It has been exactly a month...

Since I failed my first IVF treatment and had AF knocking on my door. On this day one month ago, I was heartbroken. I was even asking myself whether I will be able to stand up once more and whether I will be able to do another cycle of this. The roller coaster emotional ride was too much for me to handle. But thanks to wonderful family and friends and online buddies, I managed to stand up again. N one month later here I am...

But "someone" is missing... Yup the dreaded visitor have not shown herself just yet. I said just yet is because, I have read from others experience that for those who failed their IVF usually the following month, AF will come late. I hope it doesnt come too late. I have a plan to follow in October. N I am very proud of myself that I never once was tempted to test. I am done seeing a NOT PREGNANT on the test kit. I am just gonna wait it out. Currently feeling very light headed. Gonna go lie down. I shall leave all of you with some pictures from my recent vacation.

Update from the Dr

Just to let you all know. Met my gynae, Dr Sadhana today. Appointment was at 11.55am. Arrived at 11am, had breakfast with mum and hubby first at the food court and guess who came to say hi... My onine forum friend, SIERRA79. I was so happy to see her. First and foremost, I didnt even realise it was her. I was chatting away with mum and hubby, laughing away as usual. Then came this small petite lady at my side and said hi. She is damn small in person ok. Dear, I am so happy to see you today. I believe, this friendship will be strengthen just by the fact of what we went through in the last 2 months.

Back to my appointment. Dr Sadhana was so nice okay. She was empathising with me. In fact she said, she was hoping I would get a positive result. In addition she also doesnt know why it doesnt work coz my embryo was looking very gd. She was sad for me. I told her if she was sad, I was even sadder. N she held my hand. I was amazed that I didnt cry today. I guess I had cried enough the week it failed. I am ready now to stand up again. I told her how much I have cried for 3 straight days when it failed. She said she was really sorry. Everything was textbook perfect. I guess my womb wasn't. Or it just wasn't my time. Let me say, I am really impressed with Dr Sadhana's human's touch. I know how busy the clinic can be yet she took time to be in my shoes and to understand my inner feelings.

At first she wanted to increase my dosage to 350iu in the next round but then, she said increasing the dosage will not increase the number of eggs. It will just cause the eggs to grow at a faster rate. So she changed at the last minute. Dr Sadhana suggested I try the short protocol in October. The short protocol means less injections and at the same time it is supposed to grow more eggs for me. As for my womb, she said during my laprascopy there wasn't any scar tissue so that shouldn't have prevented implantation. My womb lining at 10mm was just nice too. Currently I am feeling very positive with the traditional medication I am taking. My body somehow feels lighter just after 2 weeks of taking it. Hopefully the month of Ramadhan will bear me fruits. If not... a short protocol is waiting for me after Hari Raya.

I hope in this 3 months my womb will be more healthy, lining will be thicker to prepare for implantation and right at the back of my mind, perhaps "strike" naturally.

By the way for those who are not sure what a Short Protocol is. In October when my period come (tentatively 24th October), I will have to give KKIVF a call. Then on Day 2 I will have to go down and do a scan to determine that there is no cysts etc. After which I will be starting my Puregon. Once my follicles reach more than 13mm, I will be given injection to surpressed ovulation. N the rest is the same as the Long cycle.

After counting, I realised, my Day 2 could possibly fall on a Sunday. What happens then? Zaza if you are reading this pls help me clear this doubt. Oh well!!!, I guess I will get to it when the time comes. For now, I am not going to think about ovulation, fertile period etc. We are just gonna go with the flow. In fact it was only today when I was counting for my October cycle that I realise my ovulation date had come and gone. In fact today is Day 16. Time seems to fly by faster when you are not counting to a Blood Test or something. The short protocol would means lesser injection and shorter period to ER/ET. I am really praying, praying very hard... Nature will happen and I don't have to go through this emotional roller coaster ride again.

My wishes for all

Something happened I do not know how to reversed it. I was reading Flower's site - With God All Things Are Possible. I wanted to leave a comment for her but then I got a message saying a Pop Up Blocker is activated but when I checked it was not... Well I hope Flower drops by here. I really want to wish her all the best for her upcoming lining check as well as FET on the 20th. My prayers are for you dear. You have been a very good friend with a shoulder for me to lean on during my difficult moment. I would like to be here for you too...

I will be going for my check up with gynae tomorrow. To find out what went wrong on my first cycle. I am not blaming anyone. It was just not meant to be. Not the right time yet. But I will definitely going to aske her about my poor response to the medication. I mean they only managed to retrieve 8 eggs. So yeah. Perhaps I will ask her whether she can increase my Puregon dosage. Other than that, the rest is in God's hands.

Life for me has been pretty mundane. Everyday I will do some household chores. After which I will be preparing to have tuition assignments with my students. Life has been like that since my failed cycle. Nothing much to report. Just that I have booked a family vacation to a very beautiful island in Malaysia. We will be leaving on the 24th of July. That is what I am currently looking forward to. Time away from Singapore, away from treatment and just to relax my mind.

Will update again when i have something to report. Till then, to all who are in their 2WW, Good Luck and may this be the month for all of you. I love you all to pieces.

My most sincere congratulations

Just a short entry. As I am no longer active at the forum, I would just like to wish my dear friend, Alyssa R, my most sincere congratulations on her positive BT. I am truly happy for her. I still remember clearly how we were supposed to start our treatment together, but due to my surgery I had to had it postpone. I thought she had went through the procedure. However, I just realised that she didn't due to her OHSS. So she did her ER and just recently did an FET and this morning found out she is pregnant.

I did mention once to her that since we coulnd't be cycle buddies I was really hoping we could be pregnant buddies but I guess it was not meant to be. Am i jealous of her? Truthfully speaking. NO. I guess I feel differently towards people who become pregnant after facing IF. I get truly happy for them. However if someone who says she is not trying and somehow happens to get pregnant accidentally, I just feel different.

Wow, currently I have 3 friends from the forum who has suceeded in their journey. This just gives me a little bit motivation that it will work for me. But having to go through the whole procedure all over again is really no joke. The injection, the scans and the blood drawn... Hmmm... We will see when the time comes. I just hope I am more mentally prepared and I truly hope I will have more embryos this time around.

To Alyssa_r, my most sincere congratulations. Pls take care and rest well. Looking forward to hearing ur updates on baby. Pls remember me okay...

AF makes it's exit

Pls note this entry could be a little TMI. So skip it if you don't wish to read about the dreaded visitor AF. After 8 days, AF makes its exit. The first 2 days the cramp got a little unbearable and I had to pop 2 panadols. Not as if I like to do that but it was unbearable. After which the cramp went away. The only thing is this time around was very heavy for almost 5 days. Usually by 5 days I am done with AF visit. N this visit is filled with clots. Huge clots. Everytime I see myself passing out clots either in the toilet bowl or on my pad, tears will start to well up in my eyes. I could feel that those are my kids that I am passing out.

Some of you might ask how I am doing? Well I didnt really reach a depression stage just a little sad. Much sadder than I thought I would be. Perhaps the money spent and the emotions that I had put in into this cycle. I had really wanted this to work but I guess Allah knows better. N this time, it just wasn't my time yet.

With AF making its exit of course something else came back into our life... If u know what I mean... After almost 4 weeks of putting it on hold, thanks to one of the requirement of 2WW, it began again the moment AF disappeared. Hehehe... :) for the first time in a very long time, I don't feel that it was chore. Why did I feel like it was a chore back then? Everytime we hit the sack, we will be thinking about choosing the day prior to ovulation, on ovulation and a day after. Our main purpose is to hopefully make a baby. But instead of baby making, we have decided to turn it back to love making. We are not gonna use the ovulation kit, not gonna do it only near ovulation but do it anytime and anywhere we feel like it. Hahah... It makes me feel like a young teenager. Not as if I have done this as a teenager but it makes me feel very young. Yeah I am happy!!!

Okay will be back when I have things to report... Have a great week ahead everyone.

Still in the blogsphere...

Hi ladies, thank you very much for your support. For all the messages you have left me. The last entry when I said time to say gdbye. Pls don't get me wrong. I am not saying gdbye to the blogsphere. I am just saying gdbye to my 2embryos. The last 2 weeks have seen me at my highest and lowest points.

Today I went in for another blood test to just confirm what I have already know. My HCG has dropped to less than 10. So yes...I guess it was a chemical. I have been asked by Nurse Angeline to bring forward my appointment with Dr Sadhana. I managed to get squeeze on the 14th of July. Nurse Angeline was very nice when she told me the results. She was trying to lay it as softly as she can. Well, I already expected it. I wasn't even thinking of any miracles. I was asking her how soon can I start. SHe asked whether I have any frozen embryo. I said NOPE. N she said since that's the case, I will have to start from scratch. The queue now is already till October...

So yup, I have booked my next fresh cycle to be in October/November. See I have picked myself up. I just need a few alone moments to cry my hearts out. Once I don't have any more tears to shed, I will be okay. My heart still hurts. But thanks to prayers from family and friends I am coping much much better.

So just now after my blood test, parents drove us to JB. We went there to purchase some traditional medication to detoxify my body. It's a set of 4 products. One is to detox the body of any toxins, one is to be taken to strengthen the womb, the next is to improve the hormones in our body and I can't remember what the last one is for. There's medication for hubby too, to supposedly improve his quality of sperms... See... this is what you get when you have a mother who does massage. I am not complaining ok. In fact I am very very glad my mum is knowledgeable in this area. So that is my plan for now.... Remove toxins and all medications that has been injected in my body and try naturally. Who knows.... Meet Dr Sadhana on the 14th to discuss procedure, see where improvement can be made etc.

That's all from me for now. Ladies from the forum, I will drop by the chat with all of you once in a while but I won't be there as much coz since I am not undergoing the treatment there is really not much I can share. N at the moment, I do not wish to be a downer to the rest of the ladies who are in their 2WW. So pls don't think I have turn my back on you guys... I am still here...

Time to say goodbye...

As I had predicted... As I had have an instinct about...

When the pimples start popping, when the lower abdomen starts cramping, when the lower back starts aching and when I started having brown spotting... I should have known... N true enough today, AF came knocking with a vengence. Fierce and heavy.

I had cried enough in the last 2 days. There are no more tears for me to cry. Went in for an early blood test today. Results was out quick too... The nurse was very nice about it... She said that HCG is in the 84. Huh? How could that be possible? Her answer is it was a chemical pregnancy. She said coz I don't have any frozen embryo, I can't do FET so I need to rest my body for at least 3 months before doing my next fresh cycle. I told her that I would have taken a break too if I don't have too. I am not ready for another emotional heart break. The physical pain I could take but the heart break. It is just too painful for me.

SO what is my next plan? I am taking a break from treatment for this 3 months. I am gonna rest my body from all the medications. I am gonna try naturally during this 3 months. Maybe just maybe, since we can have perfect embryo in the lab, we can perfect embryo made in my womb too... N hopefully by then, my womb lining is strong enough to hold a real pregnancy. I know I am thinking of a miracles but miracles do happen. N for now I am praying for a miracle.

My whole family together with bro and fiance are planning a family getaway at the end of the month. That would be great right? Yes, I need time away. This will be my last entry for now... I will be back soon when I have something to write. For now, I am just gonna recuperate. Heal my broken hearts. To all my lovely internet friends, thanks for your wonderful support but this is just isn't my time. I love you all no matter where you are...

Why does it still hurt?

2 more days till my BT. SOmehow I have a feeling AF is coming before my BT. I don't know. Just a gut feeling. I have prepared myself for the worst yet why does it still hurt so much? I guess there is always a first time for everything. Ahhhh... Well I guess I have sigh enough in the last 2 days to last me a lifetime... Will update you guys as and when there is something to update. For now, I am going to just lie down on the sofa and just mourn my life a little bit more...

A good cry was all it takes

At 13dp3dt / 16dpo, I have no more sore boobs, no crampy feelings. The crampy feelings have been gone for a while now. I had a good cry yesterday when hubby came back from work. The moment he came back, he came straight to me and gave me a kiss on my forehead and I started tearing. When he asked me what is wrong, I just couldn't say it. But somehow a while later I did tell him. I told him how useless I felt for not being able to bear him any children and now more than ever coz I am not even working. He asked me how did I know this didn't work, could I see what is going inside? Of course I said NO, but how could he understand my inner feelings. Somehow I just have the feeling. You know the feeling where you just knew.

This morning we woke up in each other's arm. Somehow being in his arms make me feel safe yet at the same time it makes me more emotional and vulnerable. The tears just flowed. As he said, I have never failed in any exams before and this to me felt like a failure. He reminded me, school exams are different. I have a way of controlling the outcome by studying but this IVF journey, we can try our very best, do the best we can but at the end of the day, the results is determined by the one above. It makes sense but somehow it just makes me feel more sad. I asked him, what if it is just gonna be the two of us till our old age. He didn't have an answer for it. He just told me, let him do the worrying. I had a good cry and somehow he managed to kiss those tears away.

Am I ready to let this go? Not yet. Till I see the dreaded visitor or till the nurse told me the negative outcome, I am not letting this go just yet. I am just coming to terms with the possibility that this wasn't my time. Did a test this morning. Saw a faint line. The faint line is definitely visible as I do not have to tilt it to the light or squint my eyes to see it. Just that it is way lighter than the first line and the digital one told me straight in my face "Not Pregnant". There is two possibility. One is that the faint line is caused by the remainder of my Pregnyl jab or perhaps I could possibly be pregnant just that the HCG in my body is too low to be detected. I am not putting my money in the 2nd possibility. Hubby didnt even want me to put the pic of the test up coz he doesnt want to be sad everytime I see it. He said let's just wait till Wednesday or whenever the dreaded visitor decide to to stop by.

How am I feeling now? Okay I guess. What matters most is that I have my husband who loves me very much and of course my family who is willing to sacrifice everything for me. I love them and they love me too...

Just for the record, symptoms for the day:

(1) BBT still high at 37.00 degrees celsius.
(2) Woke up with a headache but it was probably bcoz of the crying
(3) Greenie lines on boobs still visible.
(4) Nips still painful to the touch but the whole boobs not sore anymore.

So that's it for now. Gonna go and get ready for my weekend. With the test out of the way, I can now just enjoy my weekend without worrying too much. If it meant to be, it will be. If not I guess I will just stand up once more and try again. But that will not be anytime soon. I need to make sure I am mentally and emotionally ready this time for any outcome.

Hope for the best, prepared for the worst.

At 12dp3dt / 15dpo, I am strating to lose all signs of early pregnancy. Am I losing that glimmer of hope? Maybe. I just had an outburst after talking to hubby on the phone. Didnt even mention anything about the upcoming results. We just chatted and talked about why he hadn't called the whole day. I wasn't upset with him or anything. I don't know. It is just that just before we hang up, I just felt so sad. LIke I have not done enough for him. LIke I am not good enough. Like he deserves better.

You know how much he had to sacrifice to allow me to be a Stay AT Home Wife and if this fails, what's next? What do I have to look forward to? Am I ready for it to fail? NO. But have I prepared for the worst? Probably. Will I be upset if the results is not in my favour? Definitely. Will I be able to stand back up? I am not sure.

Sorry people... I am feeling really down today. I am just not feeling it anymore. Call it "Mother's Instinct" but I just don't feel it.