As I woke up this morning, I felt so surreal. A little empty inside too. I mean I have been looking forward to this day for a very long time. Then when the time drew nearer, Fate plays a cruel joke on me. N here I am looking at the calendar and wishing that today could have been the day that I start my Lucrin Injections. Ahhhh....
Sorry people I am just trying to let it go. I have always been a control freaked. I need to be in control of my life. But when I started facing IF, control was the last thing that I had. My body just decides to do what it feels like doing. Just like how this cysts have decided to grow so out of proportion and now I am just waiting for my surgery date.
When I read the IVF support group thread, I sometimes feel like I want to leave a note/message but then what do I know about IVF when I havent even done it before? I am happy for every single one of them who has started or who are going to start the cycle soon. For those of them who are in the midst of the cycle, my prayers are with them. Hoping that they will achieve the success that they had dream of for the longest time ever. As for me, yes April will be the month I will start on the cycle, provided nothing else gets in the way. Could it be earlier? I don't think so as at this point of time I don't think I want to miss work.
Yes! At the current moment, I am still thinking about work. I really respect all the ladies in the thread that has quit their job to be on this journey. I don't think I can afford it. I still want my financial independence. I really do not like to be fully dependent on my hubby. Not that I don't trust him or anything but at this current moment, I can do what I want with my own money. Purchase all the books I want to meet my needs for intellectual stimulation, travel with him around the world, eat out with my family and friends. But without work, I have to put all these aside. Am I willing to let go of that? Seriously? NO.
Yes I am being selfish. But this is for my own sanity. Can you imagine what I will become if I were to quit my job and then this journey doesn't end the way I want it to be? Anyway, hopefully with me working I will be able to do more cycles if (touch wood) the first try doesnt work.
Okay got to go now. Gotta pack my luggage. I am leaving in 2 days and my luggage is still empty. Just too lazy to do it. But I am looking forward to the trip. Hahaha... How much more confused can I get?
Sorry people I am just trying to let it go. I have always been a control freaked. I need to be in control of my life. But when I started facing IF, control was the last thing that I had. My body just decides to do what it feels like doing. Just like how this cysts have decided to grow so out of proportion and now I am just waiting for my surgery date.
When I read the IVF support group thread, I sometimes feel like I want to leave a note/message but then what do I know about IVF when I havent even done it before? I am happy for every single one of them who has started or who are going to start the cycle soon. For those of them who are in the midst of the cycle, my prayers are with them. Hoping that they will achieve the success that they had dream of for the longest time ever. As for me, yes April will be the month I will start on the cycle, provided nothing else gets in the way. Could it be earlier? I don't think so as at this point of time I don't think I want to miss work.
Yes! At the current moment, I am still thinking about work. I really respect all the ladies in the thread that has quit their job to be on this journey. I don't think I can afford it. I still want my financial independence. I really do not like to be fully dependent on my hubby. Not that I don't trust him or anything but at this current moment, I can do what I want with my own money. Purchase all the books I want to meet my needs for intellectual stimulation, travel with him around the world, eat out with my family and friends. But without work, I have to put all these aside. Am I willing to let go of that? Seriously? NO.
Yes I am being selfish. But this is for my own sanity. Can you imagine what I will become if I were to quit my job and then this journey doesn't end the way I want it to be? Anyway, hopefully with me working I will be able to do more cycles if (touch wood) the first try doesnt work.
Okay got to go now. Gotta pack my luggage. I am leaving in 2 days and my luggage is still empty. Just too lazy to do it. But I am looking forward to the trip. Hahaha... How much more confused can I get?
1 comment:
Too bad you couldn't start lupron as planned. I know how hard it will be to wait until April. I'm a control freak too, and it's so hard to have our lives totally out of our control.
I hope teh time flies for you and the spring brings with it, all your dreams come true.
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