has been pretty "watered". The last few days starting from the day of my supposed Ovulation Day, I have been getting this little twinges in my lower abdomen. The twinges is more apparent near my surgical area. I am trying not to think too much about it but hey who knows...I have pretty lethargic too. Everytime I lie on the sofa, my eyes will close shut and I will be napping for an hour or two. I know, I know I am scrutinising over every little detail but I will put my hands on anything that will tell me that I am PUPO.

I shall end my entry now. Will be back soon enough with another entry with regards to my meeting with a dear online friend. Till then, I shall go and try do something so that time will past more quickly.

Still surviving and counting

I am still here. Have just been busy with work. End of term before the one week break thus need to tie up some loose ends.

Today I just happen to look at this 'dusty' blog of mine and I realise something. Could this be it? COuld it happen without any help? It will definitely be a miracle if it does happen. Thinking positive...

If things are right, starting tomorrow shall be my 2 week wait. Haha... Not as if I am putting much hope into it after almost 48 months. But like I said things could happen. N I will put my faith and belief in anything at this moment.

Despite whatever hubby and I still "tried". If AF decides to drop by on the 25th of March as counted, then no more trying naturally. Either way, I am thinking positive.

Oh one more thing, I have made plans to meet with a friend I have made online. She has succeeded in her journey and I am looking forward to hearing her stories. Perhaps she can share with me all her experiences so that I can better prepared. She is so sweet as to take leave on that day... Will write more soon enough...

March is Here!!! - Hubby's Celebration

Oh my God!!! It is March already? How time flies? What happen to my February? Of course I am happy about the time flying by. This mean I am one month closer to our IVF treatment. Actually not really a month. Tentatively I should be doing my blood test on the 25th of March. That's about 22 more days. After which I will wait till my CD 21 to start on my daily Lucrin injections. So all in all I will have rought 43 more days. WOW!!! That is fast. N I am getting very excited about it.

Over the weekend, hubby and I went away for a while. Nowhere far really. Still in Singapore, but away from home. Away from the hustle and bustle of the city. It was great to have a change in environment. It helps to put our mind at ease. Enjoy the photos below... Not much though. Just something to give you an idea where I was during the weekends. Till my next entry... Hopefully soon enough.

Still breathing

Since I last counted down, 22 days has passed. Now I am left with roughly 57 days till I start my IVF cycle. WOW!!! Time sure fly by. Well not as if I didnt notice. I did. There are times I feel as if the clock is crawling. But with work right on my trail, I have very little time to breathe and think about other things. Planning hubby's birthday celebration has also taken some time out of my free time. I love what I had planned for hubby. I mean yes it is taking a sum of money out from my savings but since we do not have anything plan as per now I guess it was okay for me to splurge a little to pend on us. This will give us some US time... Time rejuvenate, time to rest and relax.

I will let you know of the detailed birthday celebrations after it is done coz I know there is a possibility hubby is reading this site of mine. Hubby's birthday falls on the 25th of February. His celebration has started from the weekend. We went out on a date on Saturday Night. We went to catch a movie at Lido. Caught the following movie:


Nice romantic show. We both loved it. Before that had dinner at Royal Plaza on Scotts. NIce ambience. Lovely food. Hubby enjoyed himself. So did I.

Since his birthday is on a weekday and I can't get away, I have planned for something else this coming weekend. I am so excited. Can't wait for the weekends to come. I am sure we have a hell of a wonderful time...

On the TTC front, nothing much is happening, just that my next period is due on my hubby's birthday. How ironical!!! After which, I will be waiting for the dreaded AF visit the following month and everything will take on speed from then on. I am still hoping for some miracles that I don't even have to wait for the next AF visit. Perhaps... Maybe by some miracle I will get pregnant by then. Hahaha... There I go again hoping for something that I roughly know might not happen but who knows? Till my next entry (which I seriously don't know when). Have a good week ahead people...

Symptoms/Side effects

It is 10 more days till my next period. But I know it will not be coming once again. After the 10 days, I will be counting down to another 28 more days hoping that AF comes to visit then. If it does then I can start counting to my 21st day to once again start on my lucrin shots. Talking about lucrin. It has not been a good partnership.

I hope during the lucrin shots later I won't be feeling as much symptom as I am feeling right now. I guess it depends on the amount I have to take.

Current symptoms: Bloated tummy (my students asked whether I am pregnant- I wish I could say yes), hot flushes, weight gain that is hard to lose, the need to pee very often, tiredness, sleepiness.

Hope time will fly. I can't wait. I wish to be able to feel my babies in me and 9 months later hold them in my arms. I can wish can't I?

HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY

To all the readers of my blog, here is wishing you a very Happy Valentine's Day. May you enjoy today with your loved ones. I am currently enjoying myself just waking up late in the hands of my beloved hubby. We are going out soon. We are going to attend some carnival. After which we are going out for dinner to celebrate my mum's birthday. So exciting!!!

Will write more when I get back. There is nothing much happening in the last week or so except for feeling really bloated. Hot flushes thank god is under control. Not as bad. Currently waiting for this cycle to end. After that count down time. Not sure how I am gonna inform the management when I start to take leave often. Not sure whether I should let them in on what I am going through but then again, being new that's probably not a good idea. I am trying to time my treatment as much as possible so that it won't affect my work.

I have roughly about 66 days to think about it. That's about 2 months. Should give me ample time to think. Okaylah enough ranting. Time for me to go get ready. Mum is coming to fetch us soon.