Time to say goodbye...

As I had predicted... As I had have an instinct about...

When the pimples start popping, when the lower abdomen starts cramping, when the lower back starts aching and when I started having brown spotting... I should have known... N true enough today, AF came knocking with a vengence. Fierce and heavy.

I had cried enough in the last 2 days. There are no more tears for me to cry. Went in for an early blood test today. Results was out quick too... The nurse was very nice about it... She said that HCG is in the 84. Huh? How could that be possible? Her answer is it was a chemical pregnancy. She said coz I don't have any frozen embryo, I can't do FET so I need to rest my body for at least 3 months before doing my next fresh cycle. I told her that I would have taken a break too if I don't have too. I am not ready for another emotional heart break. The physical pain I could take but the heart break. It is just too painful for me.

SO what is my next plan? I am taking a break from treatment for this 3 months. I am gonna rest my body from all the medications. I am gonna try naturally during this 3 months. Maybe just maybe, since we can have perfect embryo in the lab, we can perfect embryo made in my womb too... N hopefully by then, my womb lining is strong enough to hold a real pregnancy. I know I am thinking of a miracles but miracles do happen. N for now I am praying for a miracle.

My whole family together with bro and fiance are planning a family getaway at the end of the month. That would be great right? Yes, I need time away. This will be my last entry for now... I will be back soon when I have something to write. For now, I am just gonna recuperate. Heal my broken hearts. To all my lovely internet friends, thanks for your wonderful support but this is just isn't my time. I love you all no matter where you are...

Why does it still hurt?

2 more days till my BT. SOmehow I have a feeling AF is coming before my BT. I don't know. Just a gut feeling. I have prepared myself for the worst yet why does it still hurt so much? I guess there is always a first time for everything. Ahhhh... Well I guess I have sigh enough in the last 2 days to last me a lifetime... Will update you guys as and when there is something to update. For now, I am going to just lie down on the sofa and just mourn my life a little bit more...

A good cry was all it takes

At 13dp3dt / 16dpo, I have no more sore boobs, no crampy feelings. The crampy feelings have been gone for a while now. I had a good cry yesterday when hubby came back from work. The moment he came back, he came straight to me and gave me a kiss on my forehead and I started tearing. When he asked me what is wrong, I just couldn't say it. But somehow a while later I did tell him. I told him how useless I felt for not being able to bear him any children and now more than ever coz I am not even working. He asked me how did I know this didn't work, could I see what is going inside? Of course I said NO, but how could he understand my inner feelings. Somehow I just have the feeling. You know the feeling where you just knew.

This morning we woke up in each other's arm. Somehow being in his arms make me feel safe yet at the same time it makes me more emotional and vulnerable. The tears just flowed. As he said, I have never failed in any exams before and this to me felt like a failure. He reminded me, school exams are different. I have a way of controlling the outcome by studying but this IVF journey, we can try our very best, do the best we can but at the end of the day, the results is determined by the one above. It makes sense but somehow it just makes me feel more sad. I asked him, what if it is just gonna be the two of us till our old age. He didn't have an answer for it. He just told me, let him do the worrying. I had a good cry and somehow he managed to kiss those tears away.

Am I ready to let this go? Not yet. Till I see the dreaded visitor or till the nurse told me the negative outcome, I am not letting this go just yet. I am just coming to terms with the possibility that this wasn't my time. Did a test this morning. Saw a faint line. The faint line is definitely visible as I do not have to tilt it to the light or squint my eyes to see it. Just that it is way lighter than the first line and the digital one told me straight in my face "Not Pregnant". There is two possibility. One is that the faint line is caused by the remainder of my Pregnyl jab or perhaps I could possibly be pregnant just that the HCG in my body is too low to be detected. I am not putting my money in the 2nd possibility. Hubby didnt even want me to put the pic of the test up coz he doesnt want to be sad everytime I see it. He said let's just wait till Wednesday or whenever the dreaded visitor decide to to stop by.

How am I feeling now? Okay I guess. What matters most is that I have my husband who loves me very much and of course my family who is willing to sacrifice everything for me. I love them and they love me too...

Just for the record, symptoms for the day:

(1) BBT still high at 37.00 degrees celsius.
(2) Woke up with a headache but it was probably bcoz of the crying
(3) Greenie lines on boobs still visible.
(4) Nips still painful to the touch but the whole boobs not sore anymore.

So that's it for now. Gonna go and get ready for my weekend. With the test out of the way, I can now just enjoy my weekend without worrying too much. If it meant to be, it will be. If not I guess I will just stand up once more and try again. But that will not be anytime soon. I need to make sure I am mentally and emotionally ready this time for any outcome.

Hope for the best, prepared for the worst.

At 12dp3dt / 15dpo, I am strating to lose all signs of early pregnancy. Am I losing that glimmer of hope? Maybe. I just had an outburst after talking to hubby on the phone. Didnt even mention anything about the upcoming results. We just chatted and talked about why he hadn't called the whole day. I wasn't upset with him or anything. I don't know. It is just that just before we hang up, I just felt so sad. LIke I have not done enough for him. LIke I am not good enough. Like he deserves better.

You know how much he had to sacrifice to allow me to be a Stay AT Home Wife and if this fails, what's next? What do I have to look forward to? Am I ready for it to fail? NO. But have I prepared for the worst? Probably. Will I be upset if the results is not in my favour? Definitely. Will I be able to stand back up? I am not sure.

Sorry people... I am feeling really down today. I am just not feeling it anymore. Call it "Mother's Instinct" but I just don't feel it.

11dp3dt / 14dpo

Wow it has been a while since I came here to write. I have been reading and commenting but when it come to writing to my own post I am not sure what to write. It has been waiting/analysing and more waiting and more analysing. The last few days have been okay I guess. The tuition assignment I am having is keeping me sane. Whenever I teach, time seems to pass faster. If not, I will have barely much to do. I will just rest on the sofa and watch tv. When I lie down on the sofa, I tend to fall asleep. That's the "symptom" I have been having. LETHARGY. I have been super tired. I need to put my head on the pillow for less than 5 minutes and I will be fast asleep. This is me not working. Can you imagine if I was working full time? I really salute those of you who are going through this treatment and still working at the same time.

By the way, I had taken my last Pregnyl Jab on Wednesday. According to the nurse at my clinic I can test about 4 days after my last jab and the results will be fairly accurate. That is what I have been thinking about. Should I test or not? Half of me wants to badly find out... but there is another half that is really nervous, scared and reluctant. N what ifs start to creep back in my mind. I would like to believe whatever I am currently feeling/seeing is because I am Pregnant. But why at this current moment I dont feel pregnant. I want to be pregnant. SOmehow I am positive that this has worked and I am pregnant but...

Well I guess I just have to wait till Wednesday, that's when I am having my blood test (16dp3dt). I have to HPT in my drawer which I had secretly purchased without hubby's knowledge. I have 2 tuition assignments tomorrow, and Sunday I will be attending 2 wedding invites, then my In Laws are taking us out for a dinner treat. Yeah!!!. Hope time will fly by then. Usually the weekends will pass a little slower but hopefully with the things happening this weekend it be a weekday before I know it.

To my friend, Juliah, Thanks for being there to ease my worries. You have been a great friend. N thank you for keeping me in your prayers and wishing for my success. I am also praying for a positive outcome. May your brother heal well from his surgery. Will keep u updated via sms okay if I decide to do any HPT before BT. Hopefully AF doesnt decide to come before my BT. I am just hoping AF who has never been late in my entire life will decide not to come for the the next 10 months.

Symptoms:

(1) Still slightly sore boobs
(2) Very sensitive and painful nipples
(3) Greenie veins running across my boobs
(4) On and off cramping ( once or twice in a day) - Hope that is bcoz of my babies growing in there.
(5) LETHARGY. Ridiculously tired. Napping of at 2 - 3 hours in the afternoon. - Like now I am already yawning away when I had just woken up from a 4 hours nap in the evening.
(6) Consistently high temperature in the last few days ( bet 36.82 - 37.22). Hope that's a good sign.

That's all from me for now. Next entry will probably be on Monday when I have decided to do a HPT. If not it will be on Wednesday... Till then, pls keep me in your prayers so that I continue to remain sane in this very trying times.

Leaving it all up to Him now.

I have been reading/googling quite a bit due to my free time. Free time is not good especially not during 2WW. I have been reading quite a bit on early pregnancy symptoms but being on Pregnyl jabs, these signs and symptoms cannot be taken as real signs till at least 4 days after my last jab.

Today should be the first day of implantation. I have been feeling on and off crampings alternately from left to right. I would like to believe they are implantation bleeding. This time I knew I have embryos in me that can be potential children of mine unline all the past months/years when I wasnt even sure. The only thing that I am not sure of is whether the embryos have implanted themselves. I would like to believe so. I have done most of the dos and don'ts. N some thing I read today also make me fee very relieve and believe whatever is meant to happen will happen. It now depends to the ONE above... The drs have done their best, the nurses have done their best, so have I and hubby. Now whether it is gonna bear us a positive results or otherwise belongs to Him alone. With God's willing, I will get what I have been dreaming of... Let me copy for all of you part of the article I have read:

It's safe to travel 2-3 days after the transfer.

If you are unsure whether or not to do something, take the "path of least regret". Ask yourself - if I don't get pregnant, will I blame myself for doing this ? And if the answer is yes, don't do it ! - good point.

You may have some vaginal spotting or bleeding prior to your blood test. However, you must have the blood test done, even if you think your period has started. There are no symptoms or signs which will be able to tell you whether or not you are pregnant.

Many doctors used to advise "strict bed rest" after an embryo transfer. However, remember that your physical activity does not affect your chances of getting pregnant. Resting when you are well can be very emotionally taxing, and we encourage patients to lead as normal a life as possible. Many patients are worried that if they cough or sneeze , the embryo will "fall out". However, remember that this is physically impossible, and that if the embryo is going to implant, it will, no matter how much you exert physically. Remember that God has designed the human body with enough sense, that coughing and sneezing will not cause the embryos to "fall out". The uterine cavity is a "potential space", and once the embryos are placed here, they appose to the uterine wall and are not affect by gravitational forces. I remind patients that it's fine for them to do whatever normal couples would do after having sex - after all, how does it matter to the embryo that it arrives in the uterine cavity in the normal course of events, after the couple had sex, or after spending 2 days in the IVF laboratory and then being transferred into the cavity with a catheter ?

All those points in bold truly makes sense to me. I guess you just need someone to point it out to you before you actually believe it for yourself. ANyway I got this article from here http://www.drmalpani.com/book/chapter25c.html. Go ahead and read it if you want and take it with a pinch of salt ok...

Time for me to go and rest now... The crampings are coming on and of. Feeling a little tired too. Another progesterone injections tomorrow. Expecting the symptoms to be intensified due to the injections. Cant wait for last injection on Wednesday... Then whatever symptoms I fee will truly be from my pregnancy...

5dp3dt / I am driving myself crazy

5dp3dt / 8dpo. All these "fake" symptoms due to the medication (Pregnyl jabs) and all these waiting is truly driving me crazy. Not only have I been analysing all the little twitches and twinges, I am starting to analyse every word used by the nurses too... Hahaha... Pls pass by more quickly... Wake me up when July comes... I know, I know. The last time I wrote I said wake me up when June comes now I would like to change my mind...

The last 3 days was gd coz sis was accompanying me and she managed to make time pass faster somehow. Now that she is not around, I am a little more lonely. 5 days down, 11 more day to the blood test.

The symptoms I have been having since the day of my ET is here on and off basis. My lower abdominal cramp kinds of disappears today (or so I thought). As I was eating lunch and drinking, suddenly I had a sudden cramping in my lower abdomen. I had to stand and walk it off a bit before it went away. Since today is day 5 past ET, I would like to believe it is the first day, both my embryos have found a suitable place in the uterus and starting to implant themselves. See... I am thinking positively and visualizing a positive outcome. Hope it will bears me a positive outcome. Pls Pls Pls...

SYmptoms for today:
Boobs is still slightly sore to the touch, very very very tired, pins and needles in my legs, funny feeling in my mouth when I ate my favourite fried chicken yesterday and slight lower abdominal cramping that is on and off...

2dp3dt / Blastocyst

2dp3dt or 5dpo. According to my previous entry, my embryo is now a blastocyst. Tomorrow they should be hatching out of their shell and starting the implantation process. However today, when I went to the toilet and wipe, I notice pink spottings. Is that blood coz my uterus was iritated from the ET or was that implantation bleeding but isnt 2dp3dt too early for implantation? Well I am just praying for the best.

Today the whole day I did not feel any cramping feeling till in the cab when I started to quietly whisper to my embryos, " Pls show me a sign u are still in there doing what you are supposed to be doing." I know I sound crazy and I know it is too early for the embryos to understand me but seriously after spoke to it, I started to feel a little tingling pull/feeling in my lower abdomen. I would like to believe that that was a sign for me. At this moment, I take any sign I can get. I know I am making myself crazy from looking for symptoms but since this is my first time doing the IVF procedure and this is the closest I have been to getting myself pregnant, I am a little nervous, a little excited and lots of worry.

I have been talking it easy the last few days. Today a friend from JC came with her kid and looking at her baby, I just forgot about not supposed to carry heavy stuff. I was sitting on the chair and just hold the baby for less than 5 minutes. I hope that will not have any effect. Seriously the baby is really really cute. Look like a japanese baby. Well I am praying for one or perhaps two of my own. I am just praying everything goes well for me.

This 2WW is starting to get to me. I am just hoping time will past faster or at least I get to know the future. Both of which I know wont happen. Anyway, having my sister over is a really a blessing. We have so much time talking - that is when I am not sleeping/resting.

Symptoms for today:
(1) Boobs still sore. Nips are painful and very sensitive to the touch.
(2) Lethargy is ridiculous. I slept while waiting for my sister to arrive. Slept while waiting for both of my tuition kids to arrive. Was out for less than 2 hours and I was begging to go back. Slept again.
(3) Pinkish spotting when I wipe on the tissue.
(4) Lower abdominal cramping - just a little compare to yesterday.

So that is it for now. I will update again soon. I have a little plan for tomorrow with sis and hubby. Nothing much. Just going out for a walk to get some fresh air and to get some blood circulation.

1dp3dt / Green with Envy

I have always wanted to be able to write that down. Now I can. I was talking to hubby today after more than 24 hours of bed rest about how my butt is cramping from all that rest. Other than going to get my food and to the toilet, I have been sitting and lying down on the sofa with the tv as my companion.

I was telling hubby how I am green with envy with people who can go through pregnancy the normal way. I mean.. seriously after making love during their ovulation period, next day onwards, do you see them being careful etc? They go about their normal activity. SOme that got pregnant during their honeymoon even went hiking, mountain climbing, skiing etc yet at the end of the month, they find that they are pregnant. So why is there a difference for us who went through fertility treatment?

Hubby told me that I could always go about all the normal activity but... will I ever regret any of my actions at the end of this whole journey after spending all that money as well as going through all the pain emotionally and physically? Hearing that I decide of course I want to make sure I do my very best to ensure a healthy pregnancy and deliver a healthy baby at the end of the whole journey.

As usual when I do not have anything to watch on TV, I was seeking advice from Dr Google. N I found the following information base on a 3 day transfer:

1dpt ..embryo is growing and developing into a morula
2dpt... Embryo is now a blastocyst
3dpt....Blastocyst hatches out of shell on this day
4dpt.. Blastocyst attaches to a site on the uterine lining
5dpt.. Implantation begins,as the blastocyst begins to bury in the lining
6dpt.. Implantation process continues and morula buries deeper in the lining
7dpt.. Morula is completely inmplanted in the lining and has placenta cells & fetal cells
8dpt...Placenta cells begin to secret HCG in the blood
9dpt...More HCG is produced as fetus develops
10dpt...More HCG is produced as fetus develops
11dpt...HCG levels are now high enough to be immediately detected on HPT

Base on the information above, my 8 cells embryo would have continued to grow into a morula. Insya Allah (God's willing).

Symptoms (this is just for my own documentation):
(1) lower abdominal cramping on my left hand side
(2) constant need to pee (much higher frequency than usual)
(3) higher body temperature
(4) lethargy - just need to put my head on a pillow and less than 5 minutes I will be in dreamland)

ET went well

Today was the day I have been so worried about thus far. I was so worried that I could not sleep the night before. Ny thought was just one - did my eggs managed to be fertilised.

I got ready at 0515, bathe, prayed and at 0630, I went out to fetch hubby. Throughout the journey my heart was pumping very hard. Not to forget that my bladder is also full. We reached the clinic bright an early at 0715 when the clinic is not even open. Since I cant have breakfast we just waited in front of the clinic. When we entered the clinic at 0730, there were already many people. MAny like us should be going in for a transfer too. Met with the nurse at 0830, she said our transfer could be in half an hours time. SO we waited and waited and waited. We only went on at 0945. Till this point we still do not know how our embryo is doing and whether we do have any to be transferred.

At 0945 our name was called in and I was asked to change and my legs were put on the a stirrup and we waited for the doctor. She greated us with her smile and she went in to checked on our embryo. Then she came in. I was waiting for the worse/inevitable. I had prepared myself. LIke hubby said...All we need is one. "One is a miracle, two is a bonus."

We waited and she said....., "Your embryo is looking very good. They are of very good quality, Grade 4. You have a very high chance. Now go back and rest" Looking at the picture given, one of the embryo is looking perfect with its uniform 8 cell, the other one is a little cluttered, cells a bit difficult to distinct. BUt I am not gonna worry too much now. I am gonna do my very best hoping that both of them will continue to grow healthily.

Hearing that me and hubby held each others hands and we were looking forward to the possibility. BUt I am keeping my excitement at a minimum level. Until I get to bring home my healthy baby/babies, I will never stop worrying. For now I am just basking in this new found knowledge that I have brought my embryos home. Hope they will find a comfortable place and snuggle in tightly for the next 9 months.

The not so good news though I dont have any for freezing. This is it. But I am positively confident about my chances. The little thing called "Hope" is sneaking its way back into my life.

I am currently given Pregnyl jabs. I have to take 4 dosage of that every 3 days. This Saturday I will be doing a blood test to check my progesterone level whether it is sufficient or not. Then next blood/pregnancy test will be on the 1st of July. I have come so far and I am a few more steps to realising my dream. After that step, I will have many more steps to go...

Till then I would like to believe I am PUPO. For those who are not familiar with the term it means... I would consider myself Pregnant Until Proven Otherwise.

Expect the next few entries from me to be my documentation of the symptoms I am having coz this is the closest I have been to being pregnant.