5th Wedding Anniversary

Today marks our 5th wedding anniversary. Hubby didn't want me to cook so we just ordered pizza in and after which we went to catch a late night show - The Time Traveller's Wife. Nice story line but it seems to be cut short.

Anyway, I would like to take this opportunity to thank my hubby for being the best hhubby ever to me. For listening to my rant, for tolerating my mood swings, for giving me his shoulder to cry on, for supporting me financially and emotionally and last but not least just for being him. He is one strong man who has always believed and who has always had FAITH. I wish I had half of his strength and faith.

To you my dear hubby, I love you. Thank you for everything. My wish for us is that may we have many more happy years to come. N hopefully in the near future we will have our own kids who will be a symbol of our strong love for each other.

Biggest worry has come true

Sorry for not writing for a while now. Been a little busy with assignments and finding a new job. Trying to find something totally different to do. More in the line of counselling which I majored in Uni. Been a month since I sent in my resumes but till now no call or reply. Getting a little worried. Once end of October comes, I will have no more assignments as students will be taking a break from school thus none will be going for tuition. No assignment means no income. So I have exactly 2 months to get myself an interview. I guess I need to be a little more aggressive in my job search.

But that is not my biggest worry. If you have been reading my site in the past month, my worry is what if my brother in law's wife who were married in end March 2009 will be pregnant first before me. N true enough, God do want to test us more specifically ME. Yesterday, I learnt from my mother in law that she is currently 18 weeks pregnant. She got pregnant immediately after the wedding. In fact she didnt even realise she was pregnant coz she was kind of bleeding/spotting throughout the four months. *SIGH*

SO yeah, that's my life story for now. 5 years into my wedding and I still have nothing to show for. N she is into her 5th month anniversary and she is 18 weeks pregnant. OUCH! What a stab in the heart. So I will once again go and lie in a corner and mourn my life AGAIN! Nothing much to report on the TTC front. This Friday - 4th of Sept is my 5th wedding anniversary and what an irony that will also be the day I am expecting AF to come. I am hoping and praying for a miracle but deep down inside I just don't feel it anymore. The closest I got to getting pregnant was my last failed IVF. So will see about the rest. About 1 month plus to my next fresh cycle. So looking forward to being injected again. Can you hear my sarcasm?

Finally...

After 39 days, AF finally made her appearance. Gosh!!! I was starting to wonder what was going on. However something was different about her visit this time around. There was no fan fare. Just quitely knocked on my door this late morning.

NO CRAMPS

NO BACKACHE

NO PIMPLE BREAKOUT

NO MOOD SWINGS

NO SORE BOOBS

Wow!!! I am amazed. Could be due to the traditional medication I am currently taking. If it is, although it didn't result in a pregnancy as I had hoped for (the girl who sold me the medicine said that it took at least 3 months for some couple) but at least it has showed a little result. No pain in my AF. The feeling of it is amazing. Hubby is glad too. Coz if not every month on my first day I'll be cringing in pain and the week that is leading to it I will be having bad headache, backache and bad mood swings. I am gonna ensure I take the medicine on a more regular basis if it is gonna keep all that and my endometriosis in checked too. That is all the update I have for now.

To all my lovely ladies here, Stacey, Nicole, Flower, Dagny, Tammy etc pls take care. I have been reading and following just had no energy to write a post or comment. My apologies. I have been down with fever, cough and runny nose. The haze here is not helping my situation either.

Stacey, hope everything is going alright with the treatment. NIcole hope you are recovering well from the surgery. Flower, I am looking forward to your update with regards to scan.

Day 32 and counting

Like my title says, it is CD 32 and counting. The dreaded visitor decided to perhaps give me a miss this month. SHe is perhaps retaliating to all those hormones injected in me in my last failed cycle or perhaps... I shall try not to put too much hope and think too much into it. Perhaps just like some of the other ladies who have had a failed cycle, AF seems to get a little haywire the month after. Hubby asked today aren't I worried? Hmmm... Should I? Either I am or I am not. If I am then great, if not then it is okay coz I wasn't really banking on this cycle remember... Just trying naturally and having fun at the same time.

By the way, the purpose of me writing this post is to show you all some more pics of my recent trip to a nearby island in Malaysia.

That's hubby is the sea trying to feed the fish

Pics of the corals I took while we were snorkelling with someone's feet in it.

We were lucky to be able to catch a glimpse of this shy sea turtle. Gorgeous isn't it?

More corals

I so missed the free feeling of swimming in the open sea. I have mentioned to hubby that we are going to more beaches in the near future for our vacation...

It has been exactly a month...

Since I failed my first IVF treatment and had AF knocking on my door. On this day one month ago, I was heartbroken. I was even asking myself whether I will be able to stand up once more and whether I will be able to do another cycle of this. The roller coaster emotional ride was too much for me to handle. But thanks to wonderful family and friends and online buddies, I managed to stand up again. N one month later here I am...

But "someone" is missing... Yup the dreaded visitor have not shown herself just yet. I said just yet is because, I have read from others experience that for those who failed their IVF usually the following month, AF will come late. I hope it doesnt come too late. I have a plan to follow in October. N I am very proud of myself that I never once was tempted to test. I am done seeing a NOT PREGNANT on the test kit. I am just gonna wait it out. Currently feeling very light headed. Gonna go lie down. I shall leave all of you with some pictures from my recent vacation.

Update from the Dr

Just to let you all know. Met my gynae, Dr Sadhana today. Appointment was at 11.55am. Arrived at 11am, had breakfast with mum and hubby first at the food court and guess who came to say hi... My onine forum friend, SIERRA79. I was so happy to see her. First and foremost, I didnt even realise it was her. I was chatting away with mum and hubby, laughing away as usual. Then came this small petite lady at my side and said hi. She is damn small in person ok. Dear, I am so happy to see you today. I believe, this friendship will be strengthen just by the fact of what we went through in the last 2 months.

Back to my appointment. Dr Sadhana was so nice okay. She was empathising with me. In fact she said, she was hoping I would get a positive result. In addition she also doesnt know why it doesnt work coz my embryo was looking very gd. She was sad for me. I told her if she was sad, I was even sadder. N she held my hand. I was amazed that I didnt cry today. I guess I had cried enough the week it failed. I am ready now to stand up again. I told her how much I have cried for 3 straight days when it failed. She said she was really sorry. Everything was textbook perfect. I guess my womb wasn't. Or it just wasn't my time. Let me say, I am really impressed with Dr Sadhana's human's touch. I know how busy the clinic can be yet she took time to be in my shoes and to understand my inner feelings.

At first she wanted to increase my dosage to 350iu in the next round but then, she said increasing the dosage will not increase the number of eggs. It will just cause the eggs to grow at a faster rate. So she changed at the last minute. Dr Sadhana suggested I try the short protocol in October. The short protocol means less injections and at the same time it is supposed to grow more eggs for me. As for my womb, she said during my laprascopy there wasn't any scar tissue so that shouldn't have prevented implantation. My womb lining at 10mm was just nice too. Currently I am feeling very positive with the traditional medication I am taking. My body somehow feels lighter just after 2 weeks of taking it. Hopefully the month of Ramadhan will bear me fruits. If not... a short protocol is waiting for me after Hari Raya.

I hope in this 3 months my womb will be more healthy, lining will be thicker to prepare for implantation and right at the back of my mind, perhaps "strike" naturally.

By the way for those who are not sure what a Short Protocol is. In October when my period come (tentatively 24th October), I will have to give KKIVF a call. Then on Day 2 I will have to go down and do a scan to determine that there is no cysts etc. After which I will be starting my Puregon. Once my follicles reach more than 13mm, I will be given injection to surpressed ovulation. N the rest is the same as the Long cycle.

After counting, I realised, my Day 2 could possibly fall on a Sunday. What happens then? Zaza if you are reading this pls help me clear this doubt. Oh well!!!, I guess I will get to it when the time comes. For now, I am not going to think about ovulation, fertile period etc. We are just gonna go with the flow. In fact it was only today when I was counting for my October cycle that I realise my ovulation date had come and gone. In fact today is Day 16. Time seems to fly by faster when you are not counting to a Blood Test or something. The short protocol would means lesser injection and shorter period to ER/ET. I am really praying, praying very hard... Nature will happen and I don't have to go through this emotional roller coaster ride again.

My wishes for all

Something happened I do not know how to reversed it. I was reading Flower's site - With God All Things Are Possible. I wanted to leave a comment for her but then I got a message saying a Pop Up Blocker is activated but when I checked it was not... Well I hope Flower drops by here. I really want to wish her all the best for her upcoming lining check as well as FET on the 20th. My prayers are for you dear. You have been a very good friend with a shoulder for me to lean on during my difficult moment. I would like to be here for you too...

I will be going for my check up with gynae tomorrow. To find out what went wrong on my first cycle. I am not blaming anyone. It was just not meant to be. Not the right time yet. But I will definitely going to aske her about my poor response to the medication. I mean they only managed to retrieve 8 eggs. So yeah. Perhaps I will ask her whether she can increase my Puregon dosage. Other than that, the rest is in God's hands.

Life for me has been pretty mundane. Everyday I will do some household chores. After which I will be preparing to have tuition assignments with my students. Life has been like that since my failed cycle. Nothing much to report. Just that I have booked a family vacation to a very beautiful island in Malaysia. We will be leaving on the 24th of July. That is what I am currently looking forward to. Time away from Singapore, away from treatment and just to relax my mind.

Will update again when i have something to report. Till then, to all who are in their 2WW, Good Luck and may this be the month for all of you. I love you all to pieces.

My most sincere congratulations

Just a short entry. As I am no longer active at the forum, I would just like to wish my dear friend, Alyssa R, my most sincere congratulations on her positive BT. I am truly happy for her. I still remember clearly how we were supposed to start our treatment together, but due to my surgery I had to had it postpone. I thought she had went through the procedure. However, I just realised that she didn't due to her OHSS. So she did her ER and just recently did an FET and this morning found out she is pregnant.

I did mention once to her that since we coulnd't be cycle buddies I was really hoping we could be pregnant buddies but I guess it was not meant to be. Am i jealous of her? Truthfully speaking. NO. I guess I feel differently towards people who become pregnant after facing IF. I get truly happy for them. However if someone who says she is not trying and somehow happens to get pregnant accidentally, I just feel different.

Wow, currently I have 3 friends from the forum who has suceeded in their journey. This just gives me a little bit motivation that it will work for me. But having to go through the whole procedure all over again is really no joke. The injection, the scans and the blood drawn... Hmmm... We will see when the time comes. I just hope I am more mentally prepared and I truly hope I will have more embryos this time around.

To Alyssa_r, my most sincere congratulations. Pls take care and rest well. Looking forward to hearing ur updates on baby. Pls remember me okay...

AF makes it's exit

Pls note this entry could be a little TMI. So skip it if you don't wish to read about the dreaded visitor AF. After 8 days, AF makes its exit. The first 2 days the cramp got a little unbearable and I had to pop 2 panadols. Not as if I like to do that but it was unbearable. After which the cramp went away. The only thing is this time around was very heavy for almost 5 days. Usually by 5 days I am done with AF visit. N this visit is filled with clots. Huge clots. Everytime I see myself passing out clots either in the toilet bowl or on my pad, tears will start to well up in my eyes. I could feel that those are my kids that I am passing out.

Some of you might ask how I am doing? Well I didnt really reach a depression stage just a little sad. Much sadder than I thought I would be. Perhaps the money spent and the emotions that I had put in into this cycle. I had really wanted this to work but I guess Allah knows better. N this time, it just wasn't my time yet.

With AF making its exit of course something else came back into our life... If u know what I mean... After almost 4 weeks of putting it on hold, thanks to one of the requirement of 2WW, it began again the moment AF disappeared. Hehehe... :) for the first time in a very long time, I don't feel that it was chore. Why did I feel like it was a chore back then? Everytime we hit the sack, we will be thinking about choosing the day prior to ovulation, on ovulation and a day after. Our main purpose is to hopefully make a baby. But instead of baby making, we have decided to turn it back to love making. We are not gonna use the ovulation kit, not gonna do it only near ovulation but do it anytime and anywhere we feel like it. Hahah... It makes me feel like a young teenager. Not as if I have done this as a teenager but it makes me feel very young. Yeah I am happy!!!

Okay will be back when I have things to report... Have a great week ahead everyone.

Still in the blogsphere...

Hi ladies, thank you very much for your support. For all the messages you have left me. The last entry when I said time to say gdbye. Pls don't get me wrong. I am not saying gdbye to the blogsphere. I am just saying gdbye to my 2embryos. The last 2 weeks have seen me at my highest and lowest points.

Today I went in for another blood test to just confirm what I have already know. My HCG has dropped to less than 10. So yes...I guess it was a chemical. I have been asked by Nurse Angeline to bring forward my appointment with Dr Sadhana. I managed to get squeeze on the 14th of July. Nurse Angeline was very nice when she told me the results. She was trying to lay it as softly as she can. Well, I already expected it. I wasn't even thinking of any miracles. I was asking her how soon can I start. SHe asked whether I have any frozen embryo. I said NOPE. N she said since that's the case, I will have to start from scratch. The queue now is already till October...

So yup, I have booked my next fresh cycle to be in October/November. See I have picked myself up. I just need a few alone moments to cry my hearts out. Once I don't have any more tears to shed, I will be okay. My heart still hurts. But thanks to prayers from family and friends I am coping much much better.

So just now after my blood test, parents drove us to JB. We went there to purchase some traditional medication to detoxify my body. It's a set of 4 products. One is to detox the body of any toxins, one is to be taken to strengthen the womb, the next is to improve the hormones in our body and I can't remember what the last one is for. There's medication for hubby too, to supposedly improve his quality of sperms... See... this is what you get when you have a mother who does massage. I am not complaining ok. In fact I am very very glad my mum is knowledgeable in this area. So that is my plan for now.... Remove toxins and all medications that has been injected in my body and try naturally. Who knows.... Meet Dr Sadhana on the 14th to discuss procedure, see where improvement can be made etc.

That's all from me for now. Ladies from the forum, I will drop by the chat with all of you once in a while but I won't be there as much coz since I am not undergoing the treatment there is really not much I can share. N at the moment, I do not wish to be a downer to the rest of the ladies who are in their 2WW. So pls don't think I have turn my back on you guys... I am still here...